To leave, or not to leave?
Hi Steptalk:
So, I am not one to really participate in forums...I once did, a long time ago, where I vented about my situation with my step children, and got chewed apart by others. I have found that some people are just not pleasant people, but I have also found that all of our unique situations definitely influence how we feel about others' situations, and what we perceive as right, wrong, normal or indifferent in the "step" world.
However, I am kind of at the end of my rope with my feelings, and it's starting to affect my health. I need to make a decision, but my decision is going to not only impact me, but several people, including my biological children (one and two years old). So, I just wanted your opinion, experiences based on similar situations, or just your support, hopefully.
I have been with my fiance for six years. It's been a very up and down relationship- we've broken up several times, he and I both got together very shortly after coming out of long term relationships (his was a marriage, mine was another engagement, but no, we weren't the reasons for each others' failed relationships). He had two children (9 and 11 now) from his first marriage. I think I've always known we are like two puzzle pieces trying to make ourselves fit together, even though we don't fit perfectly. Either way, that thought is in the past, because we stuck through it all and have tried to make a life with each other.
We now have lived together for four years, I own the house and pay all of the mortgage and utilities. He pays some of the groceries and odds and ends.
His children both do sports, which takes up 6 out of 7 days or nights a week. He has them every other day (50/50 custody). On weeknights, my fiance and his children don't get home until 9 or 10 PM at night because of sports. On Saturday mornings, they are gone from 7 AM until 1 PM, and for several Saturday/Sundays out of the year, they are gone all day to special competitions or practices involving sports. The cost of these sports is also several thousand dollars a year, money which would be greatly appreciated for help with the daily cost of living.
It has been very stressful because both of my children are less than a year apart, and their Dad is only home every other day to help take care of them. I am a SAHM, although I do teach part time, because my oldest has special needs. I had to quit working full time to take care of him. However, I am starting to harbor resentment that their Dad isn't around as much as I wish he would be to do things that involve raising and taking care of two children. Dad also doesn't wake up at night for ANY reason (and neither of the children sleep through the night), neither does he wash bottles, change sheets, laundry, make or go to doctors appointments, etc. etc. It also doesn't help that I'm starting to harbor resentment that this is because of my step childrens schedules (which were not this demanding when we got together by any means). Yes, I understand that they are children, but that doesn't make it any better when I am up all night with a screaming, colicky baby and then Dad isn't home all day or night and the cycle just repeats over and over.
Similarly, Dad can be not that nice. He has the notion that I don't "do anything" because I don't work, I can't wear anything that falls below my collarbone without being labeled not-nice words (and after two pregnancies, I'm certainly not trying to show anything off by any means), I can't be on my phone at all, even scrolling through a news feed, without being drilled about what I'm doing and why I'm not spending any time with him (although he can be on his phone all night), no social media, I have to check in/out wherever I go and if I don't I get twenty questions about where I've been and what I'm doing, I have to text the way he wants me to, or else he says I am disrespecting him, I can't even leave the bedsheets untended or else he'll accuse me of who has been in the bedroom because he didn't leave the bedsheets that way before he left. Sigh! I can't take it sometimes. When I confront him about things he turns it around and says I am a manipulator. Am I? I have no idea.
Children are stressful enough on the healthiest of marriages, but we are not that healthy. On top of having step children who are getting to the pre-teen stage and are a little difficult sometimes, a demanding schedule with them, a very involved ex wife (they text all the time), and the pressures of not working a full time job/finances, my oldest sons' needs, and my youngest sons' personality (very colicky as a young baby, but still has bouts of screaming/crying).
Sometimes I want to leave. I think I can take care of my children just the same, or even better, without the stress of Dad, his children, and the whole situation. I fantasize about having a little house to myself where I can do or decorate how I want, without anything tell me what I should do or how I should do it. But, I also fantasize about a nuclear family and giving my children two parents who aren't in separate houses.
Plus, I don't think Dad can take care of them as well as I can. Like I stated before, he doesn't wake up at night! I've filmed him sleeping through both of the kids screaming at the top of their lungs in the middle of the night. He isn't home much, and I also don't want them growing up every night for hours in a gym or waiting room for their half-siblings' sports. My oldest has a demanding therapy schedule, which I don't know if Dad can commit to, he also works long hours, doesn't like to really play on the floor or get too involved when he gets home, never does the laundry, gets frustrated easily, especially with the youngests' crying, and also is a little rough with them (for example, did a wrestling move on my oldest when he was only six months, and I thought I had to take him to the hospital because he cried so hard and so long).
I don't know what to do! I just feel overwhelmed, unhappy, and the like. But I will sacrifice my happiness, to a point, to make sure my children are in the best place possible. I don't want this to backfire and I leave, and Dad gets 50/50 custody with the way I know he can be. Maybe it's best to stay together and work it out? Any thoughts are appreciated.
Darling I think you know the
Darlin' I think you know the answer...........this doesn't sound like much of a marriage and he blatantly disrespects you and shows you no appreciation for all that you do. It's easy for me to sit here and say leave him but honestly he doesn't really seem to have much to offer. He doesn't spend any quality time with you or the kids, he's controlling, and you pay most of the bills on your own anyway.....
How is it that he's ok with not spending time with his kids with you and spends every waking moment with the other two? Why is time not shared equally? When he's home why doesn't he tend to the smaller kids? Have you brought that to his attention?
I'd say get some therapy to see if you can save your marriage....if not.... try getting your ducks in a row and leave this toxic relationship.
This is probably going to
This is probably going to sound harsh but from experience, he's cheating on you. He's insecure in himself, because he doesn't trust himself, so why should he trust you?! He also sounds controlling and manipulative. He's not a team player. Why isn't he paying his share of his bills? He has 2 other children that live there 50% of the time. You shouldn't need to provide anything for them (room and board) unless you want to. I don't blame you for harbouring resentment towards him. He sounds awful.
Being on your own wouldn't be much different
You'd have to do it all. You probably would have to find a specialty day care for your special needs child. They do exist. I have a friend who found one and it's great for their child. You may also be able to get it for free since many of them are sponsored.
But you would not have the worry about being policed nor three other people's opinions and schedules and mess. So in many ways it would be easier.
There is also the neighborhood and family. I had a coworker whose neighbors all rallied to help her with her kids when her husband died. They even watched the kids overnight when she had to travel.
Consult a lawyer to find out if offering to take less in CS could be used to negotiate limited time with your children. And, document, document, document that he doesn't care for them now. That will be extremely helpful.
Another vote of end it from
Another vote of end it from me. I won't list the reasons, because you already have.
He sounds emotionally/mentally and financially abusive.
Just step away quietly for a
Just step away quietly for a little while, maybe? Take care of yourself for a bit, you do seem to be under a lot of stress (no wonder!). Can you go to your mom’s or some other supportive person’s place? Don’t explain anything to the guy, don’t get into a fight, just say you need a break. Your thoughts will be clearer, your energy will be restored (and you’ll need that whatever you decide in the end).
Keep in mind two things: your babies will get easier with time; and your guy’s kids will quietly fade out of your life as they get older (and that will be soon). Stop and think, till you know what you want. Then make a plan and stick to it. Repair yourself, and prepare yourself, get all your resources together. Maybe once you are in a position of strength, he’ll start listening to you.
(That said, your man does seem to be quite a douche.)
That's an excellent
That's an excellent suggestion! Stepping away and being able to look at the picture from a different perspective.
Honey, your SO sounds like a
Honey, your SO sounds like a miserable SOB. Unless he has some hidden redeeming quality that none of us can see here... it sounds like you may well be better off on your own.
"But, I also fantasize about
"But, I also fantasize about a nuclear family and giving my children two parents who aren't in separate houses."
You are living this dream right now. Is it what you picture?
Your fiance is toxic. I highly doubt he would get, or even want, 50/50 custody. Life doesn't have to be this miserable.
I agree, but starting a war
I agree, but starting a war when you are so conflicted and torn is a very bad idea. Cry on hubby’s shoulder, swear your eternal love (push all his buttons, baby), grab YOUR kids, and go to some peaceful place - WITH HIS BLESSING - is what I would do... To start with.
I may be entirely wrong.
Oh, he’ll want it alright, by
Oh, he’ll want it alright, by the sound of it. She fears as much, and she knows the guy. Kids are young, she has a good chance to get away - if that’s what she wants. But she needs to decide, and for that to happen, she needs to distance herself from the sheets and diapers and skids’ sports gear. From the guilt...
Legal route
Thanks for the support and advice, it all sounds so easy, but it’s the hardest thing! As you all can imagine if there weren’t children involved I would be gone by now, but the threats and my worry of custody issues or him doing something dumb out of spite worries me. I have a consultation with a lawyer in a couple weeks, I just want to be informed of my options. I’m not someone who is against the children having a relationship with their father, I just don’t think he is capable of giving them what they need right now, even at 50 percent of the time.
Agree with see an attorney
And start lining up documentation. Every doctor who only sees you, etc.
In my state, unmarried partners cannot get a property settlment or alimony, only child support.
I doubt he will want your 2
I doubt he will want your 2 little ones 50/50, especially right now when they are little and needy and require so much work. Is he the type that would give you full custody with some weekend visitation if you didn't make him pay child support? Might be worth it.
Frankly, he sounds like a controlling and emotionally abusive jerk. He might escalate to physical abuse over time, many do.
I realize this wasn't the point of your post
I realize this wasn't the point of your post - but do his kids alternate days at your house? That must be awful for everyone involved. How did they come to that sort of arrangement?
To the point of our post, this phrase worries me, "him doing something dumb out of spite worries me" Are you afraid he might do something to physically hurt you or the children? He is already emotionally abusing you and taking advantage of you financially - it would be easy for him to cross that line. It might be worth it to reach out and get some information from the National Domestic Violence Hotline - women are at their must vulnerable when in the process of leaving an abusive partner. https://www.thehotline.org/
Yes, they spend every other
Yes, they spend every other night here. I never liked this schedule because the step kids basically live out of a suitcase, and we can never plan anything. It’s always picking up or dropping off. However that’s Dad and Moms decision, I’ve interjected my points about it but Dad is very adamant he wants his kids his 50/50 time, and their Mom doesn’t really take anything I say seriously unless it involves me buying something for or taking the step kids somewhere. (Although there isn’t magical bonding time when they are here, they are mainly on their electronics in their room the whole time and barely speak).
In fact, I’m in the midst of butting heads with Dad right now about them and the schedule- they are both very sick, suspected flu, I’m hoping their Mom takes them to the doctors today for confirmation
So, we did not get them last night, although it was Dads night- understandably they stayed at their Moms in bed
However, Dad is now saying he’s going to have them tonight and tomorrow night to make up for the night he missed! They aren’t even better yet! I don’t really want them around the young children with the flu, because we all know how serious that can be- but even if it’s a bad cold I’m not keen on everyone in the house catching it
And we do every time they are sick and Dad is insistent they stay here- my youngest was on a nebulizer the first two months of life because step daughter came over, sick, and gave it to him because Dad wanted her to be here
He said “that’s life” and isn’t concerned about them potentially getting sick
For some reason my keyboard isn’t doing any more periods which is why this is kind of sounding like a run on sentence!
But yes, the alternating schedule is a bit of a pain, and the fact that Dad makes sure it’s 50/50 down to every second
I have a feeling his children may not like it one day, even though they’ve basically grown up that way
Oh op, the reason why your partner didn’t give a stuff
that your young child/baby was on a nebulizer for 2 months is because he never had to care for them day in day out or at night. He’s a glorified dad with a free pass to not raise them, but he’ll sure take credit for them when they’re older and more easier to deal with...
i had a similar issue last year... hubbys adult niece who has 4 kids came to or home bbq sick and contagious, she had just started meds for antibiotics and other things but didn’t display symptoms. This dumbass hugged my 7 week old highly allergic eczema kid which makes him prone to respiratory issues and asthma so the generic flu or virus is way more unstable for him to handle, its excruciating to deal with and for many months i fought with hubby as he refused to protect us from these idiots coming over sick.
the kicker was us being sick a whole month for the 2nd time because of his inconsiderate family coming over sick and contagious, me getting 1 hours sleep over 2 days, i was burning up big time as still trying to recover and then it hit me. Since i got sick, i got no time to recuperate because hubby went to work like usual 7am-10pm, weekends played golf, then whilst kids and wife are extremely sick went overseas on a golfing holiday. Then the day he left to go overseas had the nerve to ask “how was the baby?”
my response was “you bloody well know how the baby was, he cried all night non stop and i had to try deal with him. My body is burning up from the lack of sleep, i can’t keep my eyes opened and am blacking out so i put bubs in the cot to cry it out, i slept in another room for 2 hours while my husband went to play golf while his wife and 2 toddlers/baby are extremely sick from family he invited to our house and never addressed this with them”.... hubby was in such deep shit then... he is much better now but it made me so angry and upset hubby allowing sick people into he with very young kids and a wife who just had emergency csection.
you need to put your foot down firmly and say NO! Skids are sick and contagious and we have 2 young babies who can easily be admitted to hospital and he’s selfishly thinking about his time he missed out on. I’m sorry but the current arrangement is stupid!! How can the kids feel in a stable environment changing homes every night??? Do these parents not even see it from the kids viewpoint.
if mum and dad want 50/50 time then do 1 week on 1 off. Mum can get kids from sunday afternoon and drop them off at their dads the following sunday afternoon and dad drops them off at mums the following sunday afternoon... this current arrangement is beyond stupid and the result of immature stupid parents not thinking straight.
if hubby continues to bring his kids with ex to your home sick, have your bags ready packed and tell him you’re staying at mums or a hotel till they leave... make sure you spray disinfectant all over the house...
if the kids get sick because of skids, its very simple, tell hubby he cares for the kids weekends and nights, you go in a separate room to sleep in peace or you sleep in your room. Hubby bathes both kids, feeds them and puts both to bed. They scream hysterically and hubby is losing it... guess what? You remind him he deals with it and this is what happens when he selfishly and stupidly makes his kids come over sick and getting your 2 babies/toddlers sick.
hun he needs to be thrown in the deep end to have some sense and reality knocked into his head befor he is capable of changing his attitudes
my hubby would use the “i need to be fair to all my kids” when he’d disappear a whole weekend day with his 3 kids from ex... it wasn’t hard for me to lay the times and factsof how timewas being spent to show how imbalanced it was in skids favour
Forget lawyers, there may
Forget lawyers, there may come the time, but given the age of your kids and your safe financial situation, you will win at this point, if you act in a clever way. And the cleverest is - get yourself in a strong position, any which way. Demurely, quietely, ‘de facto’ WINS.
I may be entirely wrong.
Speaking of lawyers, think
Speaking of lawyers, think twice - I paid 50k, from the same jerk knee reaction as you. Do you have this fortune to give away? There are easier routes, all open for you.
You're setting an example for
You're setting an example for your kiddos. Whether you realize it or not. I don't remember if you mentioned genders. But if they're girls, you don't want them to see this as the norm. Accept being pushed around like you're doing "for them." If they're males, you definitley don't want them to learn what he's doing as right. Because it's not.
I know it's hard, but you sound absolutely miserable. Sometimes divorce really is what's best for the kids too. Your kids don't need to grow up in such an unhealthy nuclear family. In a place where you'll NEVER feel safe and where you hurt. Happy parents raise happier kids. I'm not saying you'll be happy 100% of the time. But eventually all your care and patience is going to run down with what he's doing.
Frankly it sounds emotionally abusive to me. You deserve better. I know you see it as depriving your kids from a nucelar family. But a toxic environment is a toxic environment. Being nuclear isn't some magic fix all.If the environement is toxic, it's not just affecting you, it's affecting your kids.
For example: DH stuck with the Psycho for so long because he "didn't want his kids to be from a broken home." As a result, the Psycho would throw things at him, scream and yell, cause issues for everyone, refuse to care for the kids, etc. The environment was toxic. Both kids had some lasting issues. And there's nothing quite like a little girl saying "Mommy used to throw glasses at daddy." Things kids should NEVER have to see. You don't want your kids to have to go thorugh that. Getting yourself out of this toxicity, helps your kids too.