You are here

In-Laws...HELP!

Lemon65's picture

Technically, they are not my In-Laws, as SO and I aren't married...yet. But to simplify things, I refer to them as such. I will preface this by saying that they are very sweet and I like them a lot. However, I feel that they are very inconsiderate of our time and space. They always want to visit or want us to visit them at the worst possible times.

In the past, they have always stayed with SO's sister, but we just moved into our first home and now they want to come and stay with us, which means that SO will want his daughter to stay with us while they are here, too. Like I said, we just moved into our first home and before we lived in a one bedroom apartment, so the house is not furnished. My spare bedroom furniture is still in storage and our living room furniture was special ordered and will not be here in time. Not to mention, we do not have a large enough table and chairs to accommodate everyone for meals.

My SO and I discussed it last night and I tried to explain that the logistics of it just won't work and I don't understand why they would ask to stay here, knowing that we aren't settled in yet. Well, he spent the entire time guilt tripping me and made me feel like I don't get to have a say. His go-to argument is always that if it were my family, I wouldn't care. However, my family would be more understanding and never impose.

The kicker is, we are leaving for a big trip right after they are here. An expensive trip. And in order to accommodate them staying here, we will have to rent a truck to move the bedroom furniture to the house and will also have to purchase other things (sheets, linens, extra food, etc). That's money we should be saving.

What do I do? I don't want my SO to be angry with me for saying no, but I also feel like he needs to learn to stand his ground. This is not the first time that his parents' plans have caused an argument between us.

s-kill me's picture

I understand why you are frustrated if you feel your space is being invaded before you are ready.  You mentioned your SO "needs to learn to stand his ground."  But honestly, it sounds like he is trying to stand his ground... with YOU.  It sounds like he is perfectly happy with them coming to stay and it is just you that is not ok with it. 

Sometimes we have to suck things up and let the in-laws invade our space.  I know this from experience.  We just moved into a brand new home less than a month ago and now my MIL is moving and keeps bringing her furniture/boxes/random crap to our house for us to "hold" until she moves.  It is irritating and at times, it makes me want to scream.  But the reality is, she's family.  So I'll suck it up for a few months and allow her to bring her stuff here because after all- it's not really doing any harm.

I think you might just need to let this one go.  Take it as a compliment that his parents want to come spend time with you in your new home. 

 

Lemon65's picture

I think in the end, I am going to have to give in. But some part of me is hoping that my SO will realize it is a logistical nightmare! I am too stubborn for my own good.

s-kill me's picture

I'm pretty stubborn too, I understand.  Maybe his parents don't care if the house isn't furnished, and if there's not a table big enough for them, and if it looks like a tornado recently went through the joint.  Maybe they just want the time around you guys and to help welcome you to your home.  I know it is hard to break out of the way you view things, and the way you've always done things, but that's reality.  (I'm learning this as I go, myself!).

I recently complained to a friend about my MIL bringing all her stuff over.  Similar to your opinion, I commented that my parents would never burden us in that way- they'd just pay for a storage shed.  And then my friend said... "yeah, but your parents would also never want you to leave your stuff at their house either. You guys don't work that way."  And something clicked right then.  Cause I know if we ever needed to leave a bunch of crap at MILs for a few months, she'd be there for us in a heartbeat.  Their family just works different than mine.  Maybe that's true for your SO's family too.

Blue Moon's picture

I agree with S-kill me, as I also thought that the SO wants his family to come.

If you do let this one go, at least you can make clear to your SO that he will be responsible for feeding and entertaining them. Don't be the maid!

crankymom's picture

"No" is a full sentence and that "but they're family" crap is a no go for me. You and your husband are family first, his parents are nowhere in that equation so stop this now before their narcisisstic selves get a key, their own room, and begin showing up and entering without first consulting you. Your house, your rules.

blayze's picture

In my 20’s I had to grow some girlyballs and learn how to tell my mother “no”...she is the reason I have strong boundaries now...really exercised my NO muscle. Lol and she loves me lots and we’re best friends. Don’t worry about... you can do it too. People might get a little angry with you for a little while but they’ll get over it. Tell your man that you’re sorry if he’s going to be angry with you but his parents cannot stay until xx date. And tell him that you would say the same to your family. Your compromise is that when the house is ready for guests, they are more than welcome to stay over, but for now a dinner visit should suffice. Just not staying over right now.  That is perfectly reasonable. 

 

Rags's picture

While an adult equity life partnership is certainly a "we" thing... your SO's position on this and the visit of his family is not a "we"
 thing under the circumstances. So... rather than "we" renting a truck and moving furniture I would let him know that they can sleep on the floor until you return from the upcoming trip.  Of he can go move the crap.  Then don't give him a key to the storage unit.   Diablo

When you get back from  your trip, get  your new home fully set up and are ready for overnight visitors then it will be a different story.

Exjuliemccoy's picture

I think you should let your SO have his way - provided he is the one who preps everything for the visit.

Don't spend any extra $$ on moving furniture or otherwise catering to your in laws. Instead, let them see your new house in all its still packed glory. Set up an air mattress in the guest room, with unpacked boxes for night stands. Put lawn chairs in the living room , and keep unpacking while your SO entertains. If your in laws are good humans, they'll realize how inconvenient their visit is and apologize; if not, you haven't wasted $$ you don't have rolling the red carpet out for inconsiderate people. Ideally, they'll roll up their sleeves and help, as family ought to do.

Cover1W's picture

Really, this is what I would do.  If your home is not ready for guests, then break out the paper plates and cups and random chairs and air mattress.  I wouldn't buy a lot of stuff just to make them comfortable like it was a normal time to visit, but have things available.  Get some cheap sheets and towels (not that expensive really) and that's it.