Know too much about the ex wife
Ok, so this is my first time in an arena such as this. My partner and I have been together for 6 years and I had nothing to do with the end of his marriage. His ex wife left him for another man.
He has 3 adult children, one son I get along very well with, a daughter from hell and another son who picks and chooses who he will be nice to at any given time, although he is heavily infuenced by his Mother and sister.
Prior to meeting my partner I was friends with his ex wife, his kids introduced us and encouraged us to be together. This went really well for the first year, until we recieved word that his ex wife was jealous of how well I got along with the kids, then things began to fall apart.
The daughter and ex are both very controlling and dominant and would like to still control what happens in our life, they know just about everything that we do. I have no idea how or even why they would want to do this.
My biggest problem (besides the behaviour I deal with from them obviously) is that while I was friends with the ex wife (well before my partner and I got together) she told me about the many men she was with before and during her marriage. I believe one of the sons is not fathered by my partner.
My partner has heard about a few of the men she was with over the years and was extrememly hurt by this. However he tends to blame the messenger for the information and ignore what his wife and his own friends did behind his back.
I feel terrible keeping such secrets from him, especially about his son, but know it would hurt him deeply and be very hard to put the pieces back together after the fall out. The suspected father is a trusted, close family friend.
Any advice here on how to handle this situation and deal with the way the ex wife and daughter treat me would be greatly appreciated. I have gotten to the point where I have totally disengeged with them and have no communication at all.
Re: "I believe one of the
Re: "I believe one of the sons is not fathered by my partner," let it lie. Your DH and his "son," have long sinced devloped a father-son relationship, and you just believing they are not genetically related is very different than factually knowing they are not genetically related; however, even if they are not, that really doesn't matter anyway. Legally, too, regardless of who the daddy is, DH is his son's father, since currently the law is such that any child that pops out, so to speak, during a marriage is considered to be the child of both mom (of course) and her spouse.
I know how that can feel to have a lot of info. on the ex-, to see her seemingly get away with everything, and to want to somehow use that info. to put her in her place, revenge, or whatever. Your rationale may be sincere or it may not be. Nonetheless, even though I am all for getting the truth out there no matter what in many cases, this is one of those circumstances where, first of all, you are not sure of the truth, and secondly, the ones who will be most harmed by this are the father and son, and not BM. BM has long since learned to justify her nastiness to herself and others.
There is this old saying that, "You cannot fight city hall," and I'd add to that, "You cannot fight BM." There is just something about BM that puts her up on a pedestal, regardless. Literally, she should could be a drug addicted ho and still be thought of as a "good mom." Even if by some odd chance, someone was to get a DNA test to confirm whom the real pappy is, pretty much everyone will look at it as BM made one small mistake, or BM was driven to her affairs with other men due to DH's neglect or fill-in-the-blank, and so on. Unfortunately, very few will look at it as DH and her own son got screwed by be.atch BM.
Putting "who is the real daddy?" aside, in these types of situations where you have a manipulative, controlling BM (and that usually also includes a DH who won't put his foot down or has his head in the sand), the best thing to do is as you have--disengage. Focus on your relationship and future with your DH. Hang out with each SK only if you want to and feel comfortable. BM has her own life with her own men, and you have your life with your DH. After a divorce, it almost always follows that the children will be more-so BM's children and less-so DH's. Genetics has nothing to do with it. It is just that even now it is assumed the divorce was somehow the man's fault, and BM is always, no matter what, put on a pedestal. Not saying that is right or wrong. Just saying that is the way it is.
Let it lie
Thank you so much for your response and your advice to let it lie. DH has been told about some of the men in his ex’s life and generally blames the messenger rather than BM so I am not to keen to say more
I have told him I know more about his ex and also said if he wanted to know I would tell him. So far he does not want to know, he says it can’t change what has happened. As far as his ex is concerned, and the bratty kids, he is very tolerant and soft hearted. They all take advantage of this financially.
Mainly though we have a very good life together, I just hate having secrets from him.
Would you want DH to tell you
Would you want DH to tell you if the shoe was on the other foot? I would. You aren't doing him any favors keeping secrets about what you know, that's no basis for a good marriage. You shouldn't say, "I think your son might not be yours," because that's just speculation on your part, but you should have long ago told him that you knew about all the men she was with, because she told you that.
I can't imagine keeping that kind of secret from DH, or him keeping one like that from me. If he chooses not to believe it, that's on him.
Keeping secrets
You are completely right and keeping secrets is hurting me as well as DH. However I have offered to tell him what I know and he has chosen not to find out. I believe the only thing I can do now is let Karma run it’s course and hope she is found out some other way. I have no proof of his ‘sons’ parentage and it would end my relationship with DH if I pushed the issue.
Thank you so much for your advice and support, I didn’t expect to find so much help here, it is uplifting
Leave this one be. He's been
Leave this one be. He's been raising the child as his own. I'm sure he loves that kid and there's no reason to get him moody with you over this.
Leave this one be
Thank you, that’s what I am doing unless he tells me he wants to know more
marriage isnt a middle road thing
Its not about the child - DH would probably not stop wanting to be his father (is this the one who is nice to you or is he the one who is all over the place? Not that it should matter, but to get a better picture) - but you should not be keeping such things secret from your DH. If BM cheated with his trusted friend, his eyes need to be opened. Thats how I would go about it.
As to how the BM treats you - as long as you stay disengaged and dont have to deal with her, let that dragon sleep. Make certain that there are boundaries that are respected - these narcissistic controlling folks dont respect boundaries at all and DH needs to enforce them consistently.
As to SD - if she is around at all, she needs to respect you, but stay disengaged. You dont need to reach out, it wont do any good. Disengaged means you dont let them get inside your head either (I know! hard to do, easy to say!)
So, upshot is - DH should know that his friend betrayed him with BM. Let him come to his own conclusions about his sons.
Middle road marriage
Thank you for your reply. It is the mixed up son who is in question. Unfortunately I don’t have solid proof, just small town gossip, a lot of conjecture and the unmistakable similarities of this young man to a family friend.
The SD I now have nothing to do with. If we occasionally meet at family functions she tends to pretend I don’t exist and do everything she possibly can to get her fathers attention away from me. I sit back and laugh as she is so transparent. I am not the only person she targets, both she and her mother have to have someone in their life to hate at any time and there are a few of us. My step daughter in law and I have a very strong bond and support each other in this highly disfunctional family.
BM is much the same but will be as nice as pie to me when DH is around. I have stopped pretending and won’t engage with her at all. I have explained why to DH. Unfortunately the BM and SD have said the same about me. But he knows what they are like, just very conflicted and afraid of losing his daughter.
The others are right: please
The others are right: please leave it alone.
My DH was married to a veritable wh0re. BioHo has NO idea how to be monogamous. Consequently, my husband has, for over 16 years, raised SS16 as his son. BioHo has NO idea who actually fathered the boy. But my husband IS his father as he has raised him and loved him as much as his bio children.
So. Remove yourself as faaaaaaaar as possible from all the toxicity. Do NOT engage in personal conversations with BM. In fact, distance yourself from EVERYONE who is toxic to your marriage and your DH's relationship with his son. Treat them like irritating coworkers - be polite and DISTANT.
Thank you
Thank you for your advice and support
Facts are neither good nor
Facts are neither good nor bad, they are merely facts. But they are important. I would pull some hairs from combs or brushes and send them in for testing. If SS is your DH's, set the record straight with those who are speculating. If he isn't... then your DH should know. He can address it with his X and navigate the facts with his unrelated son. If that is the case.
Probably the easiest thing to do is just verify if their two blood types are supportive of DH being the Skid's BioDad. That is just a matter of asking what DH's blood type is, what SS's blood type is and then asking the google what blood types are related. This is not a sure thing as O is the most common type and the "trusted family friend" is most likely O as is most likely to be the case with your DH.
All IMHO of course.