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Just....help (long post)

holly5692's picture

I'm not sure where to even begin. I have drifted in and out of varying stages of really enjoying my stepkids and then wondering what the hell I got myself into. It's so tough sometimes. I'm just going to lay my story out, however long, and see what I get here.

My relationship with my husband was fast. We were married within less than a year of dating--our wedding was last August. We had been childhood/teen friends, nothing more, but drifted apart as adults. When we met up again later in life (we are both in our late 30's now), it just felt right. It still does. He's a wonderful man and I love him very much. But it sounds like, from things I've heard, he wasn't always this man that he is now. There's a whole big chunk of life there where we didn't know each other. And that's fine--people grow and change, hopefully for the better, and clearly he did. I bring this up because when he and I are discussing things about his kids, I can't help but feel like he really hasn't helped the situation any in the past and he's only just seeing it now. It's all gone unchecked for so long. Like he totally gets what I'm sayng and agrees, but I don't know, like he hadn't put as much thought into it until we got together? 

Anyways, because our relationship was fast and he only gets weekend visits, I didn't have many opportunities to get to know his kids (now 13 & 15, but 12 & 14 at the time) before getting married. We met up a few times for dinner, stuff like that. Kids were excited to get to know me and for the wedding. All seemed good. Mostly anyways. He spent a lot of time with my two kids (now 12 & 16) and was great to them, so I didn't really have any second thoughts about anything. My kids absolutely adore him. And they can see that I'm a happier person now with him. But sometimes, I think if I knew then what I know now, I might've put the brakes on things. Because it's just a lot. And I'm an overthinker and worrier, so it all gets to me sometimes. I hate to say that because my husband is absolutely worth it. But I know myself. I would've said hell no and not let it go any further if I had really, truly known earlier on. 

My stepkids and their mom are part of a religion that is very....oppressive and cult-like. I'm not going to get into what it is because I don't want to offend anyone, and typically I could care less what one wants to believe in. I only tell this as part of the context to the story. My husband was also part of this when he was married to his ex wife, but he left years ago when she cheated on him and they divorced. The church did him no favors while all of this was unfolding. That kind of broke his faith, so to speak. But she continued in the church and even homeschooled the kids for religious reasons, which again, is fine--BUT I think there are some definite wrong ways to go aboout that. 

The kids have grown up sheltered and cut off from others socially. Their mom has kind of been drifting in and out of the religion as it suits her fancy. I would say she's kind of half in, half out at this point. For the years the kids were homeschooled, they didn't have social interaction with other kids their age. The ones they did see from church were all considerably younger than them. So when they started attending public school this year, you can imagine--it's been disastrous.  

Can you imagine being a 12/13yo girl and just going to public school for the first time?  I mean, might as well throw her to the wolves. Middle school is awful. She has some really twisted ideals on what being a "strong woman" should be. To her, it seems like it must mean being tough, argumentative and contrary. With me, she often tries to talk herself up and seem like a tough chick, but I see through it. I don't know what the primary women in her life have taught her....it's just kind of sad. I found out her mom had been bleaching her hair since she was four years old. Like...what? Every time her darker roots start to show, they do it again. That's not just a fun girl thing--it's essentially editing her looks and telling her there's something wrong with them. And it was a secret. My husband didn't even know her hair isn't naturally as light as it is. Other family--same thing. She was born a bright blonde, so they all just assumed. But when it started turning more of a dishwater shade, mom put a stop to that I guess. So SD gets self conscious every time her roots start showing and wants it redone again. Also, her hair is absolutely wrecked from this and she doesn't know how to take care of it and make it a little more manageable. So then she's self conscious about her frizzy hair besides. 

At 13, she thinks that being sexy equates to being pretty. She shows up in all this revealing clothing. And I'm never one to judge another girl's clothing choices--I mean, work it girl. But she's doing it for all the wrong reasons. For her very first school dance she had picked out a very revealing little dress and she said, "Either girls are gonna hate me or boys are gonna love me." Just smh.

She does not know how to have meaningful friendships. She's been suspended for punching a kid in the face. She talks terribly about all of her friends behind their backs. The other day she asked me if there was anything I wish I could change about my friends. And I said, "No. I quite like my friends the way they are--that's why they're my friends. They all bring something good to my life and I value them very much." That really threw her for a loop. I think she maybe is basing all of her knowledge of what teen girl relationships are supposed to be like off of movies or something since she has no real life experience. She seems to think it's all supposed to be catty and petty. 

So with me, it seems like she's often having an internal battle between just being herself and being this hard, tough chick. I think she knows I can see through it. She's pretty cool to just chill with and have normal conversations. But when she starts getting all big for her britches and displaying the attention seeking behavior, I'm basically like girl please. I give attention for positive behavior. I try not to parent her too much and just be kind of like a cool aunt or something, but she really tests my patience and I need to get away sometimes. She has a hard time accepting me doing nice things for her just because. It has gotten better, but there's still a ways to go. I think the hardest part for me is having an understanding of why things are this way, but not having any real power to change any of it. 

Their mom's second marriage was very abusive. He is a drug user. She has now finalized the divorce with him, but he still harasses her regularly. So the kids were witnesses to all of this. I mean, how are they supposed to come out of that with no repurcussions? She and my husband were divorced ten years ago, and this was the man she cheated on him with and ultimately left him for. So he's been in the picture for these kids for a long time. I was the one to finally suggest therapy. But I don't know, they've been going for a while now and I'm not seeing a light at the end of the tunnel yet. 

My stepson is 15 and he's the one I really worry about though. I think there's hope for my SD to get some more things in life figured out yet and come out relatively ok in the end. But him...I just don't know. On one hand, he can be very sweet and I feel so much empathy for him. His mom does nothing but put him down. She creates issues and reasons to get into arguments with him. His interests don't matter--his two sisters are the golden children. As a result, he is always on the defense. He can't relax or just sit down for two seconds without a video game controller in his hands. He seems like he is always nervous about something. He paces relentlessly. He can't even sit to eat dinner. He wants to stand and pace with the plate in his hand. The other day I was helping him with a writing assignment that needed corrections, and all he kept saying was, "I know, I'm so stupid. Oh yep, stupid me--messed up that one too." No amount of reassurance from me that the mistakes were fine and fixable and that he was not stupid would change his mindset.

On the other hand though, it would appear he lacks empathy entirely. I think sometimes he can fake it to get by in a social setting, but he's not very good at it. He gets very angry at our pets. He likes to talk about murder, knives, killing, weapons and such. Almost to an obsessive level? He doesn't understand others' sadness when they lose someone. I sometimes think the only thing holding him back is whatever semblance of social norms he does understand, and that it would be frowned upon for him to act upon his more violent urges. He talks to himself all day long....not like in the usual way you or I might talk to ourselves, but rather he has entirely retorical conversations that almost sound like he is playing different roles in whatever the scenario is. His first year in an actual high school setting he was expelled for bringing a knife to school, which he was given a warning about once, but then he did it again so the school felt they had no choice for the safety of the other students. He wasn't threatening anyone per se, but rather, according to eyewitness acounts, he was showing it off. I don't know why on earth mom didn't just take it away right then and there in the first instance, but he wore the same pants to school the next day and apparently "forgot" it was still in his pocket.

And then that leads me to even more issues (though I guess less concerning in the grand scheme of things)....mom doesn't make them practice regular hygiene (i.e. SS wearing the same pants multiple days in a row and "forgetting" the knife was still in his pocket). Their home life is dirty--they're dirty. They have another little sister (6 years old) from their mom's second marriage, and when she hugs me, she smells yeast-y and in need of a bath. It's almost always an argument to get SD to take a shower, and SS has to constantly be reminded that he can't put on the same dirty clothes after his shower. Constant reminding that they can't wear their day clothes to bed. If we don't stay on top of reminding them, it won't happen. I know part of it is age, but at the same time, my 16 year old grew out of this by the time she was 13 or so and even my 12 year old son is beginning to grow out of it.

We're now having to resort to keeping our own clothes for them at our house. We bought them a whole bunch of clothes a few months back, and since then they've started showing up without even basics to get them by for a weekend. No coats in the middle of winter, underwear, socks, things like that. We had sent all of the things we bought back home with them because they needed them. The few things I have seen again are ruined. I feel like this is what you might have to do with little kids, not teens who are perfectly capable of packing sufficiently and taking care of their own things. The "girl" things I've bought for my SD to use (I wanted to help a girl out with her hair and such) are all but gone. I think her mom uses them for herself. She made a big deal of asking me about replacing an eyeshadow palette for SD that had been ruined (through no one's fault) and it was just a little offputting. I got the sense that it wasn't really her kid she was asking for. But then again, just the same, I would feel like a jerk if I gave gifts and nice things and told them they had to keep it at our house. That's not really fair to them. So I guess that's just what I signed up for. 

So although I feel deeply for these kids and care very much about them and even have some wonderful times with them, I can't help but also feel overwhelmed by the sheer monstrousity of all the issues when I look at the big picture. Their mom is very nice to me. But everything is only surface deep with her. As long as outward appearances look good. For all intents and purposes, she looooves spending time with her kids, and even now is becoming a "gamer" (hair twirl). She has ALWAYS taken issue with SS playing video games and has always used it as something to hang over his head. But now that her new boyfriend is into gaming, so is she all of a sudden. Like what a slap in the face for my poor SS. She could never take an interest in the games just because he liked them, but now since this boyfriend is into them, it's ok.

I get the sense from their mom that she's so "happy" to have someone like me in the picture who also loves her kids like she says is because she's got another person to take some of the work for her. And that's not what I signed up for. I don't want to parent these kids. Have a relationship and be someone they can trust? Yes, absolutely. But I am not another mom for them. That's her job. My husband is not a parent to my kids, nor would I expect him to be. But they are friends and care about each other. That is plenty.

Ugh, with everything I've written so far, I forgot to mention when their house burned down not all that long ago. Mom was out of town with the new boyfriend. While she was gone, SS wanted to stay with us, which was fine and the girls stayed with an aunt. Mom wanted SS back on a Wednesday night. So my husband dropped him off, having no idea that he was going to be on his own all night. See, unknown to us, mom wanted him to be there the next day for when the two younger girls came home from school. So the kids were making dinner (this was Thursday night after school, since SS was dropped off Wednesday) and the stove ended up catching on fire. With just the three kids at home. They managed to escape to a neighbor's. Because of all the clutter and filth, the place lit up like a match. But then...turns out, mom was still at least three hours away when this all happened. Like....what? Why wouldn't she have just arranged for the kids to stay another night with family or us or SOMETHING if she knew she was going to be getting in late? I've been told by other people close to them that she came off rather unphased or uncaring when they finally got a hold of her to let her know what had happened. To top that all off, her mom, for religious reasons, cared more that she'd been out with a man unchaperoned rather than, you know, her grandkids could have, like, died due to her negligence.

Anyways, if you've made it through all of this, I commend you. Really, thank you for reading. It hurts my head and my heart. I feel on edge when they come over, even if I do find myself enjoying them at times too. It's an odd existence and I'm always fighting battles in my head over it. I don't mean to sound like my kids are better in some way, but they are just so much more easygoing. And they know the rules and expectations. And I know I'm not perfect and neither are my kids. Just....in comparison, it's like night and day. It's like we have to start over from square one every time the sk's come over, which requires constantly staying on top of them as task managers. If you give them an inch, they take a foot. Always trying to see what boundaries and rules they can push.

If you've got anything at all helpful for any one aspect of this, I will be so grateful. I've never taken the opportunity to write down the entirety of all this, so at the very least, doing just that much has been very cathartic. 

CLove's picture

This site, and all the valuable experience of others, has helped me a great deal over time. And sometimes just writing it out helps as well, to give clarity and a sense of peace about it all.

Ive been "in this" for over 5 years now, married for 1.5 years. My issue currently is a Toxic BM. Her youngest and I at one time were close, but with this virus, she being on lockdown wither her older sister - shes drifted away from me quite a bit these past few weeks.

Your BM sounds really kind of crazy, but not the kind of crazy thats easy to put a finger on. Toxic Troll is a classic narcissistic selfish POS. That ones easy.

Keep posting when you feel like it.

Disengagement will bring you continued bliss - dont try to be the "fill in" person, their parents both need to step up. Focus your attention and energy on your own bios.

And think about getting nanny cams...

holly5692's picture

Yes--it IS really hard to put my finger on. She's nice and all, but her priorities are whack. It's almost like she lives in a bit of a fantasy. Like lady--your kids are NOT ok. How about we work on getting them well? How about we make choices that actually benefit them and quit sweeping all these issues under the rug? But to her, it's like everything's fiiiiiiiiiine. 

I have been thinking more and more about disengagement and what that might look like for me since it was brought up to me here yesterday. I hadn't heard of that. I was sort of trying to NACHO, just more in the way of not being the one to discipline or do a lot of the parenting. I was hoping that I could just work on forming a good relationship with them. But clearly, I have issues truly disengaging from all the things that are happening. I am going to try harder. 

It's going to be more difficult with quarantine though. The kids have been coming now for longer stays than just the weekend and I'm having to actually be the adult in charge all day. I also feel like their mom is just doing the fun stuff with them, while school work and all the hard parts get tossed in my lap. 

But it's only fair--if my kids have to do homework and chores, EVERYone has to do them. So wish me luck. I'll put this disengaging thing into better practice once quarantine is over. I guess it'll give me time to think more about how I really want this to work and what I want my level of involvement to be. 

Thank you for welcoming and sharing with me. I'm taking all of this advice to heart and really thinking on it. 

TheBrightSide's picture

Could you be my Mom?  You seem very fair, level headed, well spoken and emotionally stable.  (I'm 39 (cough, cough) so I wouldn't need that much mothering)

I have zero advice.  Those kids are lucky to have you.   Wait...i do have some advice.  You would be surprised by how postively those kids will be impacted just  by modeling normal behaviour around them and by watching you parent your own children.  Sometimes the more you back off, the more they will seek you out. 

The boy, however, sounds like he may have some sociopathic tendencies: 

According to "The Google" the following are Sociopathic traits:
Glibness and Superficial Charm.
Manipulative and Conning. They never recognize the rights of others and see their self-serving behaviors as permissible. ...
Grandiose Sense of Self. ...
Pathological Lying. ...
Lack of Remorse, Shame or Guilt. ...
Shallow Emotions. ...
Incapacity for Love.
Need for Stimulation.

 

 

 

 

holly5692's picture

LOL sure, what's one more? Come on over! Thank you, btw--that's really nice of you to say.

I did back off a bit compared to when we started out, and I think you're right. Especially with the 13 year old....as I've backed off some, she does seek me out more for advice or someone to listen, so that's nice. I hadn't really thought of it that way.

Thank you for pointing out the sociopathic tendencies. I'm no expert, but that's honestly what I was leaning towards. When he comes over for just a weekend, he can keep up his funny guy persona for the most part. But I just had him here for over a week. The longer he stays at a time, the more comfortable he gets, the more he lets slip out. By the time he went home, I could hardly take listening to him anymore. I don't personally fear for my kids' or my safety around him because he genuinely seems to like us, but I do wonder if maybe someone else who crosses his path might not be so lucky one day. I know that just having sociopathic tendencies doesn't automatically make one a murderer or something. But what if it's unchecked? I don't know. We don't get updates about his therapy. Is this being addressed? No idea.