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Just when I think I can't feel more guilty - I do!

Burntoutsecondwife's picture

I have a horrible question(s) to ask.

Have any of you ever considered just saying it is me or them? I really can't take the endless drama these kids and their mother have brought into my life. It has had a substantial impact on my physical and mental health, and I am near a total breakdown or a stroke or something. I CANNOT live like this anymore. I feel like I either get to live this hell or leave my husband and move on alone and with a broken heart, as we are absolutely perfect together. My mom is afraid that I'm going to end up dead from this stress or from his ex harming me as she is crazy. She is an actual diagnosed by a medical professional crazy ass woman! She is BP and suffers from borderline personality disorder.

My husband and his ex are in this awful custody dispute. She's unwilling to negotiate at all and still expects full CS even with a 50/50 schedule. We are eventually going to run out of ways to pay an attorney. I am full of resentment. We are broke and in debt. I can't do this anymore, but I also can't NOT do it anymore if that makes sense. I don't think I have ever felt so hopeless in all of my life.

What do you do when you are stuck like this?

Pilgrim Soul's picture

Gosh, that sounds extremely bad! I am sorry you are so stressed out. And i know where you are coming from: in my case, I am dealing with a bunch of narcissistic personalities in BM and skids, and even though i am not at the breaking point right now i can feel your pain, if that is any consolation. Anyone would lose their mind in that kind of scenario.

You need to take care of yourself. Therapy, support group for SMs ( this one here or in person),
practicing relaxation, working out, doing yoga, etc. I also think your DH needs to make your needs a priority. I have been in your shoes several times over the years where i would break down and say, this is too much for me, i just cannot deal with this insanity anymore ( something like, BM preventing visitation while vacationing in Europe, for one). I wanted to walk away from everything. The answer is to build a wall that would protect you from her influence. DH need to help, brick by brick.

How old are the skids? How often do you see them? 50/50 - one week on, one off? Are they nice to you? Do you have bio kids? Is there anything redeeming about your situation? Do they add anything to your life? Can you structure it so that every Saturday morning, for example, you do something you enjoy tremendously? With your girlfriends, or by yourself? Prioritize yourself! And find a good counselor.

Also, hopefully, things cannot get any worse which means they will get better. They have to. You can vent here as much as you like.

Burntoutsecondwife's picture

I do have three kids and have them 50/50 with my ex and we get along fine and work thing out for our drama!

He currently has his kids two days a week. There is nothing I like about them. I posted a couple of days ago listing why I don't like them. Alot of it is that I resent them so much that the sight of them makes my blood pressure shoot through the roof. I dread their visits more than I dread getting a cavity filled.

I used to love to workout as stress relief, but as a result of a trampoline injury (done while trying to bond with the brats) I have been disabled for almost a year and can't do anything. I'm actually still in cast so I've lost my number one way to blow off steam. I've resorted to crying everyday and throwing stress balls down the hallway when no one is home. I journal, and it helps a little, but I swear if my husband read that thing he'd probably pack up and leave.