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Just venting

Notthedoormat's picture

I've posted before about BM being what most reasonable people would consider inappropriate.  Just last night she texted DH while we were sitting on the couch together...telling him that their oldest child got a new job.  This 'child' is a 26 year old adult that has had some recent problems and did an extended psychiatric inpatient stay, has lived with BM for several years and generally hasn't completely grown up yet, but also has a college degree and does as he/she pleases. Of course DH was glad to hear about the new job and hope this leads to better things for SK26.  I commented to DH that SK26 should be the one letting DH know about this and how things are going. DH agreed with me. BM gushed on for a bit and I got up and went to the kitchen. 

Just a couple of weeks ago BM and SGK video called DH and I, but DH was tied up doing something so I answered first and BM seemed awkward. I tried to chat to her and made small talk, but soon after DH joined the call and her demeanor completely changed...she became bubbly and bright,  saying we needed to come visit and see the grands because they've grown since our visit in February. I am essentially left out of the convo so I am silent until we say goodbye.

Because the skids and Sgks essentially live with BM, we go to her house for visits and over the last 3 years I've managed to deal with it, sometimes better than others, and it helps that DH has started grasping how hard it is for me and as long as he's supportive and understanding I can manage for now. But even when we aren't going in person, she has to insert herself at any possible opportunity,  it seems....

SD22 has been video chatting DH after several weeks of radio silence and talking about wanting to come to our house with the kids for a visit. She doesn't drive,  so that means DH will have to make the 4.5 hour drive to pick them up and also to take them back. She seems dead set on the visit happening this month, but has emphasized how many appointments she and the kids have scheduled so only certain dates will work for her. It just ao happens that it's a busy month for us, too, and my Bday is this month. She hasn't directly mentioned my birthday weekend,  but she has definitely danced around it and heavily insinuated that it would be a good time. I can very happily say DH has avoided it like a champ and suggested a different weekend,  although a very busy one for us with a lot going on...but I'll make it work. 

This visit is usually once a year so I won't make a big deal out of it and will try to be pleasant,  but I have learned over the years that it's not in my best interest to try to go too far out of my way for people who don't appreciate it. I will make dinner and do my usual things in that regard.  SD has already stated that there's a particular shop she wants to go to so DH and I can buy each sgk a specific toy (not inexpensive) and I'm debating how to handle that when the day comes....on one hand,  I'm thinking it should be acceptable to go, give SD $50 for each child to get their gift. Keep in mind its not a birthday for them or a holiday,  but we have a wedding shower,  a graduation, SD's birthday and other events this month as well where gifts are involved....  I just don't like the assumption being made that we can't wait to go blow money on something that will end up tossed aside to take up space and collect dust.   But on the other hand,  I also don't want to create a problem and risk an argument over it. It's not like it will create a financial hardship if we spend more on the requested toys, but DH and I both work full time and overtime to have what we have. Plus we have another grand on the way and this level of "spoiling" isn't sustainable for all kids, so it won't be fair. 

I'm just venting, really,  but I appreciate feedback. Maybe I'm just stressed and blowing it out of proportion. 

Winterglow's picture

Why can't SD22 figure out how to get to your place by herself? A 9 hour round trip for your DH? Twice in a weekend? That's just plain crazy 

Notthedoormat's picture

She doesn't drive, her husband is a deadbeat and BM won't drive long always falls on DH to do the driving...

Winterglow's picture

She's the one who wants to come she should work it out. How about your DH is sick that weekend? Personally, I'd worry about his capacity to focus on the road for that length of time regardless of his age.

Winterglow's picture

I hate to harp on but... no bus,no train? Even if it only brings them a few hours closer, at least they will be assuming a bit of responsibility and, at the same time, it would relieve your DH a little. It's time  their decisions affected them too.

Survivingstephell's picture

That ridiculous to be that dependent as a parent. Let alone an adult.  Schedule the car for maintenance so DH can't drive?  Lol.  

Next time BM video calls, be affectionate with DH.  Rub his arm, hold his hand , you know normal stuff. It doesn't take much energy to piss off a BM like this.  You will knock the shine right off her bubbly and bright demeanor.  

Notthedoormat's picture

DH definitely hates the driving part, but he is gaga over the moon for the grands, so he'll do the driving and complain about it to me. I've told him that other people need to understand that it's a lot when you work full time and have responsibilities and arthritis.  We're still in our 40's, so we're not elderly yet, but it still takes a toll.

I've done the affectionate thing before....even laying my head over on his chest when she's called around bedtime.  She seems relatively unphased, but I will definitely keep it up!

ESMOD's picture

Why not rent an Air bnb or rent hotel space?  in their area for the weekend and host everyone there?  Otherwise.. really two 9 hour drives for you guys seems beyond appropriate to request.  Or.. rent something not far from them?  

Unfortunately, it seems they have been raised to be able to expect to dictate the show.. if I were a parasite with no transportation.. darned if I would be demanding anything.

Notthedoormat's picture

DH dreads the driving,  but is glad they'll be at our home so we can circumvent BM's house altogether. 

We've looked for rentals to stay in, but it's a pretty desolate area with nothing there. Only 2 hotels and not really kid friendly for visiting. 

As bad as the drive it, I honestly am also thrilled to get to avoid BM. 

It's the entitled voice, sugary sweet babytalk....insisting that "we want you to take us here and buy X for the kids"......

My kids would never and if they dared they'd get a smack from me. DH does a lot for them, but they don't demand it. 

I am hoping I can slip in doses of reality on the asking her about getting a job or some education or job training so she will eventually be able to support her children...


Rumplestiltskin's picture

Some things can't be helped, but video calls from BM would be a no for me. Grandkids or not. Idk if you have a lot of phone or video chats with your ex, and if you do and that's something both you and your DH are ok with, fine, but i just feel like BM is using the grandskids as a reason to call your husband. It must bother you or you wouldn't be posting about it. Visits and calls with the skids and grandskids are one thing. I file it under obligations, but if it's just BM calling to chat while she is watching the grandskids. Hmm. Have you told him it bothers you?

Notthedoormat's picture

And I'm sure I've made enough remarks and enough I eyeballs that it's obvious.  But DH thinks she's just being thoughtful and considerate by video calling when she has sgks, because we don't get to see them as often.  I wouldn't mind visiting more often if didn't have to see them at BM's house. I think SD and BM are 'in league' and SD won't call until she's at BM's house at times,  as well.  She is at her in-law's house if she's not at BM's and it's a loud, disorganized place so calls are often just us listening to the background noise and seeing the video of the kids running around half naked in a filthy mess.  I guess I've filed those calls under things that can't be helped, as you mentioned.  I vent here and it helps to blow off some steam so I don't explode.



Harry's picture

Video chatting with BM.  His kids are adults.  If they want to talk to there BF they can.  There marriage ended .  Also these calls should of ended when kids became adults,  I would not allow these calls.  Hill to died on.  End calls or go back to BM.  Not both 

Notthedoormat's picture

Be the point I reach. I have been hoping SD gets her life together,  with or without her slacker H, and they move completely out of their parents' homes and we only see to encounter BM at birthday parties and the like.  DH has come to begin to understand my position a little and I'm hoping his eyes open more, because this isn't something I can do into perpetuity for the sake of my own sanity.  

He thinks BM is being kind, I see a harpy wedging her foot in the door...

CLove's picture

EGADS. Vidoe chats with BM would definitely not happen.

Im confused about all the grands and obligations - no wonder you feel overwhelmed! Time to set up specific budgets to take the decision-making out of things. Sounds like you have skidult-fatigue Biggrin

Notthedoormat's picture

To hear that I'm not crazy, lol.  It's definitely worn me out!


Losingit321's picture

I have an amazing 8 month old grandson and I never not once even thought about calling or texting my ex husband about this.  He has his life and I have mine.  I sort of have a similar situation where my DH's ex wife will not let go an is clinginging to his family almost 9years on but I digress. That is the part that would bother me more than anything. 

Kids will always get more from their parents then what we might see are reasonable.  Heck I am sure my DH thinks I do too much for my adult son.. but too bad.  That part I would try and let go and try to keep the peace.  





Rags's picture

out the travel.


At most, I would send her bus tickets for herself and the G-Skids in lieu of going to pick them up then returning them to BM's house.

I have no problem, conceptually, paying for a kid to visit.  However, adult kids who expect it... nope. They can figure it out.  

Our son (SS-30) will not let us pay for his travel even to come visit us.  We have to get sneaky to cover his airfare.   Conversely, the SpermClan will try to guilt him to come visit them and have never once offerred to pay for his travel. Since reaching adulthood he has only visited them once.  Other than when he is with us while visiting his mom's family.  He will usually meet the SpermClan for a short lunch if we are having a visit trip with DW's family.

His mom and I have traveled many times to spend time with him since he launched.  All over the world.  THEY, have never once saught him out for a visit. Not when he was a kid under the CO, nor as an adult. When he turned 18, they have made zero effort other than to give him shit and a guilt trip for visiting us, or my IL clan, and not them.

He has always been clear with them that he is not going to burn his leave and travel from across the globe to see them since tney have never made an effort.

Time for SD-22 to grow up and make the effort rather than guilting daddy into being her Uber boy..