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just sad that i feel i have to disengage

Trinka's picture

Hate, hate, hate this!
BF and BM are cordial… have not been together since before SD was born. BF is a great dad – they have a Wonderful relationship.
I am building a great relationship with Future SD16 over the past 10 months. BM is jealous ( I think she is jealous of SDs relationship with her dad too). I cannot handle it anymore. We only get to see her everyother weekend – most of the time it isn’t even for the whole weekend if at all – (SD has lots of stuff going on – she is busy with friends / vacations etc) ex. Last time BF saw her was July 22. When they went away for a few days. I haven’t seen them since before they left on the 19th. – thats almost a whole month.

She had the nerve to text ME. Telling me that it makes SD uncomfortable that we texted her from my cell over the weekend. That “she chose not to respond because she was uncomfortable” and that I should respect “her time” as her boyfriend respects Dad Weekends.
BF and I KNOW that it is not SD that is uncomfortable. It is BM. She proceeded to say EVERY little thing that I have done that she has a problem with and “cannot get passed.” Including that SD is upset that we are considering having a baby. She hates that SD is upset and uncomfortable and that she doesn’t see that I am doing anything to change and things are just going to get worse. WTF?

I don’t do anything bad. Everything I do is for SD.
I don’t act like “a mom” – I am more of the fun aunt role. The only “disciplinary’ thing that I have ever, ever done was disagree with her dad in front of her about cursing in the house. He told her it was OK. And I “reacted” and said uh-NO! then later I sat with her and told her it was ok to a point, she has to be respectful and use common sense – she just looked at me – and laughed a little – told me “I know that” with a smile.
She knows she is welcome anytime – that our home is hers too. I have told her that without her dad around.
She borrows my clothes and jewelry when she forgets something at home. We talk about her friendships and going to college. She is a pleasure to have around and I miss her when she is gone.

#1. How much nerve does it take to contact ME. Then she gets pissed and texts my BF that I am causing more problems by not responding to her. WTF? Gods honest truth she doesn’t want to know what I have to say. She is only doing it for more “ammunition” against me.

#2 – would Love to know if SD even knows that mom is reading her texts.

BM is trying to kill alllllll of that. There is NOTHING I can say or do that is ‘good’ or right by her. Not that I am trying to please her – but she should realize that I am a very good influence on her daughter.

SO….. I decided to disengage. This is our weekend with her. Friday I made plans with my cousin. Saturday I am watching a friends son. Sunday I am going out with “my girls”………
BF said he is going to talk to SD as soon as he sees her so he can get the REAL story. How she really feels about everything. It just sucks that I have to disengage because of some jealous b*tch.
This whole thing makes me sad. I just hope that I am doing the right thing by disengaging. Sad

3familiesIn1's picture

I disengaged from SD9 a few years back to stop BM from making her into a tug of war rope. It was unfortante because BM has stated many times she never wanted kids and if she had to have a kid that it should have been a boy. She is not a 'mother' to her daughter in any real way. SD is now 12 - she CRAVES a mother. DH wanted me to fill that role, it was all ok for the first 6 months of us living together then BM had an absolute fit when she realized that SD and I got along and things were going great. She freaked out on DH who then in turn freaked out on me - I saw BM pulling SD back and forth and making her feel guilty for being happy with us - so I let go, disengage isnt the right word, I simply let go - its BMs kid, DH wasn't supporting me being too afraid of BM so I just let go. I don't need SD, she needs me - if her parents are going to have a fit, then I don't need to do anything. I feel bad for SD - she sees my BDs and I and how close we are and she is sort of on the outside looking in to some degree, I keep her at arms length.

Now I disengaged from SS - he is horrible. THAT is disengagement to the max.

Trinka's picture

my BF has totally stepped up telling BM that she is out of line. SD is a VERY Intelligent 16. she sees how manipulative BM is. i am even pretty sure that SD sticks up for me in BMs house - and i think that is some of the problem.

BF is convinced that as soon as she gets the nerve up she is going to ask to live with us. fortunately we live in the same town so it wouldnt affect her school.

SD is happy with me in her life. and in her dads life. i just wish that BM would back the f*** off. and see whats best for her kid.

3familiesIn1's picture

Ah yes. Well my DH is spineless and terrified of BM - I guess he hasn't recovered from her mentally crushing him for 13 years.

You see, the kaka hit the fan back when SD then 9 did exactly that - she asked to live with us. BM and DH are 50-50, SD wanted to spend more time here with us - that is when the tug - o - war started. In fact, DH was all for it because he knew SD9 was lacking a mother in general - but when BM flipped out, he chickened out and frankly threw SD to the wolves by not honoring her request to live more with us than with BM.

BM guilted SD to the max for even asking to live with us. Things like, I am your only family, how can you not want your own mother - total crap like that.

We live 10 mins from BM so schools will not be effected either.

SD is now 12. My BD is 12. They are like twin sisters, joined at the hip. SS7 is a little jerk who runs the household. SD12 is pretty much his primary caregiver with BM - everyone is to slave to SS7. SD12 likes it better here with BD12 and BD8 her step sisters where she is allowed to be a kid and not a stand in mother to SS7 and stand in partner to her mother. Unfortunately she doesn't approach the idea of living here more at all now - BM beat her down mentally too much for that.

SD12 knows full well what her mother is like, but she craves a mother so bad - its hard to watch how she kisses her mothers ass for just a pat on the head. BM favors SS7 completely because he is the boy she wanted. SD12 begs for her mothers attention - its heart breaking to stand back and watch. I can do nothing without DH leading the cause so I just sit back and wait. SD12 will break free some day - it will be harsh for BM when she does.