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Just Realizing it is not just a Step Kid Issue

Sandybeaches's picture

I will try to make this brief ..

I am just realizing it is NOT just a step-kid issue my DH never takes my side against anyone!  No matter who caused the issue it seems he always gets mad at me because I am the one who either got upset, mentioned it or got mad.  NEVER the person who caused the issue. 

But I think the bigger issue for me today is that I didn't handle the situation myself and I tolerated it because I thought either DH would get mad at me or I thought that DH wanted it that way or really I don't know why I guess I didn't feel comfortable for whatever reason and I choose wrong and hate how I feel today about not standing up for myself.  

I guess I have to make it a little longer so you will know what I am talking about and offer me suggestions on how to feel better and what I should do.

We have HORRIBLE neighbors.  DH complains about them all the time too! They needed a tree cut down it is near the property line.  It would be easier to access from our side but they could access from theirs too a little harder but possible. 

They asked my DH months ago if they could use our driveway.  I said to DH I hope you told them no, in my eyes, bad neighbors no favors I think.  Well that set off world war 3 DH was furious with me that I said don't give them access.  Good neighbors I would help them cut down their tree if need be but bad neighbor pound salt! 

So after the fight I say to him ok what if they do this or that in our yard making up possible scenarios just in case they happen, he says he will take care of it. 

Well 4 months later they show up.  Never tell us they just start throwing their tools over the fence (their fence not mine but my yard) I go out tell them I am not happy about this but in my mind DH had told the guy they could.  So sure enough just as I had suspected they would, they step over the line and start standing on our fence and picnic table to cut down the tree.  They get up on our garage roof and act like it is perfectly ok.  I am livid and I want to go out and kick their As*** out of my yard!!  But I didn't feel comfortable. 

So DH gets home from work and I tell him.  He got mad because I didn't say something.  When I mentioned that I told him that is why I didn't want them over here and that I asked him about what if this or that happened and he said he would take care of it.  He said I didn't and he never said that they could do those things only that they could use our driveway but not touch any of our stuff. I kept reminding him of the argument and he said I never asked those things.  

 Needless to say we got into an argument.  I imagine it is another time he just wasn't listening to me however, I didn't want them here, I didn't want to allow them access and I should have said NO irregardless of what DH said.  DH is real good about saying everything is fine to someones face and then complaining to me about it so I can be the B**** and he can be mister nice guy!

I am so mad at myself for allowing it when I never wanted them on our side in the first place.  I just can't shake the feeling of why the hell I didn't go outside and take care of it myself no matter what DH had said they could do!  Maybe thinking I would avoid an argument and look where that got me! Am I a B? what would you do and how can I handle it now?

tog redux's picture

Honestly, I'm conflict avoidant, too. I probably would NOT have gone out and said anything to them, because I wouldn't want to have started drama, especially if I thought DH had told them they could.  I might have told them to get off the fence if I thought it would damage the fence, but otherwise ...

Your larger issue is that DH can't own up to his own behavior, gaslights you ("you never said that!") and doesn't support you.  I think all couples get in squabbles over misunderstandings, but in your case, it doesn't get resolved, and it doesn't sound like he can say, "I didn't realize they would do that, I should have been more clear with them," instead of blaming you.

Gimlet's picture

Yep, I read that as her a-husband wants to make the decisions but wants her to take the nasty bits when it predictably goes to shit.  He's too weak to stand up to other people so he wants to take it out on OP.

This was ALL on your husband's shoulders since he made the decision to give them access, period.  You don't have to be his punching bag.   You did nothing wrong.

Harry's picture

This is how life is going to be.  Him being mister nice guy then everything is your fault.  I would not of said anything to those neighbor.  DH talk to them, he told them it's OK.  DH fixes the problem neighbors caused, 

stepmomwhoisdone's picture

Something wicked couldn't of put it more perfectly! I understand exactly where you're coming from because the same happened to me. My husband's sisters treated me horribly, some of his friends, his daughters had moments of treating me horribly, even once my girlfriend treated horribly in front of him and I got upset and he took her side and said I was overreacting. Every single thing that bothered me was always just me and just in my head and I overreacted and not necessary and yes my husband never stood up to anyone else especially to his ex-wife or to his sisters or to his daughters and because he was so out of control with them in that situation I was the only person he could control and the only person that wound up being his punching bag. I dealt with it for 11 years and it only got worse and I'm sorry to say that it doesn't get better. I finally had the courage to leave or actually make him leave and find a place for his daughters and him when they come to visit temporarily but in the meantime I want no part of it anymore I've had enough of it. I hope that you come to be strong enough to walk away from it because it is aHorrible place to be and no one deserves that.

Sandybeaches's picture

Thank you all you have given me a lot to think about and parts of what you say definitely feel like they fit other parts not as much.

He doesn't stick up for himself either which stepmomwhoisdone outlines perfectly.  I think he is no conflict with everyone and would be with me to if I didn't bring things up he would not say anything either.  I think he also wishes that I was also no conflict.  I am also proactive and he doesn't understand proactive at all.  He thinks proactive is worrying and making trouble where there isn't. I have been around people and the world long to anticipate that they are going to be AS****** because likely they will be depending on the situation so I don't like to fly blind. 

The large problem is he does come around eventually and he does apologize but he ends up doing it the next time something happens again. I do realize that most of the problems we have are because he won't stick up for me or himself and take care of whatever situation it is.  I feel like almost all of the situations are related to him so I keep my mouth shut thinking that he will handle it as it is his situation and I am late to the party because we have been together for many years and I am just realizing now that he never does.  He will sometimes even tell me how he is going to handle  a certain situation  and then he caves.  I used to get very angry because most of the time it was BM and his way of handling her craziness was to ignore it, instead of standing up to it. 

Perfect example was my step-sons wedding.  We were sticking together no matter what! I was treated terrible and actually so was he, when I brought that up later and asked why he didn't say anything, he got upset and said what was he supposed to do cause an issue at a wedding? I said yes why not they were.  He should have said something no matter what.  Needless to say I made the decision that day I am never going to anything for his kids ever again! He is welcome to go alone!

His way of handling things and mine are different he would much rather have no conflict and just let people do whatever they want whether he wants them to or not.  Actually I just realized in writing that he eventually gets mad if it is something he cares about but if it is something I care about. 

Maybe I am still describing "gaslighting"  I am just learning the term.  I appreciate your input I am just trying to sort out what is going on here with him.  Irregardless of what our problem is, I am done keeping my mouth shut to keep peace.  I am never waiting for him to handle a situation that I am not ok with ever again! I am going to start handling things myself!


ldvilen's picture

This is why I stopped going with DH to event-type situations regarding his family too:  “My step-kid’s wedding. . .  We were supposed to stick together no matter what!  I was treated terrible and actually so was he.  When I brought that up later and asked why he didn't say anything, he got upset and said what was he supposed to do cause an issue at a wedding?  I said yes why not they were.  He should have said something no matter what.  Needless to say, I made the decision that day I am never going to anything for his kids ever again!  He is welcome to go alone!”

All it took was one big ol’ a$$-whupping for me.  Then I came here.  Then I read several stories where SM and DH agreed next time, they’d have a plan, only to have DH wimp out big-time when that time came.  After that, I was done.  If your own husband will sit by and act nonchalantly while a whole boatload of people are ganging up on you, who knows what else he is capable of?  Heck!  That was several years ago, and is only now after him keeping his nose fairly clean for years (although, in all of that time, I’ve probably only gone to 2-3 of his family events) that I’m starting to warm up to him again and think of him as a husband vs. roommate/ buddy.

His kids (and gkids, present and future), I’ll never warm up to.  Too much at stake for me to even think about it, much less have any motivation whatsoever to make the attempt.  They certainly haven’t made any, and I assume never will, because who was ever there to set them straight, to remind them that dad and his wife (SM) are a team, a married couple?  Certainly not DH.

Sandybeaches's picture

So DH has apologized profusely!! He said that he had to admit that he was mad when we had the first fight and didn't listen to me completely when I was laying out the scenarios of what could and couldn't happen.  He said he was mad and never should have said that he didn't say it he should have said he didn't hear me say it. I think he didn't want to admit he wasn't listening as I mention that he doesn't often.  I told him he should have just said that as saying he didn't say it when I knew he did was worse.

The neighbors....... so I got mad that same day because I felt taken advantage of by the neighbors and they helped cause a fight between me and DH.  So I went outside and when the neighbor guy was outside, I called him over and told him that he took advantage of my DH being neighborly and went on with what his tree guy did. I told him my DH allowed him to come over here and that I would not have let them.  I told him their time on my side of the fence was over and not to ask again.  I also told them the reason why was because they had been horrible neighbors and quite honestly that they did not make me feel to neighborly.  I then told him that rest assured my DH will not be granting you permission to come over here again.

I let my DH know that I did this.  He seemed more than ok with it and a bit relieved .  I also decided at this moment that I, not my DH will be handling these situations in the future.  My DH is non-confrontational and doesn't like trouble.  While he wants our world to be peaceful and Uninhibited by anyone he is not willing to go to the lengths that I am to protect it.  So if I decide that something bothers me, then it is I who takes care of it! I also told my DH that NO ONE AND I MEAN NO ONE is granted permission or access to our yard unless it goes through me!!  His fault, he now gets to be one those husbands who says I have to check with my wife.  Or if he doesn't while he may grant permission I will go out and throw anyone off my property irregardless!! This is how we are handling and he has not said a word otherwise!!  

I feel much better that I stuck up for myself to the neighbor and my DH.  My DH would not confront someone no matter what but he will ignore people that is his way. The neighbor guy has text him twice one telling him the weekend was the day the tree guy was coming and next to tell him he was done.  My DH did not answer either time and was mad about what the tree guys did.  While I hate how my DH handled it and don't like that he can't stand up to people I am much happier now that I have come to realize if he can't I can and I will !!!

Rags's picture

No, you are not a "B".  Your neighbors did stupid dangerous crap on  your property. If one of them had fallen off of your roof, slipped and broken a leg while standing on your picnic table, etc.... they would have sued the shit out of you.  

Not that many people think of these things during home projects.  I have spent much of my career leading maintenance and construction organizations in dangerous industrial environments so I tend to be sensitive to the idiot moves that people make while at home. Home is the most dangerous place most of us spend time.

Me included.  Even with my successful career leading large organizations performing dangerous work safely... I brain farted in Sept of 2018, went outside bare foot to bring a package inside and as I was stepping back in the front door I slipped and while trying to recover the slip I fell and broke my Rt leg.  I blew the ball of my Fibula out of the side of my ankle when my tibia broke.  I was home alone on a Saturday. my phone was in the bedroom and I had to crawl about 100ft, through the kitchen to bag my bleeding leg in a clean new garbage bag so I would not ruin my brides carpet and floors, then through the house and across the bedroom where my phone was in the middle of our King sized bed. I had to stand up, grab my phones, call 911 on one phone and my wife on the other.

All because I brainfarted, got careless and did not put on my flipflops.  At that time I had not gone barefoot anywhere outside of the shower in years. I have not gone barefoot since.

I was signficantly humbled during that experience.  My office walls have many safety performance awards hanging all over the place and I managed to blow a bone through my leg stepping in my front door.

For the rest of that year my safety topic for every meeting had slides with slip and fall statistics and pics of my bone sticking out of my leg, incisions and sutures on both sides of my ankle and XRay pics with plates and pins in my ankle.  I know it is probably odd but once I got my phone, I took all kinds of pics lying on my bedroom floor waiting for the paramedics to find my house and while lying in the ER waiting for them align the bones.