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Just me again venting about SD19

Chalky.hands's picture

So for those of you who have read my previous posts about being disrespected by SD19 and SO having high expectations towards me, just a little update

I ended up buying Easter eggs for both SS13 and SD19. Just trying to be nice ! SO made a basket with other stuff and added mine inside. He gave it to them when I wasn't home and said it's from both of us.


Next time SKs visited, no thank you from them, no acknowledgement for me at all whatsoever, no hello, not even looking at me. I'm basically a ghost. SD went straight to her room after letting herself in the house. At least I had a small talk with SS13 even though he would not acknowledgement me first either. 


I know this is me venting about the same issue again but it's really starting to take a toll on me.


I talked to SO later on about SD still being rude and he told me again to "not lower my standards". So I said "lowering my standards to what?  Are you saying she has low standards?" And he said "hmm no, I think she is just a teenager, she will learn the consequences one day"

This is a big joke right ?!!

Rags's picture

You did what you usually do and are again disappointed.  Stop what  you are doing and change tactics.

Sadly, it is no joke.  That DH is telling you to not lower your standards and yet doing shit for nothing to correct his rotten failed family tells anyone more about what they need to know about your DH.  He is the failed parent and the problem after all.

Take care of you.

Chalky.hands's picture

He is more worried she is gonna give him a hard time if he says something to the kids. I think...

He is more worried about causing another drama with her than consistently hurting my feelings. It's sad. For me.

I think BM's triangulation worked wonder. As someone stated in a previous post it's a lose-lose situation. If he does what's right to me (insist they are respectful) BM will go insane and turn the kids against him and say that I'm a terrible person. She will make up a story that he is abusive toward the kids and choosing me over them. Which we all know it's complete non sense. 


Winterglow's picture

So he expects SD to magically just "learn". No! It's your SO's job as a parent to TEACH her! Ask him  why he doesn't love her enough to teach her to be a decent  human being. 

Chalky.hands's picture

That to teach them good behaviour we SHOW them good behaviour. I agree with that but it doesn't mean that there is no consequences for them if they don't show good behaviour themselves. 

And at 19yo you already know what good behaviour is.

Chalky.hands's picture

She already knows what respects is and what disrespect is. She just chose disrespect because it seems like it's ACCEPTED for her to do in our household. 

If I say that, he will say he is already teaching her by being respectful to her. 

Winterglow's picture

Ah, i see, he thinks you learn by osmosis. He's an even worse parent than I thought.

Chalky.hands's picture

Think you learn by osmosis but he uses it as an excuse when I bring up kids behaviour to justify why he won't enforce the rules at home.

He knows that's not how kids learn. The question is why is it so hard for him to do something about it ?

I think that its because he is worried he is gonna hurt their feelings or "prove BM right" that kids don't like me. And he cares less about my own feelings. At least not against his own kids. 

I caught him recently referring to his kids as "2 youngs kids". He thinks they are babies. 

When he leaves SS13 alone for a bit to go to the shops he says "don't touch anything".

To his 19yo "turn off the light when you go to bed"


CajunMom's picture

I'd completely disengage. Tell your SO, he can tolerate and deal with his disrespectful kids that he REFUSES to discipline and hold to common society standards. You will not. They walk in the house and don't acknowledge you, then don't acknowledge them. NO MORE GIFTS. MInimize anything you do that benefits them. Start thinking of yourself and your own mental health. Trust me, if you don't, you will end up sick. Ask me how I know. No one walks in my home today and treats me disrespectfully.

As Rags said, you did what you usually do and are AGAIN disappointed. Time to get off the Merry-Go Round. 

ImperfectlyPerfect's picture

YEP. Step off the merry-go round. I did. I used to do so much even plan elaborate trips, etc. Never met with gratitiude. Start putting those resources towards YOU and do the minimum. The most I do is if I get an acknowledgment and an invite to something for a gift grab is placing a card in the mail - I don't attend said events anymore (I tried, they treated me like crap) and I also don't provide resources/gifts any longer- my SKIDs are adults. I've learned to do the bare minimum and it's HARD at first, you want to do things to show you care and I LOVE to do things for people, but these are NOT your people and they are making that very clear. Their decision, their consequence, your gain (monetarily speaking.) Stop all this and use that money for a massage or something lovely for yourself. 

Cover1W's picture

Yes! Stop!  I stopped giving gifts too for the most part. Since OSD18's 18th bday was recently, I left her a card in her room with some cash in it since she never showed up around her birthday. She did have it last weekend. Did I get any thanks?  NOPE!  So again, back to no more gifts. And I don't say anything to DH because he'll just shrug it offf. 

Chalky.hands's picture

When it come to his kids. 

If I disengage he will probably end our relationship 

Rags's picture

Good riddance and take care of you.

Write this failed man, failed partner, failed parent, and his failed family crotch rats off and get on with living your best life.

I would if I were you. What can possibly be mitigating ending this shallow and polluted gene pool shit show?  Please share that so we can adjust our recommendations accordingly.

Take care of  you.

Give rose

I never wanted to be divorced.  Because of that naivete I stayed married to my serially adulterous XW for 2.5 years longer than I should have. I woke up the AM after the social event of the season wedding knowing it was not going to last.  I should have pulled the plug with an annulment on Monday following the Saturday wedding. Instead, I was super Rags, I can fix anything.  So I destroyed my life for 2 years.

Don't waste  your life on failed people. Or their ill raised, ill behaved spawn.

Chalky.hands's picture

SO who I love because of his Kids and ex's abusive behaviour towards me then they win. That's what they want afterall. They try to get rid of me. If I leave the relationship I'm gonna be the one suffering the consequences again (the heartbreak). 

Either way I lose.  

But that's just me being in love and ignoring the red flags 

Winterglow's picture

If you leave, he'd have to take up the slack. Don't underestimate the weight of what you do for these ingrates.  Why do you think he doesn't want you to disengage? Because if you do, HE'D have to do it all himself.

Evil4's picture

If you leave it'll be because your SO didn't have your back. I went through absolute hell with my shunning bitch mini-wife SD for years because my DH didn't have my back. I finally lost it and told him that I will not be with a man who expects me to be abused. What you are going through is demeaning. Your SO can either stand up for you or he can lose you. Do something before the physical symptoms put you in the hospital. Ask me how I know.

Chalky.hands's picture

That's exactly the word I used a few days ago and he said he doesn't see it that way...


Winterglow's picture

Of course he doesn't see it that because it works for him, it all goes his way. He has absolutely no empathy and as long as he isn't expected to lift a finger, he's happy to skip on down the same path. Why stay with someone who doesn't care about your wellbeing? He's only interested in his own comfort and if you're not happy with that you can leave ( the way he sees things, not mine).


Chalky.hands's picture

I definitely have the mental symptoms but seriously my heart races really fast when I mention kids to him. 

CajunMom's picture

You seriuosly need to reevaluate this so called relationship. If your SO/DH demands you be okay with being disrespected, treated horribly, etc, then you really don't have a relationship.

I haven't seen the majority of my DHs kids in SIX years....he sees them outside our marital home. I do not interact with them except a to be cordial. Had he not been okay with those boundaries set in counseling, then we would not be together. I refuse to be treated like crap in my own home. I tolerated toxic treatment way too long. You mentioned you were having your own issues with this. Is that man worth your mental health??


Chalky.hands's picture

No one is worth my mental health.

One paper it's easy. Just struggle to apply it in the real life. Don't want to lose SO because of the SKs situation. 

CajunMom's picture

I'm sorry for your situation. No judgement here. Just compassion. StepHell can be cruel. 

Rags's picture

Even if the shit spawn were gone, what about this guy is so appealing?  There has to be much deeper issues with him considering the way he treats you aside from his kids.

What are  you getting out of this other than a home and a meal?  Where is the connection, where is making a life together as equity life partners?

Take care of you.

Harry's picture

You must wxceot the fact that he doesn't parent or is a great partner to you.  What you do with that is up to you.  You cab trying disengagement. As let DH do the shopping , cooking, cleaning laundry for his kids.. His kids act like they are not there, that how you treat them. ..... make this come to a point,, do nothing, ...make exit plans.  

Chalky.hands's picture

No matter who is right or wrong SKs will always be treated way better than me. 

If I stop tolerating the mistreatment, SO will probably get really mad at me and get rid of me. 

Rags's picture

Stop that.

Get on with living your best life.  Living well is what we have to commit to ourselves. The bonus and karma element is, living well is also the best revenge. 

Enjoy living your refenge.

Take care of you.

Give rose

Winterglow's picture

How can you have any respect, let alone love, for a pathetic apology for a partner who allows his kids to treat you so shabbily?

If your relationship depends on you letting him and his kids treat you like crap then you don't have much of a relationship, do you?

It's time to set yourself free.

Chalky.hands's picture

It does sounds pretty bad. 

I'd like one day to have enough boundaries and respect for myself to tell SO without any guilt or fear "If SD won't acknowledge me still and you chose to let her get away with it, there will be not present from now on and I'm gonna ignore her right back. Also she can pay for her food and cook her own dinner when she visits and I will cook for the rest of us" 



StepUltimate's picture

You'd be right to say/do that, but you already know he'd dump you. You're in a sh*tty situation with a 100% Disney Dad who'd rather you be in ultimate disrespected Last Place eating their sh*t sandwiches instead of stepping up as a man and father to correct his rude-*ss adult kid.

You're walking on eggshells knowing you're f*cked either way. This is no way to live, and it will get even worse as time goes on. I am sorry you're in this situation - truely sorry. I encourage you to listen to the advice of Rags and others in these comments - we're all veterans of similar situations. You seem like a thoughtful, caring, intelligent lady and my heart hurts for you right now. 


Cover1W's picture

This should tell you all you need to know about your H. I am sorry for you, but you need to leave. It won't change once the skids are out of the house either...if they ever are.

CLove's picture

Consider this - your SO has been teaching his kids that its ok to be disrespectful. This will escalate.

In my case, if you read my Blogs, SD25 Feral Forger was texting her father that he wasnt a father to her, he was simply a sp@rm donor, good for money and thats it. He moved her down from 300 miles away TWICE, cleaned up the places for her, no thank yous from her. Recently gave her $400 towards rent in her new place. And then less than 2 months later, she had her hand out again for more money. We had just paid property taxes, income taxes, and new water heater. He was unable to pay her phone bill so she went off on him "you abandoned me for your whore of a wife".

Weve been together 10 years.

This is on Husband and his b!tch exwife baby momma toxic troll, he taught her disrespecting him is ok, he will still help her. Now this.

Tell SO that shunning someone in their own home is ABUSE. He is allowing his spawn to ABUSE YOU, and its on HIM, not YOU to correct them.

Meanwhile stop doing anything for these abusers. Do not chase them.

ImperfectlyPerfect's picture

CLove this is exactly the passion and fury that I felt reading this. I hope Chalky Hands reads this over 2x- this is accurate and true. 

Chalky.hands's picture

He will always expect me to treat his kids like Queens even if they disrespect me.

He says they are just kids/teenagers and apparently that's "normal".

This morning SS13 went in our bedroom while I was still in bed (but awake on my phone). Didn't acknowledge at all but picked up a dogs toy on the floor and left. 

I think it's disrespectful but wouldn't bother tell SO (who was in the kitchen when it happened). I'm pretty certain that SO would say something like"did you greet him though? " or "say hello to him, show him good behaviour, he will learn overtime".



Chalky.hands's picture

Like wide open, because of our dogs. They would scratch it if we closed it lol. 

I don't mind the kid going in the room, just want to be acknowledged maybe if he does.

I'm pretty chill and easy going. It blows my mind that it's still not enough for SKs to respect me. 

Merry's picture

He expects you to keep doing what you've always done--cater to him and his kids. Oh, and you should be grateful about it. He won't hear you because then he'd have to make changes. And that would be hard for HIM.

Please consider individual counseling so you can work through what you are feeling and why you are staying with someone who refuses to take your happiness into consideration. You need a plan to get back to who YOU are.

BanksiaRose's picture

There's a name for it: weaponised incompetence.

Stepdrama2020's picture

"but honey lowering my standards just helps SD to understand"  Wink

Then let er rip to the B. Seriously she is 19 years old and cant thank you for a gift or acknowledge you.??

You know dang well DH will never properly reprimand let alone teach the royal snot SD how to treat you. SO YOU DO IT!

She is laughing in her room cause she knows she can treat you like shit and get away with it.

Take back your house you are the QUEEN!

NoWireCoatHangarsEVER's picture

When she was a teen, she went out to dinner with my family on vacation in Orlando.  My brother said he was treating.  She ordered the steak and lobster with an extra lobster tail.  I was motified.  When we got backI later told my SO what happened and that he needed to take her to a restaurat just the two of them and give her an etiquette lesson.  Never order the most expensive thing on the menu when someone else is treating.  He yelled at me.  His answer was, "No.  How about she just never goes out to eat with you or your family again?!"  I said, "She's going to have dinner with boyfriend's parents, business associates, etc and this is something you need to cover.  She wasn't embarrassed with my family cause luckily it happened when she was with my family but what if she does this with someone else?"  

Sure enough, years pass.  My now DD9 is born.  His sister comes into town and brings another one of his sisters.  They bring several people out to eat including his daughter and his sister says its her treat and guess what SD orders?  That's right.  The steak and lobster with an extra lobster tail.  His face goes beat red at the look of horror on his sister's face cause she's clearly thinking, "Has no one taught this teenager manners?" 


All I'm saying is he's doing her no favors by not teaching her manners and how to conduct ones self in a family and polite society. One day she will embarrass herself and him with her bad behavior. 

Tiredofthebull444's picture

Funny we are all different people, coming from different places but dealing with the same crap: rudeness, fakeness, lack of acknowledgment and respect. We're suppose to suck it up and "just deal with it" because we are the adults. When these teenage skids know better. They'll make sure they acknowledges others in the room, just not you when you've done nothing but a be a supportive step parent (I could've been an evil stepmom to you but I chose to be nice for the spiteful stuff you do ,ie calling the cops on me because you couldn't get on the internet...pathetic .) They are aware they are being rude and spiteful but the biological parent never corrects the behavior or half-ass does it and pushes it under the rug. Then they expect you to bend over backwards for their dysfunctional child. It's sad to when their rude behavior is so obvious but the bio parent says nothing, like it's fine until you threaten to leave then the crap hits the fan. That's when it all gets blamed back on you. Sad smh.

Chalky.hands's picture

I know there are a lot of evil stepmoms out there and I can genuinely say I have been nothing but good to them. Always treated them with respect, care and kindness even when they have been disrespectful. 

So not sure why I'm getting such poor treatment.

MorningMia's picture

People will treat us how we allow them to treat us. If demanding respect could destroy your marriage, what does that say? Also, sometimes winning only looks like losing and vice versa. 

Rumplestiltskin's picture

That's what i was thinking. If OP leaves, she feels like BM and the skids win. But if she stays, what does OP "win?" She wins the right to be shite on in her own home by the people she devotes her life to. She wins a home with no privacy, not even in her bedroom. She wins the right to walk on eggshells knowing that if she stands up for herself to be treated with minimal decency, her husband will turn on her and leave her. That's the booby prize. The shite sandwich of the month club. 

MorningMia's picture

I remember not wanting BM and the skids to "win," so I did not react, remained outwardly quiet (but fought with DH), and dug in my heels. . . and suffered and watched my husband suffer as the attacks kept coming. What a corner I backed myself into, but it's so difficult to allow nasty, destructive people to get what they want at your expense. I get where the impulse comes from re: not letting them "win." But within 2 years I was ready to hand them the trophy (my husband--lol) along with finisher medals to wear around their necks and choke on. Magically (?), once I had enough, began speaking out and up, and put my foot down, things began to turn around. I confronted BM (for which I will eternally be "punished" by the skids...hahahhah...punished means I don't see them) and told DH we needed to separate. We then went to counseling, gained some new tools to navigate the land mines, and BM was forced to stop harassing us. Slowly, slowly, we regained our relationship/marriage. It was effing HARD and issues still lingered/came up through the years. I realized (I wrote about it elsewhere) that it was BM/skids who initiated and held tightly onto the "winning" and "losing" mentality, which meant that ultimately, they lost.  Sad for them. I hear DH talk with his kids and wish that my dad had been like him.