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Just had the biggest revelation ever! (previous post update)

just_a_girl's picture

I'm so exited that I've might have found a solution to all my concerns and disappointments in the last 6 months.
As I said in a previous post - a have an extraordinary relationship (I will not list the reasons), I'm 27, he is 40 - divorced with 2 kids.
The problem is the future: He admitted that he does not want to share a house with me and his children (lucky us that we have 2 apartments in the same building), that he does not want another marriage and that he does not want any more children.
While the first two are not that important to me, having my own baby is something that I truly want and deserve.

And now...the solution:

Today I came across an interesting website of a sperm bank from Denmark - you can choose the donor and his physical and intellectual traits.
So I said: "Ok, I can make my own baby and then if you're not ok with that, it is up to you to end the relationship". And this is my way to shift this big responsibility (of ending the relationship) to him.

I still have time to rethink this idea, as I said, I'm only 27 (I will be ready to do this at 33-34).
I feel so relieved that I got rid of the pressure of getting old without kids and investing time in this relationship.
This is my back-up plan. The future is now in my own hands! Smile

Any insight or thoughts would be greatly appreciated.

Blue Moon's picture

I just have one question: Are your sure you want to raise a child alone?

But I'm happy for you if this is a solution you're happy with.

just_a_girl's picture

I rather risk going through a divorce or raise a child alone right from birth than not having my own kids at all because I might be too old for that.

ESMOD's picture

I would also ask if you want to be a single parent.

Also, this really doesn't solve the issue of "wasted time" because if you are fairly certain he will make an exit if/when you decide to do this then why prolong the "agony"?

Why not give yourself the opportunity to be with someone who wants a genuine "all-in" relationship. This guy has clearly told you that you are only welcome to be in one part of his life... but he isn't "all in" with you.

futurobrillante99's picture

Stay in your apartment. Have a baby on YOUR terms and he can stay or he can go. Plan to be a single parent and then find a man who wants the package deal. If this guy doesn't - adios.

Ispofacto's picture

I have an idea. How about finding a childless man who wants kids and living happily ever after?

Mrs Fireball's picture

Don't plan your life to mold to someone else's preferences.

Wait a year to see how you feel.

hereiam's picture

And this is my way to shift this big responsibility (of ending the relationship) to him.

This ↑
Does not jive with this ↓

The future is now in my own hands!

This guy does not want to live with you, marry you, or raise any more kids.

You are 27 years old. Find someone who wants the same things in life that you do. That is, if you really want your future to be in your own hands.

futurobrillante99's picture

"This guy does not want to live with you, marry you, or raise any more kids."

Translation: You are his f**k buddy and shouldn't expect a future with him. To him, you are temporary and serve a purpose.

queensway's picture

There is only one way to say this, you are cheating yourself. In so many ways. You are cheating yourself into believing this guy is somehow the right one for you. When you are with someone you love and care about the relationship is give and take. This guy has nothing to give you. You want a child and he doesn't. That should be enough for you to move on. You are so young and have many more chapters in your life to live. And one of those chapters should and could be having a child with a man that loves you and wants to have a child with you. Do not cheat yourself. You will resent him if you keep living like this. Your needs matter just as much as his. Put yourself first.

ESMOD's picture

And... wants to live with her and share all of his life with her.

He has neatly compartmentalized her into permanent girlfriend/mistress territory. His kid are his priority.. GF there when he "needs" something from her.

queensway's picture

Esmod yes yes yes. The only way I could live like this would be that I knew I was never going to have a future with this man. And wanted to date many people and he could be one of them. 27 years old she should be out living it up every day.

ESMOD's picture

Yes... nothing wrong with not wanting a serious commitment. Nothing wrong with wanting to remain single.

The problem is this... generally when someone tells you that they don't want to get married or live with a someone again they mean they don't want to do that with YOU.

There are a number of people who get spun around when their EX does exactly what they said they would never do with the next person they date.

This guy just wants to skim the cream off the top of the pot. He wants the fun part of the relationship without all the icky stuff that comes along with making a home and truly sharing your life with another person.

that's fine if that is the OP's goal also... but she wants to have a child.. she wants a more traditional relationship.

By putting the decision to leave in his court.. she is just ducking the responsibility to herself that would dictate that she leave with her dignity in tact because this guy is not able to offer her what she needs in a mate.

ndc's picture

To be honest, I don't think this is a good plan. Your BF doesn't want you to live with him and his kids, doesn't want to get married and doesn't want to have kids. Having kids is important to you. What you want and what he is willing to give don't mesh. Sure, you could do a bandaid solution where you'd get the baby you want, and it may or may not cost you the relationship. But wouldn't you really rather find a man who wanted to marry and have children with you? Why sell yourself short and not get what you truly want? I know you think this man and your relationship are extraordinary and special, but I worry that as time passes you will be resentful about what you're giving up for him. And if you go ahead and have a baby with a sperm donor and your BF then decides to end the relationship, I think you're in a worse place than you would be if you left him now and found a man who shared your dreams and desires. That won't get any easier once you have a baby. I'd think long and hard about this plan.

fairyo's picture

Sorry but babies are not like commodities, easy come easy go if I can't have one with him I'll have one on my own and see how it turns out. It's the poor kid I feel sorry for in all this- what will you tell it when it's older and wants to know how it got into the world?

Iamwoman's picture

Hi JustaGirl, One of the biggest mistakes I ever made was being 27 and getting into a relationship with a man 15 years my senior (like you). He is older and wiser than you, and knows what to say to keep you around in the capacity he desires. He obviously feels comfortable enough to basically tell you that he wants you for sex and not much more, in so many words.

You deserve better. You deserve someone without baggage and unreasonable demands for someone who wants a family some day.

Being a single mom was THE hardest job ever. There is NO rest. Because single moms are CONSTANTLY tired, there is little to no joy in parenting.

Enjoy the sex and "love" with this guy, but instead of searching for a sperm donor, why not search online for a true mate and future marriage partner? He is basically saying he doesn't want commitment, so therefore you are not tied down, and are free to "roam."

Stepmom23456's picture

He’s not your only option. Single motherhood isn’t your only option. Keep your options open. You obviously want more than what you’re getting with him.

lieutenant_dad's picture

If you want someone to marry and be a father to your mutual child, your BF is not the one for you.

If the only thing you want is a kid, and you're fine with your relationship with your BF and being a single mom, stay the course.

This isn't a solution or compromise if you aren't 100% committed to the idea of your relationship not changing and being a single mother in the next 5-7 years. If you have ANY desire to marry this man, or any man, and have a father for your child, then you WILL resent your BF. You'll resent him when he leaves you with a crying baby all night. You'll resent him when he refuses to pay for your dates when you have no money after spending $40-50 for a babysitter. You'll resent him when he comes around less. You'll resent him when he doesn't take a liking to your kid.

You can't trick this man into being a dad or father-figure. He knows what he wants, and he's being clear about it. If you don't like that, too, then find someone better (or keep BF around as a FWB while you find "the one").

Acratopotes's picture

oh child.... this man made it clear to you, you are his toy nothing more, he's not planing on committing, cause in all honesty you are young, he's mid life, you are good for the image and ego, nothing more. He will dump your ass as soon as he's over the image thing for an older stable woman, mark my words, you are only there for fun.

Stop looking at sperm donations and getting pregnant and forcing him to end the relationship, put on your big girl panties and end the relationship, go and find a guy that will love and honor you and who's prepared to commit, a guy who wants kids..... Get married, have your babies and see if you can be on the stats list of married for 50 years, instead of the stat list of second younger wife to an old man....

Raising a child as a single parent is not easy... been there done that, and why would you want to get pregnant to spite this man, are you hoping he will change his mind once the baby is there, sorry girl he will not change his mind, WTF did you start dating him if you want to change him into something he's not?

TX2step's picture

Have you tried not being so convenient to this man, you said you live in the same building as him. Seems like you are a very easy booty call. You definitely can do better, and deserve better, especially for the children you plan to bring into this world. Give it some thought.

RST's picture

Why do you need to shift the responsibility of ending the relationship? Why not just end it yourself?

I see a flaw in your use a sperm bank & he's absolutely fine with it - from his point of view you have the baby you wanted & he still gets to call on you whenever he wants without any commitment to you whatsoever.

Maybe don't worry about a back up plan just get out of this situation now and try to meet someone who wants the same things you do?

marblefawn's picture

Being a single parent is an option, but not necessarily an ideal option.

Like...I love traveling and I'd go alone if that was my only option. But I'd rather share the experience with someone who loves to travel and loves me. It's just more fun and if I break my leg in Cambodia, there's someone there to prop me up.

You don't want a kid now, so why not take this time to meet someone who wants out of life what you want? If you don't find him, there's always Denmark. But raising a kid "alone" but with someone who doesn't want kids is denying yourself a joy that is pretty easily attainable...if you just get the nerve to cut the cord and make it happen.

just_a_girl's picture

Like I said, I'm not convinced that dumping this man and starting something new would be the best option.
Imagine a perfect relationship (we are having lot of fun together, 5-10 holidays/year, amazing sex life, trust and mutual respect).

The idea of another child is something that scares him (in other words: another financial and emotional commitment for over 20 years).

Peanut575's picture

There's no such thing as a perfect relationship, and it's easy to be having a lot of fun together when there's no real commitment there. He doesn't want to live with you, get married, or have another child, which means he's not overly interested in a big commitment of any kind. That said, if you're genuinely happy & on board with never sharing a home with him, never being his wife, and having your own baby without him, I say go for it.

If you're enjoying yourself I'm happy for you, but you might not feel the same way in a few years if/when you decide you want a bigger commitment & he sticks to the same story he's telling you now. Also, the dynamic will absolutely change when you decide to have your own child, and I wouldn't be surprised if he decides he doesn't want to help raise another kid, considering that's what he's telling you now. Even though it won't be his child, you having one of your own could very well end the relationship anyways, based on what you're telling us about him.

Again, you need to do what you feel is best for you, I'm just not convinced that what you've got with him is actually what you genuinely want for yourself long term. Enjoy it while it lasts, and maybe you'll prove us all wrong & things will work out for you with this guy.

blueskies4me's picture

Fertility declines after 30; your timeframe might be a bit optimistic. Anyway, I’d dump the guy if I were you.

Acratopotes's picture

pffft, I had mine at 21 and most of my friends had their babies age 38-45.....

one friend got told years ago she is sterile and never will have children, she made peace with it and well 39 first baby and 41 second baby lol...