Just flipped out on DH and SD
So I previously wrote a little about our current situation. SD11 has decided she wants to live with BM because BM supposedly got clean after years of drug use and us raising SD while she did whatever she pleased. I have fought so many time with DH about this because our home is more stable and I think SD is way too young to make such a decision.
Despite all that, I had been arranging to get SD and our BD3 together every Sunday so they could at least spend time together. The past 4 Sundays, SD has completely blown us off canceling plans at the last minute or saying she forgot (even though we had been picking her up same time every Sunday for months). She hasn’t spoke to her on the phone or anything.
Anyway, today DH randomly decides to bring SD to our house becauae we got a new dog. She can’t speak to or see her sister but she wants to come see the f%#+*%# dog! She stayed for about an hour or so then DH took her back to BM. My BD has a total breakdown when she left. She misses SD terribly and doesn’t understand what is going on. I flipped out on both DH and SD saying BD can’t have anyone in and out of her life because all it does is upset and confuse her.
Advice is welcome. Thanks for letting me vent.
At 11
No kid wants to hang out with a three year old. That’s just unrealistic. I’m a grown woman and frankly I don’t want to hang out with three year olds. They are generally germ filled terrors.
But a puppy? Who doesn’t love puppies!
Frankly your SDs reaction sounds normal to me. Your expectations seem out of whack.
Stop trying to force this bonding time. These two kids are too far apart in age, and this is too challenging a situation with a divorce, SD that isnt interested. You will only further ensure that these two kids will never get along if you keep this up.
SD should be coming over to spend time with her father. Not your 3 year old.
I disagree. I was an 11yo
I disagree. I was an 11yo with a 3 yo sister & I used to love spending time with her. Did we spend every waking minute together? No, of course not, but she was my sister & I thought she was adorable, which made me want to spend time with her.
More to the point, why is an 11yo allowed to *choose* to see her father? Why is visitation not being enforced?
You cant force a bond between siblings, I agree with you there, but you should be able to enforce visitation. This little girl is getting the run of the house at her mothers place, and we all know what happens when a kid has too much power. Spoiled, entitled, selfish little brats who don’t give a rats about how their behaviour affects anyone else.
So she doesn’t want to come over to see her dad or half sister, but is more than fine to spend time with the new dog? Give me a break. I’d be p*ssed too.
Unless she was hiding it very
Unless she was hiding it very well, it seemed like SD loved spending time with BD when she was living here. The girls were inseparable, I guess that’s why it’s so hard to see how things are changing since SD has been with BM.
As far as visitation, that’s something I’ve been arguing with DH about this entire time. I don’t agree with how this is being handled at all and think he needs to enforce SD coming to the house on the agreed upon days. He actually still has joint custody so technically she could be there every other week if he wanted. I told him she needs to be there at least every other weekend or one day each weekend. Something has to give.
The bottom line is that this
The bottom line is that this is your husband's daughter and if he doesn't care enough to enforce visitation, you should stop arguing with him about it. I agree with you that he's doing his child a disservice, and it's unfortunate for your BD also. And I realize that you have a lot invested in this child, as you helped raise her. But his child, his choice. You've made your feelings known; there's really no point in arguing about it over and over. The unfortunate reality is that your husband might wake up some day having lost his relationship with his daughter and the respect of his wife. But I don't think there's a lot you can do about it.
Well I was 12
When my mom had my sister. I didn’t enjoy just randomly spending time with her as a toddler, although I wouldn’t know what to do without her now. But we from the sounds of it were not dealing with half siblings, in a difficult situation.
I agree visitation should not be dictated by an 11 year old. But visitation is for time with her parent. Yes it would be wonderful if she enjoyed her sister, but to force a relationship between a toddler and a preteen who is already struggling with the new family situation is not helping things.
The dad should be working on his relationship with the preteen, especially her as bio mom (of the preteen) could be causing problems. Not the SM trying to force a familial relationship that isn’t happening at the moment between two children in Wildly different developmental stages.
im truly sorry you are dealing with this OP, and apologies for calling it a divorce situation. It’s difficult either way, and none of us gets a good road map to navigate any of this.
No worries, I definitely
No worries, I definitely appreciate your responses! I think I’m just hurt by the whole situation since we’ve raised her for the past 9 years and now all of a sudden she wants nothing to do with us because BM has decided she wants to be a mother. *sad*
Thanks again for your input! I am going to stop trying to force her to spend time with her sister. If she has regrets later, she will have to deal with that.
Point taken but to clarify,
Point taken but to clarify, there is no divorce situation. BM and DH were never married and I’ve been with DH since SD was 2 years old and raised her up until 6 months ago when she decided she wanted to be with her BM. So I guess I am taking things personally. And my BD is taking it very hard since she’s used to SD being here every day. I hate seeing her upset. BD is also DHs daughter so I think SD needs to be spending time with her whole family which includes her sister.
Duo post
I can understand why this
I can understand why this upsets you. I can only imagine how your 3 year old daughter must miss her sister and have to adjust to seeing her less. Your H should really enforce the Court Order, regardless if she wants to come or not. She doesn't get to decide when she "feels" like coming over. Allowing her that type of power is a recipe for disaster.
I have a 11 year old and a 4 year old
And they love each other and hang out and play minecraft
That's how these girls were
That's how these girls were
They were always together playing outside, making up dances, watching movies, going to the park, anything and everything. They would have sleepovers in the living room and build tents with sheets and chairs to sleep under. SD has a hard time making friends so she was always home with BD.
This may have a silver lining
This may have a silver lining. Sounds like SD may end up off the rails. If that ends up being the case it will be best if your daughter has limited contact with her. She of course misses her like crazy now - but if she doesn't see her anymore she will totally forget that she exists. Much easier for a 3 year old to get over someone than an older child. You don't want to end up with your daughter being a pre-teen and wanting to emulate her big sister who is up to no good.
I am 13 years older than my sister. I adored her and still do.
You are absolutely right.
You are absolutely right. Thank you for pointing this out!