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Just about ready to walk out the door

Steppedout22's picture

I hate every second that these kids are in my house. I hate myself for feeling this way. They aren't even doing anything particularly bad, it's just their presence in my house and how everything revolves around them and I can't do what I want to do my days off. I don't appreciate the residual Disneyland Dad stuff either. Even though it's better, I just don't want to deal with any of this anymore. I feel like a bad person but I am constantly annoyed when they're around. Eating up all the food. Nonstop talking. Messing with my stuff. ALL OF IT. I feel like it will never end and spend the entire week before they come obsessing and worrying by and being passed off because I have no say about anything. I hate it so much and I just don't want to live my life this way anymore. Needed to vent, thanks everyone. Not exactly sure what I'm going to do, just feeling really tired and overwhelmed and ANNOYED.

JRI's picture

How old are they?  Gender?  How many of them?

I had those dread feelings before my 3 came over, too.

Cover1W's picture

Ages are important. SS14 and SD9, right?

Have you talked with your husband? Did he agree to boundaries or not? If he continues to refuse then go. Otherwise your only options as I see them are....

So #1: messing with your stuff...personal stuff? If so then lay down the rules yourself and inform your DH of them too. If it's ignored, lock it up.

#2: you don't have to be there, right? I saved errands for those days and met up with friends. DH got his time with them and I got away.

#3: your food? Are you buying the household food for everyone? If so stop. I bought bread, veg, milk, the basics and split that with DH. HE was in charge of any specific foods for the SDs. After an $800 food tally one month that put me on the "no" answer scale.

Steppedout22's picture

38 years old? Oh lord I can't deal with them for that long. I definitely could not have my SS living in my house. That's 100% for sure. SD, maybe, but not him. That's what gets me sometimes, is thinking about how long they're going to be coming over and  if he might want one to live with us if given the chance, or they may need to live with us. I just don't think I could handle that. Or if they lived us as adults. There's just no way I could do that. It makes me feel panicky just thinking about it. I sure did talk a big game before about how nice it would be for them to be around more and that either could come and live with us anytime because I was so sure that I could handle it. Now it is one of my worst fears. I was so stupid to think it would be nice and easy because at the time I wanted kids. It just isn't like that at all. I've gotten myself into a mess I feel. If I knew we just had to deal every other weekend til they were adults and maybe periodic visits after that, then I know I could deal with it. But anything more than that makes my skin crawl. But there's no way to know if they would come live with us. And I can't ask DH to promise that that will never happen because those are his kids and he would jump at the chance to have one of them live with us. I doubt BM would let that happen until the CS runs out, which leaves us with adult children living in the house, which I am not okay with. 

Steppedout22's picture

Yeah, that's right. I don't really want to troubleshoot or problem solve at this point. Just wanted to vent. I am normally a very resilient person who is able to put up with a lot, but this situation just makes me feel like giving up. It's so against my nature, but as soon as they come over, that's how I feel. And again, they really aren't behaving badly this weekend. They're being normal kids and they have been listening and DH has been backing me up and everything is really going much better than before. I just get overwhelmed by the situation and annoyed and frustrated. I just don't like being around them and I don't like them in my house. I just want to be able to do what I want to do. I vacillate between wanting to try and wanting to give up. It doesn't even make sense all the time. I just wanted to vent my feelings and hope that it would help me move forward or feel differently. And I just feel like an asshole for feeling that way because things really are improving. I think I'm just spoiled from years of not having kids at my house and now that there are, I just don't want to deal with it. I'm also feeling some resentment because I'm having to deal with someone else's kids but I never had one of my own, and I don't even know if I would have liked having my own kid or not. It's a very confusing mix of emotions. 

Winterglow's picture

Oh gosh, there's absolutely nothing wrong with you. We are not all equpped and prepared to live with others, no matter what our situation growing up. You are you and you are the person your partner fell in love with. It's up to him to set boundaries and to make your life liveable. If he doesn't, drop him like a hot brick.

Winterglow's picture

There's nothing wrong with the way you are feeling. Going from a single life to living with other people is NOT easy. 

Do what you want with your weekend. You are a free person and your partner can deal with his kids as he pleases. You're his wife not his slave and you can spend yoiur time how the hell you want to.

Are they coming to your home? If they are, give your hsuband the house rules and if he doesn't ike them he can see his offspring elsewher.

 

Steppedout22's picture

We're still in the stage of him wanting me to be involved with them and interact with them. And he is trying and listening to me and changing, so I've been out there trying to do the same. I just don't like it at all. I suppose it's a small price to pay to do this every other weekend to make him happy but I don't feel like I have much more than that to give. 

JRI's picture

I've realized that no matter who it is, having other people living in my house is tough.  Back in the day, I felt as you do about the 3 stepkids.  Then, against all expectations, they moved in full time.  Thank God for my counselor.

But flash forward years and my Mom had to live here for a few months.  She is the quietest and least intrusive person in the world but it was still difficult for me.  Then flash forward some more and my DS58 and DIL57 are staying here about a quarter of the time due to her medical issues.  They are as considerate as possible and I love him but it's still tough.

I'm an introvert so thats what I think is the issue.  DH is an extrovert and has never had a problem.  Are you an introvert ?

 

Steppedout22's picture

Yes! I am most definitely an introvert. I feel exactly the same way. No matter who it is, it's intrusive to me. It makes me so uncomfortable. DH is the opposite. Also they are his kids, so of course ur se he wants them around. Any advice on what helped you to manage this?

JRI's picture

I dont have much advice.  My situation was a little different since I had 2 bios and it was definitely an advantage for us to be living with DH in this suburb with great schools which I wouldn't have been able to afford on my own.  

The visitation years were very tough.  Your SKs sound like good kids, my SKs were, too, but much louder and more aggressive than I was accustomed to.  Four years of it sent me to counseling where I expected to hear sympathy for poor me.  Lol.  Instead, I was encouraged to engage more in the family activities and carve out more one-on-one time with DH.  Getting more in tune with DH, treating the situation like "our family" instead of "them" seemed to help.  Im so glad I was in counseling cuz 2 months later, OSS stayed on after summer vacation and began school here.  I always liked him and just thought, " OK, I have a new son".  When SD came 4 months later after a big fight with BM, that was a different thing, same with YSS who arrived 6 months later.  My biggest surprise was that having them full time was easier than visitation.  I knew the sh+t had hit the fan the first summer of all living here full time when DH's job required him to travel 4 days a week.  That's 5 kids here all day, every day with only me here.  Lol.

This isnt a happily ever after story.  I and we made lots of mistakes.  There were times when I was so angry with DH that we slept separately.  I disengaged from YSS in his teens.  All 5 of our kids caused us grief at some point.  Again, because I had my own kids here, I had more impetus to keep going.  DH is 85 and I'm 78 now, the " kids" are in their 50s and 60s.  Frankly, I don't know if Id do it again.  But, here we are, we lived thru it and so did " the kids".  Good luck.

 

 

Steppedout22's picture

Thank you for sharing your story. I have received similar advice to engage with them more and stuff like that. Just trying to work through my feelings and decide what is best for me.

Tidd's picture

Leave him.

This is what parenting is.

 

He is a father first. His children are top priority.

 

If you didn't want to be a step parent, there's no reason to be around him or his children.

 

 

In the future don't date men with children

Steppedout22's picture

"Leave him. This is what parenting is. He is a father first. His children are top priority. If you didn't want to be a step parent, there's no reason to be around him or his children. In the future don't date men with children"

I thought that this was exactly what I wanted when we first got together. I really did. But we didn't see the kids very often in the beginning of our relationship and there really weren't any issues at that time. 
 

I'm honestly a bit tired of this response. I've heard it several times. While I understand your point, not everything is that simple. I came on this site to get support and be able to vent and when people come at me like this and act like I don't know anything and that this is my fault, it really minimizes my feelings and makes me feel like I'm a monster. Pretty sure that's what why this site exists, to give us the space to say how we feel without being judged. 
 

Again, I can understand where you're coming from, but you aren't understanding me.

grannyd's picture

Hon, we often get bitter folks who enjoy upsetting other members. I suggest that you delete the posts that serve no useful purpose. Sorry Sorry 2 that you had to read that bit of nastiness! Most of us are here to listen and to support.

Yesterdays's picture

Worded this wrong, see Anikis message, thanks. It was the message I was trying to get across about messaging 

Aniki-Moderator's picture

You can only Block people from messaging you. There is no option to Block a user from seeing your posts or commenting on them. 

If you post a Blog, you have the option to delete any unwanted comments AND/OR delete the blog.

If you post in a Forum, neither of those options is available and you must make a request to a Moderator to delete your Forum post. This is why I prefer blogs over forum. Smile

nappisan's picture

As if it were just that easy to do.   And...if you are on this forum you must be in a similar situation to OP.  Have you taken your own advice then ?

Aniki-Moderator's picture

It sounds like you've reached a point where every little thing is irritating. 

  • Lock up your things.
  • Do not buy any food prior to their visit. Let your DH do it. If you have an office or secure space, get a small refrigerator for your special items.
  • The skids are there to see their dad. Get out and do your own thing. 

You seem overwhelmed. Can you get away for a weekend by yourself? Plan a day with a lady friend or two? Even a few hours being pampered at a spa might help take the edge off. 

Steppedout22's picture

I would honestly just love some time to myself. But when I am not there engaging with them, DH gets upset. Like when I disengage in my room. I understand that their mom sucks and doesn't do what she's supposed to do, but I can't just take over that role. It doesn't work like that because I don't have the same relationship with them that their parents do. I'm just very overwhelmed and I'm having trouble dealing with this situation. 

Winterglow's picture

Then let him get upset. He needs to understand that you are his wife, not their mother. Do not allow yourself to get sucked into his fantasies of a picture-perfect blended family. You have a life too.

JRI's picture

It all boiks down to your relationship with DH.  Do you want to stay with him regardless of SKs?  How about your parents, would he tolerate them? Over a long life, we have had to put up with each other's family members.  I guesd thats life.

Steppedout22's picture

That's what I'm trying to figure out. I do love him and I am committed to our marriage, but I just get totally overwhelmed when the skids come over. I get so uncomfortable with them being there and I get upset about their behaviors and it makes me want to run away. I do want to be with him, but I have just gotten to a point where I am automatically overwhelmed just by their presence. Like I said, this weekend, there were ZERO issues (so far) and I'm still in freak out mode.

Winterglow's picture

What exactly does he expect from you? Is he trying to use you as a parent so he doesn't to step up? Think carefully about this, you have no obligations towards his kids but he does.

reedle2021's picture

I feel like perhaps you need to set some boundaries with DH.  These are not your children.  You are not obligated to spend time with them and he certainly shouldn't get upset with you when you don't want to spend time with them.  You can never love someone else's kids the way the bio parent does, it just isn't nature's way.  I'm bothered that your DH gets upset when you don't interact with them.  You are not their mother, you will never be.  Your DH needs to be setting expectations/boundaries with them and interacting with them - he is the parent.  He needs to tell them also not to mess with your things and teach them to pick up after themselves.

You're not a bad person for feeling this way.  You also deserve to have a say in what goes on in your home. 

Another thing to consider is that you love him, but he comes with baggage.  His kids are his - and will be always.  You will always have to deal with them on some level. Now it may be that they get older and launch, or, they won't launch and you're stuck dealing with them indefinitely, no end in sight.

You need to think long and hard about what YOU want and what makes YOU happy.  Consider worst case scenario for your future (skids refuse to launch) and ask yourself if you are prepared to deal with that.  You deserve better than to have to worry and be uncomfortable every weekend, to be expected to spend time with kids who aren't yours. 

Please keep us updated!  Smile

ESMOD's picture

I can get where you are coming from...I'm a bit introverted myself.. and with no kids of my own.. when I met my DH when I was in my late 30's.. it was a HUGE adjustment for me when they were there on the weekends.. they were 5 and 9.  and kids are loud.. messy.. they fib.. they can be little pot stirrers.. they can sass they can just be kids.. and that can be overwhelming to someone who isn't used to it.

In fact.. even my DH's family took getting used to because they used to have these big family get togethers with his brother and their kids.. so we would be in a small house with 5 kids.. 6 adults.. or more depending on the guest list.. and there was just so much noise and the kids were only barely in control.. haha.

But back to just the visitation weekends.. it was tough at times.. we had to drive a couple hours each way to pick them up and drop off.. so that was something I dealt with.. then they were in the house "needing stuff".. making messes etc.. 

Fortunately, we did have a bedroom for them.. and honestly.. I just kind of shut the door to the chaos in there while they were there.. as long as their chaos did not extend to the common areas.. they also did not eat in their rooms.. but they could have water if they wanted.. and it was a blessing that they had a room to play in.. and I had 4 acres so there was room for them to be outside too.. But.. sometimes it was a lot.. but since there was room in the house.. on the land.. we were not 100% on top of each other.

One thing that you need to be able to say to your DH is that while you accept and support him having his kids.. they are not your kids.. they are not there to visit with you.. and while you don't mind spending "some" time with them during their visitation, you don't think it's fair for him to expect you to plan your weekend around his kids and their presence.  And.. that he has to understand and accept that while he is used to kids.. and the extra buzz in the house.. you are NOT .. and that you NEED time to sometimes step away.. go for a walk.. go run some errands.. go for a drive.. without him.. and WITHOUT him passing judgement on you because you don't want to spend every moment in the house with his kids.  You also have to make him hear you when you say that you are not used to people getting into your things.. and while HE may not care if his kids ruin his stuff.. or misplace it.. YOU do care.. and you care whether it is a straw.. or whether it is an heirloom from your mother!  So, you expect him to be the one to ensure his kids are under control.. it is HIS job as a parent to do that.. and to not just brush it off and tell you it shouldn't matter to you..   

He needs to understand that this does not mean you hate his kids but that you just need a break sometimes.. from all of it.. and if he happily allows it.. you will likely need fewer breaks over time.. but that it will take you time to get accustomed to the hubbub in the house.. 

Right now, he is not being a good partner to you.  He isn't being supportive and understanding of the fact that you find having extra people and kids around.. overwhelming.. it is not the same as hating his kids.. it is just that you are not used to having the "instant" family when you have never been around kids like this and it takes getting used to.. and he should accept that the kids are there to see him.. not you.  He should also respect your boundaries for your posessions.. it isn't his place to tell you what matters and what doesn't.

Now.. on the flip side.. it's hard to live in a museum where kids can't make a peep.. not seen.. not heard.. and there have to be ready alternatives to things like special straws etc.. your part is to let him know the boundaries.. his job is to teach his kids to respect them.

Rumplestiltskin's picture

You mention that your skids' chaos was limited to their room and didn't spill over into the common areas. These days, that aspect is almost always missing. Society is so child-centric that people consider it abuse to make a kid play in their room as opposed to the kitchen or the living room. And to suggest they play outside would probably get CPS called on you. Most houses' living rooms are basically the kids' playroom and video game room. Even if the kids have a TV or computer of their own, they commandeer the common areas for their toys and games. It really adds an element of crap to a crappy situation. If skids could play in their rooms or outside, amd entertain themselves, it would be a whole lot easier on parents, both bio and step. There's this idea that parents should be providing constant attention and entertainment to kids, and it's exhausting, especially to stepparents. 

ESMOD's picture

When I first met my DH I owned a 3 bedroom home that also had an office and another "craft room" so I made the girls share the biggest room as their bedroom.. and gave them the craft room as a play room.  We had their own TV and dvd player and games etc.. in their space.  I'm not saying they never were in the living room.. but they had two spaces in the home.. just for them.. so we encouraged that.. and my OSD was kind of introverted.. so she preferred to be in her own space with her sister.  We also had a barn on our land.. and i had horses.. and chickens.. goats.. so the girls had a lot of space outside.. we bought them a big wood playset too.. and my DH is an outdoors kind of guy.. so his girls were used to doing stuff outside and were old enough to know to stay on our land.  It was good.. and I'm not going to say that sometimes I went in my office to hide.. lol.. I was NOT used to kids at all when I met him.  And.. they were allowed to bring things out of their room.. but it had to leave with them.. no leaving stuff laying around.  I don't know how it worked.. but it did.. I guess we both just were there monitoring and reminding them.. in a "no nonsense.. but non-scolding way.. just.  "girls.. don't forget to take the game back to your room".. and for whatever reason.. they just did what I or he asked. (mom called me to ask how we got them to do what they were told..I have no idea other than we didn't make it seem like an option..lol).

and.. we were def not child centric people.. and my DH was never child centric before me.. his kids fit in his life.. not vice versa.. so when we wanted to go do things.. the girls were just piled in the back of the car and went... 

I guess I won the DH lottery.. because he wasn't child centric.. didn't operate out of guilt very often.. thought wasting money on things was 'stupid"... so the girls were not spoiled with things all the time.. but we took them nice places.. bought them nice meals.. took them fun places too.. festivals.. hiking.. and since I wasn't used to being a parent.. I basically just channeled my parent's style.. when I had to.. and made my DH do that heavy lifting.. by just stepping him back and letting him do it.. for better or worse.

Rumplestiltskin's picture

And i bet your skids were just as happy if not happier than the ones whose parents exhaust themselves trying to entertain them. 

ESMOD's picture

I think they grew up more well adjusted.. they didn't have that expectation that life revolved around them... so they became better people I think.. 

Rumplestiltskin's picture

ETA even the master bedroom isn't safe for a lot of stepparents. My SO was all "I don't want the kids to think there are places in the house they aren't welcome in! They'll feel like it isn't THEIR house!" After the second time of his son seeing me naked i told him either he makes his son feel less welcome in the master bedroom/bath, or i'm never taking my clothes off over there again. I think a lot of these divorced dads feel like if they and their partner aren't an absolute martyr to keeping the skids happy, the BM "wins." 

Russell1981's picture

As an Introvert, I completely understand where you are at and this is something my wife had to understand about me rather than getting upset.

I loved my stepdaughters but now that they are out of the house I feel as if I have escaped prison. If I want to come home after a long day of work and crack open a cold one I can. I need that moment. I need to be able to get by myself, decompress, and even verbally process through my day and even plan for the next day. I become energized by isolating myself and getting some quiet time.

My wife did not understand this and thought I hated the kids. I had to help her understand the different personality types. She is an extrovert and loves being around many people. While I can have fun doing that it will physically exhaust me.

I don't think you hate these kids from what I am hearing you say, but it seems as if you need to get your husband to understand your personality and how physically draining it is for you. That way he will understand and not take offense to it.

It really took some time with my wife and she still doesn't understand all the time just like I don't understand why she finds it necessary to have 25 people over all the time. This personality difference is compounded by stepkids and it is no fault of their own. They didn't ask me to marry them.

Kloewent's picture

I think you are stuck in the expectation that women should love all kids. I don't think men have that expectation put on them nearly as much. If a step father said the things you have, society would be fine with it. Oh that poor guy, having to put up with someone else's kids after working all day! You may never really love those kids and it is ok. I have been dealing with one for 40+ years and I still don't. So do what is right for you. You will never win this game with your husband. He wants you to love his kids like he does and odds are you never will. I think you will have a better relationship with them if you can be with them on your own terms, not his.