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Jealous of BM's having this title (yes plural)

Failing Optimist's picture

Hi everyone,

Wondering if anyone has ever felt this way or am I completely mad....Also ways to possibly cope with the situation would be very much appreciated! My DH has two BMs. While I get on well with the children involved, I ache because I don't have children of my own. I'm relatively young (in my early 30s) and wish this was my time. However, due to some fertility issues I have, I feel this will never happen for me. In the mean time, while I don't deal with BM's, I think (obsess) about them constantly, look at pics on FB, and think how much I hate them for being able to call themselves my DH's baby's mother's when I don't think I will ever have that title...He's such a great man and he tries to reassure me that we will have children of our own one day but I just can't help but feel this way....am I alone???

Maroma1984's picture

How long have you two been trying?

It took my DH and I over a year for our daughter. We were going to have our second but it ended in a miscarriage. We still haven't told SD11 and BM. I'm sure they'll have a good laugh about it since BM thought we were having too many kids. Cuz two kids is just insane.

Don't give up hope. It's such a hard thing to have happen when you are trying! Thankfully you've got a supportive man on your side Smile

I did resent the BM and SD11 while we were trying. Mainly because BM made it clear she had given my DH something I hadn't. She made a huge deal about the gender because she didn't want me to give my DH a son because she couldn't. Sadly , even having a girl I gave he something she never could. A child born into a loving family of two parents that wanted her and wanted to be together.

Orange County Ca's picture

I'd be leary of becoming bio-mother III. Step-mother IV will include you on her list of BM's to hate.

There must be millions of childless men out there around your age who have post-poned having a family because of school and career and are now ready to get started. Go and find one.

hereiam's picture

First of all, stop looking at pics on FB if it pisses you off.

Wanting to have children is one thing, but thinking of it as title and hating someone else because they have had a child is another.
So, they had kids with your DH, who cares? He is not still with them. It didn't make him love them or stay with them. You are making yourself miserable by obsessing over them.

My husband loves his daughters but their mothers mean nothing to him. Now that the daughters are adults, he doesn't even speak to the mothers and didn't speak to them much before. The BMs are nothing special to him and he does not feel any kind of bond to them just because they birthed his children. And he has told them that.

Don't put so much pressure on yourself. Enjoy your husband and the life & love you share.

Maroma1984's picture

I will say to this that any of the drama that the BM creates is only to try and make my marriage miserable. My husband always tells me when I let something upset me "Why do you let it bother you when I don't even care about her or anything she thinks or says?"

It gives them power when you let them make you unhappy Sad

Disneyfan's picture

Only ghetto and trailer park moms call themselves as a man's baby momma. It's an insult, not something to wear as a badge of honor.

I have a son. DF has 1 son and 3 daughters. We have been TTC but I'm having secondary infertility issues. The fact that he has had kids with other women doesn't bother me because I refuse to allow it to. IF we have a child together, it will be special to both of us.

He never attended birthing classes. He was only in the delivery room for one birth. This will be the first time he can purchase baby stuff based on the parents want/like and not just worry about price first. There will be so many things that will be different
from what he has experienced with the others.

Maroma1984's picture

It was the same with my DH. He didn't even go to his first daughter's birth. He cared for the BM that little.