Ive been talking to a psychologist
Ive been talking to the psychologist for a few weeks. I told dh about it and he's entirely mopey, acting as though I'm going to leave him because sd is terrible. I told him that me talking ro the psychologist should give him hope that im fling everything to STAY. He says "everyone has a breaking point" and he's right, they do. If things don't change I'll probably leave... but that's not what I'm TRYING to do. Im TRYING to stay. And that's what I'm focusing on.
On another note... the counselor wants men dh, bm, and step dad to all sit down and talk about what's going on. About how sd feels, about how sd is going from our house to bm's and lies about me to bm, which in turn makes BM send aweful texts bad mouthing me to DH. I think it may be a good idea, DH thinks it isn't because BM is an awful person, it will just turn into a fight, and nothing will be solved.
What is yalls thoughts? Im having terrible anxiety over the whole thing
A perfect opportunity to nail
A perfect opportunity to nail BM to the wall by her lying manipulative lips in front of her DH and the therapist.
Go for it!
And have fun!
Certainly not a good idea
Certainly not a good idea unless there is a mediator of some sort - is the counsellor volunteering to do this? It's not clear from what you said. Personally, I wouldn't have agreed to such a thing with the three witches (NPD BM and the SDs) because they are all so high conflict and it would have just been a point scoring exercise for them, not a way to try and resolve things. Such meetings can usually only have positive outcomes if all attending really want to improve the situation and go into it with good intentions. If you don't believe this is the case, I wouldn't consider it.
Agree with Kes
No way would I do a sit down with The BM here to talk about anyone's fee-fees. Disengage!
Group sessions with high conflict people do not end well.
I wouldn't do this because no
I wouldn't do this because no good will come of it and it could also seriously aggravate the situation. Your psychologist is seriously naive about stepfamilies ... Don't do it.
No, do NOT do it. If BM were
No, do NOT do it. If BM were a reasonable person, she would realize that her kid is not an angel who always tells the truth, and wouldn't turn around and light into DH about it - at most, if she was concerned about how you treat SD, she'd express her concerns in a way that wasn't so hurtful and conflict-inducing.
And find a new therapist, this one does not understand stepfamilies or toxic exes.
Thank you everyone for your
Thank you everyone for your responses!
1. No the counselor did not volunteer to mediate the meeting between us and BM
2. I feel very naive (even though i should know better) about what this meeting would bring.
3. BM is high conflict, as is SD and this would turn into a point scoring game for them.
4. The counselor must not be very well versed in blended families and toxic ex's.... even though she claims she is (due to being a step child and having other step parent/ child clients)
These are all very likely true! Thank you all for helping me open my eyes a little more. This is why i love yall
She might be the child of a
She might be the child of a normal stepfamily, ie, one where BM calls and says, "Hey, our daughter said that Someelse did XYZ, I'm not sure I really believe her, but wanted to pass it along ..."
Not a high conflict stepfamily, where BM texts and says, "MY sweet angel told me that your bitching whore of a wife beats her with 2x4s EVERY DAY!!"
The first type, yep, maybe everyone sits down and talks. The second type? Nope. In that type, DH tells BM to zip it and stop trash-talking his wife immediately.
Right, i wish DH would just
Right, i wish DH would just tell her this! Instead he tries to "keep the peice" and tells her, "we'll be more careful"
In my view, no good can come
In my view, no good can come from sitting down to a counseling session with a HCBM. It sounds like she is already committed to believing what your SD says, no matter how outrageous it seems and maybe even adding to them herself.
In my experience - and it seems in the experience of many others on this site - many BMs view themselves as the "victim" and therefore use counseling as a way to tell others they are the problem, not BM or Skids.
Counseling only works to resolve issues if everyone at the appointment is willing to listen and change.
So you're seeing a therapist,
So you're seeing a therapist, and instead of your DH taking this to mean that he should get off his arse and fix things he has the ability to fix, he's moping and poo-pooing the ideas coming out to fix things?
To be clear, I don't agree with your therapist. However, it seems that the only people trying to fix you and how you feel in this situation are them and you.
What are your DH's thoughts on seeing his own therapist? Or doing any work other than moping and being a Debbie Downer about the situation? Perhaps he needs to be told that him reacting so negatively is only going to push you further away, and if that is going to be his only recourse, then the marriage will end because of HIS actions.
The BM in my case is not a
The BM in my case is not a HCBM. But even so, I have refused to meet with her and a counselor and anyone else unless it's under specific circumstances. DH hired an excellent counsellor a couple years ago to work with OSD when she was being PAS'd. The first step was for the parents to meet with her together then separately. DH had asked me to go to the first session - H*ll no, said I. First meeting is for PARENTS and I am not one.
So DH and BM met with her together, counselor was as first surprised I wasn't there then i think quickly understood why. From what I understand she called out both DH and BM for their behavior. DH had a follow up appointment and calls with her and so did BM. However, OSD never, ever talked with counselor in any way.
I told DH I would only meet with the counselor one on one at first and then maybe with them as a group, but never, ever go in cold with the "base family."
*I have spoken with DH's personal counselor and that's fine. It helps him.