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It's my husband - not my stepdaughter - that's the problem!

TGM's picture

This is my first post on a forum like this...so bear with me. Here's the issue: I have never wanted children. I don't think I have a maternal bone in my body. But I fell head over heels for my husband, who at the time was a divorced father with residential custody of his then-four-year-old girl. She is eight years old now, and she splits her time between our house and her Mom's (who I get along with). The problem is, I feel very emotionally disconnected to my stepdaughter, even though she's a great kid who has never caused any problems, doesn't throw tantrums, etc. I feel a certain level of anxiety on the days she's at our house, and I feel more like a babysitter than a parent. I just don't connect on that level. I feel we have a decent relationship, and I know she loves me, but we are not touchy-feely or affectionate. This drives me husband nuts. He criticizes me for not being more hands-on with his kid, for not wanting to spend more time with her, and for what he says are obvious signs of annoyance when she is around. This has lead to many, many fights between he and I. I honestly do try to connect with SD, but it's not natural for me. However my husband seems to overlook my attempts to be more hands-on and motherly, and instead reacts to those instances when I am not interested in playing "house" with him and my SD. I have recently started to see a therapist to try to sort through my own issues when it comes to communicating with people in general.... but it would be nice to know that there are other women that have this issue!

misscinna's picture

Don't worry, I too have the affection issue. I am a stay at home stepmom of FOUR kids. LOL. Youngest is 4 the oldest is 15. I am just not made that way (affectionate). My FDH understands and says sometimes he feels that way as well. More so for me though. I believe its just how you are raised or the type of person you are - no more than you can control being blonde or brunette!

asheeha's picture

you are completely normal, we all go through this.

a book that is highly touted on this site is "Step monster" by Wednesday Martin, I haven't read it but it will probably help you to understand your feelings. Many of the posters suggest having your DH read it too.

I think all men want the new women in their life to step into the mom role. It's normal that they feel that way, however, you aren't the child's mom and that's just not something that you can do. Sometimes asking him if another man could be you SDs dad simply because he married her mother sometimes helps them to see the boundary.

It sounds like you have a pretty good situation and your DH needs to have a better understanding of how the step-family dynamics work. He is the glue that holds this family together and if you aren't working as a team then it's going to be harder than it has to be.

I suggest a book titled, "The Smart Step-family," by Ron Deal, but it comes at things from a Christian perspective, if that doesn't offend you I think it is a great book for both you and your husband to read. Another one you can read is "The Smart Step-mom."

It's a great resource, you aren't alone and what you are feeling is something we all feel, I think. I made my DH read the book while we were dating and it has helped him see things from my perspective in a lot of ways. His parents are still married and he's not very familiar with how the step-family relationships develop.

It sounds like you are headed in the right direction! It's completely ok and natural for your relationship with his child to develop in a different way (i.e. more babysitter than touchy feely mom).

hopes this helps a little.

asheeha's picture

I also want to add that there is no cookie cutter model that works. This is how the step-mom should interact with the child by this or that time! Just like there is no cookie cutter marriage, or relationship. This is a relationship that has to develop naturally and that is determined by both you and your SD, not your DH.

I'm annoyed with my skids all the time, I step out, go shopping, or do a craft by myself. This is perfectly ok and not a rejection of him or his child, it's just you meeting your needs.

imjustthemaid's picture

I am not affectionate with my SD but she is 15. I have no love for this child who has been so mean to me over the last 5 years. But I do have 2 other kids that are my world. I know there is nothing wrong with me because I was married before and had a SD that was 6 at the time and I loved her like she was my own. To this day (she is now 16)we are very close, I talk to her all the time and she comes to spend weekends with us alot (she is half sister to my daughter who is 10) and I was able to love her. But my SD now is weird and awkward and I am not a fan. I have a hard time even looking at her when I talk to her. Everybody is different and he needs to see that.
I spend most of my time hiding in my room when SD is here and she lives with us full time.

TGM's picture

Thank you! Asheeh I will look into the books you suggested. Just having a place like this to vent is fantastic. Wish I would've found this sooner.

duct_tape's picture

Sounds like you're starting to get performance anxiety, seriously. If he expects you to "perform" in a particular manner when she's around, it's going to make things even worse. You're right, he's the damn problem. Tell him that the more he pressures you to be a certain way, the worse it will be.

You may also want to spend completely seperate time with her and him. When she's there, go somewhere while he spends time with her one on one. Then come back and take her far away from him. It's none of his business if you hug and kiss her all day. Be yourself. With him unable to judge your every move, you will relax and be yourself. You may find that you like her alot more than her controlling father. Eventually, it will work out.