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It's been a tough 2 weeks

Edie's picture

I don't even know where to start but l i guess i will go with the fact i have a knot in my stomach that has got worse as time has gone on. I used to only get it on a Friday when my partners daughter was due to come and it would ease over the weekend. Now the weekend when she is here has me on edge because i know me and my partner will fall out during her stay at some point. If not while she is here then after she goes home and the hostility will stay for days. When we are just getting back to normal again it is time for her to come again and so it begins again. My partners daughter is 8, her mum has gone above and beyond to make our life hell. I have moments when i get on well with my partners daughter but she can be very sulky and complains of tummyaches when she doesn't want to do something. Once she has gotten out of it she is leaping about all over the place again. If i put a meal in front of her that she is unsure of she rubs her eyes and instantly cries before even trying it.(there is no build up to these tears) Complains of tummy ache and if we say she need to try it she says she wants mummy. My partners reaction to this is to try and diffuse by pandering to it. I have two older children and one was a fussy eater and i think she needs to miss dessert and has learnt that this baby act gets her out of stuff. It causes so many arguments between me and my partner as he wants to protect her. He gets very defensive and takes her off away from the family and it leaves me feeling i'm the enemy. He emphasises that she is his daughter and not ours when we fall out and it really hurts. This week has been awful after another meltdown because i offered her a meal she had eaten a few weeks before, he took her home becuase she wanted mummy. I told him she has worked out how to get her way. He said he thought it was awful that i gave her no warning about what was for tea! I had even baked chocolate cruch and chocolate custard becuase she has asked for it for dessert. Anyway, he felt i was in the wrong and said he was leaving. He was back a few hours later, then left again the next day, then back again. Now he is home and wanting to working things out. I'm dreading his daughter coming again at the weekend. It's her birthday and i was going to bake her a heart shaped cake which she asked for and make a birthday tea and now i just feel like shit. I had no bad feeling about her and she has been in my life for 3 years but i feel my partner emphasises the divide when we fall out. He has planned to see her this saturday too. I didn't know anything about it and it looks like it doesn't involve us. At the begining of lock down we didn't see her for weeks and we had no fallouts and we felt like a family. When she is with her mum during the week he acts like we are his family. She interupts me when i'm talking about stuff and says "i know what we can talk about now". and her behaviour is very hyperactive, she talks constantly over people and if we are sitting quietly she will talk loadly discribing every detail of a game she is playing on her tablet, if we ask her to stop she hums. My partner just calls her a little character and a chatterbox and laughs it off. I think it is intentional as she also does it when my daughter is trying to talk. She also says things that inflate her ego such as "because im so clever" or Because i'm lovely and blatently says she is a mischief maker. I find it difficult to deal with as i feel unsure if this is normal behaviour. She comes out with stuff in the way that an adult does sometimes. I started to think maybe she cant help it and something more is going on but her school report came back perfect, no tummyaches, crying, or interupting there! Anyway, i know i'm rambling but really needed to get this all of my chest. I have litteraly gone above and beyond to bond and i treat her like one of my own but i'm starting to feel tired of the whole thing.

JRI's picture

I'm sorry you are going through all this.  How old is your SD?  If you will read around on this site, you will see many posts like yours where there's an over-indulged child with a guilty, "Disney Daddy".  The problem starts with your partner.  The folks on this site are much more eloquent than I am so search "Disney" on here to understand this issue.  If your partner wont make any changes and you decide to stay, when search "disengage'.  Good luck.

Edie's picture

Thank you for your advice JRI. She is 8. I feel so bad for having these negative feelings.

CLove's picture

OP - you have a SO problem, more so than a SD problem, but it is probably easier to deal with it being the SD.

Youd should really have a deep (SD free) heart to heart talk with your partner. Your getting stressed out because he treats his daughter like a snowflake that will melt under the harshness of real life. He allows SD to control and have power over everything in your household. There are no repercussions for bad behavior, and she has shown that she knows the difference between bad behavior and good. 

That being said, you KNOW its your partner that is the problem. Adress it with him. Make it about the fact that you want him to be the best father he can and you want to blend as best as everyone can, but that getting emotional and pulling away is preventing that. Also, note to him that him treating the SD like an adult and giving her that power is doing 2 things: it is fracturing your ability to be her Stepparent and it is going to create a situation later down the line where taking it back will create much trauma and drama for everyone.

Edie's picture

Hi CLove, you are right i do know deep down that he is causing the divide. I just dont understand why he does it. It almost feels that everytime i am even slightly firm and ask her to say thank you if i give her something, he will go into hate mode towards me. Like i am wicked to his child. I treat her exactly like my own. My children would have to say please and thank you and i would openly ask them if they have forgotten something if they don't. When my children were young i would completly ignore temper tantrums and make the apologise if they had upset someone or been naughty. They would be given time outs and lose out on things such as playing video games or going out for treats. I see this as parenting. As a mum they wont always like me but both my children have turned out to be balanced, and good natured and they respect me. We now laugh about the tough times and are very close. I can't build this sort of bond with my step daughter if she is nurtured out ouf bad behaviour by he dad. He even gives her the excuse for her behaviour, saying to her "i dont think you meant it" or "are you missing mummy" if she cries because she can't pedal her bike or gets frustrated she has lost in a game. In fact she wont play comepetitve games if she thinks its something that she may not be able to win at. She will say can we play it so we dont compete. It is ridiculous. I always played competitively with my children becuase they need to learn to lose and be ok with it and to praise the other person for doing well. I think i will try and talk to my partner before she next comes but i dont think it will go well. 

bmartinez's picture

I understand how you feel, but it really is about DH (Dear Husband). The child is only going to do what she is allowed to do. And he has made the decision to have another baby with you. So now his 2 children need to share a room and then the other one needs to be the new baby's place to sleep. Sorry harsh reality for him and if hes not willing to compromise on that or build another room then quite frankly this is just the tip of the iceberg. You will always feel like you and your baby will be second best. We only as mothers and partners allow as much as they want from us. As soon as you put your foot down then things might change for you. 

Edie's picture

Thanks for your response. The daughter i have is from my my previous marriage. My partner and i don't have any children together biologically. I think this makes it more painful as i feel i am too old for more children and would have loved to have one with him. 

Dogmom1321's picture

This is a DH problem. He doesn't like how you treat/talk to her? Fine. He can do all of the caretaking then.

I would tell DH, "You are right. She is YOUR daughter, not OURS like you said, and she will be your responsibility *solely* from now on. I will gladly let you handle her meals and chores. I will keeping my parenting focus on ________."

Now you can no longer be blamed. I had to do basically the same with my DH. His rose colored glasses came off when HE had to be the one dealing with SD10 toxic behavior. 

Rags's picture

The solution to this crap with this pathetic 8yo is obvious.  Tummy aches don't get her out of anything.  She can carry around a puke bucket but if she is not hurling her guts out... she gets to do exactly what she is told when she is told to do it.

Missing mommy will not be allowed to be vocalized and will result in her getting out of absolutely nothing. In fact, if she plays that card she can immediately start on a chore or go stand with her nose in an isolated corner until told to move from that corner.

She eats what is served.... or she eats nothing until the next meal. That means no snacks, no desert, no nothing until the next meal.  If she does it twice, that means she eats nothing for 16 or so hours.

Tolerate none of this crap and confront every bit of it. If DH wants to mitigate consequences for her manipulative crap, they can both leave and not return.

Better yet, he has already left and now returned. Just boot his ass and tell him to go live with his daughter's mommy and to stay the hell out of your life.  This will never end. When she is 18 it will be intolerable, when she is 28 it will be insane, when she is 38 it will be so misery inducing that you will want to do bong hits off of the tail pipe of your car, when she is 48 it will be amplified infinitely by the inclusion of her own toxic pathetic spawn.

Is this what you want your life to be?  The root cause is your idiot pathetic non man toxic spawn catering BF.  End it. Now. For your own good.

He has played the walking out card, so play the re-key the locks card and leave him, his failed family genetic refuse and their crap on the curb. Most importantly, don't feel bad about it. Not even a little bit.

Enjoy your life.

Good luck.

 

StepUltimate's picture

...when she is 38 it will be so misery inducing that you will want to do bong hits off of the tail pipe of your car...

LOL Rags. Excellent turn of phrase to describe the misery. Biggrin

Edie's picture

Thanks for all your responses. I have decided to disengage. After a discussion where he said it was not my place to talk about SD behaviour and a long conversation wiht my sister, i came to the conclusion that, It is not my place to be responsible for anything else then. No more bathing, cooking, making her bed and washing her clothes. I can't be in the role of a parent and then when behaviour issues come in it isn't my place. I think it only tells SD that I have no final say so she doesn't have to rspect me. As soon as i said to my partner that if he thinks it's not my place then i wont be playing that role anymore he denied saying it and said it was all in my head and then back tracked and said it would be better if i did have that role. No thank you. I'm not going back in the firing line again. Today was the first day of disengagement and i spent it painting with my daughter and we ate lunch together and i didnt have to put up with any drama. Partner made his daughters lunch and she complained she wasnt hungry, i completely ignored it. Happy days!

hereiam's picture

he denied saying it and said it was all in my head

Ha! He was trying to gaslight you, good for you for shutting that down.

You are doing the right thing by disengaging. Let him deal with the brat he has created.

 

 

Edie's picture

Thanks hereiam, I have had a lot of stuff i'm now thinking may come under the gaslighting bracket. I hadn't come across that term until this relationship. Probably sounds naive. Lots of contrary opinions that force me to explain myself, then when i feel i'm being pressured and picked at and express i am upset apparently i approached it wrong or i chose a bad time to do something, or i'm being irrational, oversensitive, crazy. Arguments lose the initial cause and become about me being the issue. How i 'always' do this or that. I'm feeling quite worn down by it now and find myself spending more time doing my own thing to avoid conversation and because i feel i can't go back to being normal again so easiy now. Today was a good day i think. Being able to feel more in control and set a boundary. 

Harry's picture

You have a SO problem, He keeps taking the easy road, with SD and you.  Let him do all the care.  Remember do not babysitter SD.  He has to make arrangements for emergency's. Where he cannot take SD with  him.  He should set that up now.