It's been 7 weeks
SD hasn't been with us for 7 weeks, DH has seen her on two occassions when she needed something, one time being her medication being picked up and brought to her while BM was working late and the other because DH brought her an old AC from our home for her to use, only after she left a nasty message becasue he didn't pick up his phone the first time she called.
I am feeling a little guilty and I most likely shouldn't be. I don't talk about her, I don't try to pretend there will be future plans or that she will be in our home again anytime soon. I feel bad because I am sure DH may actually want to talk about her sometimes but I have made it clear that I cannot handle any drama related to her at this time. Things are quiet because a) she has been allowed to stay at her mothers and not made to come to our home b) she has no rules at her mothers c) she isn't currently in school and starts a special summer program next week at the Therapy School and I am certain that is when shit will hit the fan again. So in the mean time I act like she doesn't exist half the time and it is getting easier. I am not encouraging DH to "fix" his realtionship with his daughter but there isn't anything he could do unless he wants to become a Disney Dad because his entitled, asshole almost 14 year old doesn't give a shit about anything unless she is gaining something from the encounter. I am not trying to reach out to her in order to get her to "understand her father". I have stopped doing all the things I was doing for so long to try to "manage their relationship"
So now she is with BM for who knows, maybe the rest of her teen years or maybe a month. She doesn't seem to want to build a relationship with DH and that makes me sad because it makes him so sad. He is not perfect but he is a damn good father. I am sure more PAS is happening the longer she is in BM's home.
I do worry that if she comes back into our home anytime soon I won't be able to be nice to her, I worry that I have hit the wall of putting up with her shit and she would quickly see that. But right now, we have a big home that is fairly empty but for once less stressful.
When my SS was alienated (for
When my SS was alienated (for 3 years), life was much less stressful. Yes, DH missed him, but the toxic drama and stress were gone, and we gradually just got healthier and thrived, physically and mentally. Our life became great.
I worried a lot too about if/when SS would come back, and when he did at 18, it was nerve-wracking at first. But DH and I have kept our happy, drama-free lives and while SS is welcome, he is not welcome to bring his drama to us. He's a troubled kid and DH at first started trying to guide him, etc, and now just focuses on building a relationship with him, but keeping boundaries. SS is 19 now and nowhere close to figuring out his mother.
The best part is that DH did not let the alienation break him, so he is a healthier person than he was when SS was younger and we were caught up in the crazy drama. Since SS only has one healthy parent (DH), it's great for him too that DH didn't let this drag him down.
Just focus on being as healthy and happy as you can, keep the door open for SD, but don't wait beside it.
DH has voiced to me on a
DH has voiced to me on a couple occassions that he has less stress and is happier but I know he misses seeing his daughter, I know it sort of makes him feel like a failure but one thing he said to me a couple months back was "The rest of my life is good, I have a wonderful woman, a nice home, a good stable job, my health...I cannot let the one thing wrong in life (his relationship with his daughter) distract me from the rest."
Yes,this is a good attitude.
Yes,this is a good attitude. But he shouldn't feel like a failure. My DH hung onto believing (rightly) that he was a victim of parental alienation by his ex-wife, and not the cause of his son's estrangement.
Your DH needs to be sad and grieve, but not wallow in misery and feel like his life has no meaning because his daughter won't speak to him. And - she will be back. Most alienated kids do come back at some point.
My DH would go through periods of sadness and worry about SS, which is normal, and then he'd snap out of it and get on with life. We really came to enjoy being able to travel without BM drama, no weekend visitation drama, it was great.
I am feeling a little guilty
I am feeling a little guilty and I most likely shouldn't be. I don't talk about her, I don't try to pretend there will be future plans or that she will be in our home again anytime soon.
Don't feel guilty, you did the best you could by your H and for SD. Don't feed into this emotion because you don't talk about her. You are taking care of yourself and your sanity which come 1st. Look at her staying with her mother as a blessing. Imagine her toxicity back in your home, you would be stressed with all the drama her and the BM bring. Your H is a wise man to think of all the good he has in his life and should ALWAYS focus on the positives.
I am not encouraging DH to "fix" his relationship with his daughter
You encouraging for H to "fix" their relationship is not for you to do. He has to do this on his own and whether it happens or not is beyond your control. Just take of you and have a clear conscience that you did the best you could.