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Is it wrong to think this way?

dawnmblack's picture

I need advice please.My bf has and 8year old daughter, he is not listed on her birth certificate and therefore has no rights but he does give the mom chid support and keeps her 8 days per month. Not because he has too but because he thinks it's the right thing to do.
My kids live with us and are 3 and 7. Last year my bf and I took a drive down the coast of maine and through New Hampshire. This year my kids want to come too. It's a big deal to go to another country as we live in Canada, LOL. Anyway I mentioned this to my bf and he will not take my kids. The whole reason is that his daughter can't cross the border with us, as he is not legally her dad. I really think we should go anyway. I told my bf that my kids would have fun and why should they pay for his stupid decisions he made in life. He says no way will we go anywhere with SD. So? What do you think? Is this a silly thing to ask him to go without her?

Anonymous's picture

I would not consider that child his until paternity is established and his name is on the BC. That should have been done long ago, so what is going on with that? Also, how about explaining that you'll be going with your kids and if he refuses then how about finding a different bf or someone that wants a more stable future. Actually I think you should state it that way to him, so he can see where your comming from. With young children I would not waste time with someone that won't change, or continues to let their mistakes wreck your future. Go and have fun with your children.

holeekrap789's picture

I can understand his side of it but it is totally unfair to your kids. Try to point out to him that if your SD's mom wanted to take her for a trip she could/ why can't you take yours?
You could also talk to the BM about getting written permission.
I live in Buffalo and have made many trips across the border with my kids and their friends for a trip to the beach.
Customs allowed it with a birth certificate,written permission, and contact info for the birth parent.
If nothing else call customs and ask them how you can take SD on the trip with you.
As a last resort ask your husband to compromise...he allows you to take your children on this trip and then the two of you will plan a trip that he and his daughter want either with or without your kids so she feels special too.
Good luck....this is a hard one.
Lisa Dawn

sweetthing's picture

with the fathers that don't think any fun should happen w/o their kids being there. Hello.... I am assuming that these children are not locked up in a dungeon when it is their mothers weekend, so why should your children or bio children resulting from that union not have fun activities happen w/o the steps.

With DH & I we try to have a least 1 weekend a month with the kids where we have some fun activity planned & one where we hang closer to home. With our son being born this summer I have asked him how he plans on handling our weekend w/o my step sons as far as child related fun is concerened. ( I have to admit as good as DH is I was afraid that there may be some guilt associated with this) He said that we are still going to do fun things when just our child is with us, that on weekend when my ss's are with their mother that our child should not just have to sit around & do nothing. He also said that he plans on being able to do just special things alone with our child.
I think that not being able to do things when the steps are not with you will only breed resentment with the other children.

Anne 8102's picture

If we chose to NOT do or celebrate things without my skids, we would never have another birthday, holiday, vacation, family photo, special occasion or anything else. But we simply cannot stop living our lives just because we can't include them as much as we want to. She doesn't ever have to know, and therefore she won't be missing a thing. But the rest of you WILL know what you're missing and why. This will only cause resentment, in my opinion.

~ Anne ~

We are the masters of our own fate; the architects of our own destiny.

OldTimer's picture

just because the kids are not with you.

I have to deal with this somewhat myself, except that my SS can't go out of our state and all my family is across the country. So, visiting them is pretty much null in less I go by myself, and that I can't afford to do because then who would watch SS while I'm gone?!?!? (That's the typical mind set of my DH... geeeh thanks hun for thinking about me...)

Well, before I came along, DH and SS pretty much spent their time wallowing around town, and it was just plain BORING to me. I'm a spontaneous, adventurous sort, so I got them up and moving in no time... camping in the summer, theme parks when ever affordable, our local water hole, fishing, you name it, whatever to expand beyond the city limits, LOL.

But heavens fall if I dare try to plan a trip without SS... OH MY GAWD, the world will cave in on DH, everyone get your soap boxes out and chant the world is ending and get on board the guilt-a-coaster.

Well, I finally just started going off by myself. And after one weekend trip with my friends, I came home to a mopey depressed bf- at the time- who thought how cruel I was for having fun. So, while it's great that we can go off and do things as a family, it's totally a different attitude if I dare try to plan some couple time. I just can't seem to figure out how to get the point a crossed to my DH that, you know what... life isn't ALL about your kids. It is also about yourself, and your spouse. You did survive before you had kids, so what makes you think you can't go on without them for a few days? I don't get it.

Also, it's good for the kids to also learn that yes, their parents do things on their own- without them, have their own interests- without them, and the world did not end because their parents had some fun- without them. It fosters independence.

I say, plan the trip. If your bf has issues, tell him he has choices, either he can

A. Seek BM's permission to take SD on trip and you all go as a happy family

B. Go along without SD- leave the guilt trip behind, else he'd be pushed out the car door on the side of the road.

C. Stay home and mope while you take control of your life, have fun with your children.

Wink StepMom

Man has the intelligence to change his life,
Sometimes, he just fails to use it...

didddos's picture

I have 2 BS and one SS. It's not fair to our BS to have to always wait for SS for us to do anything fun. SS is doing things with BM. BS are not going to sit on thier butts every other weekend. No matter what the reason, if SD can't go with you, go without her. Maybe she's already been to the US with her BM? Now your kids can't go because she can't go with? That is unfair.

I say, take your kids and go without BF. Maybe he'll change his mind and go with you. Maybe he won't. You'll have a good time with or without him.

marika's picture

it is not fair to your kids that they miss out on a trip because he can't bring his daughter. He only has her 8 days a month...would he be able to plan a vacation around that?

DH and I would have never gone on vacation if he had wanted to take his daughters. BM rarely let them visit for the summer and never really gave us any advance warning about when she WAS going to let them come to our place. You cannot let your life revolve around visitation. It will drive you nuts.

Anonymous's picture

YOU determine your life and the life your children will have. Don't compromise that just to have a man at your side. YOUR CHILDREN ARE NUMBER 1. Don't ask permission, don't beg, don't make announcements. JUST DO WHAT IS RIGHT FOR YOUR KIDS. PERIOD. JMHO