It is very hard. What should I do
So I'm in a relationship with this guy for 3.5 years and he has a 5 years old son.
Initially all get along well and I didn't find it a problem, probably because his son was still young and its not as overwhelming as a toddler who shouts, demand this and that etc.
I have my own property and he moved in with me. The problem comes. I appreciate my own time on weekends and I do not want a young kid to come every week and sometimes overnight to do this and that. Occasionally it is fine but I'm really annoyed that my partner gets upset and gets passive aggressive with me when I said to him that I want my personal space and I want a child free week. So he takes the kid to his parents overnight etc.
I hate it when he expects me to let his son to come stayover everytime. I don't need a permit every time to get my personal space.
I want to have kids with him but until them, I'm not a mum and I should have my free time? After all, the house is mine and I have my say and I shouldnt feel bad for what I want?
Or I'm just being selfish? And this is a sign for me to breakup as I'm not suited to this sort of relationship? It's really difficult.
In the past 2 years I've been spending every week with his son religiously and I have lost myself. I realise I should do something to fight for what I need. Is this call selfish? Should I break up?
No, you're not being selfish.
No, you're not being selfish. If he wants to see his son every weekend and on random days during the week, then he should move out and get his own place.
Please stop feeling guilty. His son is his responsibility, not yours. Live your life as you please and let him sort out how to deal with his visitation.
This is what other friends
This is what other friends told me too. But then when I think about the future, if we get married, etc, I can't do that anymore. Would I still be happy?
I still believe that he should get his own place for the sake of his son. I'm not going to put up with his son this and that. He decide to give the house to his ex and fair enough. But he still needs to sort his visitation out!
If we have kids together it is another issue. They are our kids so I am duty bound to satisfied what they want. Would you agree on this?
I think that when he moves
I think that when he moves out, you will find it much easier to see clearly what you need to do. It's not your problem that his ex got the house. He can rent like everyone else.
Also, don't stay in a relationship that doesn't fit your life just because you've invested a lot of time in it. It costs more to get divorced than married.
The true question is…..
Are you going to be happy married to this mess?
I don't want to marry to this
I don't want to marry to this mess. But equally I don't know who I fall in love with him. I suppose, apart from his baggage from the past, he's all good to me.
I don't think these days there's a perfect man. But gradually I think this is a bit too much for me.
Find someone without kids.
Find someone without kids. You will be much happier and there are plenty of fish in the sea.
It could ALL work out. You won't hear a huge amount of positive stories here, but do you want to take that risk. I will advise ANYONE I meet not to get involved with someone with kids. I will also do the honourable thing and if I divorce I will just concentrate on raising my kids and not putting the burden on someone else to be around my kids. They will never understand and it's just not fair on another person, especially if they/I am a crap and guilty paren who can't sort out their own mess.
Absolutely agree with you
Absolutely agree with you here. I would never engage in another relationship with someone who has kids. This one and only has scarred me for life. I'll die a lonely old woman before I ever venture this avenue again, screw that!!!!!!!!!
Ooooh Yeah. If my kids come
Ooooh Yeah. If my kids come home and tell me they have met someone but he has kids.......RUUUUUUUUUUN. Please RUUUUUUUN like Forest Gump & Don't stop running.
Other than that Mrs. Lincoln... How was the play?
Do not settle for anything less than a partner who is as all in on being your equity life partner as you are in being their equity life partner.
That means that the partners and their relationship is the uncontested priority over all else including children. Kids are the top relationship responsibility, but not the top priority.
If your potential mate prioritizes their prior failed family progeny over you and their relationship with you... up your standards in a mate and move on.
IMHO of course.
Good luck.
Every step parent will say...
Every step parent will say....'You knew I had kids.' & that is true, it happened to me, I was the same. When my partner had kids I did something else until she had a problem with it and that's the day I became a step dad. My advice is, just don't get involved. There will be plenty of people out there that don't have kids for you to meet. I have 2 step kids. One with autism and one that has emotional problems that I, after 10+ years am not talking too, he has stolen from every member of the family for a very long time, me, his mum, his dad, his younger brother and sister on both sides of the step family. He thinks he can jsut do as he pleases.
You will at one point not even have the space you crave, because if you are together his step kid is part and parcel of the deal. Have a think about that. The step kid and his ex wife are going to be a big part of your life for a very long time. Even if you don't step parent you will be dealing with all the stress that comes with it until the step kid is at least 25 because you just can't get away with it.
That is very true. I wouldn't
That is very true. I wouldn't comment on his ex, but I'm weary on my properties and savings. But I come to realisation said this commitment is more than what I anticipated. I put a lot of effort into this relationship and I didn't expect that it would come to an end. Every time when I think about it it hurts.
I want to hear every opinion possible as I found that this is the only place I can rant.
I get you are invested, we
I get you are invested, we are all invested in some way or the other. I wish I had come here at the start of my relationship to get thoughts and feelings. Obviously mine are biased, it's not been all bad but in all honesty looking back if it was me and my partner and just our kids, life would have been soooooo much easier.
it's your choice but being a step mum and bring with a partner is no picnic. Nobody can tell you how smoothly it's going to go.
I know I will be advising anyone I can to not do it. If you feel like this now , I doubt it is going to get any easier, unless you accept you have a step kid or set very firm boundaries before you enter into this next stage of your life.... The having a kid that isn't yours stage that is!
Court order?
Does he have a court order outlining visitation? Or is it a free for all situation? If he has a court order specifying visitation, then, depending on how you feel about him, you need to come to terms with it or split up. If its a free for all situation, then, depending on how you feel about him, sit down and hash out what is acceptable to both of you, or split up.
The child isn't going away and needs to spend time with dad but you two should be able to work out a plan. If not, I'd split up.
Yes, I agree and understand
Yes, I agree and understand that the son will need to see his dad. They agreed that every Saturday and overnight from Friday to Sunday morning every other week.
But this is all at the expense at my home.
I'm taking one step at a time. He accepts it but he's not happy.
I just can't win.
I said if I have plans to
I said if I have plans to invite my friends over, then I cant let him come over. I still need to have a social life don't I?
I hope Im just not appeared as selfish. I'm so stressed. I just don't want to see him unhappy but I need to have some time to myself after work too.
Set boundaries and stick to
Set boundaries and stick to them.
it really doesn't seem you are ready for this. If you have your own kids, this will make things very different and difficult indeed.
If the boy only comes over on
If the boy only comes over on his court ordered time (saturdays and every other friday to sunday) then that is reasonable and acceptable in my opinion. You moved your boyfriend into your house and he has a son and court ordered visitation time. I think it is reasonable for your boyfriend to expect to be able to bring his son over at those times and not need to work around your social calender. Your house is (for) now your boyfriend's home too and he should be able to use it as his home to welcome his son in.
If the boy comes over at times that are not court ordered then your boyfriend does need to be getting your approval every time. Not because you own the house, but because you are in a relationship together and changes to expectations need to be agreed upon.
Personally to me it doesn't sound like you are ready yet for life with a kid in it. (No judgement, kids sap up a lot of energy and time). I would move on if I were you and live the life you want without having to argue over who is in your house and when.
I said if I have plans to
I said if I have plans to invite my friends over, then I cant let him come over.
If it is his agreed upon visitation time, you can't really say that he can't come over because you want to have your friends over, that is not fair. If it's outside of the agreed upon visitation time, then he needs to discuss it with you, first.
This is either not the relationship for you, or the two of you should live separately.
By the way, there is nothing wrong with being selfish, as long as you recognize it and don't expect others to sacrifice for it. You knew he had a kid, knew the kid would be coming over, spending the night, etc. If you didn't want to share your home with the kid, you shouldn't have let the BF move in. If you were okay with it at first, and now it's changed, that's fine but now that you know it's not working for you, you need to make a decision. He can't be expected to take his kid to his parents every time.
Does it mean I lose my social
Does it mean I lose my social life by having a partner with kids? Quite simply?
Can I not take a break from weekly visits?
How are you going to get a
How are you going to get a break? Are you going to lock yourself in the bedroom or tell him he can't have his son at your house or are you going to stay out all day when you don't even feel like going out?
He has a son, you knew that, what should he do? What do you want and what does a break mean. What happens if the son doesn't want to stay with the mum any more, my skids haven't wanted to go to their dads for years and years now. No court order but even with a court order what if they just don't want to go? I wouldn't force my kids to come and stay with me if they didn't want to. So many parts to this puzzle....
You can still maintain a
You can still maintain a social life and BF shouldn't expect you to always spend time with his kid when he has him, but like others have said unless his son is coming over on non visitation days is something he needs to discuss with you.
Honestly, sounds like you're not ready for kids to be around and and that is fine and you shouldn't feel guilty. I'd recommend you to live apart or go your separate ways.
Good luck.
Yes, yalls time is the child’s time too.
That man comes with that baggage. There are so many kids who have one parent who is shitty, don't make his pick you as a girlfriend over his child. If y'all have kids down the road and y'all split, then he will listen to that girl over being a father to your kids too. You need to find a man without kids.
I wouldn't stay with anyone who said my kid isn't welcome where I was and you shouldn't have to cut your time short without kids because he has one. I understand why you have the request that you do, but feeling how you do, I wouldn't advise finding anyone who already has kids.
You don't have to give up
You don't have to give up your social life, or your life at all. But I'm not sure your life is compatible with the needs of a child.
Assuming you want to have friends over on a night that is part of regular visitation, why does the child need to be out of the house? When my parents had friends in, we kids were expected to stay out of the living room where they congregated. I guess it wouldn't work if you live in a small apartment, but it doesn't sound like that's the case.
I think you could reasonably
I think you could reasonably say that if he lives with you and the kid only comes during his regularly scheduled visitation, you should accept that. If he doesn't live with you, then you aren't obligated to be around the kid. If he lives with you but wants to be able to take the kid extra whenever he or his ex want, without your consent, frick that. Before moving forward, you and he need to iron out the details of your/his expectations. Or, as said above, just exit this relationship and find a child-free man, especially if you have no kids but want your own, and aren't enthused about the whole step-thing.
Also, anything could happen
Also, anything could happen and his son could end up living with you full-time. It happens. If you don't think that that is something you could handle, you may want to re-think this relationship.
Seems to me that you have two
Seems to me that you have two options, disengage entirely and stop doing anything for either of them and stop doing the housework and cooking and so on, or you pack your bags and leave. There is no reason for you to be the house slave, the kid is your bf's responsibility not yours, cleaning and cooking should be shared between all residents.
Good luck.
Changing the CO
Would changing the court order help? Move it to a every other week type of situation? You get to have time for yourself and your relationship.
Thank you everyone. I think I
Thank you everyone. I think I've just got to accept that this is not going to work and it is what it is.
Life sucks, especially when you've met the wrong person.
It sucks only if you tolerate it.
Be good to you.
Other than that Mrs. Lincoln... How was the play?
Do not settle for anything less than a partner who is as all in on being your equity life partner as you are in being their equity life partner.
That means that the partners and their relationship is the uncontested priority over all else including children. Kids are the top relationship responsibility, but not the top priority. Ever.
If your potential mate prioritizes their prior failed family progeny over you and their relationship with you... up your standards in a mate and move on.
It is not about finding the perfect man or woman. It is about finding an equity life partner to grow your life with and navigate the future with together. Find that person, and you will have found the mate that is perfect for you.
IMHO of course.
Good luck.