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Is it right to not pay for stepkids things?

pwoodlson's picture

It wouldn’t be a big deal if ss didn’t always order the most expensive thing on the menu. I’ve paid for plenty of their meals out and other things but found husband was unappreciative and so were skids. I always find it interesting too how wasteful they are. And of course ss always orders the most expensive things on the menu constantly. What are everyone’s thoughts on this? I used to not mind but I saw being taken advantage of as a reality. People say if they are your stepkids you should treat them like your own kids and not have a problem paying for them. But if they were my own kids they would be always ordering ten dollar omelets for breakfast instead of 6 dollar bacon and eggs everyone else is getting or the 7 dollar steak sandwich at the sandwich place instead of the 3 dollar turkey one. They also wouldn’t act like unappreciative spoiled brats. Anyone feel me here?

sunshinex's picture

I didn't usually pay for my stepkid's meals until we shared income as a couple. When we got married and started sharing finances, I was fine with it but I expected the same I would of my own - say thank you, don't order the most expensive thing, and finish your meal (or bring it home and heat it up next time you're hungry). Simple manners when someone is taking you out for lunch/dinner.

But yeah, at the beginning when we were just dating, DH (then boyfriend) would always cover SDs food if we went out to eat OR if I was treating for whatever reason, I'd cover it. 

Lndsy747's picture

My opinion is that it's not your job to pay for them at all. I get what you're saying about waste. My SD always used to order expensive drinks and drink a few sips and waste the rest it always drove me nuts. I was always allowed to order whatever I wanted as a kid but if I asked for something I was expected to finish it. We don't eat out much so it wasn't a big deal though. Have you ever spoken to your SO about what they order or splitting the bill?

TwoOfUs's picture

Yep. 
It used to drive me crazy how wasteful my skids were at my expense. They would open 4-5 sodas a day, drinking less than 1/3 of each can and letting the rest sit around to go flat. They'd take a slice of cheese and put the block back in the fridge without wrapping it up...letting 90% of it go dry. They'd pour enormous glasses of milk and orange juice and not drink them...pour most of it down the sink an hour later. I could go on and on. I quit buying junk and drinks and told them they could walk up to the grocery store and buy their own if they were craving a soda so bad. They all became water drinkers, which is healthier anyway...and I no longer had to feel like they were pouring my hard-earned money down the drain. 

It's not your job to provide for someone else's kids. If they aren't already separated, separate your finances now. Start buying groceries that you like...only for yourself (that's what I did for a while...then I went back to buying groceries for the household but on a strict budget. I cut way back on snacks and convenience foods and told the skids and DH...when it's gone, it's gone because I've spent what I plan to spend on groceries for this week. They whined at first...but eventually got used to the new normal.) Next time you go out to eat, let your DH know that he's paying this time. You'll be surprised how quickly he puts some limits on what they can order. 

twoviewpoints's picture

You didn't mention the kid's age. If he is old enough to be ordering for himself, I'd think the least his father could do is give the kid a guideline on what he can and what he shouldn't order. What does his Dad say when kid pops up with the pricier items always? 

Anyway, frankly, if I were going to have an issue over prices at breakfast , I'd just buy the ingredients and make breakfast at home. I don't find $4 worth getting upset over, but I'll ask, why isn't his father buying or at least helping pay for the tab? 

I enjoy an occasional omelet too, so if I were ordering one, I would not tell my child he could not. However if I had kids who didn't eat much of what they ordered, I'd likely suggest they share and I'd ask for an extra plate. Example, two kids each get half the omelet and maybe an extra side of toast.

But no, you shouldn't be forking out for the kid (regardless of what he orders) if you don't want to. Let his father pick up the check. 

pwoodlson's picture

He is 9 years old. When he orders pricier items his dad says nothing and allows it. I just don't understand why kids who have two parents who are alive, well and have decent jobs aren't picking up their tabs and are allowing others to do it without reimbursement. It didn't used to bother me and it doesn't still to do it occaisonally but when SS keeps ordering expensive things and his father doesnt offer to reimburse me I get resentful.

twoviewpoints's picture

You're married, right? 

You don't wait to see if he'd like to reimburse you, you tell the man before you get to the restaurant that you aren't paying. Or if necessary, make him look the cheap *ss he is , you ask for separate checks when the waitress arrives at the table. Simply say 'I'm on one check, the gentleman and his kid are on another'.

Think of how much you wouldn't have to cook and/or would save yourself cash if you left DH and the kid at home and enjoyed breakfast out on your own. You'd get peace and quiet too.

This is a case where you are being taken advantage of and you haven't verbalized to your Dh your feelings about being used. Speak up. Make yourself heard. 

And if you do decide to occassionally treat by picking up entire tab, make sure you let your DH know he is to guide his kid/s through the ordering process and keep the budget to x. 

caitlinj's picture

The whole "treat them as your own kids" is hilarious to me. They are not your kids. You are reminded daily by them that they are not your kids, either by the step kids themselves, your spouse, society or the ex. Did you get to raise them the way you chose? Do they treat your like you are their mother? Does society treat you like you are their mom? My guess is the answer to all three of these questions is no. To answer your quesitons your husband should be giving you money to pay for his kids meals before you take them anywhere. If he does not quit going out with them and eat at home. These kids have a mother and father who are living. That is who should be paying for their meals, not you. When greedy little Johnny gets to dictate that he can have one of the most expensive thing on the menu (ridiculous btw) thats when his mom or dad picks up the tab (not you) when the bill comes. Do NOT be used!

TwoOfUs's picture

A-freaking-men. 

It cracks me up how entitled divorced parents become to everyone else's time and money. We've had BM ask us to 'pitch in' for the most ridiculous things for HER kids. (And DH's...but we paid child support, covered phones, and covered cars and auto insurance when they got older...we were doing our part). 

But nope. It was always...do you and TwoOfUs want to 'pitch in' for a prom dress and haircut for OSD? Do you want to 'pitch in' for a new daybed for YSD's room? (no joke...she asked us to pay half for a piece of furniture for HER HOUSE!) Would you like to 'pitch in' for xyz...it went on and on. 

No ma'am. I...a childless stepmom...do not want to hand over my hard-earned money to support your kids. Especially not at your request. If I do things for your kids (which I did...a lot), I want it to be at my discretion and on my timetable. I don't want you reaching in and picking my pocket whenever you darn well please. 

strugglingSM's picture

...that he and I were getting married, her response was something to the effect of, “good, because now I’ll get more child support due to strugglingsm’s income.” Um, no, you are not entitled to my income b$&ch. BM makes at least twice what DH makes, likely 2.5 times as much. And we pay for everything at our house (they never bring clothes with them and god forbid they should bring a raincoat or winter coat). She also constantly demands that DH pay for clothes and school supplies, even though he pays child support - the amount determined by the state formula. We used to pay for their phones, but BM decided she wanted to get them new phones, so now she pays. I’m surprised she hasn’t complained about that...but then again, she never offered to pay a penny when DH was paying.

I’ve paid for things for SSs, but I feel like it’s never appreciated - not even by DH - so, I’m done paying. SSs also love to order the most expensive thing on the menu and then tell me they don’t like it. Makes me want to not be around them. They are also constantly begging for us to get them things and then tiring of those things that they just had to ha e within hours of their purchase. We have so many “must have” items collecting dust in our closet.

Ispofacto's picture

I swear we have the same BM.  Except mine doesn't work.

BM threw a tantrum when she found out DH and I were a couple, but that didn't stop her from going after my money.  She called and told DH that now that he had a sugarmomma, he could afford to give her more money.  You know, because I should be supporting him so he can support her.  Ergo, I would be supporting her.

He was already giving her enough every month for rent, untilities, and food.  I wanted to ask her how much of his income would be enough?  100%?  More?  I wonder what her answer would have been.

The entitlement is insane.

 

Siemprematahari's picture

What the heck is wrong with these woman??? She expected you to support H, so that H can have more money to take care of her?? What kind of warped thinking is this? How about get a damn job!

Maria10's picture

I swear one day soon i might call BM at home and ask her to " pitch in " for the many things we paid over the years on top of CO.

I cannot fathom why these ppl think that we want to give them anything when they are bullying us. 

pwoodlson's picture

Amen to that sister! You know what is wrong is they use manipualtion tactics to try and avoid you seeing it for what it really is.........using others!

tog redux's picture

Well, how do your finances work? We have a joint card and then each have our own personal cards. If we go out together, just DH and me, then we use our joint credit card which gets paid off out of our joint account.  In the past, if we had taken SS out to eat when he was coming over, DH would use his own card for all of us. 

I think.  I don't really remember, but I wouldn't have minded paying for SS, since he has good table manners and DH would have never allowed him to order the most expensive thing on the menu.

Tell DH your concerns. I think men tend to operate from the "if she isn't complaining, she's fine with it," logic.

notasm3's picture

DH and I were talking about something (can't remember what - but it was not SS34).  He made the comment about how he didn't like to be used.  I had to stifle myself not to say that was yet another reason I wanted NOTHING to do with SS.  He's the biggest loser/user ever.  It just gets worse as they get older.

marblefawn's picture

Our money is pooled in our marriage, so there's no question of who's paying.

When we go out with SD, it's ALWAYS a gourmet restaurant (she's a FOODIE!!!!) and she has no problem ordering every course no matter the price. $20 oyster appetizers, $40 steak...we NEVER eat like that! I hate that food. Who the hell wants to eat trout with raspberry sauce???

And taking home leftovers? Out of the question for princess!

Once we were going to a diner and SD was going to meet us there with her husband. I told the waitress to give us 4 menus, even though SD wasn't there yet. My husband said 2 menus would be enough because, "SD doesn't like diner food." WTH?

On occasions when you take out SS, make it IHOP or Waffle House. If you're paying, it's your call. If he's 9, there's no reason he can't order from the kids menu, especially if he has a habit of not finishing his meal. And make sure his leftovers are packed up and sent home with him.

Ridiculous these brats can't eat leftovers.

sunshinex's picture

You could also get used to enjoying eating out alone lol I do it a lot because I also dislike spending money on SD because she's not a very grateful person. Prior to having my son, I'd head out grocery shopping or something around the meal time I wanted to eat out and I'd treat myself alone and not tell anyone. Now that I have my son, I bring him out for breakfast at least once a week on the weekend - just him and I :) 

pwoodlson's picture

I can relate. I do the eating alone thing pretty often and love it. I also will meet a friend for lunch or dinner  frequently and I enjoy that very much. I do not always tell my husband because he will give me a hard time. I just dont enjoy eating with my stepkids and its also expensive. They whine and complain about everything, throw tantrums, cause problems, make a big mess and dont clean up after themselves, interrupt conversations and say rude things, SS orders expensive things and doesn't finish nor act appreciative at all. Appreciative and having manners isn't something they are familiar with or aware of even. It's not cute. It's irritating.

ESMOD's picture

For a 9 year old... he should be told that he can pick "whatever he wants" from the CHILDREN's menu.  Alternately, the adult can pick a meal for him.  I don't remember being allowed to run up my parent's tab as a child.. why does he get this privilege.  The person paying gets to dictate.

 

and.. no you don't have to continue to pay for his.. but what you can't really do is not feed him at all.. if dad is there.. .dad should probably be getting a share of the bill.

 

pwoodlson's picture

The problem is with my husband as he allows this behavior. It has caused them to be very ungrateful and spoiled. If they were appreciative it would be a different story but they are the most whiney unappreciative kids and he encourages this behavior. Do these parents ever wonder why people dont like their kids or is it always the step parents fault for being 'cold' or 'not wanting kids'

Maria10's picture

No they never wonder whose fault it is bc they are too busy nursing their own guilt! But since somebody has to be at fault it is always the prson who is there-- the stepparent!

How about everytime your DH takes you out( presumably on his dime---he does pay for dates right?) you order the most expensive thing?  He says something you just laugh and continue to order. Hes upset about it and yelling tell him it wasnt even that good. Next time he should take you to a better restaurant. If he continues yelling then tell him to take your leftovers for lunch and he will see bc you don't even want them for lunch tomorrow. 

If him paying for the most expensive thing on the menu when you two go out does not seem to bother him then this is a different problem.

Livingoutloud's picture

You aren’t married and not living together. You are dating. Why are you paying for their meals??? And why just three weeks ago he was a boyfriend who doesn’t live with you snd you complained he barely sees you and you are alone a lot and now he is a husband all of a sudden? How did that happened? 

Kona_California's picture

I would first end the blame on the kid. He's 9 and that isn't old enough to know all of these subtle polite nuances of being taken out to breakfast/lunch. Your gaze needs to shift to the dad, which you should have an honest conversation with. It's an understandable topic. Let him know your boundaries and be clear about what you're comfortable with and not comfortable with. But also, know that if you take someone out to breakfast, expect they might order something that costs more than what you ordered. To me, a $4 difference isn't a big deal. Next time take him somewhere cheap and you can afford whatever's on the menu. If he doesn't express gratitude, since you're an adult and major role in his life, its' ok to say "what do you say, bud? say thank-you" and when he says thank you give a big "you're welcome!" No, it isn't your obligation. But he is still learning this stuff and it's fair to expect people in general to correct children for the better. 

Rags's picture

IF they are being wasteful... don't pay.  Rather than allowing them to order for themselves, order for them. If they don't like it... they can starve. Their choice.

Once they catch a clue.... adjust and try it again.

Keep up the pain, their behavior will change.

New_to_this's picture

My SS is the same. He always, without fail, orders the most expensive thing on any menu when we are out. It's been this way since I've known him, so since he was 7. Yes, 7 years old. DH allowed him to order whatever he wanted at 7 years old. He did not order from a kid's meal at that age. Yet, he never finished his meal. He would regularly leave half of it untouched, so that DH would finish it.

It was ridiculously frustrating for me to watch this everytime we went out. And, when I first met the skids, I learned that DH took them out to eat almost everyday, if not twice a day. It was gross from so many standpoints...unhealthy consumption, wastefulness with food and money. I mentioned it to DH early on, but it probably took him two or three years to actually address it with SS. Instead of being a parent and give SS a choice from a selected menu, he allowed him to get whatever he wanted. Then, when he actually started to explain to SS that he shouldn't be ordering the most expensive menu item when he was 10 or 11, SS would just complain about how he needed bacon or that he was really hungry or that he would forego dessert, but then cry when he didn't get dessert.

He's 14 now and it's just a running joke at this point for DH. He still tries to order the most expensive thing every single time, like he forgets every time not to order the most expensive item. But, through the years I've basically managed this by only going out with him maybe 4 times a year max (if not on vacation - and I try to avoid vacationing with the skids now). DH can deal with the behavior on his own if he wants, but I don't want to be a part of it. So, when I do go out with him, it's only to McDonalds, so that his spending is controlled, since the highest priced meal is $11 or $12. I would rather cook at home than go out with him. DH is totally on board now as I think he is also frustrated with the behavior, but doesn't want to take initiative to change it.

Maria10's picture

If the kids are there DH pays for all of us. We have family movie+pizza night on Friday. he buys the pizza.  If dh cant take us and I really want to go I pay. Sometimes i make homemade pizza for pizza night so we can do something else. My DH paying makes me want to pay.

Sometimes SS12 gets really imaginative with the extras. Thats when I give him a price limit. He can order say up to $10. Ss says he really enjoys having the $ limit. 

If that does not work there are other options:

1. Go to a family style restaurant

2. Order in advance for everyone or pickup dinner

3. Ask what he would like to eat. Then pick it up and bring it home 

NOTE: this however sounds like your DH expects you to pay so I would address that issue first!

 

elkclan's picture

I pay for my stepkids when we eat out sometimes. But I also have no problem saying "no you can't have that -it's too expensive" no matter whether I'm paying or my SO is paying. 

But it's widely acknowledged that we're cheap. Smile My son and stepsons all know this.