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Is it possible the SO's are just unstable people?

caitlinj's picture

If you think about it they couldn't make it work with the parent of their children, the person whom they choose to have children with. Most relationships have shelf lives. However when you have children with someone you really try your best to stick it out no matter what because there are other lives involved that could be torn apart by it. There is also a special bonding that occurs with the person you have children with. So they ether failed to do that for one reason or another to make the relationship work that was important on so many levels or they choose terribly with whom to have children with which leads me to believe they may have some serious issues themselves. I found my relationship with my SO was full of conflict involving either his kids, his ex or his mother. He would believe anything his kids said automatically without question even though they had a history of exagerating, manipulating and lying. He also would push and pull. One minute I was the love of his life and the second mom to his kids and the next I was flawed on some way, not worth listening to and treated with anger and discard. Which makes me wonder if the issue is the reason why they were a divorced parent to begin with was because they are not emotionally stable people and have no business being in a relationship unless it is unhealthy and the other person is willing to put up with their behavior because of their own issues.

SteppedOut's picture

For some it may be a part of the reason, all of the reason or none of the reason - because you also have to take into consideration the ex. 

Are you feeling like your husband may have been the issue in his first marriage?

Exjuliemccoy's picture

Absolutely. There's lots of instability, mental illness, and damaged people to be read about on this site.

When we fall for an individual, those love goggles make it difficult to see clearly. It took me years to see and then accept that my DH was but one piece of a dysfunctional picture.

We also choose to disregard that these people have indeed already failed at the process of selecting and keeping a mate. It's  easy to believe that the ex was wicked, a druggie, etc, but it takes two to kill a relationship.

We even have a few posters who've chosen partners with several failed marriages/relationships. Everyone's journey is different, and hopefully by reading and posting they're starting to see the big picture.

 

Myss.Tique D'Off's picture

I whole heartedly agree with everything said here. However, there is one exception: I have a friend with several failed marriages... He is married for the 4th time and has three children with three different women. Who in their right mind will take on that? One of my close friends did! (I thought she was nuts at the time as it was her first marriage and she had no children,) Ten years later, these are two of the happiest people I know.

The difference is it took him three marriages to see that he was marrying the same woman (archetype) over and over - and getting the same result: marital failure. He loves strong women... but doesn't want to be controlled by them which inevitably followed. My friend is one of the strongest most accomplished women I know, but she has no interest in controlling him because she doesn't want to be controlled either... From what looked like a disasterous starting prosepect, it has been a long and happy marriage that works for them: and these two are quite loved up.
Secondly, she doesn't take any BS from him when it comes to his kids and she has taught him to parent properly - when she has no kids of her own. Two of the kids are adults (19 and 24) and one is 16 and still does week on / week off custody time with them. She doesn't interact with the BM's at all and keeps contact with them to a minimum. The relationship with his children has actually improved over the years, so I really  think this couple has somehow managed to beat the odds... They are both very successful, professional people. Her ace: she is a divorce lawyer and will probably cut off his balls if he messes with her...  I don't think these two will ever get divorced, they are besotted with each other and have a very happy  and healthy marriage,

STaround's picture

One or both can be unstable.  People change.  Now, I do think people should try harder when children are involved, but sometimes that just does not work.  In the US, generally if one spouse wants a divorce, that is it.  the other can be willing to work on it, but it does not matter, the one spouse can force a divorce.  

Many people learn from their divorce.  Others just think they did.  

Aniki's picture

There are times when a child is created before the people get to truly know one another. I wonder how many of those actually survive?

futurobrillante99's picture

I’m hoping the chameleons get found out quicker and quicker so the women they find hurt less and they hurt less women.

Forthelifeoftheparty's picture

My DH knew he did not want to be with BM. They were married for FIVE years before they had a child. Every six months or so, he wanted to end the relationship. He told her many times he wanted a divorce. But he stayed in it because he is religious. He didn’t want a child with BM, but he did want children. So he had one with her. He figured, “I might as well get something out of this torture.”

He was a fool and weak. He knows this. 

He was an insecure man married to an emotionally abusive narcissist at best. He knows this too. 

I have no idea why these men have children with abusers. The children are abused in different ways and grow up to abuse their parents or be forever crippled by their relationships.

Aniki's picture

Some people are not always what they seem to be.

I was in relationship with The Chameleon. When we first got together, he had a really good job, was fun and funny. He took major steps to woo me. But I found out it was all a façade. The Chameleon sees what he wants and changes himself to get it.  However, a chameleon can only maintain an image for so long before it starts to crack and the real person appears. He tried to maintain, tried to gaslight me, but I eventually found out who he really was. 

 

tog redux's picture

Well - it's much better for you to focus on why you ended up with him than to try to figure out what makes him tick.  It's a double-edged sword here - you are pointing out that he picked poorly in BM, but you picked poorly in HIM.

For our situation, DH knocked up BM before he even knew her much. He stuck it out for his son's sake, and married her because she wanted to get married, and then she showed her true colors ... he still stuck it out as long as he could, until she had affairs, which was a deal breaker for him. I think he chose her because his mother is subtly narcissistic so that was familiar to him.

So, why did you choose your ex-SO?

Disneyfan's picture

Tog nailed it.

Pointing the finger at BM, the SKs, the inlaws and/or your husband really doesn't matter.  The only thing that matters is the choice you(general) make when you come to realize you are no longer happy/ fulfilled in your relationship.

ndc's picture

My SO married BM because she was pregnant.  She cheated throughout their relatively short marriage and then left him.  SO is far from perfect, but I don't think the end of that marriage is predictive of much of anything.  The only instructive thing from it is that it's best to use protection to avoid unplanned pregnancies.

Myss.Tique D'Off's picture

I don't think it is necessarily an issue of instability as in the end it becomes an incompatibility situation. How often have you seen dating/married couples who really don't belong together because you can see issues that will later become problems? How often does your friend listen to rightful concerns you raise about their behaviour or their spouse's behaviour? 

"Love" (or lust) makes you know better, override your better judgement... Many times people move through the intital relationship gears too fast with people they don't really know, ignoring red flags or being blissfully unaware of them. Overtime people also change: not necessarily for the better or they outgrow their partner on certain levels. It is not a simple solution to figure out complex relationship dynamics.  And sometimes, the fault does not lay in your partner, the fault is within you. Very few people want to admit that or do the introspection necessary  to see why relationships went wrong or what their contribution to any relationship is. Self-honesty and honesty with your partner is important: being alone in an honest relationship with yourself  is healthier than being in a difficult, emotionally dishonest and  contentious romantic relationship with anyone, especially if your expectations are unrealistic.

To me, being through a failed marriage where we both were at fault, the most important aspect that I have learned is what I am worth and what I am worthy of - after doing the hard and difficult brutally honest introspection.

Rags's picture

Sure, it is possible that SOs are unstable people. But all of them?  I think not.  Rather than unstable my belief is that most of them are engaging in active chosen idiocy and ignore reality.

The beauty of intellect is that it can and should trump emotion. Particularly when addressing life's issues.  Those who love those that voluntarily and actively embrace idiocy should rub their noses in it rather than suffer their emotional lack of intellect.

Zero tolerance and continuous exposure to fact based clarity works. And if it doesn't finding a new equity life partner certainly can work.  Being in a blended family relationship should not mean sacrificing one's self on the alter of Sparental martyrdom and to the idiocy of emotion based decision making when it comes to spawn, extended family, and Xs.

IMHO of course.