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Is it fight or flight?

tryingjusttrying's picture

Hello all. This is my first post! But I've been reading posts for several months now and have found them invaluable. I really, really appreciate the honesty here which allowed me to own up to how I was feeling and to accept my experiences as valid. I'm not sure if I could have handled my recent blended family experiences if I hadn't found this forum.

I've been inspired to post finally because of one thing I struggle with. I find that I have developed a strong dislike for my teen SS. It makes me frame things he does in a negative light. Behaviors I might forgive in my own nephews and nieces, as well as my BS, if my SS does them, I just add it to why he deserves my dislike. Let me be clear, he definitely behaves in ways that are deliberately mean to me: ignores me, tries to exclude me, etc., etc. I have struggled to accept my reactions instead of rejecting them. I was feeling guilty and horrible for not rising above it and taking the high road. I realized that it is natural to be upset and hurt at his actions. If someone treated me the way my SS has, I would just avoid them. But in this situation, I have to be around it to some extent, and adding to the fire, I feel that any wrong step would lead to losing the man I love. My DH has reassured me that he accepts and supports how I am choosing to handle the situation (mostly disengaging). He is pretty good about not catering to SS's worst impulses and enforcing boundaries. But still, there's a part of me that harbors a fear that a wrong step could lead to trouble, which I think is what makes the blended family situation  by nature just so tense and loaded.

But I don't want to be a person who walks around with contempt and negativity. For my part, I think I've built up a "prejudice" against my SS, making it even harder to find a bridge that might lead to some connection even if only in the future. I feel that the more I get in the habit of construing him with this negativity, the more I will build up resentment. Like anyone, my SS isn't all bad, and I know from reading posts here that he is in many ways manageable. But it's so hard to see the positive when my feathers are ruffled and I have to be around someone who clearly dislikes me. I think it's a matter of self-defense and protection to want to push back and reject behaviors that are made against me. Has anyone been successful in neutralizing that fight or flight response?

CLove's picture

Welcome to Steptalk!

Glad you did some reading around. What you are feeling is normal. Typically if someone is toxic to us we can avoid them. You are kinda stuck. But these behaviors need to be dealt with by DH and you also can work on your feelings at the same time.

For me, my best move was to get moving. Leave the house. Get my life exciting for ME. Put all your efforts and thoughts into other things. Put your energies into your bio.

You can work on things in your marriage that will help with feeling more confidence.

tryingjusttrying's picture

Thanks CLove! That is great advice. I was feeling that I was too fixated on the SS. My thoughts tend to wander toward my worries and concerns. But what purpose does that serve me? What am I getting out of ruminating about what is not right with him? I do think focusing more on my own life, my own interests, and my own self-care would be very good for me.

Harry's picture

You "Broke up."  He's perfectly happy home , broke up his happy childhood., his happy family.  Everything was perfect until you came along.  His BF marring you are keeping his parents from getting back together.  You are keeping him from that perfect life. 
or there nothing you can do about it.  Just do what makes you happy, don't give SS a second thought 

tryingjusttrying's picture

That's a good perspective. There is just no way that SS would suddenly be okay with me when he associates my very existence with bad stuff which for him is not getting 100% of dad's attention when I'm around. He and I are very different, so there's also just a lot of stress in having to tolerate each other. He doesn't get along with BM, so I don't think he's upset about his parents not being together - that's the only way he can be away from his mom for half of the week. Again, I'm back to focusing on myself and my own happiness.

Stepdrama2020's picture

How you are feeling is understandable.

Dang its such a fine line between taking the high road and being walked on.

To avoid the building resentment if SS is rude to you, call him out, each and every time. Just because you are a SM it doesnt mean you cant address poor behavior. Your DH should be understanding of that. Your marriage shouldnt feel so fragile that calling out bad behavior will break the marriage.

Blessings

tryingjusttrying's picture

Should I call it out every time? I've been disengaging, which my DH is fine with. He's come around to the view that disengaging doesn't mean I'm rejecting SS. It is just unsustainable to keep trying to engage when the SS just ignores me. But can I continue to disengage if insist on certain behaviors, like respect?

Yes, that is the fine line between taking the high road and being walked on. I realized I am only too human and there is a part of my brain that is triggered when any human being (despite being DH's dear son) disses you. But like Harry above said, no amount of stress on my part is going to make him be okay with my presence, so I have to be content with living part time with a troll who wishes me no good. I've been thinking exactly that I have to stop feeling like my marriage is threatened for not feeling totally good about SS. I could shrug off behaviors a lot better if I don't perceive my negative feelings and actions as being a threat to my marriage.

Rags's picture

child, then he was not the man you thought he was or the man you should be with.

That said, if your teen SS is toxic towards you, apply consequences.  Make them more severe than any benefit he thinks he may get for being toxic.

An escalating state of misery for his toxic behavioral choices are on him. Not you.  Do not feel guilty, do not undemine your confidcence with worry about what might could possibly happen with your relationship with your DH.  Continue to communicate clearly with DH, let DH know that the next stage beyond disengagement is confrontation of disrespect from your SS and that you expect your DH to have your back.

Do not walk around with contempt and negativity. The issue is SKid behavior, focus on that behavior and do not let it go deeper than that. SS chooses to be toxic, he chooses the consequences.

This is all on him.

We each perceive the behavior of others through our own lense.  However, toxic behavior is toxic behavior and those who perpetrate it are the ones at fault.

Welcome, take care of  you.

tryingjusttrying's picture

Thanks Rags. You sound like you  know what you're talking about. What kind of consequences are you referring to? Can you give an example? Like SS sometimes pretends that I'm not there, but if I address him, he'll usually reply (even if a little dismissively). I tend not to be punitive, and my plan was to just ride it out until he grows up and out. What kind of consequence do you give just for kind of a bad attitude? I don't want to make the relationship worse than it is by piling on punitive measures for possibly normal teen behavior.

Rags's picture

an audible at the time of the behhavior that results in consequence. In my opinion anyway.

For older teens, just a "I would apprciate it if you would not pretend like I am not here.  Can we agree that we will be pleasant to each other and include each other when we are together."

As for knowing what I am talking about.  My SParent resume is about as simple and ideal as they get. I became dad to my SS-30 when he was a toddler.  His mom and I met and started dating when he was 15mos old. We married the week before he turned 2yo.  My DW was the CP with full physical and legal from SS's birth.  After HS (she had him when she was 16) she moved out of state for University. SS was with her.  The NCP (The Spermidiot) and the SpermClan had COd long distance visitation (5wks summer, 1wk winter, 1wk spring) so their influence on SS was limited. Though they did a lot to PAS him during their visitation time. Blessedly they were not particularly successful in their PAS efforts though the did succeed in upsetting the Skid periodically and ultimately he mostly disassociated from them after he aged out from under the CO at 18.  He asked me to adopt him when he was 22yo.  We made that happen.

IMHO, addressing behavior in real time is not punitive.  It is immediate.   Teens are harder than younger kids. For younger kids we used sentences.  Lots of them.  When ours chose inappropriate behaviors, he wrote sentences that highlighted that bad choice.

"I will do my homework as assigned and turn it in on time."  

All in perfect handwriting, perfect grammar, perfect punctuation at a pace of ~120-180 per  hour until the assigned number was completed.  From age 8-~13/14 sentences worked well. With a few other choice consequences thrown in for effectiveness. To this day he has beautiful handwritting.  

Diablo

Once SS was into his mid to late teens, turning off the internet, taking his cell phone, instituted complete boredom, etc..... worked. But the need was rare by them.  Usually a stern discussion, having him outline the failure in analysis of his choices, etc.... during a hairy eyeball discussion with his mom and I tended to do the trick.

Tune your interface and consequences to the situation and to what tends to get this kid's attention.

There is no magic to it.  

My style was to correct and reset.  His mom's style was correct, lecture, recycle the lecture, apply repeated reminder lectures for an exteunded period on the calendar, etc....  Combined she and I were able to get him raised fairly drama free and get him to launch into adulthood with nothing catastrophically painful for any of the three of us.  Not that the process was not without the PITA factor.  SS would ask me to resume my historic efforts in parenting and discipline once his mom started engaging more assertively once he was in his teens.  He much preferred my one and done approach unless he repeated the behavior to his mom's infinate torturous lecture model.

Sorry kid. You chose her as your mom. And you won the mom Lottery hands down.  Good choice Son.

Wink

Keep it simple.

That works best in my experience and opinion. Focus on the behavior and an immediate consequence.

Good luck.

 

EveryoneLies's picture

I dont want to hijack the thread, but I personally find the "reset" portion really difficult. SS will reset next morning no problem as he had never done anything wrong, leaving me feel very wronged lol.

i cant pretend the shit thats happening everyday didn't actually happen. If there are tips that'd be great haha. 
 

and op..some teens will just be an ass sometimes. I can get yelled at (then immoderately apologize to) even when I was just givjng SS stuff he likes. I dont like it this way, but I cant change the boy if he thinks he's perfect.

tryingjusttrying's picture

Can you elaborate on what you mean by "reset"?

I'm trying to be okay with not liking the situation but not being able to control it.

Rags's picture

on the kid to not repeat the behavior.

If SS did not repeat the behavior, I did not recycle my irritation on it.  If he repeated, I escalated the misery induced by the application of the consequence.

I think my reset was associated with addressing the issue directly with SS, then applying the consequence.  If I let it stew, my own Grrrrrrr factor on it would escalate.

If that makes sense.

tryingjusttrying's picture

Thanks so much Rags. It sounds to me that you did a lot of things right. You seem so invested and caring, and was willing and able to parent SS. I wonder if it mattered that you have been in his life since he was a kid. I met my SS when he was already 13/14. We actually got along well in the beginning, and I even sensed that in some ways, he felt more safe with me at times (his bio parents had used quite a punitive approach to discipline before I came into the picture). I have learned since that sometimes he put on a "good boy" personae until he got "to know" someone. So I see now that some of it was just an act. In any case, I think we may not ever have a strong relationship. As a personality, he ticks off many of my pet peeves - loud, aggressive, arrogant, etc.

I want to thank everyone who responded. I absorbed two lessons especially: that my SS would probably dislike me even if I did everything right and that I didn't deserve anything to get bad treatment, but I do have to deal with it. Thank you!

Rags's picture

from near the beginning. He has always known his BioDad, we never denied visittion.  When his mom and I met, SS was nonverbal.  I am the first person he ever called Dad(dy).  He knew that the picture on the wall of his mom's apartment was of daddy. He would point at the picture when he was asked about daddy.

His mom and I had been dating for a few months when we were having dinner in her apartment and were discussing whether or not SpermDad would actually show up for a visit. He had arranged visits, given flight information, DW had taken SS to the airport several times riding the bus. Only for the SpermIdiot to not get off of the plane.  At dinner that night DW was engaging SS on his "Daddy's" visit to get him excited.  SS's face lit up and he pointed at me and said "Daddy".

I have been his Dad ever since.

SS has known only me as a father figure. SpermDad is at best a video gaming sperm donor. Little more.  SS won the mom lottery. He is the eldest of 4 all out of wedlock Spermidiot spawned half sibs by 3 baby mamas.  SPawn #2 is on the dole, #3 is in prison and #4 is following #3 very closely.

Yes, starting as StepDad when he was a toddler has made a lot of difference for all of us.  Though the true secret sauce is his mom.  My bride is an amazing woman and would have raised him successfully whether I ever entered the picture or not.

You do not deserve bad treatment.  I would not tolerate it if I were you.  I would confront it immediately by baring his ass immediately when he does it.  Let him know that his juvenile immaturity is not going to be accepted and if he makes the mistake of perpetrating those behaviors he will learn misery that will escalate if he fails to stop his crap.  The more publically you can bare his ass, the better.  He perpetrates the inappropriate behavior, he earns the consequences. Deliver on what he earns. If his behavior is reasonable, he lives a reasonably pleasant existance. He is toxic, he earns misery. His choice.

IMHO of course.

Take care of you.

tryingjusttrying's picture

Wow. I'm grateful for that perspective. From all corners of society, one hears about the wicked stepmom and the blame is always on her. But I can deal a lot better if I can remind myself that I am not the one that is initiating the toxic behavior, and that we should expect him to manage himself. Thank you. And again, amazing job on your role as a stepdad. It sounds like your SS dodged a bullet in terms of the legacy his dad left. I love stories of people rising to the occasion.