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Is it bad to be looking forward to this awkward dinner?

classyNJ's picture

Its been 10 days since DH has uttered a word to SS13. He is coming tonight and DH is making SS17 his favorite dinner of pork roast. He has no plans on speaking to SS13 other then hello until SS13 gives him a correct apology. I giggle at just about everything. Worse when its awkward. Oh boy I can see the evil eye coming now. Wink

Two weeks ago, DH took SS13 shopping for new catchers equipment. Not cheap! That following Tuesday he had his first scrimmage of the season. DH was standing behind the dug out talking to other parents and SS13 grounded out. As he was walking back to the dugout DH said "its ok son, shake it off".

SS13 went into the dugout, sat down next to the head coach and said "I can't play baseball with him talking to me and I wish he wasn't even here" :jawdrop: :jawdrop:

DH left and was extremely hurt. SS13 didn't even know that DH heard him which to DH made it worse because if he would have said it direct to him they would have hashed it out but to DH SS13 was talking shit behind his back.

SS17 called that night to find out how it went and DH told him what SS13 said and that he was hurt. It was a slap in the face to him. DH pays all sports fees, equipment, trips, meals, etc. Works overtime and takes every standby of the week to be able to provide SS13 with what he needs. MOTY only goes to about 2 games a year and thats if the weather is not good for the beach and its a home game across the street from her development.

SS17 told SS13 that DH heard him and SS13 waited 6 days to send a text that said "Im sorry for what I said, I was having a bad day and let my emotions get ahold of me" Sorry SS13 - we know that is not how you talk and who wrote that text? SS17 DH replied with "ok"

Needless to say, that hurt has turned to anger and will be speaking to SS13 about respect and gratitude. This should be good.

Pixiegardener's picture

Oh boy! That should be interesting. Hope it goes okay and that SS13 actually gets something through his head that is is not ok to talk that way about his dad. Your poor DH, no wonder he was hurt!

BSgoinon's picture

Awe, that breaks my heart. DH would be devastated if SS said something like that, especially behind his back Sad

I hope they can hash it out soon.

Nope's picture

It's no wonder he was hurt but I think your husband needs to watch out that his anger/hurt doesn't make his kid even worse. Just my 2 cents but I think passive aggression makes people grow up crazy. My husband's mother used to do this "conditional love" thing with him that was awful. Just like what your husband is doing. Dangling his favorite things in front of him to make sure he knows where the good stuff is at. But cold and mean otherwise until she got her way. It's an awful mind-eff and it's not fair. My kids and step kids have all said things meant to hurt and alienate me. usually when they were embarrassed or trying to set themselves apart from me in some way with friends. No its not nice, and it's not ok. But the reaction needs to be reasonable, and not histrionic. Don't expect a 13 year old to be emotionally mature. He knows it hurt his dad and he either cares or he doesn't. Turning up the heat won't make it easier for him to initiate a truce. Silent treatment for a kid this age is abusive. You can't force your kids to love you but this is not the way to entice them at all.

classyNJ's picture

I appreciate the insight. We are all German and the silent treatment goes both ways. Doesn't make it right.

SS13 texts or calls DH every day after school. Since that Tuesday has not even attempted to contact DH other than the "apology" text that was written by his brother. Things are discussed face to face and if it cannot wait then over the phone but never through text. And your right, he probably does not care or he would have reached out.

DH is not dangling anything thing and there is no "conditional" love. SS13 knows DH loves him. He is starting his teenage BS with attitude, talking back and being disrespectful to BM and SF, but they do nothing about it. No consequences what so ever. It will NOT happen in our home and that is most likely what this dinner conversation will be about.

Gimlet's picture

This has to be a tough situation for you and DH with everything you do for these kids. I can't remember how many times I've read posts from you where you drop everything to make sure they are accommodated. You two are very dedicated parents.

I think it's good that DH is going to have a heart to heart with SS13. It's OK to let him know how much the comment upset him and to outline consequences for future incidents, should they arise.

Nope makes a good point about the silent treatment, but I also know that had to be very hard for DH to hear. The one thing I will add is that I don't agree with telling SS17 instead of taking it to SS13 directly.

Gimlet's picture

I will admit that I was this kind of kid. I got really upset when I made mistakes and tended to beat myself up and not want to hear that it was OK, because it was NOT OK to me.

My coaches finally broke me of it, but it was hard going at times. I had to learn that taking my frustration out on others was not acceptable, and riding the bench sure taught me that Smile

I bet you're right about SS13 lashing out.

Edit: While this is a teaching moment that DH will need to embrace, I think coach should have yanked his butt out of the game for being a sore sport.

ESMOD's picture

I agree.. a 13 yo probably doesn't have the emotional toolbox to fix this. He was mad and a lot of times when people (kids) are mad they lash out because they want others to feel "as miserable as they do". I don't know the whole deal.. maybe the DH puts pressure on the kid to perform.. maybe the kid is insecure and putting pressure on himself. He was probably for sure embarrassed by his public mistake and even more so by having someone tell him how to deal with it. Your DH wasn't wrong to give him the encouragement.. but the silent treatment over basically the equivalent of a 5 yo telling mommy he hates her for not giving him the cookie.. is probably excessive. What would be nice is if DH could just tell the kid that what he said hurt his feelings because he always wants to support his kid and he can ask the kid if he really does feel that way or whether it was just a bad moment handled badly. Adulting is hard when other people hurt our feelings.. but as the adult we should try to model the behavior we expect from the kids.. hard to do and I am by no means good at it all the time..lol.

Supes's picture

I have to agree. Teenagers say things in the heat of the moment that they don't mean. It's a power struggle at this age and IMO parents should be mature about it.

If it was me I would have been honest about it hurting my feelings but I would have moved on from it and got back to normality. I wouldn't ignore my kid for days on end over anything.

Merry's picture

I think your DH is being childish. Does your DH solve problems in the marriage through the silent treatment? I hope not. He needs to model adult problem solving behavior instead of a passive aggressive approach.

I agree that what SS said was hurtful. DH needs to explain that, how it made him feel, and how SS might deal with frustration in the future. They discuss it, SS makes a heartfelt apology, and he learns something about how men should act.

notasm3's picture

The boy does not sound like he is an utter waste of space - just a kid who did something thoughtless and stupid.

But it doesn't hurt for him to learn that unconditional love does NOT mean unconditional acceptance of hateful language and actions.

classyNJ's picture

Thanks everyone for the responses. We learn something new everyday, no matter how old or how many children you have.

Gimlet's picture

Dup

Pixiegardener's picture

It did occur to me too that the kiddo's comment reflected more that he felt bad to be 'out' in front of his dad - but of course a young boy goes to a place of shame pretty quick (and so do men in GENERAL, I've noticed) and when there is shame, out comes anger. Because of course no one is going to admit to being embarrassed or ashamed of what they think of as 'failure". A trick I've learned with dh and with other men is if you see anger, "check" for shame. Like, was there something they felt like they could have done better, but just can't say so? Then if I step into their shoes of feeling shame or embarrassment, I suddenly am flooded with compassion and it's easier to re-connect, even if they haven't said 'sorry'. Hoping it will be an opening to really connect for dad and son after they get it out in the open.