Issues when bringing new child into blended family?
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What have been people's experience about brining a bio child into a family where the mom and dad each have a child of about 8-9. My daughter lives with us and her dad lives overseas. My husband's daughter lives at our house Friday and Saturdays. I'm 38 so I don't have a huge amount of time to decide this (couple of years max), and the last thing I want is to generate more trouble with hubby feeling guilty, ex calling, his child crying because she doesn't see the child as often.....I already go out all day Saturday doing things with my own daughter (ballet, etc) and I encourage him to do the same with his. Do I want to upset the apple cart?
Can anyone out there give some advice from their experience?
Well do you want another child?
I would first ask that question?
Sit and talk to both of your children. you may find that his daughter wants to have a baby brother or sister. Make her feel a part of the decision and her reaction will be better.. I think anyways..
I do
My husband and I have talked about having another child. We have also canvassed the idea with the girls. Most of the time they are ambivalent - but most 9 year olds are - it's a case of as long as my things aren't messed up!
I don't think the decision should be based on what either of the children want. My parents didn't ask me if I wanted a brother of sister...
To be honest I'm more concerned about issues for our marriage and the likely affect it will have on increasing pressures.
I am with Happy....
This is a decision that involves primarily you and your spouse....do you want another child. I wouldn't get the kids to involved in influencing your decision one way or another. We probably gave our kids too much involvement in decisions and we learned in hindsight that it was not a good idea. Just our experience.
In my experience
My situation is not identical to yours because I did not have any children when I got together with my fiance, but his daughter was 8 when we met, 10 when we had a child together. SD is now 11 1/2 and we sure keep busy with her swim meets, cello, dances, sleepovers, etc so I know what it's like to have every moment of your weekend taken over by a child's activities. Our little one just comes along with us and we do pretty much everything as a family. Yes, it cuts into her naps and makes her (and everyone else!) a bit cranky at times, but it's worth it. A family is about compromise and working together.
SD often says that she's sad that she can't see her baby sister more and she ponders how the baby will feel as she gets older and starts wondering why she can't see SD every day. Now that there will be two little ones full-time here, I think that SD will feel this even more because yes, she will be the odd one out since she only spends 96 hours a month at our house. Yes, it's hard. No, it's not ideal. But that's how it is. My daughter already wanders around the house on Monday mornings calling her big sister's name and crying. We sit down and look at videos of them together and she's happy with that, so we do the best we can with the situation we're handed. The good far outweighs the bad - these two little girls have the most amazing bond.
That said, it has been a rough road with BM. In addition to being bipolar, BM is also extremely jealous and insecure about her daughter having another family and new siblings (our daughter is 1 and we're expecting again in July). She does everything in her power to alienate SD from her dad, from me, from her baby sister, from my extended family, from anyone who has a loving relationship with SD who doesn't have her (BM's) last name.
So, we have very much upset the apple cart by having children together. Would I turn back time and not have kids to "keep the peace" if I could? Absolutely not. Your choice to have additional children should not rely on BM's reaction, dad's guilt, the unfairness that SD won't get to see the baby as often as DD or anything like that. If you feel you would rather focus on the children you have now, so be it. But you will make room for a new baby if that's what you want. We've done it. It's a balancing act, but we do it.
Good luck with what you decide.
Realist
I am currently pregnant for the second time this year. I lost the first in April. I have no biological children.My step sons are 6 & 9 & are excited. We have the boys each day after school till 5:30, One of those nights till 7pm so we can have dinner together & every other weekend.
The youngest started in on DH when we first started dating & they knew of me ( I met them after a couple of months into the relationship) that if we got married we could have a baby. It was his mantra till I got pregnant the first time. The oldest was a little harder sell, what actually helped is his mom's BF has a baby that was about 2 months old when she started dating him. Being around this baby made him realize it would be kind of cool to have one.
So us having a baby was never really an issue with the kids and was up to us. I go online weekly with the boys & we follow the babies growth. When I go to have the u/s to tell us the sex we are taking the boys with. ( their mother approved this ) My only fear is when they ask how the baby comes out... I am not sure of the age correct answer yet. They are smart & have asked many questions recently about the baby that I lost and I gave them the straight story...modified for little people.
We always refer to it as OUR baby not SM's baby and I think that is helpful as well. DH has told them that we will not be refering to baby as 1/2 sister ect...and their mother understands & agrees.
I think that if you want to have a baby with your spouse that is your decision, you are the adult, they are the children. However there are ways to make the children feel apart of it and I think they need to feel that way.
The kids won't be your problem.
When my husband and I had our daughter, my son was 5 and my skids were SS7, SD10 and SD12. The kids were all fine with it. They were excited and enthusiastic and we had no problems with any of them. It was a harder adjustment for my son, because he lived with us and had to deal with sharing his parents with a crying baby, which he'd never had to do before. He was an only child for the first five years of his life. My skids, whom we had every other weekend for visitation, weren't quite as affected. They were used to having siblings. We had very minor problems with the kids. They all handled it great and loved having a new baby sister, for the most part.
My skids' mother, however, went berserk. That was when the real hell of dealing with her began for us. It started with screaming, irate phone calls with lots of cursing and threats. Then she wouldn't allow visitation with the skids. And within a month of finding out I was pregnant, my husband had been served with papers to go back to court over child support. (If he has enough money to have babies with YOU, then he should be giving that money to ME for OUR kids. "We were married for nine years and he has an obligation," she said, and that's a direct quote. She didn't seem to get that his "obligation" was the CS amount as decided by the courts, not as decided by her.) She found out I was pregnant on a Friday. She was in her lawyer's office on Monday. Since then, she has been successful in alienating my husband from his kids' lives and pretty much ruining every family experience we try to have with them. She was horribly jealous and still is. We have no regrets about having had our daughter, but believe me, the ex didn't make it easy. She totally ruined my pregnancy. I actually ended up in the hospital due to all the stress.
I think if you're going to do it, then do it, but understand that doing so COULD set the BM off and cause a change for the worse. Also, if your husband is still having problems establishing or enforcing boundaries with her, this isn't going to make that problem any easier to deal with. It could escalate. You two should probably come to a meeting of the minds on how to deal with his ex-wife before you conceive, but I'm sure you probably already know this. Having kids disrupts your life (duh!) and so does having stepkids. It's definitely a balancing act. My mom gave me this advice about having children... if you wait until the timing is perfect or you think you finally have enough money, you'll never have kids. If it's what you both want, then do it and the rest will come around one way or another.
~ Anne ~
Thanks, I hadn't thought of the effect on child at home
Thanks Anne, helpful comments and I think you're right, it's harder for the child at home. I feel guilty about not really liking my stepdaughter very much. She's cold and unappreciative of anything I try to do for her. It's just one of those things and I try my hardest. Because of my guilt, I find myself paying too much attention to her needs - sometimes ahead of my own daughter's.
How did the ex ruin your pregnancy? By not letting your skids come around? By calling?
I seem to have the opposite problem to everyone else with an ex who wants my husband to take their daughter all the time so that she can have "free" time. I can't see her keeping her daughter away.
I totally agree about the boundaries and timing and have set myself a six month to a year goal of seeing if he can stick to the new boundaries regarding phone calls.
I appreciate your input!
She ruined my pregnancy by
She ruined my pregnancy by taking him back to court for more child support. All the stress associated with a protracted court battle really did a number on me. Even though we won in court, the process was a nightmare. The constant phone calls, even late at night, not letting us have the kids, telling the kids that we wouldn't want them around once the baby was born, sending hateful emails, that kind of thing. Then there was the stress of digging up money to pay for an attorney, driving four hours one-way to go to every hearing or to meet with our lawyer... it was just very stressful. We should have been able to enjoy that time together, but instead we were worried about what would happen in court.
You know, having a baby together really did help me bond with my skids more, at least before their mother interfered and ruined it. It gave me a relationship with them that I hadn't had before, because I became the mother of their sister. It gave us a little more of a connection and I really started feeling like my skids were just three more of OUR kids, rather than just HIS kids or my STEPkids. Also, my husband eventually adopted my son, so I no longer see his children as my stepchildren, but as my children's brother and sisters. It put a different spin on our relationship, made us all feel more connected. Unfortunately, it didn't last, but not because of the kids. I hope you guys have better luck.
~ Anne ~
Our kids were happy!
In my case, SD was really happy as was my son and at the time my son was 10 and SD was 9. I don't think it will be that big of a deal. So good luck in making the right decision.
Julie (31)
Bio-Children - Son under 1 with BF, Son age 11 from previous relationship.
BF - Son under 1 our's together, Daughter age 20 from prior marriage, son age 14 & daughter age 10 from previous relationship.