This isn’t what I pictured
I am 52 years old and mom to two children, ages 31 and 28, along with a two year old grandson. I recently married my husband who has two girls, ages 14 and 16. Boy did I underestimate how hard this journey was going to be.
My husband's ex is pretty high conflict and controlling. It seems as though she blames me for my husband communicating less with her and generally targets me for that. When the girls are at the home they seem as though they are afraid to like me in any way for fear that would betray their mom. She insists on communicating with them the entire time they are with her father and I. Since we married it has escalated and the girls are now distant and cold to both their dad and myself. I feel guilty, angry, sad and tired of the constant stress and have no clue if there is anything I can do to help this situation. Any words I say get twisted to make me appear like the step monster.
We suspect parental alienation is going on and honestly don't know how to move forward without damaging the children in the process. Has anyone else been in this type of situation. I could use some teal talk and honest feedback.
Yes, it sounds like parental
Yes, it sounds like parental alienation and it's not your fault (or DH's). The best you can do is step back and disengage from the kids - be polite and pleasant but don't interact with them much otherwise. Sometimes, at a certain age, they start refusing to come over at all.
Your husband has to still be the parent and address their poor behavior in the home. It's tempting to fall into trying to please them and win them over, but that won't help; it will damage their respect for him as a father and lead to a dynamic where they only speak to him when they want something.
My SS20 was completely alienated from us by age 15, we saw him twice in three years, and he generally refused to speak to DH until he was 18.5. It was a rough road. Don't blame yourself and don't let DH sink into the trap of believing he's the awful parent that BM says he is. It's just her way of continuing to abuse and control him via the kids.
Focus on living as happily as possible and thriving despite the stress. BM wants to destroy your marraige - don't let her.
Thank you. I have such a
Thank you. I have such a heavy guilt about the strain on the relationship with the SDs and their father. It's hard to feel like it's not your fault. Disengaging seems to be the only way to preserve both my sanity and our marriage.
I know, I cried many a night,
I know, I cried many a night, feeling like if I wasn't around, BM wouldn't be alienating SS. But in the end, DH chose to leave BM, and him being with ANY woman would have caused BM to alienate SS. I am grateful that she never targeted me, that helped. And it was incredibly stressful to deal with - but DH never backed down from being a parent to SS and he did his best to not let it affect me.
He's still sad at how much damage BM has caused SS emotionally (SS is still totally enmeshed with BM), but he's happy to still have a loving wife. BM causes little drama for us now, but only because DH sets clear boundaries on her. That's essential, too.
Honestly - if you feel this life isn't for you, there's no shame in that, either.
And that hits the nail on the
And that hits the nail on the head! You could be Mother Theresa and BM would find an issue with you and still blame you. It's not your fault at all. Maybe one day (myself included) our SKs will realize how controlling and manipulative their mothers are... or sadly, maybe not. But just be at peace with none of it is caused by you. BM tens to do all the damage themselves
Saddest part
I feel for you. I think the saddest part is that most stepmoms go into the situation with good intentions. I cant think of anyone on here who seemed to go into it wanting conflict. When that happens, it is difficult to accept when we wanted something so different.
It is sad, isn't it?
For all the sterotypical evil stepmother hoopla that is in society, I (in my personal experience) have never met a stepmother who entered their relationship with the intent to cause drama or conflict. It seems to be a common thread that the stepmoms went in thinking/hoping/expecting for some sort of acceptance or even a family type vibe.
I think it's a shock to most SM's when, despite their intentions and efforts, that they are seen as the issue. And that any disscord is associated with their presence, as though everything would be fine and dandy if only they weren't around. A tough thing to reconcile.
I feel for all the SM's (or steps in general) who want to do the right thing but everything they do is vilified.
Welcome to the site!
I was in a similar situation to you - I moved in with my DH when I was 45 and I already had two daughters who were then aged 21 and 19. At the time, DH's daughters were 5 and 7, and I thought to myself, how hard can this be, I've already raised two daughters successfully! I was about to step into a world of PAS, and drama creation by the very high conflict BM, who made my life pretty much hell for over a decade.
I think tog redux gave you very good advice and I can't add much, except to emphasise that it isn't either of your faults and your husband shouldn't try to win his daughters back by compromising his integrity and his boundaries. My two SDs have, in the last few years, started to show signs that they know what shit their mother peddled about us all those years, and have been quite a bit better generally, including to me - but it has taken until their mid 20s. You and DH may have a long wait.
Thank God I am not alone in this experience
I am so grateful for each of you who took the time to encourage me. I actually started counseling to get through this because it has been affecting my health and I felt like I was going to lose my mind.
Counseling was a Godsend
I started counseling during my early steplife when everything seemed to be going downhill at top speed. 5 kids involved. It was a life-changing experience with long-lasting positive effects on all 7 of us. You made a good decision.
I had the same ,,, i was in
I had the same ,,, i was in SS life since he was 4,,, he is now 12 . During this whole time his mother would alienate him against me and it never allowed us to form a bond. I could see this kid alwasy felt conflicted about what his mum was brainwashing him with and the nice lady who did things with him (me),, he was alwasy confused about how he should feel. I dont doubt this had a hand in ending my relationship with his father 8 years later. The kid become very disrepectful to me even though i was the nice stable figure in his life. I always wore the brunt of the kids emotions even though it nothing to do with my actions,, it was purely his mum didnt want him to like me in any way and i know to this day that the kid blames me for his mummy and daddy not being together even though they split long before i came along .
What motivates a successful
What motivates a successful parent who has raised their own children to successful viable adulthood to reset and dive back into parenting while tying the boat anchor of SParenting around their own neck and trying to save the progeny of a failed family?
If the new partner will not put the marriage and their partner as priority above all else and establish and enforce standards of performance and behavior for their failed family children the odds of success for the adult relationship at the heart of the blended family marriage are slim and none.
Though I would never say never, in the tragic event I would find myself a widower, the odds of me entering a marriage with anyone with any children at all much less someone with minor children would be a surprising event.
Anyone who would tolerate ill behaved crap from their children is not worthy to be the equity life partner of anyone of quality. Particularly someone who has successfully raised their own children.
IMHO of course.