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Immature SD 10

JustHere2012's picture

I am happy to find this site. I would like to vent about some things that I need feedback on. I need to know, am I totally right about my feelings on these things? Or am I the one who is wrong?

SD is 10 and doesn't act like it. I don't think it is normal for a 10 year old girl to hold daddy's hand constantly. When we go out in public, go to grocery store, or whatever, she holds his hand the whole time. She has been known to push in front of me to do so. It pisses me off. I mean, that's affection that is okay to show a toddler, but not a 10 year old girl, especially when he should be holding MY hand. He never does. He favors holding HER hand. It is making me crazy. AM I wrong for this? One day they were strolling through the mall, holding hands, and one of her classmates from school saw it, pointed, and laughed. Hubby said, "why are you getting mad about us holding hands?" and I told him it was because she is too old and that kid was making fun of her. He saw no problem with his action.

There are times he goes into her room and lays in bed with her and snuggles and talks. I find that very inappropriate for a man to EVER lay down and cuddle with a 10 year old daughter.

She always wants to sit in his lap, etc.

When I was 10, I would have been HUMILIATED if my dad tried to hold my hand or cuddle! By that age, I was showing early signs of puberty (she is, too), and didn't want to be seen doing "kid" things.

Am I wrong? Also, he shows her much more affection than he EVER does me. He rarely makes time to cuddle with me or hold my hand. I feel that as his wife, I should be getting more.

I think their relationship is weird and inappropriate. He has never taught her about bounderies or body privacy, and even bathed her until she was 9!! I quizzed her the other day. I said, "let's pretend you went to a friend's house, and her dad asked you to sit in his lap. Would you do it?" she said yes. I said, "Okay. Let's say the parents ask you to take a shower. The dad says it's okay for you to change your clothes after your shower with him in the room. Would you do it?" and she said yes!!! She doesn't get it!

I tried talking to her about everything but she is acting babyish STILL. I told her that I saw that kid from school laughing at her for holding her dad's hand, and she said, "Well, I just like holding daddy's hand." I told her that kids would make fun of her for that. She didn't care.

She is VERY immature. She doesn't even brush her teeth or brush her hair without being reminded. She doesn't use toilet paper most of the time and I'm still finding skid marks in her underwear.

I just don't know how to handle this, and hubby doesn't see his daughter's behavior as weird. So what do I do?

RedWingsFan's picture

Welcome! I just found this site recently too and what a sanity saver it's already been!

My SD14 was the same way. I met DH when SD was 11. She did ALL of the above mentioned things and even spooned with her dad on the floor watching tv. Would hold his hand fingers interlaced like in a lover's lock. ALWAYS had to sit on him or right up near him, even at the dinner table!

I mentioned it to DH after I saw them laying on the floor together, her butt in his crotch area, back to his front, she grabbed his hand and pulled his arm over top of hers, interlaced fingers and held him close to her during us all watching a movie. He was honestly clueless and hadn't thought that it could be perceived as inappropriate until I pointed out how he'd feel if he saw another grown man laying with his 11 yr old girl like that?

Once he got it, it was like a light bulb went off and he immediately sat her down and told her that since she was now growing up into a young lady, those types of physical connections were inappropriate for a daddy and daughter to share. Those types of physical behaviors were more suited to a couple, not father/daughter.

She got pissed, cried, whined and pitched a fit (much like she does for everything that doesn't go her way) then blamed me for "taking her spot with her dad". Ok, well, I'll take that! I AM his wife now, he needs to be showing that type of affection towards me.

I think what enforced her behavior was when DH moved out of the mom's home and filed for divorce, he got himself an apartment just up the road and involved SD in setting everything up. So, she started taking on the role of gf or mini-wife, if you will. She helped him decorate the apartment, picked out furniture, shower curtains, dishes, etc. She was setting up house and thought it would always be just her and her dad until I came along and ruined it all for her. She has resented me ever since.

My suggestion to you is family counseling. We went through it too, yes. My SD turns 14 tomorrow and still acts, talks, dresses and behaves like a 10 yr old. But the counselor was able to drill home the fact that physical interaction between daddy and daughter like that was inappropriate on all levels.

I don't quite understand your DH's lack of affection toward you. That may be something you two would have to work on with the help of the therapist as well. Has he always been that way or is it just around the daughter? Maybe he feels like he's betraying her when he shows you affection and not her? I don't know but I'd be very concerned if he honestly doesn't see how inappropriate they're behaving!

Good luck!

StickAFork's picture

You sound pretty jealous of this girl. I'd bet that is where most of this is coming from. How would you feel if she was your daughter holding daddy's hand? You keep comparing her to you. He should hold MY hand. He should snuggle with ME.
So, instead of focusing on why he is doing these things with her, focus on why he ISN'T doing them with you. I think that would be much more productive than getting pissy over her.
Maybe she's immature. Maybe she's not. I don't know.

As far as brushing hair and teeth, perhaps you can set up a chart of "daily reminders" for her... hair, teeth, make bed, do homework, etc.

But being married to a whiny woman will not endear your DH to you and make him want to be more affectionate with you. Jus' sayin.'

JustHere2012's picture

Jealousy ain't it. I'm concerned for her development. Kids at school already make fun of her for "acting like a baby" and quite frankly, I'm concerned that she's not acting anywhere close to her age. It isn't normal for a 10 year old not to wupe herself after she does #2.

Do you find it okay that, the other day, her friend next door came over and asked SD to play, but SD told friend "no, I'm snuggling with daddy right now." You find that normal?

StickAFork's picture

Again, I'd suggest you really take a look at your motivations.
He should do that with MEEEE...he should do that with MEEEE...

How often does SD see her father?

JustHere2012's picture

I'm NOT JEALOUS. I'm comparing her actions because the kind of affection he is showing his daughter is that that you show your girlfriend or wife, not a child. You find it okay for her to sit on his lap, with her butt up against his crotch, while he strokes her hair and kisses all over her face? I do NOT find that normal and I'm concerned for her development.

And I'm supposed to be okay with the fact that he doesn't show me any affection whatsoever? That he isn't working right now, yet expects me to do all of the housework, cooking, and cleaning while he watches tv, and all I ask in return is a little affection? Do you know there are times I was already holding his hand and he said, "I think I'll go snuggle with SD now." I walk in the room and they're SPOONING. That is inappropriate.

SD lives with us! She sees him all the time!

StickAFork's picture

If you think you're married to an incestuous pedophile, nothing I can say will help you. There are much, MUCH bigger issues to be dealt with...preferably by the authorities.
Since you're married to this man, and I have to assume you're not totally insane, you wouldn't be married to him if you thought he was, in fact, and incestuous pedophile.

Operating on that assumption, you cannot "ask" for affection "in return" for working, cooking and cleaning. Affection is something that is freely given by the giver because they WANT to. Instead of focusing on everything you think SD/he is doing that you don't like, why not stop and think about why your DH is CHOOSING not to be affectionate with you. I think the answers you're looking for will be hidden there.

RedWingsFan's picture

I saw it right away when I first met my now SD. She had an unnatural attachment to her "daddddddddy" and behaved like a baby. She whined, cried, threw tantrums. Nothing like what a normal 11 yr old girl would act like. She'll be 14 tomorrow but I swear, you'd never know it by looking at or observing her.

DH didn't realize it but he definitely put her in a gf/wife role and she ate it up!

ownedbypedro's picture

My step SON was like that at 14 and would actually SNUGGLE with his father - it was beyond disgusting! The kid literally replaced me in sitting with dh and any and all conversations.

Skid is 38 now and there is still nobody like his daaaaddddddddyyyyyy (which is totally FAKE by the way, he is only after what he can get out of his father).

RedWingsFan's picture

Oh definitely! We tried to get SD into martial arts after she totally bawled cuz DH pulled a band aid off her leg. She's the wimpiest kid I've ever met. Cries at the drop of a hat, total attention whore, and if things don't go her way, oh look out! Full on temper tantrum at 13!

The martial arts thing lasted a whopping 2 sessions and they let her quit because she said she didn't like it. Ok, I stayed out of that.

And she's not coming over our place any more (for over a month now) either. BM plays right into her b.s.

RedWingsFan's picture

SHE is the "woman" of the house????? OMG he's got serious issues! Yes, that's definitely creepy. Talk about "daddy issues", seems like they feed off each other in total dysfunction!

Wow. Sorry you had to go through that. I almost called it quits with my DH about 6 mos into our relationship when she pitched a fit about him kissing me goodbye. This was a simple kiss, not a make out session, as I left his apartment to go home one evening. She called a "family meeting" between him, her and her mother discussing how inappropriate it was for him and I to show affection toward each other in front of her! Ok, we'd been dating for 6 mos and shared a kiss goodbye and the world is ending? She pitched such a fit that he initially agreed to back off the PDA with me in front of her. When he told me of their little family meeting (which was a horrible idea to begin with!), and what they all agreed on how OUR relationship should change - I looked square into his eyes and said "well, I'm glad your CHILD and EX WIFE control OUR relationship and if you want to abide by THEIR rules, find someone else!"

He immediately realized he was still under their control and marched his happy ass back to her place and let them have it. She's since tried other things with him (like saying if DH and I didn't stop holding hands or having sex in our own room during her visits, she'd never come over again), but he's shot her down. Thank God, or I never would've married this guy!

He's grown a lot and has broken free from their rule. It's very refreshing to see!

RedWingsFan's picture

I don't think your situation has anything to do with jealousy at all. It has everything to do with inappropriate behavior between a father and daughter and needs to be addressed as such.

As far as the lack of intimacy between you and DH, that needs to be addressed separately. Again, has it always been that way or ???? Seems like if he JUST started withholding affection from you and showering SD with it, something had to have occurred?

There's a lot we don't know, and we're just strangers on an internet board. Seek counseling or a professional opinion. There seriously needs to be some sort of intervention here before things get out of hand between him and SD.

Just my 2 cents!

Willow2010's picture

My DH and SS held hands up until SS was about 13ish. It was pretty weird to me too. But DH was only seeing the kid every few weeks. Still weird to me.
I remember walking through the mall too and that is when I noticed then holding hands and told DH that was weird and he should stop and that if SS’s friends saw him holding daddys hand at the mall they would make fun of him. DH said he did not care what other people think…but…the hand holding stopped shortly after that. Lol

Even this past Christmas…I took a picture of DH and SS. When DH saw me about to take the picture, he grabbed SS and hugged him close. (18 year old SS) I told DH I just wanted a picture of them standing next to each other and not making out. LOL.

Orange County Ca's picture

Gee if someone was to take a picture of my and my 40 something son I'd put my arm around him.

I think one thing that has been forgotten in the discussion is that these kids are very insecure. One parent or another has ridden off for unfathomable reasons and the fear of losing the second one is very high and very very frightning.

Most of us who have not experienced the loss have no idea how deeply scary that is. A 10 yo is a totally helpless being in a scary world and already 1/2 of the support group is gone. Hanging on to a life preserver as if ones life depended on it seems far more normal if taken in contaxt.

Don't most of them outgrow it - maybe a few years later in life - but outgrow it non-the-less? Does Daddy end up bedding his "new wife". I doubt it. I agree with others that there is a lot of jealously riding through out all of this.