I totally get the feelings of resentment in regards to time and attention.

I heavily lean towards attachment parenting. I was that way with my 23 year old son when he was an infant/toddler. Forming a strong bond through healthy, attentive attachment is just the way I mother.

In the beginning with skid, when she was young, I felt I had a lot to offer her in way of a healthy and loving relationship, until BM ruined that and NO ONE stood-up for me. It was at that point I knew I would never love, care, or be motherly to her the way I am to my bios.

You gave birth three months ago- those post-birth hormones may still be trying to adjust so no wonder you are struggling with your emotions.
Your emotions and feelings are valid- so you can't be right or wrong about them, accept what they are. Your SD is your DH's child,not yours. You may have to support him in practical ways but you cannot 'pretend' to have feelings you don't. I would relax, try not to be something you aren't but be more honest about what you are. And enjoy being a new mum-it won't last long!

Not only is it natural what you are feeling, but it's normal also. Unfortunately society assumes that women should have natural maternal instincts towards children, and that's not really true.

You’re feelings are perfectly normal. I’ve been a SM now for 10 years to SS12 and SS11 so I’ve raised my skids (equal custody with BM) since they were both in nappies. Both view me as their third parent; however I’ve just never been able to bond with my SD.

In the beginning I faked everything with regards to my interactions with the skids. While I was drowning in resentment and there intrusion in my life, I was actively involved in their raising and showing them a lot of care and attention.

Eventually (and it took a very long time) I got there with my stepson – not in the way I imagine a bio parent loves their child but I do love him, he’s a nice kid. But I just never got there with my SD – in fact the older she gets the less I like her. I feel constantly guilty about lying to her ie telling her I love her when I don’t even like her and pretending to care when she talks and hugging her when I don’t want to be anywhere near here but there’s just nothing I can do about it. You can’t make yourself like someone that you just don’t like.

And here’s the thing, the older kids get the more they know whether you’re being genuine. My SD has accused me many times of favouring her brother and being overly critical of her and she’s right. I much prefer her brother and I can’t stand the way she acts – everything about her irritates me and clashes with the traits I value in people. As a result, we have more friction these days but we are also having more honest conversations as well.

The thing about kids better understanding if you’re genuine is by this point they can also better understand the role they play. So I now focus on explaining to my SD how different her and I are and when two people have a clash of values (as her and I do) it requires compromise on both sides to get along. Some of this is slowly getting through I think as she has made some very small changes to her behaviour to accommodate my views. It’s baby steps for now and I know that there is plenty more friction to come with the teenage years. I also know that I’ll probably never like her much as she just has far too many traits I find abhorrent (she’s just like BM) but I’ll keep on trying and there will be good days and bad days.

I’m due to have a baby boy in June this year (my first and only child given it took 7 horrible years of trying to get here) so I’m interested to see how the new addition to our blended family impacts the dynamics. So far the skids are really exciting so I’m hoping for the best.

dont sweat the small stuff And be sure to teach the little one to read and write!

Hmm. Interesting dilemma.

A few thoughts:

Over here in NL, kids are not taught to read until age 6. Some kids are probably interested and can learn some stuff earlier, but if they aren't, they aren't pushed. So the spending time teaching SD to read and write is not really something that I, personally, would care about at all. And when BS reaches the same age as SD is now, who knows what he'll be interested in! It's really not worth it to push kids into doing stuff they aren't interested in or ready for, beyond the next reasonable step (like of course you teach table manners, but you don't start out having tea with the Queen of England, you start out discouraging playing with food and wait for them to have teeth before asking them to chew, you know?!)

Parents don't love their own biokids equally, and it's a pretty dumb parent (IMO) who tries to treat all their children equally. Kids aren't equal. If you gave birth to triplets, one with Down Syndrome, one with autism, and one gifted, would you even consider trying to treat them exactly the same? So add in the fact that you are not the mom of SD, that you met her when you were younger and she was already a toddler, that you are not who you were then and when BS is her age you will not be who you are now either.... give up. Treat them as you think is best, according to their needs and yours.

I am totally bonded with my BD. She doesn't sleep in our bed when she has bad dreams. There is very little connection between loving someone and specific parenting practices or choices. It's all a balance between who you are and who the child is, and not about love.

I love my BD, and that is why I am patient with her. It is hard work, but that's the parent she needs.

It's great that your DH supports you being a parental figure to SD, but maybe you need to do that on your own terms. Maybe you just need to develop your own sense of yourself as a parent rather than following your DH's 'pushes'.

Personally, I'd just have basic limits for now anyway. With a new baby, there's enough going on for you atm.

Sunshine- I've followed your posts for a long time and can definitely relate, though we don't have SD full time (rather 50%) and am often so relieved about that... because like you, I've beaten myself up over this feeling. Your situation seems heightened by the fact that your SD has an absentee biomom. I have to say, you've been nearly heroic in your care for your stepdaughter. Your actions show love even if you don't feel it (or not in the way you feel it now for your son.)

In our situation BM is controlling and involved, doting, spoiling even, and acts like SD's best friend, so it is so baffling to me in a way that SD still seems to crave maternal love from me. SD's quick to dismiss me if mom's around or offering something better. But she still seems to want reassurance that I love her the same as my other two, she still wants my full attention when she's here. When she has a day off school and I'm off work (if DH is working) she wants me to ditch them at daycare and do "special" things with her. She reminisces about the "good old times" when it was "just the 3 of us,"- her, DH and me- prior to us having kids. I guess this is just how it is - kids wanting adult affection and attention? She's 10 and I've known her since she was 3. She was coddled and babied so I figured her attention seeking was sort of just immaturity and the way she'd been parented through a divorce. But maybe this is just the way a child relates to an adult who has some power in her life. Sometimes I get frustrated that she costs me so much more than she gives back. But it was never her job to give anything to me. Maybe your SD realizes how significant you are in her life- so she jockeys for position to try to remain in your good graces, if anything out of self-preservation, if not out of genuine affection and love for you?

Partly I just think having your own kids after being a stepmom is so much more exponentially rewarding that it's hard not to contrast the experiences. In my experience this is not just "postpartum hormones" - our kids are 3 and 2 now- the feeling doesn't change a lot.

The feelings you describe, of actually looking forward to spending quality time teaching your child something, cuddling them when they're sick, or waking up at night with them - those get stronger the older your child gets. I feel not only obligation but also excitement, joy, contentment when I do those things with my little ones. Unfortunately those feelings never come with SD though I try to remain present and involved and appearing interested in spending time with her. She is a good kid, it just doesn't "do anything" for me, the parenting of her. I truly wish I felt some genuine joy in her presence. It's really hard pretending. It would be super hard never to have a break from that.

I agree that you can't show your son less love or affection just to spare SDs feelings. You have to keep on keeping on- love your son the way that feels natural and continue making an effort to love your SD the way she'd like to be/needs to be loved. You're not wrong for feeling the way you do. You're a mother to one of your children, and a stepmother to the other. Apples and oranges. Also, I know stepparents who claim to love their skids and bios equally but at this point I believe that has more to do with temperament and luck than anything else. I've met friends of SD's who I could absolutely fall in love with- because I love their personalities. Meanwhile my good friend has a stepson I don't think I could ever love- she struggles with it too- he's just weird and hard to like. What can you do?

Just wanted you to know someone out here knows exactly what you're struggling with and thinks you're doing a great job.

What I wouldn't have given for the opportunity to be accepted as a "parent" for my SS's who are now 17 & 19. I've lost total interest in being part of this mix. Having kids of my own just wasn't in the cards. Plus when (if) they get married, have kids... I'll be at the back of the line again. I'll be more of a grand-parent to my nieces kids I think. What a wonderful world. Crapshoot.