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I'm a SM, but this isn't really about step parenting, hope you don't mind

Tara456's picture

OH is friends with a group of nice guys, they meet up a few times a month socially. Sometimes partners join them, I've always liked their partners.

One friend is very recently divorced. Upon separating he began a new relationship within weeks. From the outset of the separation and before any woman came along, I was really worried that this air of desperation he gave off would be trouble for him, but I thought hey, he might just meet someone nice.  But the new woman is the problem.

After she started turning up at the guys-only meetups (which I found very peculiar), I eventually met her. She was dressed like a hooker and behaved in a very OTT way.  Since then, there have been several group occasions where she gushingly rushes forward to hug my OH when we walk into a room, and ignores me standing right behind him. My OH begged me to go round theirs for an evening drink, I really didn't want to but I agreed to do it for him and the importance of his friendship, and also I suppose my friendship with his friend (we had supported him a lot during his divorce where he was gutted).  

That evening the new woman virtually blanked me the whole evening. It was just four of us in the room, she spoke only to my partner. It was so weird, like something in some deranged movie. She sat stroking her partner whilst her eyes were permanently fixed on my OH. Every time she asked him something and he mentioned me, like "oh yes, we did that, that was Tara's idea", whereas anybody normal would probably turn their head and ask me something or extend the topic, she didn't move her head one bit and changed the subject.

I was boiling mad inside and eventually my hints landed on my utterly oblivious OH and we left.

Since then, we've come across her twice and she's been the same. I've noticed she's one of those women who only has eyes for all the men in the room, she blanked the other partners on one occasion too. She is incredibly loud and fawns and drapes herself all over the men in the room and ignores the women. My OH's other friends seem to have the measure of her and have tended to keep her at arm's distance, but my OH and her partner are especially good friends and she seems to have latched onto my OH in a way that I really don't feel comfortable with.

Now, my partner is a bit oblivious to many things - this woman's behaviour, his kid's behaviour, what is going on in the street etc. So I don't think his "what? I didn't notice" is really anything to worry about, as I've found out, that really is just him.  But this woman has now moved in with our friend, it seems she's a permanent fixture, and everyone is talking about more and more meet ups, dinner parties, and evening us all going away abroad together and renting a villa.

I honestly cannot think of anything worse. I don't want to spend a second in this awful woman's company. A party is on the horizon and I am already dreading it. Any holiday with her would be hell. My partner says he doesn't like her, finds her very loud and is worried for his friend but doesn't think he should say anything (family members apparently told them they thought he was jumping in too early and too much with this woman but it ended up in a massive row so nobody says anything any more). The pressure is on me to join in all these events for the sake of my OH and his friend, and the group but I dread it.

I don't know what to do.

 

 

GrabitAndGo's picture

Since I'm a woman I can say this:  women can be predatory and they can be territorial.  Get territorial.  The next time she comes rushing up to give your OH a big hug, step in front of him, hold up your hand and tell her, "No, no" or "Down, girl, down!"  If she manages to get to him before you can run interference, tap her on the arm and ask her in an icily polite way to act like a lady get her grubby paws off your OH.  

You can also go directly to the friend and tell him you're not comfortable with how affectionate she is with your OH, and could he ask her to tone it down.  

I've been around women like this and they drive me insane.  I've got guy friends I've known for years.  Whenever they've started dating someone I've gone out of my way to include their new companions, and make it clear I'm a friend ONLY, and NOT romantic competition.  

susanm's picture

"Put your tits away, sweetie.  We've all gotten a good look at them already and you are far too old for that outfit."  :)  Yes, I actually said that once.  I am pretty sure her mouth is still hanging open.  LOL

GrabitAndGo's picture

Now that's FUNNY!  I'm sure she deserved it, though.  Some women don't understand people staring at their boobs isn't always a compliment.  

susanm's picture

Thanks.  I thought it was pretty amusing!  She just stood there with her mouth gaping almost as wide as her cleavage.  Yes, it was catty but I was getting very tired of trying to make eye contact with other people without her nearly completely exposed boobs in the way.  And it was not like I didn't know what I was talking about.  Outsized breasts on a small frame run in my family and I learned from a very early age how to keep those puppies under control in polite society!  LOL

Tara456's picture

I'd love to say that. The thing is my OH's friend who she's now latched on to (they've gone beyond moving in together, they've purchased a house now, I can't believe it) isn't that close to me. It's all very much a loose group of friends, and I only got to know him more when we were there to pick him up during his divorce.

He doesn't know I can't bear his partner. Well, I haven't told him and neither has my OH. What he may have picked up on is that I never said "ooh, isn't she lovely!" after I met her for the first time, and the last time we were all together (after all in the incidents where she blanked me) when we were all leaving and he said "you two really must come over again" I didn't exactly hide my discomfort, I semi-smiled and looked down, didn't even manage a polite "yes, that would be nice". Didn't even manage a nod. 

I'm waiting for the time when he approaches me and asks what I think of his new girlfriend. I won't say how every second in her presence is hell on earth, but I might say something else... either "it's not important what I think..." (which gets the message across, doesn't it?). If I blatantly tell him she's awful and what the hell was he thinking, I think he might just get upset.

TwoOfUs's picture

lol. 

My DH and I work in the arts, and there was a young "actress" who was constantly messaging and texting my DH for advice. (when I say young...she was probably 26 or 27 and I was 30 or 31...but she acted far younger than I did) 

It was fawning. And then a couple times she actually called/texted at 2 and 3 in the morning. My DH is a heavy sleeper, and it didn't wake him up...so I know he wasn't responding to these late-night messages. But it did wake me up, so I knew she was trying to get in touch with my DH in the middle of the night. 

Now, this young lady had lost her father (I had lost mine at a similar age). So I felt for her. But I ended up sending her a message almost in a fake-solicitous way...telling her that it didn't look good for her to be calling and texting a married man at all hours of the night...and that if she found herself in need of a father-figure she should reach out to an uncle, pastor, or trusted friend rather than my husband. 

She never responded...but she didn't message my husband any more, either. 

susanm's picture

I would talk to the other women in the group.  Chances are that all of them are feeling various levels of the same way.  My guess is that she is targeting at least one of the other men just as hard when your DH is not around.  If all of you flatly tell your sppuses that you have no intention of continuing to spend your limited free time with this woman then that should eliminate the majority of plans.  Especially going away and renting villas!  Can you even imagine her behavior with overnights, drinking, and skimpy swimwear?  Sounds like something out of a movie.  LOL  Your friend may be clueless and some of the husbands may be enjoying her attention but certainly some of them will respond to their wives reasonable objections to a clearly predatory cartoon character.

Tara456's picture

I wish I could but we're not that close. I have met them less than a handful of times since I've known OH, I like them but we all lead very different lives, and I only meet them when our partners have organised a get together. 

On one occasion we all met as our partners doing something together. We all met at another of the wive's house. When the men left I rejoined two of the wives, thanked the host etc. The new woman slobbered all over her man then drove off. Not a word of thanks to our host, not even a hello or goodbye to any of us. They made some comment about does she have far to drive, and there was something in the air - I felt that they didn't know if I liked her and didn't want to say anything, and I didn't know either. 

Because OH's friends is closest to OH, he's the one who his friend keeps calling up and wanting to meet up with most of all, which then means me too. He used to come round to our home and chill out fairly often and I know he loved it, and he keeps referring to recreating that feeling but this time with his new woman, and I can't imaging anything worse. Just writing it makes me tense. I don't want her anywhere near our home, me, my OH, or this group of friends. 

As you say, going away and renting a villa with her would be absolutely unbearable.

susanm's picture

The only way to get to know them is to talk to them.  Do you really think that they are not thinking the same things?  One of you has to break the ice.  The smallest comment will likely open up the floor and once you all know where you stand it will be far easier to more forcefully shut her down when she is inappropriate.

There is an expression here in the American South.  "Bless her heart."  Basically it is said and let to hang in the air to be interpreted.  It can mean anything from "she is rather slow, isn't she?" to "that b*tch needs to fall in a hole."  There must be a similar version over in the UK.  Just use that and see what the response is from the other women.  And who knows.  You may get to know them better and make some friends!

ldvilen's picture

Ah!--the infamous woman where all the women in the room instantly know she is basically nothing but a manipulative skank, but all the men in the room think she is "great," simply because she appears to hang on their every word and has a pretty face and/or big teats.  When questioned about it, most men think she is really not all the bad and the other women are just jealous.  These types of women are a big pain in the butt because the men are blinded by the woman's over-the-top sexuality, while the rest of the women can clearly see what a predatory, competitive be.atch she is.

 Somewhere along the way this woman learned to see her sexuality as a weapon and a way to conquer.  She may actually have very low self-esteem or abuse in her background, and she doesn't feel she can succeed any other way other than to use her "gifts."  She winds up manipulating men because she has long since figured out, a pretty face and big teats don't go very far with women.  She is histrionic and needs to be the center of attention at all times, or she feels she has somehow failed.  She can also be very dangerous.  She won't hesitate to use her sexuality to get what she wants.  Her sexuality is all she has, as far as she is concerned, and she has honed her use of it to a tee.

The best thing to do with a woman like this is to do what you would do with any type of predator--avoid them.  You can try to take her on, so to speak, but she will take this as a 1:1 challenge, and she knows how to use her sexuality in a way far beyond most women, and she has very little, if any, filter.  Most women find something else to focus on throughout their lives--their kids, their careers--and so on.  For this women, it is all about her sexuality, obliterating the competition and winning,

Both you and your partner should keep any interactions with this woman to a minimum.  She sees herself as a tigress and everyone else in the room as prey, especially women.  If your partner says he doesn't like her and finds her very loud, this shouldn't be all that difficult.  Whatever you do, do not, I repeat, do not go on vacay or any other long-extended stays with this woman.  You will never enjoy yourself.  Whenever this woman is around it HAS to be all about her, or she feels she has lost.  The only thing worse than spending an hour or two feeling like prey to a tiger is spending a whole day or weekend or week feeling like one.  Your SO has no right to ask you to put up with that or suck it up and take it just for his buddy.

P.S.  There are some men who will exclaim that they don't really like this type of woman, but in some ways they are actually fascinated by her in a sort of sexual/ watching a train wreck type of way.  They think they can handle it; very often they cannot.  Tread carefully both for yourself and your SO.  If your friend wants to be eaten by her, fine, but you don't have to be.

susanm's picture

Your description of these women as predators is spot on.  And oddly enough they almost always have a fondness for animal prints.  Have you noticed that?  Especially leopard print.  It is really creepy!

Healyourslf's picture

Socially adept females will befriend the other females and want cameraderie. This enhances the circle of friends and ensures good times for all.  Then there's the "predator" surveying and scenting the territory.  Wielding her sexuality is probably the only way she has learned to  get validation in life.  Sounds like all the ladies have already picked up on the pee.  Yet, the guys may not see that the gooey, brazen, eye-lash fluttering, come-on crap is her way of exploiting them.  Men can be so vaginally-challenged and sometimes women need to spell it out for them. I say have a spelling bee!

Be honest about your feelings and intuitions to DH.  She's counting on the fact that the women won't speak out to their husbands because they don't want to seem jealous or petty. 

Predatory women like this are always on the hunt and they are incapable of considering anyone else's feelings because they're in "survival mode."  She's hungry to feed her emotional, sexual (and possibly financial) needs through the men. 

There's no alpha in the lions pride...the females work together to make sure everyone gets fed.

Stay alert and forego the overnighters. 

 

Tara456's picture

I'm going to read and re-read this post. Very accurate.  I think somehow my OH is flattered by all the attention she gives him and of course that riles me even more.  The very first time I met her she rushed forward to my OH and said "oooh, hello yoooouu....". and flung her arms round him. WTF?!!! Subsequent times she rushes forward and then turns to the room, completely ignoring me. The last time it was hilarious, I just stood there and stepped forward to her and she horribly hugged me in a nanosecond, then immediately turned away.

But how can I avoid her without a) my OH saying I am upsetting the dynamic of the group, his friends are really important and "you've got to learn to cope being around people you don't necessarily like" and "aren't you stronger than that?"  and b) when my OH's friend drops round with her now and again (I've hidden upstairs) and is clearly pushing for us to meet up, what to actually say and c) the group with partners meets up about once every 3 months, so going is something we all make an effort to do, but now...

 

Monkeysee's picture

YOU aren’t upsetting the dynamic of the group, this new chick is. You should be able to approach your OH with your concerns & be met with support & understanding. The reaction you’ve described is gaslighting, making you feel that you’re the problem when in fact you’re the one who has a problem.

Boundaries are important in every healthy relationship. Why should there be a free pass for this woman to drape & drool all over your OH? Some people are ok with that, but you’re clearly not. You’ve got every right to put your foot down & tell him this behaviour makes you extremely uncomfortable & he needs to make it clear to her those advances aren’t welcome.

Also, don’t be afraid to say something to this woman directly or make her feel uncomfortable yourself. Her behaviour is predatory & I’m sure she’d love nothing more than to learn that she’s come between you & your OH. 

Next time she rushed forward to hug him, step in front of her & give her a hug yourself. Sit on your partners lap, make it very clear that you are there with him, and she needs to back off. Make a point of talking to her, even if she tries to ignore you. You don’t need to sit there being meek & timid while this woman marks her territory!

And as for the renting a villa scenario... that’d be a HUGE no from me, no way would I put myself through that misery!! Not unless the b*tch was muzzled & knew her place, and even then it’d be a stretch.

Who cares if this guy knows you don’t like his gf. She is making the entire group uncomfortable, I’d be way more surprised to find out the other women don’t mind her vs they all feel the same way you do.  Have some confidence girl!

Tara456's picture

P.S. It's so funny you use the word "skank".  It's never been a word I've used before, but out of nowhere when I met her that's exactly the word that came to mind. It's been how I've been referring to her ever since, I don't use her name, just Skank, or The Skank Bitch.

MurphysLaw's picture

Lovely …

Hopefully DHs Buddy will soon tire of Yoko Ono and she will be dumped.

Does Buddy have children with his STBX?

 

susanm's picture

LOL at the Yoko reference.  Showing our ages, girl!

GrabitAndGo's picture

I had to Google who that was.

Okay, I couldn't type that with a straight face.  Got any Ben Gay I can borrow?

susanm's picture

Nope.  Had to use the last of it so I could function this morning.  I have some spare Geritol though.

MurphysLaw's picture

In Yoko’s defense, she didn’t prey on the rest of the guys BUT she DID break up The Band …

Looks like that may be where DHs “Boys Night Out “ may be headed…

Tara456's picture

Ha Yoko!  That's perfect. Like I said, she's started turning up at the guys-only times, and Buddy (good word, I'll use that now, far better than 'OH's friend') is not getting the hint that apparently all the other guys are peeved their guys-only time now has her hanging around.

Yes, Buddy has kids with his ex wife (divorce has now come through).  They're really nice kids (teens), new woman has been all over them from the start and they seem to really like her. She has kids of her own too.

Rags's picture

Time to give DH clarity that guys night cannot include women.  If Skank attends, you attend and when she over plays her hand.. or other body parts just bare her ass.  "Honey, this is guys night and you don't need to be here. But if you are here, I will be and before long all of the guy's ladies will be here. So, why don't you have some class and GTFO and I nor the rest of the ladies will have to violate guys night."

Then make damned sure that if she is there, you are there, and so are the rest of the ladies.

Public ass baring of skanks is very effective. So do it.

SayNoSkidsChitChat's picture

I’m grouchy and vicious. I would be telling her off and wondering out loud how many STDs she has and asking her about her Daddy issues. Be like me: go for the jugular. I would explode if some two-bit wh0re was draping herself over my husband OMG! 

I’d make her cry and she would not come back to the meeting.

thisgirlrighthere's picture

Is it possible she's jealous of you and behaving the way she is around your partner to envoke a reaction? 

 

Tara456's picture

I don't know about this. She knows that OH and I really looked after Buddy and I think he has spoken nicely of us. She definitely seems to have a "soft spot" for my OH, more than the other guys, but that's either because they have kept their distance from the Skank but my OH is too soft and I know has spoken to her more than the others, or because she has seen him more because Buddy and he are closer, or she's just got a thing about OH (all the "hello yooooouuu" crap which singles him out in a crowd). 

By coincidence, Buddy dropped round yesterday. I was downstairs and heard his voice and instantly froze and checked out the space behind him, I was dreading Skank was with him. Thankfully she wasn't. I felt so happy she wasn't, and I felt I could welcome Buddy in.  He mentioned her later and I just have to look away, I can't even bring myself to smile. He left saying again to OH that we'll have to come round for a glass of wine. I want to shout only if I can pour it over Skank's face.

 

 

still learning's picture

In my experience friend groups are very fluid when you're an adult with kids and shifting relationships.  The fact that OH meets up with friends a few times a month for social occassions seems like a lot especially if he's a full time dad, has a job and also a significant other.  Do the two of you ever go out on your own? Date night? Trips as a couple?  Could the dynamics of this guys night out group be why OH's and this new friends first relationships ended? I'm positive the male bonding and carousing often includes flirtations with other women.  

Personally, I'd ever so gently steer him towards other things or maybe introduce him to new people.  It sounds like the dynamics of this group aren't the healthiest for your relationship.  

Merry's picture

I haven’t experienced exactly this, but through other circumstances DH and I came to the agreement that we cannot be friends with people who don’t respect our marriage. So, for example, DH cannot be friends with a woman who throws herself at him because that behavior is not supportive of our marriage. 

YOUR comfort and security should be more important than his buddy’s girlfriend. If your DH and his buddy are such good friends he can have a conversation about how uncomfortable Skank’s behavior makes you both and she either knocks it off or doesn’t come around. If friend won’t hear DH then the friendship isn’t really that strong.  DH isn’t asking him to break up with the skank  

In my situation DH had to lose a couple of “friendships” if he wanted to keep me as his wife. It was hard as these women had been friends with DH for a long time. But it was abundantly clear that they weren’t friends of our marriage. So they had to go. 

CLove's picture

DH and I spend time with a group of friends, mostly women. They love me first and hug me first. They are friendly and sweet to my DH, but never would cross that line and hug only him, and talk to only him.

If they did, I would sit them down and have a "big girl conversation". Im a California girl, who has been a while in this world, and at the ripe age of 50 where I dont tolerate crap from people. That you cannot enjoy evenings with your OH, well girlfriend, life is short, cut that chit out of your lilfe. No trips abroad, no villas rented with them. Your sweety needs you to take a sledgehammer to his head, have a conversation. If it makes you a little nervous - make a list. This is what I do, sometimes. I also document things.

Especially DH. His ex wife Toxic Troll is like this. He is in major denial. When she ran out of gas a few blocks from home she waited all day for him to meet her with a tank of gas. She was always asking to borrow his truck (he traded it in for a jeep), always wanting something, "hang this mirror, measure this room, look at my vehicle, theres a light that went on just today". He was her "go to guy" for so long during their relationship, and she never gave that up.

Toxic Troll has openly admitted she doesnt get along well with other women. She gains and looses friendships quickly. Each new guy is her "everything", and she spends all her time and attention on them, and no time/attention on her children. Even when the relationship was extremely abusive (on both parties) the children were not considered, the partner was prioritised.

Toxic Troll uses her sexuality, like "huntress" there, as a tool to manipulate. She texted me once, after losing her temper, that she gives better blow jobs, and can satisfy a man better than I. Pretty blatant display of her measure of self-worth.

With the kids, she is probably slathring them with attention when its convenient, and simply has no "use" for the women in the goup. Theres nothing she wants from them. Like Toxic Troll, when the kids are convenient, or to make herself look like mother of the year, then she gives attention.

 

Tara456's picture

We walked in to the bar before the party, I ended up speaking to a group of people I didn't know, OH joined Buddy and Skank and another (nice) couple.  When he went to get my coat to go to the party, Skank decided that was the moment she wanted her coat too, pretended to slip on the floor and grabbed OH. When we went to leave, he waited to for Skank and the others, I left, and I watched from the outside as Skank tottered down the step and he made sure she was ok.

In the restaurant, Skank made sure she sat next to OH. She had Buddy on her left, my OH on her right, the nice man in front of her, and later another man who popped in. Skank surrounded by men yet again, whilst everyone else spoke to both sexes. OH at least joined in with my conversations and the other people who I spoke to, all very nice people, but as they started to leave Skank got louder and louder. Any time she spoke to my OH she leaned right in, amazing as I managed to speak to everyone else normally, as did all others.

My blood was boiling. Other people were leaving, and soon at our end of the table it was just going to be Buddy, Skank, OH and me which is the last thing I wanted again. So I suggested we leave too, and Skank immediately tried to get OH into conversation. I was trapped in the middle of a bench, only way to escape would be to crawl under a table, but in the end after sitting there for ages looking at the ceiling whilst OH happily chatted to Skank and Buddy, I started to go under the table to get out. Buddy noticed and offered to get up so I could get out.  We finally left, Buddy again saying wouldn't it be nice for us all to go out, Skank giving me a completely false hug (and I got to admit, my hug is completely false too), and OH went back to them whilst I stood in the cold to hug them again.

I turned up for our friend's Birthday (lovely guy and lovely wife), I did it for him, for my OH, and for my new friendship with them too. I endured another evening in the presence of Skank. You'd think OH, knowing exactly what she has done and exactly how I have been dreading it, would check I was OK, wouldn't you?

Oh no. The walk back was excrutiating. We went to bed in near silence. Next morning he said there were so many awkward moments the previous night and "you have to sort it out", "I will not lose my friendship", "don't bother coming to these events if you".  I asked him where was his outrage at what she had done to me? Why was there no urge to defend me? I explained how uncomfortable and now distressing it is for me to watch him being so friendly to Skank, to give her all the attention she loves after how she behaves. Without actually going over the line to say it, he basically doesn't think she did anything wrong to me in the first place. When I refer to the evening of hell where she blanked me and only spoke to my OH, he says "didn't notice". ARGH! He didn't notice because she was chatting to him non-stop and he like I said he is generally oblivious to many things that go on in front of his eyes. He's oblivious to holding up traffic and all the angry drivers tailgating us and gesturing to us because he's hogging the wrong lane. He's oblivious to his sons' acts of deceit that are done as soon as he looks down or leaves a room. He's oblivious to things that are said in conversations, either among family or even shop assistants. This is part of OH I have (sort of) come to terms with - he doesn't notice things, he misses loads, everyone has to repeat what they've just said again and again. I couldn't care less that he "didn't notice" Skank's rude behaviour to me, or he "never noticed" all the times she's rushed forward to hug him and blanks me, he doesn't notice because he's been hugged and is now greeting other people in the room with his back to me, he doesn't see me standing there and Skank blanking me.

But why doesn't he take my side? Why doesn't he believe me? Why doesn't he want to defend me or even care that I have clearly told him his friendliness to her really distresses me. He actually said "don't care, that's your problem".  When I asked how he has managed to fiercely defend anyone who he felt was nasty to his sons, verbally confront them and cut them out of his life, so why can't he feel anything for how I am being treated, he said "I do stand up for people who are being mistreated... I do defend people who are being attacked"... and all the time speaking as if "people" did not include me.  I hoped it would be a calm discussion, but he said "you have to fix this, I am never going to change my relationship with Buddy (I never asked him to), and if that means his partner is there, I'll be friendly to her too. You have created this situation, I am not having it, you are creating problems in the village, it is up to you to sort it, I'm keeping out of it, end of discussion".

So we've had a whole day of silence. I know this will go on and on. SKs are due this evening, I know I'm due for a week of OH being super friendly to SKs, OH blanking me and SKs seeing this so regarding it as treat-Tara-like-dirt week.

I want to know where the missing cog is that gives a damn about his partner. Where is the defender? Why doesnt he have my back?  My blood is boiling inside.

Monkeysee's picture

So he won’t lose his friendship but he has no issue leaving you behind? Does he not see that this could eventually lose him his relationship with you? Or is his friendship more important to him than that?

I’d point blank ask him that. It doesn’t matter that he’s *choosing* not to see it, it’s having a direct impact on you & that *should* matter to him.

Men are idiots sometimes. Before my DH was my DH he pulled this stunt a few times. I got lucky though & his friends called him out on what was happening without my discussing it with them or even being in the vicinity. Sometimes people need to see their inappropriate behaviour/reactions to behaviour from a third party. It should NOT be that way, but again, men are stupid. 

Maybe you should invite one of the other couples who’ve met skank over & subtly (or not so subtly) mention her. See what their reactions are. If nothing else is getting through his thick skull that he is prioritizing the wrong woman, maybe this will.

That said, you need to decide for yourself how much of this crap you’re willing to put up with. In the end with my DH, it didn’t matter how many times other people pointed out his mistakes, he pulled this nonsense until *I* had enough & told him enough or I was done. And I meant it.

From that point forward our dynamic has been completely different, and if it hadn’t changed I wouldn’t be with him right now. I never would have walked down the aisle. We’ve had ups & downs like anyone else, but the toxic pattern of prioritizing other people before our relationship has completely stopped.

Your OH is being completely inappropriate in placing the blame on you, but it’s up to you how much of this you allow before you put a stop to it or call it quits altogether. Take care of yourself. 

GrabitAndGo's picture

Oh, he's noticing what she's doing, believe me.  He wouldn't be so defensive and rude with you if he didn't.  If he didn't notice he wuold be surprised at your reaction, and be on guard the next time he was around The Skank.  

I think your OH is enjoying having two women "fighting" over him.  He has The Skank who is being overly attentive, and then he has you who is upset by it, and wants him to cut that crap out.  It's an ego boost for him.  I'd refuse to be part of that ego boost.  I'd also be completely pissed off and offended by his dismissiveness of my feelings.  You "need to fix this"?  No, he needs to check himself and check The Skank if he wants to keep you around.  

This guy is an a-hole.

ldvilen's picture

Well, are you his partner or is his buddy his partner?  My blood would be boiling too.  It'd be boiling because this type of woman is so obvious to other women, but, again, the men are blinded by her over-the-top sexuality and child-like nature.  These type of women come on as being naive, but can actually be quite calculating.

But, as women, we all here know that.  The problem is your partner doesn't or doesn't want to see it.  My advise would be to avoid this woman.  I mean it.  Let your DH go and hang out with this woman and his buddy if he wants to, sans you.  Go once in a while, but carefully chose.  Disengage from the be.atch.  Sounds weird, but without you there to play off of, it won't be as fun for the cougar nor even your DH.  Maybe they'll all get bored after a while, your DH will start to feel like a 3rd wheel, or cougar's BF will start to get jealous of all of the attention your DH is getting from her.  Either way, it'll be Pfft.

However, at some point you're going to have to decide if this is some sort of red flag from your DH or not.  I agree that if it bothers you that much, doesn't even matter why, then he should be willing to at least tone it down or leave with you when you so suggest.  Anyone should be leary of a man who tries to negate his partner's feelings or concerns when she is so clearly upset by something AND tries to act like it is all her fault; meanwhile, he gets to do whatever he wants or even escalate the situation.  There is being pigheaded about proving you are right about something and then there is being mean about it.  Sounds like he is starting to slip into the latter.

Tara456's picture

Things have got worse and worse. This is going to break us up.

OH is viewing me as the problem, I should be able to cope with anything, aren't we bigger than this, why do I let her affect me etc. Now he's moved on to I am jeopardising his friendship with Buddy, I am ruining his friendships with the group of men he (occasionally) hangs round with, I have to sort it out, no he doesn't want to hear how it affects me or how humiliated I feel. 

I pointed out he's the only one of the group of men who feeds Skank's craving for male attention, all the others are just polite but back off and focus on their partners. My OH focuses on her and Buddy and doesn't see/doesn't give a damn how she treats me. He said he does this as he feels so sorry for Buddy, that Buddy needs this new relationship accepted by his friends, so my OH said he is going out of his way to include her and show Buddy he's doing good. What about how she behaves to me, your partner I ask him. He said he that's my problem, and nothing is going to threaten his friendship with these men.

What's laughable is that the other men are real nice family men, they're not really close though, and if anybody treated their wives the way Skank is behaving to me, they'd tell Buddy (and Skank too probably) exactly how out of line she was and wouldn't look back twice. My OH is the only one of the friends who is divorced (except for Buddy now too), whose own family is such a mess (SK hell), and is putting way too much value on a very basic-level friendship with Buddy round the corner. Yes he (we) helped him loads through his separation/now divorce, yes he was down and vulnerable (and desperate, hence why he's fallen for the first Skank that came along within weeks), yes their friendship grew close but only because my OH was the only divorced one out of the group that put himself forward as someone who has been there, done that. I like Buddy, but really it's a friendship just based on getting him through challenges, which of course I'm totally fine with and helped him as much as I could too, but OH is now prioritising Buddy over me. Things he said last night have shocked me to the core.

And yes, he said he knows exactly what Skank is doing by the way. But he ignores it, and his only solution is that I do too and I go round to theirs and we all socialise. The thought of that makes me so tense inside and full of dread I don't think I'd be able to leave the house. And why the hell should I?

 

DPW's picture

Grrrrr.... I am livid for you. I keep trying to type up some awesome wise advice but I can't get past one thought that all I want  to do is throatpunch your SO. This is entirely unacceptable for you. If your SO will not budge, there is simply no other choice but to leave this relationship. 

Notup4it's picture

DH knows what is going on.... men aren’t oblivious they just pretend to be so that they can get away with it and fake stupid. He loves the attention he is getting from her, AND your reaction to it!!!

How I would handle this is I would be way over the top friendly with the ho. When she tries to dominate your DH’s attention you assert yourself and dominate HER attention.  For instance, she goes to give DH a hug you jump in front of him and give her a clearly obnoxious one.  Always sit right next to her, always lean in and keep her attention on YOU. This will alter how your husband is thinking about the situation, and it will force her to acknowledge that you exist and she will be confused but okay along.  Don’t compete with her for hubby’s attention, compete with hubby for her attention!!!

Hubby also knows she is a skank, and won’t like the influence on his WIfE.  Step in and take your DH’s spot talking with her and buddy..... be a predator towards her!  Make sure you sit right beside her.  Go out with the stupid ho, DH will HATE that (trust me!!).  DH can’t say crap about the Behavior and if he does you turn it back on him and tell him you are trying to support his friendship and realized that you just weren’t giving her a chance.... and what is his problem?!?! 

This is how I have always handled women like this (yes I hate them too!!) and it has always worked. I know it seems so counterintuitive but works like a charm.  You don’t come across looking jealous (which feeds the situation) and it truly turns the scenario from “yay I’m getting attention from this ho” to “I don’t want my wife associating or hanging out with this ho”.  If you befriend her hubby will all of a sudden get very critical of her. 

notasm3's picture

Time to remove your filter.  What more harm can it do?  Not with your OH.  With the skank.

When invited by them to come round for a drink - "Only if you can keep your GF off of my OH."

I might go as far as to ask her if she wants me to give her permission to have sex with my OH.

Do none of this in anger.  Just calmly state facts and conclusions.  Will you OH have a fit?  Of course - but he's being an ass now.  How could be be any worse?

I had a woman like this in my life one time.  I was sitting at a table with my fiance and two friends.  She came up and asked if she could join us.  I just looked at her and coldly said "No."   I think I shocked people, but I'd had enough.

FYI - my fiance eventually did cheat with her which is why he never became my husband.

 

 

ldvilen's picture

This is not comparing apples to apples, by any means: "He said he knows exactly what Skank is doing by the way. But he ignores it, and his only solution is that I do too and I go round to theirs and we all socialise."

This woman's power is only through her sexuality.  Straight men and straight women are going to respond to this woman completely different. He thinks it is no big deal because he loves the sexual prowess that comes from her--the stroking, the attention, the ball grabbing, whatever.  He thinks he can handle it.  My guess is he really cannot.  I would even go so far as to say that he wants you there as mainly a buffer.  How funny that this is actually fairly comparable to how DHs always seem to want SM around them at family events--mainly as a buffer because DH doesn't want to left alone with his ex- or his own kids (whom he no longer really knows).  DHs will whine and scream and talk all about, "It's you!  You have to support me!," etc.  When DH is really just a scaredy-poo.

You don't have to apologize to anyone for seeing this woman as a ball buster.  The problem is with your BF really.  He wants you four to all go out so he can waif off of her sexuality, yet at the same time, claim it is not a threesome, since you are there as his "real" GF.  I've seen too many ID episodes where there is a foursome that hangs out all the time, and next thing you know, one winds up banging the other's GF or spouse.  Usually, someone winds up deceased.

Notasm3 nailed it with this too, "My fiance eventually did cheat with her which is why he never became my husband."  I'm sure you can do better than hang out with this spaz.  Staying at home watching your favorite TV channel, painting your nails, and eating pizza sounds way more fun than hanging out with this guy, and being forced to watch BF, BF's BFF and BFF's GF participate in various soft porn acts in front of you and others.