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I'm ready to leap. Please help me to muster the strength...

Phoebe84's picture

Some of you may have read my previous posts. I won't repeat it here. I think I called it "nightmare situation".


BM disappears "last minute" ten days ago to look for work up north. Previously, this had been raised as a possibility for September but it happened all of a sudden with a lot of signs that it was planned.

Anyway, I called SO on it this morning and just said "come clean, has BM gone indefinitely?". He said he had "just now" been communicating with BM who is coming back Monday and that she has possibly found work up there. He says "so I told her there is a lot we've got to talk about and that everything hinges on her decision about the kids".

So I say "WTF"? Everything hinges on HER decision about the kids? And the totally predictable comes out. "Oh my God I am in such turmoil because SD15 has been sobbing to me because she doesn't want to move up north and I told her it's not my decision because her mother has custody but I promised her I would support her (take on custody of SD15 in her home town)...and I'm so torn, between you, between my daughter".

I ask whether he can see the f**ked-upness of leaving his future and our relationship (he has promised to move back down to the south with me as soon as a job comes up) in the hands of his ex-wife and 15 year-old daughter. And of course I am evil. For daring to question his need to look after his poor daughter who may otherwise be "dragged" across the country to study in a new part of the country (same educational system).

So, my bottom line las been crossed. There is no concept of "hey, SD15, I know it's scary to move house but I have a life with Phoebe and you need to be with BM". There is no, "I told her we would sit down and talk about it". No...just "I promised her I would support her".

Roughly translated: "If BM decides SD15 must go up north with her or if SD15 changes her mind, I'm all yours,"love of my life". If not, you stay put as my weekend f**k buddy". This is after ten years together. Six of those years spent living together.

This is not a case of SD15's needs, it is 100% a case of want. Now, I am aware that BM is a useless, lazy leech. The most likely scenario is that she will go NOWHERE. And if she goes, she will possibly insist that SD15 goes with her. But if that happens, I will know that SO is only with me because BM and SD15 allowed him to be.

So, I need some wording that will close this down. I can't do this face-to-face, I just don't have the strength. I need to email. I'm sorry if that's cowardly but it just has to be that way. Do I bother with trying to make him see how messed up his decision-making is (if you feel it is) or do I simply state that I need to spend my life with someone who values me enough not to leave our relationship in the hands of his ex-wife or 15 year-old daughter? How do I do this?

twoviewpoints's picture

The guy already left you once to go back home to be closer to his children. You don't want the children in your state and home. Probably time to call it quits and move on.

Is there a reason you could not move to where he wants to be? Is the area you currently live the one and only area that you can work in whatever your career is?

He's given all these years to be where you wanted/needed to be. And no, your life isn't in the hands of his 15yr old daughter and hi ex wife. He is making his own decision here. If his daughter wants to stay where she is, he intends to stay there with her. If she moves off with BM, well you can have the scraps. At least until he decides he wants to leave again and go be closer yet again to his children.

Sounds to me all that's left to write is 'Goodbye, I hope you have a wonderful life'.

Phoebe84's picture

No, I have four kids of my own who are in a very good private school that comes free with my job. The educational system they follow is not available in his part of the country.

Plus, he has not "given all these years" to be where I needed to be. Six years ago he suggested I take a job down south. He promised he would be straight behind me as soon as he found a job. That took him three years. He turned down job offers, dragged his heels, excuse after excuse until I gave him an ultimatum and he came down south. He lived with us for two and a half years, resentful a lot of the time and decided to move back to his home town to be closer to his kids earlier this year. We broke up but got back together within a month. He said he had made the biggest mistake of his life, saw that his kids didn't need him as much as he needed them and promised to come back down south as soon as he got a job. No effort made to find a job so far. Financially, I have been struggling throughout this time because we rented a house with two incomes in mind and now he doesn't contribute. Changes his mind about whether he wants to come down here every week or so. He's a mess. I have tried to convince him to get help because he's so torn. But I'm an emotional wreck. It has been six months of insecurity and broken promises.

Recently he admitted that he only promised me that he would come down south six years ago because he never thought he would actually have to go through with it...he thought I would probably meet someone else quickly and would break off the relationship. And he doesn't understand why his promises are a little hard to trust now!!!

Dovina's picture

After reading this, it just further explains how your SO puts you on the back burner. He actually said he thought you would find someone else and he wouldn't have to move. Disgusting. No regards that you uprooted yourself and 4 children. What a shcmuk!!!!!
"dear John, funny how life turns out, you were right it did happen. I have met someone. I suggest you move on too" Phoebe84

twoviewpoints's picture

Well, there you go. Find someone new. Downsize your home to be able to afford it without his income, even if that means bunkbeds for your kids and sharing bedroom.

He has as much where he currently is( his 10yr old son and 15yr old daughter) as you have where you are (a good job with perks and 4 children). Why would anyone here say he isn't putting you first anymore so than say you aren't putting him first?

Your children and what you feel is best for them is no more important to you than his own children's needs and what he feels is best for them.

I'm going to ask, and not to judge but because it may play a role. His son is ten, you've been 'together' ten years. Were you 'the other woman'? It sounds as if he was ready to let you go six years ago. But also, he's not in a big *ss hurry to return to you now. The old saying 'once a cheater, always a cheater' . Could be he's happy enough having you be his 'weekend f-buddy' twice a month while he remains where he is pursuing someone else or perhaps even his ex wife.

Either way, from what you just stated, it's has spent six of the last ten years trying to leave this relationship. Sure, he actually came for 2 1/2 yrs, but it isn't where he wanted to be. His son is ten. Is this how you wish to pend the next at least eight more years of your life?

His 15yr old daughter is what you're focused on right now, viewed her as the horrible reason, but he has the ten year old son also. You told him last 'visit' you didn't want to see him the next 'visit' because you didn't want him bringing his son and daughter. This guy seems to know you don't want his children to move and live with you. You have a biological father for your children who you send them off to for a long weekend for an adult 'f-buddy' session. He has a ten year old son who he can't just dumped somewhere.

So what exactly is your next ultimatum going to be? I doubt, dump those kids and come running back to me or else or going to work this time. He ha just recently told you he wished you'd have moved on with someone else six years ago. He left you six months ago.

I suggest putting the relationship on hold for six months. No contact. No weekend 'f-buddy' visits. No calls and emails. See where you both are at and how you both feel. Perhaps you've been missing Mr Right all these years by holding back for your Mr Wrong.

Phoebe84's picture

No, I was not the other woman because I refused to do that. He was interested in pursuing a relationship. We were friends. I said "no, you leave BM first because there is no "cake and eat it" scenario here". He did.

Aniki's picture

He was married to BM and trying to hook up with you?? Gads. Tell him to take a hike.

Phoebe84's picture

SD doesn't have a problem with me. She has a problem with anyone being involved in something that is hers. Her relationship with SO until he left the marriage was literally pushing SO out of the marital bed because she didn't want to share BM. BM accepted this. SD was very precocious and was treated by BM as a sister. She formed a weird alliance with BM where they would abuse SO verbally in public and make him look like sh*t. It was one of the strangest dynamics I have ever seen. When her own brother talks to SO, she talks over him, puts him down. She physically attacked her brother recently because SO handed him her dog's leash for a few moments, screaming "he's MINE!!! It's my dog!!!".

Cutter's picture

Maybe someone gave him the same ultimatum and you just haven't realized it yet. You broke up a home by telling him that, he did to, but now you've wasted 10 yrs of your youth on a man that will walk away from you faster and easier than he walked away from his family. Congratulations to bm, she won. You got the man and this is the life you spent wasting 10 years on, she is the real winner here.

Cutter's picture

Isn't that horrible? Could you imagine wasting 10 yrs of your life to be dumped in the same way you suggested he dump his wife? She wasted 10 yrs on this fool. 10 yrs!!!

Cutter's picture

That isn't harsh its her reality. She just wasted 10 yrs of her life and now she is in a holding pattern waiting for him. How sad and i want her to get out and go do for her.

Disneyfan's picture

But her comments are true. Instead of telling a married to go to hell, she said leave your wife and I will be with you.

He did and she did.

Karma is real.

secret's picture

except the sick thing, is that SD is the one who gave him the ultimatum........not another "woman" - it's his girl child . SD is the one having a hissy because she wants to stay in her hometown... and HE is the one considering breaking up his family because SD wants to stay around her friends.

Yes, the kid is his family - but SO IS HIS PARTNER. Either way, someone's losing. Why should it be him, SM and their relationship, just becasue he feels bad that SD will lose some friends? Please. That's kind of ridiculous. I grew up a military child. If I was entitled enough to believe that my parents would or wouldn't move purely based on my wants and desires, I'd have had my butt kicked into next Sunday for thinking that my wishes were more important than what my parents did.

OP did the right thing at the beginning of their relationship - she told a man who was interested that she wouldn't do the affair thing. He did the right thing and left his wife, to be with OP. HE's the one who broke up his marriage. OP didn't control his interest in her.

It's besides the point anyway - how the relationship started has NOTHING to do with this... it's just additional attempts to make OP look bad, totally unnecessary... and not helpful or constructive in the slightest. But... it's great for detracting from the issues and getting little mean girl commentary in... "oh hey OP - let's forget about your issues and talk about what happened when you first hooked up with him - OMG what a bad girl you were - you're totally deserving what's happening now!!". How catty.

Same ole' same ole'.

Cutter's picture

except the sick thing, is that SD is the one who gave him the ultimatum...
*Nope. She said she wanted to stay in the area THEY BOTH LIVE IN. HE already LEFT the op.

and HE is the one considering breaking up his family because SD wants to stay around her friends.
*Nope. He lives there already so no harm in sd staying. To be with op he would have to move and he has shown that he doesn't want to.

Yes, the kid is his family - but SO IS HIS PARTNER. Either way, someone's losing. Why should it be him, SM and their relationship, just because he feels bad that SD will lose some friends?
*Nope. He isn't losing. He is where he wants to be and he wants to stay with his dd. The only one losing is the op but she already lost WHEN HE LEFT HER 6 MONTHS AGO.

OP did the right thing at the beginning of their relationship - she told a man who was interested that she wouldn't do the affair thing. He did the right thing and left his wife, to be with OP. HE's the one who broke up his marriage. OP didn't control his interest in her.
*DOUBLE NOPE. A real woman has more respect for herself then to get with a married man. Telling him to leave his wife first breaks up a home and now she is realizing what that is like. A real woman understands what is in her future if she gets with "that". No sympathies.

secret's picture

mmmkay. Doesn't matter whether you disagree with me or not... not really sure why you keep trying to prove you're right when it's just perspective. You're arguing my perspective with what you believe to be facts.... just because you believe them to be so, doesn't mean they are.

You don't know that you're right... but keep on keepin' on.

OP if you want to hear any more from me, PM me. I'm not arguing with Cutter.

Cutter's picture

She told us the facts, he left her 6 months ago and he lives in sd's town. Not sure why you won't believe what she is telling you but ookie dookie.

Disneyfan's picture


You really think be considers the OP and her children family?

If he felt they were family, he would not have spent all those years hoping she would find someone new and leave him alone.

If he felt they were family, he would not have left her 6 months ago. He would not have thought about moving into BMs home.

No one should have to beg a man to be with them. This man does not want the OP wants.

The OP is not family. The OP is a place of convenience when things go sour between him and BM or whatever other woman he is dealing with.

He's trash. He was trash when he wads trying to mess with the OP while married to BM.

He was trash when he left his family to be with the OP.

He was trash when he lied to the OP for six years.

He was trash when he left her 6 months ago.

He is still trash.

It's time to leave the trash in the dumpster, dust herself off and move on.

secret's picture

Well, yes. The OP said as much. She said he is torn because he says he WANTS to be with OP but doesn't want to let his DD down. That he moved out there 6 months ago, but that is now saying it was a big mistake and he wants to come back. She's also saying that she's having a hard time believing that, because of what he said 6 years ago.

He would have moved 6 months go regardless of whether he felt she was family or not, because at the time, he moved to take care of his dd. As you're a big fan of saying, his dd is his primary responsibility - and he made a decision to prioritize his dd's welfare, even if that meant leaving OP behind.

OP is not seeing him as trash... OP is seeing him as hard to trust, because of the way things happened in the past.

I don't disagree with you that maybe it's time for OP to move on...but I think it's unfair to put his intentions in her words... I mean - it could be a simply case of disney daddy, catering to his princess...and that he truly doesn't see the havoc he is causing. Maybe he does. Doesn't matter.

What OP is saying, is that HE WANTS TO COME BACK but is torn about it because he doesn't want to upset his daughter.... I'm not going to read between the lines about his intents and feelings about the situation... if OP wanted advice on whether he was full of crap and whether he loved her or not, I'm sure that would have been what her post would have been about.... but no - the point of her post is that she is ready to leave, because at this point, for all outwardly appearances, the fate of her relationship hangs on whether he caters to dd's wish to stay in her hometown, where he is currently staying since BM is out of town.

That is not where he lives regularly....he claims he's only there temporarily, but wants to come back. She's just looking for the strength to call him on what he is saying - basically telling him to make a move... because she's not going to stick around if he can't make a decision one way or the other.

I'm really unconcerned about what HIS intents are - because the op is asking for advice on HER feelings... and HER feelings are that HE is basing his relationship decision on his daughter wanting to remain in her hometown. He doesn't even live there! He'd have to move there! He's only there while BM is up north looking for work!

Stalk's picture

Are you nunya? Is that your old name? I apologize if your not.
He does live there and he has for 6 months. Bm hasn't been up north for 6 months and he is asking if he can move back into the family home. He is keeping op on the back burner as an option for when his ex wife says no.

secret's picture


He's been living "closer to SD" for 6 months... if I'm not mistaken it's about 30 minutes out from where BM and SD live, not in the actual town, and certainly not in BM's house. BM has full custody. He's in BM's house NOW because BM is out of town, and has been for going on 2 weeks.

If she moves up north, what's the harm in having him take over the house? BM won't be there, the kids don't have to move... win win for him, if he stays.

OP and the guy "Got back together" because after a few months of him having moved closer to SD, he realized he made a mistake in leaving - they've been doing weekend visits etc... she just doesn't want to be jerked around with false promises - she's asking how to make him make a decision, because she won't live with him being wishy washy about whether he's going to please his daughter or his partner.

If he wanted to move closer to be with his kids, hey great, he did what he felt was best at the time. Plenty of people leave relationships to move closer to their kids. He did it.

OP said that now he's saying he regrets it. I'm really not sure what's so hard to understand.... he's telling her he wants to come back but is torn because he also told princess they could stay where her friends are... this is why OP is ready to call it quits - because this man is putting his daughter's desire to stay around her friends ahead of their relationship, and she's not havin' it.

It's pretty simple.

Stalk's picture

She also says he is a liar and a constant victim. Anyway, I was just trying to figure out what you have against girls? You rail on them so hard but never boys. You have a boy ss right? Is your dd that way with her dad and that's what you don't like about girls? I'm just trying to psychoanalyze you because I think that your hatred for girls is interesting.

secret's picture

Interesting that you think that, I wonder why. Maybe I just happen to post on situations that involve a girl... my opinion on the matter would have been the same if the OP's situation involved a boy... but I believe in this case the boy is a non issue in these circumstances

I don't have a hatred for girls - it's just that a good chunk of the posts on here involve a daddy catering to his princess... *shrugs*

Disneyfan's picture

The man has a history of lying. Why should his words matter now?

Her feelings are what got her in this mess in the first place.

Why would anyone want to stay with a man who has treated them like an option for 10 years?

Time to ignore the feelings and listening to your head

fairyo's picture

This is hard- I remember your post but not all the details. It seems a feature of our lives (and my skids are grown up) that SO lets the previous women in his life control our lives to some degree. Evil is a word used against me too- they just don't understand how you can't fall in line and support them. I really think their perspective fails them here- they only see these women and their needs- you have him, so you have all you need, don't you? Why could you possible object to just doing what they ask? This is the sort of reaction I used to get from DH.
You seem almost sure BM will not get the job, if she doesn't then life will resume as before- only you have been exposed to a side of SO previously hidden, or maybe not hidden but the impact was not so obvious.
Are you planning to leave SO? Is that what the e-mail is for? I am not sure an e-mail will do it? Is your property shared? I would start by making sure the legal side of things are sorted- seek advice if you need to. Years ago when I got divorced I let my solicitor handle all that. It was hard breaking the news to my ex that I wanted out, but I had to summon up the guts to do it- the reasons I did were different. The reason I say this is because men can't believe we don't want them anymore- they find that hard to take and often think you will just change your mind. Legal letters send the message that you are serious.
Whatever you do, make sure it is really want you want- then go for full on settlements that keep your interests in the centre of things.
I can't tell you how to do it, or what to say, but you have said it here quite clearly yourself- just say that, but to him.

Phoebe84's picture

We have no legal ties.

Even if BM doesn't get the job or SD15 decides not to stay in his home town, he has "promised" SD15 to support her. This is alongside a promise made to me to prioritise our relationship and move back down south. Basically, he is asking me to be on stand-by, to be his Plan B and I find that logical on one hand but absolutely soul-destroying on the other.

"you have him, so you have all you need, don't you" THIS THIS THIS!!! I've had that so many times.

NoWireCoatHangarsEVER's picture

Ever heard that phrase "don't waste the pretty?" It's from that book "he is just not that into you ." You are wasting your best years as a consolation prize.
Go out there and be someone's number one

Acratopotes's picture

Simply decide what you want and then do it, I made that decision recently....

I am not prepared to come second to his brat daughter, I'm not in a relationship because of money, cleaning, cooking and playing maid, I deserve some one who will respect me and treat me the way I treat them. It was not easy and I still hurt allot after 14 years together, but I'm slowly progressing

fairyo's picture

Your most recent comment paints a much clearer picture- he thought you would find someone else? He's not that committed is he? Stop even attempting to trust him- set yourself free girl!

New_to_this's picture

I think the last paragraph in your post says what you want perfectly. You aren't first in the relationship. Since, there is no contingency that your DH has custody if BM moves away (that's what ours says), your DH is putting both BM and SD's needs/wants ahead of yours. It's a crappy feeling and this isn't the first time you are dealing with a move from your DH.

I don't know if he should follow his daughter. Honestly, if my DH couldn't get custody of his kids and BM moved away, he'd definitely try and get me to move too. I would have resentment added onto all the other resentments I have towards DH, BM, and the skids. I'd feel the same way you do.

I think you have to make a decision and if you decide that you're going to leave him then do it for good. All this wavering back and forth and moving and returning can't be good for either of you.

Good luck to you.

Phoebe84's picture

The other day we talked about my Plan B. You accused me of having someone waiting in the wings as Plan B. Remember? Well, not only do I NOT have a Plan B but I realized today that I do not even have a Plan A. I am not your Plan A. What I am is your Plan B. You made me a solemn promise a few months ago to prioritise our relationship... when your latest Plan A flopped and BM, SD and SS told you they all wanted to move up north. For a brief period, I became your plan A again but only because you were angry with SD and SS for allowing you to leave our home to be closer to them, knowing they would soon be moving about eight hours away. Now, your real Plan A has become possible again because SD15 wants to stay in her home town after all. So, I'm back to being Plan B. What hurts most is that you actually think that is OK.

You have shown me that you can't offer me more. You say that you love me but you are willing to make me go through hell whenever you see a possibility of having everything. You are willing to offer me a casual relationship after giving you 10 years of my life because it allows YOU to have everything.

My self-esteem is on the floor. My mental health is suffering. I'm an educated, intelligent and strong woman and I've been dragged down to a point where I don't even recognize myself.

Words are no longer worth anything. Your words and your promises have no value. There is only one way to save our relationship and that is action. BM, with no qualifications, no training and very little work experience, has found a job in another city and it has taken her just over a week. And you can't find work round here? Please.

I will not remain your Plan B. I do not want you to respond to this message. I am broken. I will love you for the rest of my life but I can not allow you to continue hurting me. I do not want to see you if it is not with your bags packed, definitely wanting a life at my side and prepared to fight, the two of us together, towards a stable and happy future for us and for the 6 children. And if you do not want that life, at least we'll both be in peace. You will not have to make any more decisions. You will not have to face any more guilt. And I will lose you but I will also lose the sensation of waking up every single morning without knowing if today is the day I'm going to lose you ... that is slowly killing me.

Maybe you'll surprise me one fine day but I suspect this is actually goodbye.

Phoebe84's picture

This is what I'm about to send.

I'm paralysed by a stupid fear that he might be just about to make the right decision and choose me over SD15 and I will ruin that by sending this message. Illogical, pathetic, blind.

Cutter's picture

A parent who chooses a lover over their child is not one you should want. I'm not trying to be rude but you are seeing that in your relationship with him. His broken promises and disappointments aren't just for his kids anymore are they? Now he's turned them onto you. He may chose you today but you will wait and wonder and stress when he is going to leave you again. I wouldn't even send a break up letter i would just move on and live my life without him.

Phoebe84's picture

I understand what you mean, Just to clarify, it's not that I'm expecting him to 'choose me' over SD in a real sense. I'm not asking him not to parent SD, I'm not asking him not to have a relationship/contact with SD. I'm just asking him to put our NEEDS as a couple before the WISHES of his daughter. My mom said exactly the same thing as you....She also said to cut out the last paragraph leaving the door open for him to 'make the right choice' and just say goodbye "because if he thinks he's really going to lose you, and he genuinely loves you, he will make the right choice anyway, whether you have invited him to do so or not".

Cutter's picture

Not your 'needs', your WANTS. You don't need him to live with you, you want him to. He has children and living near them is a bigger priority then you. If you don't feel that is true then you should uproot yourself and let your kids live with their dad and go live with him. But you won't because you NEED your kids like he NEEDS his.

IDontCare3117's picture

This seems pretty similar to me: "Not your 'needs', your WANTS. You don't need him to live with you, you want him to. He has children and living near them is a bigger priority then you."

Cutter's picture

Not really. I never said I needed to live with him, I said I wanted to. I'm also not asking for him to move away from his children for me but if that is how you comprehend things than okay. Wink

Phoebe84's picture

It's not about one person's NEED to live with the other, in my opinion. It is about what the relationship NEEDS to survive.

Cutter's picture

It sounds like the relationship is done. He isn't willing to leave his minor children for you. Sorry.

IDontCare3117's picture

I didn't say it was identical - I said it was similar. You want to move in with your boyfriend, and you want him to make you a priority over his children. You also want him to break a promise he made to his deceased wife. These obviously aren't the worst things in the world, but it seems you two are on different pages. Meh.

secret's picture

If someone I was with told me that my relationship with them hinged on their child, I wouldn't be with them.

I'm not going to be with someone who isn't grown up enough to make their own decisions without getting relationship input from a child.

Moving away because of something to do with the child - I can understand that these things come up. It's also a discussion to have between adults.... being with someone who has children is in a way like being with someone in the military - however decisions about moving should be done as a couple, not as a single parent, if you're committed to the relationship. If you're making decisions as a single parent rather than as one half of a couple - perhaps you should be a single parent and not be one half of a couple.

Any man who puts the wishes of a child before our relationship will find himself single very quickly. After all - if BM can put HER OWN needs before the wishes of her child (moving 8 hours away for a job, despite her daughter wanting to stay close to dad) Dad can put his own needs before the wishes of his child too. It's not different in any way.... BM moving forces dad's hand to make a decision to choose between making his dd happy or staying with his partner... bm already made that decision for herself - she doesn't get to make the decision for dad too, and neither does DD - it's not fair to dad, he shouldn't have to give up what he feels is a happy life just becasue BM is selfish enough to move that far away.

"it's for the kids" is just not a good excuse. There are jobs everywhere... moving 8 hours away from the other parent is not in the child's best interest - regardless... and forcing the other parents hand to follow is just a douche move.

Phoebe84's picture

For the record, SD is not wanting to stay behind to be close to SO. That is very clear. She just wants to stay in her home town, same school, doesn't like BM's boyfriend, who may or may not be back on the scene up north. Basically, she is prone... REALLY prone... to histrionics. She sobbed and begged him to let her stay in her home town and SO promised her that he would support her....which we know means moving into their ex marital home so that she can stay right where she is. But SO is still saying he's "torn" because he "doesn't know what to do". But he already promised her so he clearly made the decision without consulting me at all.

Cutter's picture

He knows what he wants and you know what he wants but you aren't willing to accept it because you lose. I've got that same problem.

secret's picture

Oh I see.

In my world, children don't dictate where adults live.... if SD can't stay behind because mom is moving... why should she get to stay behind but force dad to move?

Mom said no so she suckered a yes out of dad.... gross.

Your DH needs to grow a pair and tell his DD to suck it up, her wanting to be around her friends is NOT more important than him wanting to be around who he feels is family. Her choices are simple. Go north to live with mom, or move with dad.

Cutter's picture

You say gross but he doesn't want to live with op. He wants to live in sds home town with sd. If sd leaves then his second choice is op. Dad is making the decision not sd.

secret's picture

You're assuming that's what's on his mind. Didn't realize you were a mind reader!

If he makes that decision, this is how it seems:

DD to mom: I want to stay in my hometown!
BM to DD: We're moving.
DD to Dad: I want to stay in my hometown! cries, stomps feet...
Dad to DD: ok princess, I'll leave my life behind and cater to your precious desires. It doesn't matter that I'll be unhappy, SM will be unhappy, all that matters is that your entitled like princess butt gets to stay around her friends.

Yes... it's GROSS.

Whether he wants to do it or not doesn't matter... it's disgusting that he'd even consider catering to his daughter that way.

Cutter's picture

You really believe sd has that much of a hold on this man that she can force him to move and live with her? Thats funny. Thats not reality chicka. Thats you dreamin stuff up in your head. The man already lives in sds home town. He isn't leaving anything to stay there. Its more like sd wanted to stay and he said okay.

secret's picture

I'm not pretending to know what's in the man's head. You have your perspective on the matter, I have mine.... only he knows what the reality is... not me, and not you, chicka...

OP I hope your SO can come to terms with what he really wants, and is able to make a decision soon. I hope it's in your favor.

Phoebe84's picture

They allowed her to behave in that way. They had it pointed out to them by dozens of people got YEARS. Attachment issues, extreme jealousy, whatever you want to call it. They haven't sought help for her. It is 100% their fault as parents but I'm just pointing out that this is how she is, regardless of blame. I won't let my children badmouth their bio dad. Never, not in private and certainly not in public with me egging them on and whispering insults in their ears that they can throw at him. That said, SO should have corrected it. Instead, he basked in it because it made him the victim, very public ally so that when he left BM, everyone, including BM's family painted him as the victim. I can see this now because I know a lot more, I've seen the victim thing used on me a million times.

I'll let you know how I get on.

Cutter's picture

It sounds like dad is making his own decisions. He wants to be near his kids and if one kid is willing to stay then he wants to stay and live with her. Op thinks bm and sd are making the decisions but its him deciding what is best for him. He is willing to end a long term relationship with op because it no longer fits his needs. He had already left her once to be near them so the writing is on the wall.

Phoebe84's picture

Of course he is making the decision. I see that but he is not admitting that (and you're right, neither am I). He is also saying that if SD15 decides to go with BM, or if BM insists that SD move up north with her, he'll move back in with me down south. This is NOT about SD wanting to be with SO. Honestly, SO has not even suggested that SD come to live with us. He knows I would find that VERY hard to accept because SD15 has been very toxic in the past in terms of our relationship BUT he also knows damn well that I would give in because I love him. Nobody has even mentioned this as a possibility because SD15 just doesn't want to leave her school.

Cutter's picture

What does it matter if she wants to stay for him or school? She wants to stay and he wants her to stay. He doesn't want to bring her to live with you. I seriously think hes met someone else just like when he met you. What comes around goes around and karma just knocked at your door. It's a shame you wasted 10 yrs on him. Go get your hair done and a new outfit, go out with some friends. Go do you and move on from him and don't wreck anymore marriages. You see what you got the last time.

Aniki's picture

Don't send all of that. I doubt he would read most of it and you don't need to bleed on paper to him. Think of ending it in terms of a resignation letter: short and to the point.

ctnmom's picture

I agree with Aniki. He probably wouldn't even read it, or understand what you're trying to say if he did. Stop beating a dead horse- move on.

moeilijk's picture

It's been a hard lesson for me to learn, but in life, in general, it's better to shut up and let your actions do the talking. If others want to know more, they'll ask.

Phoebe84's picture

1. Cheap shot (karma, once a cheater, you deserve it, etc) and so absurd in a community where, statistically-speaking, many posters will have been in similar circumstances. I didn't ruin anyone's marriage by refusing to be a mistress. There's a LOT more to the story of SO leaving BM but I don't feel the need to justify it here.

2. SO is leaving the decision to BM. He already said yes to SD but he would prefer things to be taken out of his hands so as not to carry any blame. This is classic SO. If BM insists that SD goes with her, SO plays good cop and gets to come crawling back to me as though that was what he wanted all along. If BM says it's OK, I become bad cop because he breaks yet another promise to me and I end the relationship. He's the victim and the hero for staying with SD.

Sadly, none of this is because he has someone else on the back burner. It is because he is weak. He has spent ten years trying to find a way to keep everyone thinking he's the good guy. Honestly? He needs that more than he needs me and, even sadder, he needs that even more than he needs his kids. Earlier this year SS was possibly coming to live with us. I was fine with it, it was my idea. SO was very excited and I told him that BM might not go for it or SS might not want to live with us. He said this: "I don't care. Because I will have made the offer and if BM ruins that or he doesn't want to come, it will be their fault and not mine".

SD wanted to move up north a few months ago. She was excited about it. SO was very hurt because he had just moved back to his home town to be close to them. Now she suddenly changed her mind. SO was very much behind the move because it would broaden SD's horizons to move out of her small town. He has complained for years that he hates his kids living there.

Aniki's picture

".... a community where, statistically-speaking, many posters will have been in similar circumstances.."

So, many posters here had a married man approach them about having an affair, the man was turned down until he dumped the current wife so they could have a relationship???

Terrible generalization. Inaccurate, offensive and terrible.

Disneyfan's picture

None of that matters. The "man" has been showing you for YEARS that he is not all in when it comes to this relationship with you.

Livingoutloud's picture

Why do you blame SKs? This man had TEN years to make a commitment to you. He didn't. He just not that into you or you'd two be married and live together like a proper couple. He left his wife for you but he never made commitment to you either. What was all this for?

That letter you wrote is too long. He won't be reading it. If he wanted be with you, he'd be with you. Show self respect and move on. He is a jerk but he is right that you could find a man (available man) and move on. Do it

And it's offensive to say that many of us have married men suggesting affairs to us and us telling them to leave their wives for us? Really? I don't think so.

Livingoutloud's picture

Unfortunately too often when men leave their wives to be with new women, it often doesn't result in happily bliss because men like that do not commit to new partners either or they eventually find yet a new one. Honestly this sad story has no happy ending.

SugarSpice's picture

to op: you are now cowardly and have reasons for feeling the way that you do. be strong and move ahead. some hugs coming your way.

WagiMorri's picture

No. You don't bother trying to make him see anything. If you make your feelings and needs known and he doesn't get it and it doesn't work for what he needs out of life, then you have to deal with that and end the relationship if neither of you can compromise.

This could be about anything, in your circumstances it's about a woman he has a past with and the daughter they had together. These things aren't temporary. If you can't stand it, leave him. Leave him and find someone who DOESN'T have this kind of baggage.

Phoebe84's picture

I sent it.

I took some of your comments into account and edited it. I said I was prepared to call time on the relationship because he had demonstrated, for a long time now, that he needed me to do that, for me to be the bad guy. That he had spent ten years looking for some kind of elusive "peace" (being guilt-free) and that the only way I could give him that was to say goodbye.

I know I have done the right thing but I'm shaking. Not crying, which I thought I would be, just shaking.

I apologise if I offended anyone with my comments about infidelity. I didn't say "y'all are cheaters", as some of you seem to have interpreted the comment, I just said that second marriages are statistically more likely to be initiated when one partner is still involved. I said many posters (not all, not most, just many) may have been in the same situation. For that reason, I think it's unhelpful to attack posters with karma nonsense when you don't know the full facts. It risks alienating many posters. not all posters, not most posters. People shouldn't feel scared to talk about their relationships because of how they started. I think the poster was absolutely right to question how my relationship started because, despite what I know to be true and despite the fact that BM has always said she does not blame me for their break-up, it is possible that SD could see things differently and in reality, when we've had fights about SO's guilt-levels, he has on occasion tried to rewrite history and suggest that it's my fault he left his family. So, it was a reasonable question because it potentially affects the relationship dynamic that I am after all asking for advice about. My point is that posters shouldn't be afraid to answer a question like that for fear of being attacked.

I knew SO for 15 years before he said he was in love with me. He did not "approach me" looking for a fling. Nor did we enter into any kind of emotional affair. I was aware of his marriage problems (BM infidelity, SS possibly not even being his, BM and SD humiliating him in public) because he shared that information with me and several other friends that used to hang out together. As a group, we had seen him broken by BM and we tried to support him. He tried to leave several times but always went back. When he confessed his feelings for me, I told him that I would not allow him to "give it a try" and keep BM waiting there just in case he didn't like me so much after all. Despite her issues, I don't think any person deserves to be made a fool of while their husband/wife tries someone else on for size. If you reach a stage in your marriage where you are actively looking for another person to love, you need to get out and look for love as a single person. When he did leave, I knew about it from our friends. I kept my distance. He told me a couple of months later that he was definitely free and I agreed we could give the relationship a try. This is MY story. My views relate to how I choose to behave and how I expect my own partner to behave. i don't apply them to other people and I do not judge others because I don't have a right to.

I am so grateful to all of you for your comments and support. You have helped me to find the strength to stand up and walk away.

Aniki's picture

Where did you get those statistics, Phoebe?? I only know of one relationship (of my friends) that started with cheating.

Of course you're shaking. That's a big step to take - especially when you still have feelings for someone. Start thinking about all of the positives that will come out of this... No more stressing about him, SD, or BM. You can concentrate on YOU and YOUR children and do your best to have THE best for you and yours. Good luck, hon. {{{hugs}}}

Livingoutloud's picture

I am glad it is over and you can now start new happy life. You'll heal and life will be good again. Hang in there

As about your other comments, I have never read statistics that second marriages are more likely start with affairs. If there is such statistic I have not heard. I don't believe there is Karma or anything, but if a man seeks relationship while married he demonstrates lack of good judgement and flaw of character, same flaw of character that would ruin subsequent relationships. And that's what happened.

He now has failed marriage and failed 10 years long relationship. Not because of Karma but because who this man is. And if he kept telling you that you caused end of his marriage, he maybe really believed it (even if it's not true but it was easier to blame you) and that's why he was resentful and guilty and unable to move forward.

What a mess. When you are ready to date again, run opposite direction if married men approach you with their feelings or sob stories about their bad marriagees. Run and don't look back.

Glad you are done with it

Phoebe84's picture

I guess I have just always heard that and took it as gospel. So many marriages end because of an affair and I jumped to the conclusion based on my own circle of friends and family (I know a lot of people in second marriages that started as an affair or an emotional affair). I'm sorry, again, if I offended anyone.

SO responded within seconds to my message saying "you are not the bad guy here, you are the most wonderful woman in the world even though it seems like I don't know that. Goodbye". I honestly think he must have so very relieved to receive that message.

Oh...and then he followed that with "maybe I'll surprise you one day"

That last part earned him being called a c**t by my mom and she NEVER uses that word. You'll see below that I kind of set him up for that line but my mom said he knows how hard it would have been for me to end it and he's aware how much more pain he'll cause with a tagline that dangles false hope.

I had ended mine by saying "please don't reply, your words are empty and the only way you could ever save this relationship would be to show up on my doorstep, with your suitcases and 100% committed to working TOGETHER for a stable future for us and the six kids and we both know that is never going to happen because deep down you don't want that. I'd like to think you could surprise me one day but in reality we both know that this is goodbye"

I know a lot of you are going to call me very stupid for leaving that door open. It's a fatal mistake. Endings should be endings. Now I will spend the next couple of weeks wondering if he'll show up at my door even though I know he won't. I don't know if that's a way of letting ourselves down bit-by-bit or just plain old self-harm!!! Either way, I have planned lots of days out with my girlfriends, haven't cried a tear and am really looking forward to being able to tell my daughters that I was strong enough to end it. I've set a terrible example to them for long enough.

Thank you all again.

Livingoutloud's picture

You did an awesome job ending it. Keep yourself busy so it will be easier to heal and then be ready for a new life. Maybe downsize now to help with money or even move. New adventure. Good luck with your kids. And your mom sound awesome. She nailed it. Hugs