I'm ready to leap. Please help me to muster the strength...
Some of you may have read my previous posts. I won't repeat it here. I think I called it "nightmare situation".
BM disappears "last minute" ten days ago to look for work up north. Previously, this had been raised as a possibility for September but it happened all of a sudden with a lot of signs that it was planned.
Anyway, I called SO on it this morning and just said "come clean, has BM gone indefinitely?". He said he had "just now" been communicating with BM who is coming back Monday and that she has possibly found work up there. He says "so I told her there is a lot we've got to talk about and that everything hinges on her decision about the kids".
So I say "WTF"? Everything hinges on HER decision about the kids? And the totally predictable comes out. "Oh my God I am in such turmoil because SD15 has been sobbing to me because she doesn't want to move up north and I told her it's not my decision because her mother has custody but I promised her I would support her (take on custody of SD15 in her home town)...and I'm so torn, between you, between my daughter".
I ask whether he can see the f**ked-upness of leaving his future and our relationship (he has promised to move back down to the south with me as soon as a job comes up) in the hands of his ex-wife and 15 year-old daughter. And of course I am evil. For daring to question his need to look after his poor daughter who may otherwise be "dragged" across the country to study in a new part of the country (same educational system).
So, my bottom line las been crossed. There is no concept of "hey, SD15, I know it's scary to move house but I have a life with Phoebe and you need to be with BM". There is no, "I told her we would sit down and talk about it". No...just "I promised her I would support her".
Roughly translated: "If BM decides SD15 must go up north with her or if SD15 changes her mind, I'm all yours,"love of my life". If not, you stay put as my weekend f**k buddy". This is after ten years together. Six of those years spent living together.
This is not a case of SD15's needs, it is 100% a case of want. Now, I am aware that BM is a useless, lazy leech. The most likely scenario is that she will go NOWHERE. And if she goes, she will possibly insist that SD15 goes with her. But if that happens, I will know that SO is only with me because BM and SD15 allowed him to be.
So, I need some wording that will close this down. I can't do this face-to-face, I just don't have the strength. I need to email. I'm sorry if that's cowardly but it just has to be that way. Do I bother with trying to make him see how messed up his decision-making is (if you feel it is) or do I simply state that I need to spend my life with someone who values me enough not to leave our relationship in the hands of his ex-wife or 15 year-old daughter? How do I do this?