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I'm jealous of SD and feel terrible

sadiefrost's picture

I live with my SO and have no children and he has his children over once a week. He took SD13 out and bought her clothes when she was off school the other day. He said he'd get me something too whilst he was out. He came home and she had bags of stuff and he hadn't got me anything. It's not the fact he hadn't got me anything but that he'd got her stuff and not me. Also that he was shopping with her and letting her go get what she wants. That's the relationship we share. I felt very very odd whilst this was going on. Like I didn't know my role in this relationship any more.

They came home and watched a film together (I was working from home so couldn't watch) but the whole time I felt so insanely jealous of their comradarie and contact. I then felt guilty. I ended up just feeling paralysed with anxiety. When I did try to speak my voice was very quiet and was getting stuck in my throat.

He has had to go visit family today. I couldn't go because of work. However I found out last night that he'd asked his daughter if she wanted to come. I seen him texting her saying "it's not too late you can still come". That made me feel pushed out and jealous again :(.

I don't actually have a relationship with her because she as well is jealous of me. If I try and talk to her she is quite closed off with her replies. It's clear the only person she wants to talk to is her daddy.

I know he's just being a normal, good father, but my heart feels like it's been punctured thinking of these things. I don't know what to do to get a grip of myself and start accepting his relationship with her.

foreverred's picture

Wait... you feel jealous because a father is taking care of his daughter and not pay much attention to you? If that is the case and I've understood everything correctly then you seriously need to work out some issues. You're not a bad person because you feel this way, we all have our emotional baggage that we carry, but I would suggest that you vent it with someone.

Preferably a psychotherapist. No advice is going to help you until you really find out the main reason for feeling this way and then you can start working on yourself from there.

sadiefrost's picture

Hi, thanks for the reply. I guess the other issues are that I am insecure. I was abused by my Dad as a kid, and bullied by other girls at school at the same time. As a result, I have almost a fear of teenage girls, and I don't know what a normal father daughter relationship is like. So when they're laughing and giggling together, I feel like he's cheating on me! I know. Crazy. When its with his son, I'm fine and happy for them, but with her, I feel so threatened

Acratopotes's picture

WTH - you are pissed cause you have to work and DH is going to a family function with his daughter?
You are pissed cause he took his daughter shopping while you worked? You are pissed cause they watched a movie while you worked?

All I can say is grow up...... It's his daughter and his money, make sure your money is not paying for all of this,
you will only have reason to complain when he takes her to expensive romantic dinners and leaves you at home scrubbing toilets.

I am just in shock ... how old are you? I've never heard of any woman feeling like you

Disneyfan's picture

I have to agree with Acra.

Hopefully this guy is planning to walk away from this relationship. I can't imagine putting up with a SObwho is jealous of normal parent/child interactions.

I just have zero patients for needy adults.

CANYOUHELP's picture

You are feeling excluded and your husband is just being a good father it appears. I think you would feel better if you could be included more with his daughter; and it sounds like the jealousy is a two way street, which does not make it easier for your husband to bring the two of you together more.

Make certain you express your feelings to your husband, though I know it is hard; you are human and your feelings matter in your marriage too.

sadiefrost's picture

Yes, thats it! If he wasn't a good father I'd be telling him to pull his weight more. The thing is, I am so so sensitive and anxious that I find it hard to talk to people that intimidate me. Now the SD intimidates me because she has rejected my friendship time and time again. Now I feel scared to initiate any conversation with her in case I am rejected again. She usually cuts me off giving me the minimal response possible. As a result, I just don't know how to speak with her, as my heart rate goes up just thinking about it.

I have told my OH he needs to be include me more..to which he took offence to. It's not like he doesn't, but I think what would improve matters would be if he said things like "oh thats interesting, show sadiefrost too"...and included me as much as possible. As it is, I am an onlooker unsure where I fit. I feel frozen.

TexasPickles's picture

There are a lot of weird emotions that pop up in steplife. The whole thing is crazy, yes? Here's my tips..
1. Don't date, live with, or marry a man with kids.
2. Realize that DH and skids are entitled to have a relationship separate from you.
3. Sort out your feelings now, because there's a good chance you'll feel worse when SD moves in full time when she's a PITA dramatic, hormonal teen.
4. Therapy helps sort out jealousy. You can even do it online or by phone, privately.
5. Go outside and get some sunshine and exercise. Endorphins are your friend.

hereiam's picture

What is your relationship with your husband like? How does he treat you? Does he make you feel loved? Make you feel special? What is missing?

It may not necessarily be that you don't accept his relationship with his daughter, just that you want him to make you feel that your relationship with him is just as special.

He has a daughter and it sounds like he spends quality time with her, and that's a good thing. If your relationship with him is solid, there is nothing to be jealous about.

sadiefrost's picture

Our relationship is really good! I think my feelings stem from childhood, as its as if if he loves her then he doesn't love me. This kind of thinking is how kids think. I feel if he's having a good time with her, he doesnt love me any more.

I was abused by my Dad as a kid so I don't know if its relevant. I haven't ever witnessed normal father daughter relationship. So when he's say splashing water at her, and she's giggling, I feel an incredible sense of panic - like he's flirting with another woman. I tell myself its not the case, but it doesn't take away that feeling. One time he started rubbing her shoulders and I nearly had a full on panic attack.

hereiam's picture

Have you thought of seeing a therapist to help you deal with what you went through as a kid? That kind of stuff can really damage our adult relationships if not dealt with properly.

I think it's absolutely relevant and explains a lot.

sadiefrost's picture

Yes I have seen a therapist for a couple of years a while back. I thought I was ok. However, now she's sucking up to Daddy again (before she was mean to him too) my green eyed monster is back

secondplace's picture

Hi Sadie. Yes, I've had those feelings as well - more often in the beginning of our relationship.

How did I come to terms with it? I realized that he would feel the same about me regardless of whether or not he had any children. He wouldn't love me any more than he already did even if he had no children.

It won't be long till she's grown up and you will have him all to yourself most of the time. Let him enjoy this time with her while he still can.

sadiefrost's picture

I do feel like "an intruder". Thats interesting. That I don't belong in my own house when she is round.

sadiefrost's picture

Thats good advice. Its like if he loves her, he doesn't love me. Thats how I feel. I know thats ridiculous as I love my Mum, my brother and him. Yet still it feels that my place in our relationship just vanishes and I am no longer secure when he is with her or texting her.

sadiefrost's picture

To the people asking what is wrong with me and chastising me for feeling the way I do, I am a human and I don't want these feelings. I came here for support and advice and not to be judged. Maybe it makes you feel better but you just make me feel even MORE ashamed of my jealousy...I already am ashamed

sadiefrost's picture

yes I am insecure. I was abused as a kid so I am quite needy and expect to be abandoned. I think that is what I feel when he's with her - complete abandonment, even although my grown up self knows that he's doing nothing wrong

peacemaker's picture

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TwoOfUs's picture

I totally get it. The posters who are so "shocked" about any of this either aren't being honest with themselves or don't have SDs. It's a really weird situation and jealousy is perfectly normal...especially if your DH isn't making an effort to include you, which it sounds like may be the case. Why did he tell you he was going to get you something while he was out and then not do it? Did he have a reason? Are you carrying more than your fair share of the financial burden?

It's perfectly normal to feel like an outsider and to feel jealous or annoyed by a close father-daughter relationship. My SD16 texts my DH constantly and it drives me up the wall. First thing in the morning, last thing at night before going to bed...it seems weird and needy to me, and I hate it. Not sure I'd describe it as jealousy, but it certainly feels intrusive.

sadiefrost's picture

Ha yes it drives me mad when hes texting her and basically begging for her to come with him to visit his family. I guess it feels like she is more important than me.

I don't have children myself, so I can't relate to his relationship.

He said he looked but didn't see anything when he was shopping. He told his daughter to keep an eye out too for anything but obviously she didn't see anything... So it really is me. He's doing nothing wrong, expect maybe not including me enough. He's not excluding me, but maybe if she shows him something he could ask her to show me too, things like that.

TwoOfUs's picture

I don't have bios, either...which I think is especially hard. That may be another angle that some of these commenters aren't considering. I've always gotten along well with kids, and been good with them...but having to watch your husband have that relationship while you don't have it...makes it even more difficult.

Are you planning to have kids with DH?

TwoOfUs's picture

I don't have bios, either...which I think is especially hard. That may be another angle that some of these commenters aren't considering. I've always gotten along well with kids, and been good with them...but having to watch your husband have that relationship while you don't have it...makes it even more difficult.

Are you planning to have kids with DH?

sadiefrost's picture

Yes we are trying - have been for past 6 months. I am running our of time though Sad

Yes, I just find it so hard to empathise with...in my head its like he's cheating on me...I think its just because she's a girl and has expressed to him she doesn't want me in their lives, she just wants it to be her, her brother and her Dad. So I feel on the outside anyway.

TwirlMS's picture

Your feelings are valid Sadie and many of us can understand and empathize on here.

I had high hopes when I married DH 5 years ago and thought that my SD would be like a new friend in a way. I knew we would never have a mother/daughter relationship because she was already in her 30s

I was not prepared for the catty games she wanted to play and the lack of maturity. She continues to act like a 13 year old, even though she is 36. She grew up in an intact stable home and so did I, so it's not about the parenting that we have had.

It is hard for your SO to balance both roles successfully with two unrelated females. It's just human to feel the way you do, and don't beat yourself up because you have natural human emotions. This is exactly why I made it a policy never to date a guy with minor children that would be living with us full or part time.

If you are not married, I would advise you to get your own place and let him finish raising his children.