If you had a good job would you use your income entirely on your kids?
My hubby had a really good job and he made really good money. Unfortunately the company closed and now he's been working somewhere else were he doesn't make as much and he can barely pay the bills. During the time when he made good money he did not save anything for himself, like retirement or emergency money. Instead, he used his earnings on his sons. He paid their full college tuition, books, etc and also spoiled them with expensive clothes, and all sorts of things. One time he told me that he bought his youngest son 3 pairs of Adida shoes in one day. Those shoes are expensive but that's what the kid wanted and his dad gave it to him. Like a rich boy that has daddy that buys him everything he asks for.
Well, as I said he has no savings now. He's turning 50 soon and has nothing for his retirement yet. So that's why I wonder why he didn't use his money wisely when he had it. Do you think it's smart to spoil your kids like that? I'm not saying he shouldn't pay for their college but he literally used all his investments on them and didn't save a penny for the future. Now his sons still have money from his hard work from back then while he's struggling and has nothing. By the way, his sons don't work and my hubby doesn't push them to become financially independent. As a matter of fact, he says that when he will sell the only house he has he will give part of that money to his sons again!!!! Can you believe how spoiled they are? Never lifted a finger and just get money handed to them? I guess they will receive cash from daddy for life. God knows what will happen to him as he gets older. I'm not saying he can't give them money but not to the point that he's broke.
You?
Are YOUR finances ok for the future?
Why is this guy your hubby?
My bride and I raised SS well and with all of the comforts and luxuries we could afford.... after we maxed out retirement accounts, 401Ks and investments. We bought him a brand new car as a combination HS graduation gift, Christmas, USAF enlistment gift. We would have sent him to any university on the planet he wanted to attend. Instead, he chose to enlist in the USAF because he knew he was not ready to put in the focus and effort on his college education. In a stroke of positive Karma for the kid and his mom and I the USAF sent him to school immediatlely after his BMT graduation and he has completed an AS in Computer Science. He is working on completing his BSCS.
He and the USAF have given us a gift by paying for hi college education. We would have been fine if we had paid for his college studies, now wer are just that much more fine when it comes to our financial independence and retirement resources.
Is this guy hubby or BF? If
Is this guy hubby or BF? (In other blogs he was BF.) If he's hubby be prepared to support him in the future and for him to complain that you are not supportive of his kids. If BF, do not marry someone this irresponsible with money. If he's BF let him go live in the house he owns.
A financial planner would tell you that one can't borrow for retirement, but one can borrow for college. Retirement should be funded first. Kid can borrow if necessary.
Hell no. In my world, there
Hell no. In my world, there is no money for luxuries (for either adults or kids) until the bills are paid and the emergency fund and retirement accounts are funded. My DH is an idiot where finances are involved and so he would probably spend for himself and the kids before all of that was taken care of, but that's why I handle the finances in our household.
It sounds like your H still hasn't learned. What is he planning to do when he retires? Or will he work until he drops dead?
That is my MIL's plan. Work until the day she drops.
Though when the investment advisor gave her clarity that she would have to work for the rest of her life and really could never afford to retire she burst into sobs in his office and tearfull recounted that she and FIL had such grand plans of early retirement when they bought their first of several since foreclosed farms decades before. She has been diligently saving investing now for about 5 years and for once living within her means but starting from a negative net worth position at 60 does not have a happy retirement story for her. Her sister on the OTH, is loaded because she has worked in a State job for 42 years and in all liklihood will fund my MIL's retirement so they can be spinster widow sisters traveling and living together.
My goal has always been to fully fund retirement for my DW and I so that we can enjoy our retirement years together and she has more than enough to live very comfortably for the decade or so she will likely have following my demise. She has the added goal of wanting to leave a notable estate for our son. Which will in all likelinood be what happens.
My brother and I have always agreed and wanted our parents to enjoy every penny of their retirement resources and have felt that it is our own responsibilities to provide for our families. Odds are, late in life, mom and dad will leave us notable resources. The later the better IMHO. Mom and dad were young when they married (17 & 19) and had me (19 & 21) so in all liklihood I will be the guy in the nursing home who has a chore list from his mother.
The same will apply to my son. His mom was 16 when she had him. They will have a great time in the retirement home together no doubt.
I have very close friends and a cousin who have saved nothing for retirement. My cousin is a leach and will take anything not nailed down if she gains access to anyone's home.
IMHO... people live the retirement they earn.
Retirement is the ultimate application of Karma and the litmus test of the quality of life's decisions.
No. My financial advisor told
No. My financial advisor told us that you need to take care of yourself first and make sure you are prepared for retirement, before you pay for things for your children. I've put a lot away for retirement. DH does contribute to his retirement account and has some put away, but he is also assuming his pension will still exist when he retires, so he is not as prepared as I am. He wants to give a lump sum of money to his kids when they turn 30 and I told him that he better start saving for that, because it's not coming out of our retirement fund or other savings that has been put aside for us and our needs.
This all the way. Retirement
This all the way. Retirement funding should be considered like any other recurring bill and not treated as though its an option. Pay the bills then play.
I max out my 401K & HSA contributions, along with a very generous employer match. My rIRA amount is modified so I'm restricted slightly there but generally max that out as well. My rIRA has existed (even if I didn't always steadily contribute) since I turned 18. I also have a separate savings account intended for filling in the gaps since I plan on leaving the corporate world early.
We have an early retirement planned out, I'll be free and clear by 55. Really, we will be before then but I've decided that I'll not attempt early retirement before SSs are fully out of the house.
Spending what should be your retirement money on your kids is asking for trouble:
Your earning years are far less than when you started
Compound interest
Your kids have far more available to them in terms of earning years to not only support themselves but their own retirement
You simply cannot recover what you spent. I don't understand the thought process that allows people to risk their livelihood, especially in their senior years, for kidults making no effort.
No, I wouldn't. And I also
No, I wouldn't. And I also wouldn't attach myself to someone with such poor money management skills.
No retirement=children supporting in future?
I hope to be able to pay for my children's education or at least some of it! However, I won't be paying/helping at the expense of not being able to pay into my retirement. What's the point? So you're kids get a good job and are able to support you when you're elderly because that's going to end up happening. I'd rather have a good retirement set up so my children don't have to struggle supporting me when I am elderly.
The OP's financial position?
I agree with the others but OP, do YOU work? If not, why not? Are YOU on track with your retirement investments? If not, why not? Maybe you are a multimillionaire in which case your question about your SO is rhetorical. But if not, then YOU should be taking care of YOU.
If she's married to him, her
If she's married to him, her retirement plan benefits him as well and I'd be really upset if he wasn't investing in it then reaping my hard work because he chose to spend his on his child's education.
NO absolutely not. You should
NO absolutely not. You should be saving your retirement first and than maybe depending on the kid support them. We have made it very clear to our son at age 11 going on 12 that we will not be paying for his college at all in any way shape of form. We will pay for car insurance and cell phone bill and give him some support but that is it. That is if he goes to college or a technical school.
I have money in retirement. My DH unfortunately does not at this point. We were working on it but some stuff came up and we needed to pay off some bills. He also used majority of his savings he had built up for the down payment on our house and the renovations we did. He had invested in our future in that sense. Once some other bills are paid off we will be contributing a ton more to our retirement. We are also only in our 30's and have time to really build up a nice nest egg.
If I were you I would make sure you are set for life. It seems like you will be supporting him in your golden years.
No
Also, you should worry about being evicted because of his son soaf surfing at your place more than about a hypothetical future.
As far as working, I have a
As far as working, I have a full time job and savings. I am a firm believer that savings are important. I haven't put any money into retirement because I'm 33 but I am saving for a house and I will start on my retirement soon. But my SO does not save money!!!! He spent every dime on his sons education and much more. Never thought about his own future. As far as the house, that's all he has but since the mortgage is too expensive he wants to sell it and again give more money to his lazy sons. He lives with me in my apartment. BM and his sons used to live in the house but they recently moved since SO can't afford it. Sorry for calling him hubby. He's only my BF but to me hubby can be used for husband or BF. I just use it that way
Now is exactly when you need
Now is exactly when you need to be maxing your contributions to retirement. Every dollar you save today will be worth hundreds of dollars when you retire.
I recently read an article that said for a young person who has $20K invested by the time they are 26 given effective management it will be worth $1Mil at age 67.5.
Use that as your motivation for maxing your retirement savings.
Particuluarly in a 401K or company savings plan where you employer matches a portion of your contribution. Get that free money!
We have always maxed out 401K and IRA accounts. It is about as sure fire a way to be financially independent in retirement as there is.
At 33 you should already have
At 33 you should already have at least your one year of your annual salary in your 401K or IRA or some combination. You are behind yourself, but you are young and you can play catch up. He isn't going to be able to.
He can sell the house but he needs to put any profits in his retirement account- not give to his kids for Christ's sake! I think living in your apartment is a smart move for now but also look at buying a small house that is afforable that you can resell easily in the future. He also needs to be paying his share of expenses there so that YOU can start your retirement savings!
Do you really want to support this man
People don't change. What ever is in his mind, is not going to change. So he going to sell his house, not put money down on another home with you. Give the kids the money. And when he either retired, or gets sick and can not work. It's will be up to you to support him and his kids. Because his social security will be buying his kids things.
No body can tell you what to do. That up to you, But the writing is on the wall. If you love him enough that you don't mind to support him that good. But it's may get to you, as you are already on this board. No it's not normal.
Like don't you two want to go on vacation? Go places? Do things ? That he pays for
Obviously this answer is no.
Obviously this answer is no. Also- you shouldn't pay for your kids college if you aren't still able to contribute to your retirement as you have been/should have been all along. You HAVE to pay yourself first. It's not like those spoiled and entitled kids are going to move daddy in and take care of him when he hits 65- he is on his own.
Do you really want to be stuck supporting someone who did 0 planning for his future? Is he even willing to stop, tighten his belt and do some major saving now? Can things be downsized and budgets made so he is saving 40% of his income for the next 15 years? Because that is about what he is going to have to do if he ever wants to retire... even that is a big fat maybe.
Unfortunately I can't expect
Unfortunately I can't expect him to save for his retirement because he even pays for his sons cellphones too. I mean everything. College, cellphone, food etc. he made his sons spoiled and lazy. I am planning on saving for my own retirement after I pay for my house. My priority right now is to buy a house so I have a place to live and after I buy it I will start a retirement plan. But my BF needs a therapist or something to wake him up. He needs to stop giving his sons money and worry about himself. Those kids are no longer babies.
Did I miss the part where you find a viable partner?
Do that first. That will be your best immediate option for securing your retirement. Then make sure that you don't replace this idiot with someone who will expect you to support them in retirement rather than being your equity life partner in all things, including building a secure finanacial future together.
The only thing that will wake
The only thing that will wake him up is when he hits Rock bottom... And even that may not suffice... Get out of this dreadful situation now, before he drags you down with him.
Here's what my dh did, he invested every bonus he ever got for the future (he worked for a very lucrative company and could buy shares) so we wouldn't have to worry. Your so is all about immediate gratification. There's a huge difference. He is never going to change. Please put yourself first.
I would try to do both if I
I would try to do both if I were you right now. You can set up and Roth IRA for as little as 50 month. I understand saving for buying a house and getting that underbelt I agree it is totally important. Honestly these days so is saving for retirement. It really does not take much and as you hav emore you increase your payments.
Whatever you do in your situation do not let your SO on that mortgage with you. My SO and I singed dotted line on house before we were married, that was a huge risk for him as he had all the money down. I make more but he invested a good chunk of savings into the house. Luckily he knew I was extremely good with money. Sounds like your boyfriens is older than you by quite a bit as well. If he is in his 40's and that much of a mess with money it will never change. The more he foots the bills for his sons the less he has to contribute to current rent, bills, food, activities or anything like that. Which is taking money out of your pocket and from you saving. I would really evaluate how much you spend on mutual things and what he spends.
Trust me when I say make your finanaces about securing yourself first and foremost. I lived with two people not great with money at all and it drove me nuts.
Sometimes, love is not enough
Sometimes, love is not enough.
Sometimes, we have to choose self preservation over a loved one's self destructive behavior so they don't drag us down with them.
If your bf was using heroin, would you stay? How about if he was cheating on you with hookers? What if he was gambling away his paychecks? Hopefully you'd have healthy limits, recognize that your bf's behavior put you in jeopardy, and love yourself enough to get far away from the dysfunction.
Your bf is addicted to guilt funding his kids. Because it's an addiction, he'll keep doing it. Because addicts are selfish, they don't care about the future or how their addiction affects their loved ones. Your bf is willing to cripple his kids and make you his Plan B, all so he can feel good.
Your bf is sick. There is nothing normal or healthy about his behavior, and you will never come first with him. Don't become collateral damage of this toxic situation. He is going to end up flat broke and alone, but that doesn't have to be your future. You are responsible for YOU, so be selfish on you own behalf. You can have a high quality life, or you can stay with this pathetic man, but you can't have both, so be brave and save yourself.