You are here

If you don't have a child or children of your own, would you marry a man with child or children?

carolstepmother123's picture

My husband and I are going through tough time right now and we are talking about call it quits. Honestly, I have no desires to be in this blended family situation anymore because I feel I grow resentment towards him day after day.
He has been cheating on me, I have been taking care of his responsibilities and received very little to none appreciation.
His sister is a total bitch, she told me that "You know what you got yourself into when you married my brother." No, bitch, I didn't know your brother dropped his pants and accidentally landed on a fat bitch. No, I didn't see THAT coming. This cheating bastard has the nerve to blame his cheating behavior on his low self esteem!

I am still very young (In my 20s) I still don't have any children of my own. Thanks God.
This time, I am going to avoid single fathers at all cost.

I have a question for all you smart ladies and gentlemen here, if you don't have children of your own, will you avoid single parents? Or it depends on individual? Do you believe blended family issues are big enough to ruin a marriage? Thank you's picture

OMG you poor thing. I wanna kick that sibling pair in the teeth. They definitely sound related! If I were you, I would search for a man without kids. I married a dad before I had kids, and also had a long term relationship with a man with kids (after having my own kids). Neither is easy. I think it's harder when you also have your own kids in the mix. I do think it depends on the individual, but for the most part you stand a better chance finding a man without kids. Definitely kick THIS one to the curb! What an ass!

queen-B's picture

I've got a few years on you (early 40's), so my choices are different. Finding a guy around my age...well, either he has baggage, or there's a really good reason he doesn't (serisl skirt chaser, anti-social geek, hopeless momma's get the idea). I picked a guy with baggage, but I took my time. I watched him with his kids, and his ex. I refused to play mommy, and he had to continue being the disciplinarian regardless of whether he wanted to or not. Is it perfect? Oh hell no. But it's great for me, and I love him.

If I were younger, like you, I would probably gravitate towards a guy without the baggage of an ex-family.

queen-B's picture

^^^^^THIS TOO^**^^^

I answered your asked question, but this is the answer to the real question!

carolstepmother123's picture

Thank you for all your responses.
I think in hindsight, I have never been okay with his blended family issues. For example, I think he misrepresented himself while dating me. He presented himself as a devoted father, but as soon as he got married to me, he dumped all his responsibilities on me. I gave up on a job which I loved to become a stay at home mother for HIS children. WRONG move!

I did bitch and moan, I am not going to lie, but does it become a reason to justify his cheating?

I think the problem started with me feeling resented. So I am not going to blame on him solely. But he can always end the relationship before cheating, no?

queen-B's picture

Call me wacky, but that's what I've always thought Dirol If you're that unhappy, call it quits. THEN you can go out and find someone who does make you happy. There is no excuse for cheating; ever.

StickAFork's picture

I'm not sure how the question in the title fits your post... I read two very different things.

He's been cheating on you and blaming YOU for his shitty character. Right there, reason to leave. He's not even remorseful and committed to change. He's BLAMING you and you're allowing it to affect your self esteem.

Time to pack them bags.

As for a man having kids? Sometimes, it works and is a good thing. Sometimes, it sucks. I wouldn't measure all men and all situations with the same stick.

needinginwardpeace's picture

I only got to 'he has been cheating on me'.

Listen. There is no more after an affair. There are cases where you can repair a marriage with counselling if the affair was a short one-time thing. I do not believe if there is a) a long-term affair or b) several affairs that there can be a resolution.

Unfortunately the issue is not you, it's your soon to be ex-husband. He is the cheater. If he cheated on you, he's cheated before. If he cheated on you, he'll cheat on the next person he is romantically involved with. It's true, so take heart that you are okay, it's him. That means you likely would need counselling though, to get over the huge betrayal that a full-blown affair is.

Cheating/Affairs - the worst thing anybody could ever do to someone they are married to and/or have children with. It's just so unforgivable. If you want out of the marriage, leave, but do not get sexually or emotionally involved with another person while you are married. Ever.

I won't lecture you, because that's wrong. Please take care of yourself. Find someone you trust to talk to - or call crisis lines and get support in order to leave. This is NOT for you, likely you know that in your heart. Whether you stay single or not, it doesn't matter, this relationship needs to end because the line has been crossed = an affair is that line. You just DO NOT do that, no matter who you are.

Blessings and sending positive thoughts your way

*Edited - I married a man with kids and we had children. It's not the same situation and will never be. Nobody's situation is the same as another person's. Mine wouldn't dream of cheating and there has been no indication of that type of behaviour in the 8 years we've been together. I hope you get out soon, for your sanity's sake.

Want my life back's picture

I honestly think both sexes have difficulties with children that are not their own. There is always that deep seated angst knowing they were a result of your partner having been intimate with the ex. If I had my time over again I would never get involved with a man with children. A large part of your life is wasted on stepkids who grow into adults who now know they don't need to have anything to do with you - it was a forced option they had no choice in when they were kids. A reality check for me was when I had separated from DH close to 18mrhs, not one phone call or visit to see how I was , though in that time I went with DH to visit his adult daughter who had a baby and another visit when she was sick in hospital. Hindsight is a wonderful thing , I didn't want to go but did it for my DH happiness - big mistake- skids are a intrusion of your own happiness.

TASHA1983's picture

"skids are a intrusion of your own happiness."


I honestly think 99% of us women could/would honestly say that if it weren't for skids their lives would be damn near close to perfect with their man!!! Sad Yeah obviously we all have our issues in relationships BUT if skids were NOT in the equation things would be THAT MUCH BETTER FOR ALL INVOLVED.

I know I could/would definitely say that....

Frustr8d1's picture

Not only no, but HELL NO would I ever do this again! I now know what people mean when they say "love is not enough." If you are in love, step-hell will surely change love to resentment.

Orange County Ca's picture

Step-parenting should be illegal. Both for the children's and adults sake.

needinginwardpeace's picture

I think you might have eaten something that didn't agree with you, because your words are coming out smelling a bit moronic.

TASHA1983's picture

I agree...

Marriage = #1 Priority
Kids = #1 Responsibility

It can work as long as your man puts bm & skids in their place right from the get go and sticks with it!

anabihibik's picture

Originally, I entered a sp role d/t cheating in a previous relationship. I thought no way in hades would I ever deal with any form of man with child again. And, now, I'm married to a different man with a child. I found ST during the first relationship. This gave me a very clear picture of what I am and am not willing to deal with. I gave my husband a list of things that were deal breakers on our first and second date. He did the same. I wasn't ready to only date him for a few months. He waited for me to be ready, and we moved on. While I don't think this is always the most fun or easiest job, I do actually like being a stepmom. I adore my stepson. He does normal annoying things. He's not my responsibility. His dad respects that I have my limits with it. I don't have anything to do with the ex. Because my husband respects these boundaries and our marriage over his ex's wishes, this is doable and not bad at all. If he ever broke a deal breaker, well, we wouldn't be married. Sometimes, it is annoying that we can't be a couple without having to consider the custody schedule and all that jazz, but I did know what I was getting myself into this time. I think it is also good for me, personally, to have to find my own thing to do sometimes.

TASHA1983's picture

Ditto!!! I havent married my BF yet BUT if we dont work out for whatever reason I am NEVER dating a man with kids/ex drama EVER again!!! I would rather take my chances with a kidless man ANY DAY!!!

herewegoagain's picture

Although I do have a child, I have to say that there is NO WAY IN HELL that I would EVER date or marry someone with kids if I ever divorced. I do believe step messes are big enough to ruin a marriage or you can stay and just constantly wait for the other freaking shoe to drop. The biggest mistake of my life, although I do love DH and our son, was ever involving myself with someone with kids.

TASHA1983's picture

Me too!!! Love my BF but would NEVER get with a man with kids ever again!!! Worst experience E.V.E.R.

I am thinking that getting/being with a person with a skid and bm in the picture is WORSE than capital punishment!!! I would take the chair over having to deal with POS skids & bm...ANY DAY!!!

sbm014's picture

I have been in two different SP situations. The first one was calm and almost no trouble...the one with my current SO has tested almost everything I have. I love him and he has boundaries and has been a SP so knows how to handle stuff. I believe if it wasn't for this I don't know if it could work. I don't see anything separating us in the future but if it does I will not put myself in the situation again. Even with a supportive DH I have incurred more pain that I thought I would or even imagined.

Shaman29's picture

Love DH but I don't recommend getting involved with someone who has children. If I could go back in time I would not have married DH. I would have dated him until after his kid graduated from HS.

Natalia Ely's picture

My stepmother and I pretty much got along. She had nine younger brothers, so I was the sister she'd always wanted. HOWEVER, in spite of our great relationship, my father was still abusive, still a drunk, still a thief...sometimes ya gotta wonder about guys who ditch their kids. They're quite prepared, second, third or fourth wife, to ditch you bio kids too. When what went around, comes around do you feel your kids are perfect enough to survive stepchildhood?

Natalia Ely's picture

My stepmother and I pretty much got along. She had nine younger brothers, so I was the sister she'd always wanted. HOWEVER, in spite of our great relationship, my father was still abusive, still a drunk, still a thief...sometimes ya gotta wonder about guys who ditch their kids. They're quite prepared, second, third or fourth wife, to ditch you bio kids too. When what went around, comes around do you feel your kids are perfect enough to survive stepchildhood?

Honey Baby's picture

My FDH has a full time son, 14. BM usually takes the boy on the weekends, but many times she bails (she has other plans, like drinking w/ friends). Due to this (I won't stay there if kid is there) it limits our time together. This is my first relationship w/ a kid involved. At first (boy was 11) I thought this will be no problem. As time went on I have seriously rethought having this relationship due to #1 his bratty/disrespectful son #2 his overwhelmingly involved sister. His sister FB friended me, I accepted, but I learned that was only so she could nick-pick every ounce of my life!! I quickly defriended her (and I hope she dies). If I didn't love him like I do, I would be outta here. But from experience I'll tell you, if a man cheats once, he's probably done it already a few times. Sorry girl, it's the truth.

TheBrightSide's picture

I will never NEVER EVER date, or heaven forbid, marry a man with children. Even on my best days, I would never do it again.

(My wish for SD is that she grow up and marry a man with Children. My wish for DH is that if we ever separate (and tonight I'm considering it) I want him to get together with a woman with children.)

If my friend came to me and said, "I've met this man and he has these great kids"..i would say "TRIP THE FUCK OUT OF THERE!! RUN AS FAST AS YOU CAN IN THE OPPOSITE DIRECTION"

401help's picture

Although I didn't really know what I signed up for when I became a SM, I was a lot older than you and I had some personal experiences that have helped me put it all in perspective. I was married in my twenties, then single in my 30s. I had been through tough times so I knew the alternative of being alone was worse. I also was with a bad husband and my new husband walks on water. That perspective makes it easier for me to manage being a SM - and I have to manage EVERY day. It is hard work.

I would advise you to avoid men with child at all costs. You are young, you have time. You deserve to be the only women in his life. Don't settle. This life is a hard one. I would never wish it on others. You are not a bad person for wanting a family/relationship all your own.

christinen's picture

I am 26 and married to a man with a 4 year old daughter and if we ever divorce, I will NEVER EVER be with another man with kids. I don't care if there were no men on earth without kids. I guess I would be alone then. It is not worth it. Too much drama and constant, never-ending bs to put up with.

Maroma1984's picture

If I were you, hell no.

I think we all deserve to be able to have our firsts together with a person we love.

Thankfully for me, my husband was so miserable in his past marriage that all the things we are doing are kinda like firsts. It's just this is the first time he's enjoying the things he's doing.