I am miserable.

I hate skids. Ok, I don't actually hate them. They are fairly decent kids. But I don't like having them in my life. I don't like seeing them, dealing with them, teaching them, caring for them, being woken up by them, reminding them to do things, EVERY SINGLE DAY. Every spare moment is impacted by them. I cannot relax in my own home, EVER. They swarm me like bees.

Sending them to live with BM isn't an option in my DH's eyes. She's a deadbeat, horrible mother. So I get it, though I think they would survive with her and that BM would "step up" and take care of them if she had to, at least for a period of time. DH is all worried about them getting "messed up" by her. But they are already "messed up" by her genetics and the impact of her ongoing neglect and mistreatment on visits. It's not "saving them" greatly by having them here. But it is ruining our relationship and making me miserable (And DH miserable too I think, though he won't say that outright).

DH has been talking about applying for CS for months, it will be a battle to get it. He's dragging his feet. It takes prep-work such as filing his taxes which he hasn't done. I feel like that might make it at least a little better because a little bit of CS would help our budget be less tight and allow us a couple hundred dollars more a month to afford a bigger house. (right now we live in a SMALL three bedroom/ one bathroom, one floor house for 5 of us). I hear the skids all the time, there's no privacy, no peace. I can't even take a bath or use the bathroom when I need to. I try to get out of the house when I can, but sometimes I get sick of always having to leave my own home. And sometimes I have to be here-- like on holidays when things are closed, or to sleep. I can't even sleep without getting woken up by them. I can't wake up to take my dog out without being bombarded by them first thing in the morning.... Weeknights, weekends, ever day is dominated by them. I've never been so miserable in my own space and life.

I can't stand this life. I hate it. Maybe the CS would make things just a little bit better and maybe that would be enough, maybe not. I'm ready to leave. If something big doesn't change in two months I'm getting my own apartment.

I asked DH about the CS today, a few months ago he said he would apply this month for it. He's made no steps towards getting it done. It looks like this will be our lives indefinitely, and I am not resigning myself to a mediocre marriage and miserable life. No way.

On a different note, DH is going on a trip with the guys next month (I Agreed to watch the kids) and then this weekend he spent hundreds of dollars on outdoor gear, where is all that money coming from? our current budget doesn't provide him with that much money.... I know that much.