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I will always come in last place

jb384's picture

I was never really sure I wanted children of my own, but as life would have it, I fell madly in love with a man who came who was going through a bitter divorce and has 3 kids. We've been together almost a year and a half, and the divore was official a few months ago. The kids are 14, 12 and 10 and don't get me wrong, they are wonderful children. We have them every other week, and while overall its been an enormous adjustment for me, I know I am very lucky that they all adore me. I adore them too. But sometimes I'm tired. I work from home, so all summer, I am with them 24 hours a day for 7 straight days. I am with them as soon as they get off the bus from school, and I am with them all day if they're sick or if its a school holiday/vacation. My boyfriend and BM both work long hours, and when they're with her, they're often home alone. I spend more time with the children than the both of them do combined, and I do it while working my job. BM will often text my boyfriend to make sure I am home, and then tell him she is dropping the kids off early. He then tells me the kids are on their way. That's all the notice I get sometimes. I make their snacks, cook dinner, do all of their laundry and clean up after them. I help them with their homework, drive them to sports practices and games (sometimes all 3 in different places in the same day). I make them birthday cakes and I buy all of the presents. I even bought a house on my own (since boyfriend was going through the divorce) so that they could each have their own room. I was the first one the two younger girls told when they started their period. The eldest boy came out to me as bisexual long before he told either biological parent. My whole world revolves around them. The problem is, I feel like no matter how much I do or how much I care for them, I know I will always be at the bottom of the barrel. 

Today, for example, we weren't supposed to get the kids until after school (3pm-ish). I awoke at 8:30am to my boyfriend kissing me goodbye as he was leaving for work, and as he headed out the door he stopped to let me know that BM texted him earlier this morning and told him two of the kids are sick and staying home from school and that she would be dropping them off to me at 9:15am. I must have made a small groan of displeasure because boyfriend has been texting me all morning now about how he would arrange for his mother or sister to come and "take the kids off my hands" today, and that its obvious how disgusted I am by having to take care of them. It always comes back to him relieving me by sending the kids to an actual family member. That hurts my feelings so much because I think of this as my family. But if I say I don't feel like a part of his idea of family, its then my problem because he insists they bend over backwards to make me feel included. I, however, do not feel included. We've been bickering all morning now and I feel absolutely terrible and depressed. 

I am never, ever consulted in situations like the above that directly impact my entire day. There is never a, "Would you mind watching the kids today while you work?" or "Would you be able to drive the kids to all of their practices tonight?" It is just expected that because I work from home and because I signed up for this, that I am always ready and willing to be told where I have to be and when for these kids. And then I am never thanked or acknowledged for anything. A couple of times I have mentioned that I feel more like a nanny than a partner when it comes to the kids, and it always turns into me being told I blow things out of proportion and being told maybe I should have thought twice about getting involved if I didn't truly want kids.

I am always consulted last, if even at all. I absoutely understand that the kids come first, and I do put them first. I would never say no to watching a sick child or bringing them here when its not our time just so that they don't have to spend a day alone while their mother is at work. But I'm tired of feeling like all I'm good for anymore is to be the babysitter and that being said babysitter is the only piece of my identity. I'm tired of being the one who takes care of the kids 85% of the time but never get a say in any real decisions. I'm tired of being told I am "disgusted" by the children when I voice any negative feeling, despite the fact that my boyfriend moans and groans regularly about the same things and its just fine for him to do so. I'm just frustrated and sad and I don't have a single soul I can talk to about it because I feel I will be seen as even more of a villain than I already am made to feel like I am. I found this site today and just really needed a vent and I am so appreciative I was able to find this forum. Thanks for letting me put some of my feelings into words. 

Thisisnotus's picture

please don't marry this guy. Things will never change. Trust me. He is clearly still up the BM's arse...by making plans with and then just 'letting you know". I have the same thing in my house...I am never consulted...ever...but the saving grace for me is that am not expecte and do not do a single thing for skids...I am not their babysitter, their chef, their tutor, their ride....ever.....I'd be long gone if that were the case. Occasionally I will cook them dinner when my own kids are not at home...but it's very rare. DH and MIL do everything for skids and I plan to keep it that way .

My own 3 kids could make their own snacks, do their own homework and if needed (b/c I work) stay home alone while they are sick. These kids are old enough to do that, too, so you should not be having to do those things. My step kids are the same as yours, though. It is ludacris.

My best advice is to kick them all out of your house....boyfriend included.

futurobrillante99's picture

You WORK from home. WORK!! Tell him when BM drops the kids off at the house, you're going to bring them to his job to see how much work HE gets done.

You need to put your foot down - big time. Even if you have to pack up your computer and go sit at Starbucks to work, drive home the point that if he can't have his kids with him at work, neither can you.

Gimlet's picture

Disclaimer: I'm grouchy today and right now I'm directing all of that at your idiot boyfriend.

You are going so far above and beyond in your role right now it's insane.  You are with those kids more than the parents, you have sacrificed financially, emotionally, and mentally for them.  You are caring and supportive.  But when you dare to express the fact that you are tired when your boyfriend INFORMS you that you are taking the kids for BM all of a sudden, he decides to act like a gaslighting prick??

OH. HELL. NO.

I would light up like the f*cking Trinity test site if my husband ever told me that his ex was dripping his kids off to me without asking, let alone if he decided to get an attitude about it.  That Geiger counter would be registering for weeks.

Those kids have two parents and you are not one of them.  You can choose to do things for them but you should not be expected to.  

And you are WORKING from home.  If those two ass clowns think it's ok to work and have kids around, then they should take them to work.

Set your boundaries, jb.  You decide what you want to do, and you decide how you need to be engaged.  Do not give on those boundaries.  Your boyfriend will either learn to respect them or he won't and if he doesn't then you have your answer.  It's ok to spell out what you will and won't tolerate and in steplife, it's essential.

I'm furious for you.

 

theoldredhen's picture

Thanks, Gimmy!

My hands are trembling with rage so many thanks for saving me from typing. You've said it all. 

theoldredhen's picture

Thanks, Ani!

redhen holds out her glass with trembling hand......

CLove's picture

Im sorry you are feeling like this!

Firstly - the chidren have 2 parents and you arent either one of them - you need to let go of this idea that you are their parent, and must do all and be all. Im not saying disengage, but take a few steps back.

Secondly - your feelings are not wrong and should not be invalidated by your partner. He is gaslighting you (look it up, you will see how it applies) into thinking you are the one at fault, and plays the victim, while you shake your head wondering how things got so upside down.

Thirdly - you have become his and bm's "girlfriend appliance", very useful to them. He lucked out, apparently, meeting and snagging you - kind of like Charlie who scored the "Golden Ticket", because you are a kind and hardworking person who he has turned into his children's nanny, who cooks, and cleans and chauffueres them around. And even bought a house for everyone! No wonder you feel lost, youve been sucked into this whirling vortex black hole of energy. Everyone is sucking it out of you, so you have nothing left for yourself.

Sidenote - 12-14 year olds should do their own laundry. My SD13 Munchkin has been doing hers for about since 11-ish. She can cook basic stuff too - microwaves things, including leftovers. Shes been doing that since about 10-ish. You should encourage them to be more independant in these areas as well as cleaning. Munchkin also knows how to do dishes, dust furniture and vacume.

Another point to make is that you definitely do not want to get married and/or pregnant with this guy. It sounds like they are using you. Im sorry if this sounds really harsh, but this is my impression from what you have written.

Time to have a heart to heart discussion. If they want to impose on your time, and you are willing for this to continue, then they MUST have some groundrules of notification. You MUST be included in the planning discussions.

hereiam's picture

I am disgusted by your BF's attitude, and BM thinking that she can just drop her kids off to you (and your BF thinks that that is okay?).

I spend more time with the children than the both of them do combined

Yeah, this wouldn't work for me. At all. Ever.

A couple of times I have mentioned that I feel more like a nanny than a partner when it comes to the kids, and it always turns into me and being told maybe I should have thought twice about getting involved if I didn't truly want kids.

You still have don't kids, they are not yours to take care of. He is manipulating you.

 

GoingWicked's picture

They're 12 and 14, how much "taking care of" do they really need?  I can see maybe agreeing to be there for them just as the person there for emergencies, but they better be doing something quiet while I'm working, making their own food, and cleaning up after themselves.  If you're expected to nanny for them, have that big fight that you're avoiding with your DH and change the rules. 

Gimlet's picture

And also, who acts like sick kids are some sort of prize??  

"Well, if you're not going to show some gratitude for my kids' germy needs while you work, I'll find someone who will!". 

Lol like anybody wants that.  It's one of the crappier parts of parenting. 

Edit: and he woke you up to tell you!  That is grounds for justifiable manslaughter. 

juststressedbeyondbelief's picture

You could be direct, and say "LOL, no."

or

You could be indirect, wait until BM shows up with the kids, and then tell her that you have somewhere you need to be. Alone. You could do it several times to condition her to never drive the kids over.

Seriously, the only way to stay stable in this "blended" environment (I don't really like the terms given to step "families", they are terms that are too light to decribe raising somebody else's crotch nugget kid swith high expectations.) is to be as far away from it all as possible. 

ndc's picture

You are being used, and you need to make changes - the sooner the better.

You are WORKING from home.  Tell your boyfriend and his ex that you need to WORK, and that your work is suffering for having to be an unpaid babysitter during your work hours.  These are NOT your children.  It is the responsibility of their parents to get them to their various activities, do their laundry and take care of their needs.  It is also the responsibility of their parents to PAY for their needs.  I certainly hope that, even though the house is yours, your boyfriend is contributing the majority of the household expenses.  If not, you are being used financially as well as for your free babysitting and maid services.

The reason I say you should impose these changes ASAP is that you will find out very quickly where you really stand in your relationship.  If your boyfriend truly loves you, views you as an equal partner and is worthy of your love, he will make changes.  If he gaslights, whines, complains, threatens, etc., then he's using you.  And you'll know what to do.

Having said all that, I will tell you that I watch my SDs (4 and 7) on DH's days when they're not in school.  I am the one who takes care of most of their needs while they are at our home - cooking, cleaning, laundry (although DH has been doing the laundry since our baby was born), homework, etc.  I occasionally pick up BM's slack, although I am always consulted ahead of time.  BUT - I am able to stay at home with my daughter while DH works to support the family.  I benefit from our household not having to pay for daycare.  I don't feel used, because there is a benefit to me.  In your case, you own the house, you are working - what exactly are you getting out of this?

jb384's picture

Thank you all for making me feel so validated in my feelings. I've never been in a situation like this and since I have no bio kids of my own, I've had a really tough time figuring out where the boundaries should be. I am definitely planning on having a heart to heart with him and I feel immensely less afraid to put my foot down now. 

I should note that he does pay the mortgage in full right now and he works incredibly hard to take care of us all and on the whole we have a very solid partnership. This is the only real troubling part of it all for me but it really is taking a huge emotional toll on me at the moment.
 

I appreciate all of you and your advice so much!!!

notarelative's picture

I should note that he does pay the mortgage in full right now

Depending on the laws where you live. This could be a very bad idea and you could potentially be giving him equity. You bought the house. 

Mortgages vary in size. His contribution may or may not be equitable. Food, utilities, etc add up and can be more than a mortgage. Add in that he should be paying more for expenses as the kids are there half time.

There are lots of ways to figure out money, but letting him pay the mortgage may not be the best one. You might want to consult a lawyer in your area. Knowing what the law is will allow you to protect yourself.

jb384's picture

I could, but barely. The original idea was he would take on the mortgage so I could pay off a couple of credit cards and my student loans over the next year or so and then we would split the payment after that. 

Gimlet's picture

"This is the only real troubling part of it all for me but it really is taking a huge emotional toll on me at the moment."

No kidding.  I would be exhuasted too if I was raising someone else's children for them and was not able to express the completely normal feelings of exhaustion that come with raising kids.  And make no mistake, that is what you are doing, except that you are doing all the hard parts but you don't get any say.  

You are an adult who deserves to be respected.  Your time, effort, and emotional energy should be appreciated and you should be consulted before decisions that affect you are made.  As it stands, your affection for the kids and desire to help have put you in a place of being taken completely for granted and that is where boundaries come in.  

You don't have to say that you aren't going to help, but you do need to say what requirements you have when you CHOOSE to help.  You are not a dumping ground for your boyfriend, and especially not for BM. 

One thing about boundaries, by the way.  The people who will be inconvenienced by your healthy boundaries are going to push back, and they will push back hard at first because you are forcing them to be accountable for their own responsibilities.  You will want to break, because it's going to be stressful, but that is the time you need to calmly and consistently repeat your message and enforce consequences if you have to. 

Best of luck, JB.  You don't have to live like this.  I'm hoping a poster named exjuliemccoy sees this, she gives great advice on boundaries. 

 

hereiam's picture

It is just expected that because I work from home and because I signed up for this, that I am always ready and willing to be told where I have to be and when for these kids.

Who says that you signed up to be their "go to girl"? I would demand to see that contract.

I never wanted kids and being with my DH did not change that. He never once just assumed that I would babysit, cook for, or otherwise take care of his daughter just because I chose to be with him and he had a kid. I still remained childless.

 

lieutenant_dad's picture

Your BF needs you a hell of a lot more than you need him. And I'd remind him of that. I'd remind him of whose home he lives in and whose money paid for it. If he doesn't like that you won't be a doormat, then he can scoot on down the road with his kids in tow.

You matter more than this, and if he doesn't agree, then don't give him a chance to convince you otherwise. "Bye Felicia" his arse!

tog redux's picture

Wow. How much do nannies make? You should be making that on top of your wages from your job.  What did they do before you supposedly "signed up" to be an unpaid nanny?

You are being taken advantage of by both of them, I'd put a stop to that, right now. If your BF isn't happy with it, then you will know why he's kept you around. 

missginger's picture

Wow and to think I was annoyed today thinking SD was coming here 3 hours early. I could neve rhave the patience you have. I hate when anyone else is here when I am woking form home. Let alone 2 sick kids! Eitehr they are too you ng to be on their own so they need to have a babysitter (since you need to work) OR they can take car eof themsleves which to me means they stay home at BM's.

SM12's picture

You are living exactly what I went through.  My DH and BM would plans for me to watch his three kids whenever they wanted because I too worked from home.  They decided every day after school until BM got off work unless it was DHs days.  Then I was stuck until he got off work at 8 pm.   And my DH worked every weekend.  I finally snapped and said DONE.

i have them a week to find after school arrangements for the kids.  Which were feee through the school.  And I told DH to never ever volunteer me to keep his kids without asking me first.   

I started making my own plans and doing things when I suspected DH was going to spring them on me.  Because that will happen next.  You will

put your foot down and DH will agree.  Then suddenly you will get stuck with them because it is an emergency or last minute urgent need.   That just happens to happen every week at the same time.   

I became so resentful I was ready to throw my DH out.  I told him to go live with his mother on his kid days.  

After the dust settled and DH/BM got stuck dealing with their own kids a few times they finally got the hint.

And ask your DH If he can take his kids to work with him all day...if he says no then point out that is exactly what he is demanding you do.  

 

juststressedbeyondbelief's picture

Reading stuff like this always makes me sooooo stinking angry. What we have today is a society with a 32% overall single parent rate (US Census Data). 1 in every freaking 3 people have kids with no daddy or mommy around.

Did men change? Did women change? Did the kids change?

No. Society has deemed it acceptable to dump off relationships with children on a whim. It's not even frowned upon to dump off a nuclear family for any reason, which leads to adults wanting to STILL HAVE RELATIONSHIPS while carrying 60 metric asstons of baggage.

Then, unsuspecting people like you and I come around, are love-bomb-nuked until we're made of glass, and then taken a huge dump on by the children who we didn't bear, and by the parents who expect to have a "nice happy family" after dumping the man/woman they impregnated.

The district that I personally teach in has a single parenthood rate of more than 80%. It is absolutely the worst place I've ever seen in my entire life as far as behavior/respect/education is concerned, because "mummy and daddy ain't in the home, they in the club every night" trying to find some dudechick to pay the bills.

You should NOT be dealing with this garbage. Find a childless man, and dump them OFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF. Teach your children the importance of family and children, so they don't also grow up to have terrible kids.

Sorry about that rant, I just exploded on the keyboard. What you're going through is what society at large deems as acceptable, and it's complete and utter BULLSHIT.

Siemprematahari's picture

Your BF and BM have a sweet deal going here but darlin' there is no way in hell you should be doing ALL and/or any of this. You are a certified live in nanny that keeps BF's bed warm. Just because you work from home doesn't mean you take over parenting duties for these kids. How is it possible that you spend more time with these kids than their own parents? Don't you see something wrong here?? They make decisions about THEIR kids and don't have the decency to consult you? I have so many questions but the most important one is why do you allow this? 

You are not even married to this man and playing wifey? Please look at this situation and when you have that heart to heart, tell him your expectations and what you will and will  not do and tolerate. Their are no negotiations in this nonsense. He either respects you or he finds another Nanny/GF.

This is insane!

skatermom's picture

WHOOOAAAAA!!! - I didn't even read any of the other responses yet, but I will.  I am 10 years in and a stepmother to 3 girls and have 2 BDs.  Fist off, the kids do NOT come first, YOU do, your marriage does!! Hell to the NOO would I ever let the ex dump the kids off when I am working from home.  Are you crazy?? You are being treated like a damn door mat!

You are not responsible to to any of his parenting.  I don't do a damn think for my stepkids.  I don't help with homework, drive them anywhere or attend any school functions.  I don't get involved in their messy rooms or anything else.  I do have a clean home, well stocked fridge and that is pretty much all I will do.  

WAKE UP!!

 

ITB2012's picture

I didn't have it exactly like you (I don't work from home), but I have had the displeasure of DH and BM making plans for me and even using me as the bad guy without even asking me about the thing ("I'm still thinking about it but I know ITB doesn't want you to do X." Seriously). It took a nuclear meltdown, magically being busy everytime I was told what I was going to be doing, and making sure to bring up the topic and say in front of the kids that I thought X was a terrific idea.

You aren't married to him. Don't do it. Find a roommate or two for the house to help with the mortgage for a while.

Merry's picture

Yikes. How did you get to where you are with all this childcare responsibility? Did you do one or two nice things, and that turned into five or six? Agree to watch them once and it's become habit? Or did you (like many of us) try really, really hard to make sure the kids like you? OR is this a case of woman = childcare and your BF just expects it because, well, vagina? (But that doesn't explain BM's part in this--she's just got a free babysitter.)

You have GOT to find your voice before you drown here. It's great you like these kids but they are not yours to parent. Do not for one second believe you are required to do anything because you "signed up for it." You didn't. You signed up to be a girlfriend to a man that has kids. That in no way makes you the nanny, ever. You are not a villian either. Get that out of your head and vocabulary. Are the parents villians for not wanting to watch their own kids? No? Then neither are you.

I hope your BF is rational and he stops using you this way. Right now he sounds like a selfish jerk.

SteppedOut's picture

You will only always come in last place, if you accept that for yourself. DON'T accept that for yourself! 

Husband's wife's picture

I understand this BF and BM, why shouldn't they take advantage of such a rare opportunity? Invade someone else's house, mind their own business while the kids are under control, have food etc etc.

 

what I do not understand is you. For the Christ's sake, this is YOUR house, your day, your work, your life! Maybe you have a victim personality and you like to complain about all these people taking advantage of you? - this I can understand, happens a lot. 
Other than that why didn't you tell them "thank you, I have my own plans". Or "this is too bad, I am about to leave" ?

tog redux's picture

Yes, this is a good point. OP - why is it so hard for you to say NO? If your DH gets mad enough to divorce you over it, then good riddance.

Exjuliemccoy's picture

My goodness, is this for real?

In steplife, you HAVE to be able to stand up for yourself, to say NO/that doesn't work for me, and know what your role is and IS NOT. Everyone in steplife has their own agenda, so it's easy to get run over or exploited if you don't SPEAK UP. Boundaries are EVERYTHING. Your bf never learned how to be a single parent; he just went out and got an Instamommy, and expects things to be like they were when he was married. As for BM, she's just making the most of a freebie, isn't she?

The way it works best is, the parents coparent and handle all things pertaining to their children. Partners are there to support their partner, not to be used as a parenting proxy. You have zero obligation to lift a finger for your bf's kids, and to help BM is ridiculous. There's no template for being in a stepfamily, so it's easy to makes mistakes. But OP, you need to own your part in this mess and either end or recalibrate your relationship.

  • It was a mistake to become involved with a man who hadn't established himself as a single parent.
  • It was a mistake to move in together so quickly.
  • It was a mistake to buy a house "with" someone you'd only been dating for a short time.
  • It was a mistake become the unpaid nanny.
  • It was a mistake to assume parenting tasks like homework, transport, etc.

If you want to stay in this relationship, then you need to be willing to stand tall and tell your bf (not even a husband - Lord, the gall of this guy!) that the present arrangement doesn't work for you and he and BM will have to find another nanny. Be prepared for blame shifting and pushback, because takers never like it when a dorrmat stops doormatting.

somethingwicked's picture

It takes 2 to tango..in this situation it's 3 doing some awkward dance where the odd man out getting their toes tromped on is you.

LET BF send his children to his family to babysit. You have to let go of any guilt you have been brainwashed or talked yourself into feeling because that is how it sounds.Did you choose this man because he has children and you wanted a ready made family? Or just accepted the whole package with no questions or thoughts about how it would work?

You bought a house with the children in mind.You are their caretaker when he or bioho is not available and that is frequently ,it appears. If he had not found you  what ever would he do where the kids are concerned? Or his EX? THEY are BOTH happy to take advantage of you and you ,out of some sense of love loyalty or  misplaced guilt ,are happy to oblige  ;but your bitterness is growing. Do you feel like you are being used? Coz you are.

Maybe BF is trying to keep his EX happy post a "bitter "divorce and maybe trying to appease her at your expense.If there are other people BF can entrust his children to when BM wants to dump them then let him do that and make the arrangements. YOU,on the other hand,  send mix signals to him when you act like you want  to help him and then" groan with displeasure" at last minute changes.

Stop feeling like this is your resonsibility.IT is NOT.Stop feeling guilty.BF and BioHo don't seem to mind taking you for granted.No guilt there.Right? And Ho is happy to leave the children alone.If the 14 year old is dependable he could keep an eye on the younger tweens . If Dependable. If not it still  is between BF and his EX to figure out. And you should not be their GO TO  first and last answer in  child care.

Stop taking his kids when it is NOT his C.O. time ..and stop taking them when HE is not home .

Time for the conversation where you come clean ,tell awesome BF you can't do this .His EX has a responsibility to care for their children when she is supposed to have them and if she can't she must arrange a  babysitter and it isn't you.

BF is happy to put YOUR concerns deadlast..the pecking order is:

HIM(coz you are meeting ALL his needs  caring for the kids and keeping his EX off his back ..maybe he won't have to pay hear her b!tch or  more CS if he plays nice at your expense)

HER (she can dump the kids any old time ..you are the sucker ready to take care of her children ..no matter they are sweet and respectful..they are not your responsibility EVER .You can be  a generous friend to them but you are not the parent unless you legally adopt them. BTW ~Is HoBag paying you for your time?   NO?..you are an all day sucker..not just a little lollypop)

The SKIDS( their needs are gonna always be  met ~ by YOU ! And BF knows you are spinelesss ..um..er ..I meant IN LOOOVVEE with him SOOO much you will sacrifice your self,time, self respect ,mental health ~all that for him..)

YOU ..deadlast.The circle is complete .

And no one shives a git about what YOU need..your profession can suffer ,your hair can fall out from stress trying to juggle all theses plates that are not yours to juggle .WHY are you trying to keep them allup in the air? Are you afraid someone won't love you ?Won't accept that you are not going to be their hero or if you say no they will gas light you with the old"oh you don't really love me" BS line?

That cuts both ways that line .If he throws that on you for not being the on call  au pair /maid you throw it back at him for  treating you with such disrespect and such  worthlessness. 

Please practice saying NO..NO Way..Sorry I cannot .I will not ~ you will have to make other arrangements.

You WILL always come in last place until you step out of this rat race BF and his EX entered you  .Don't wait for the next surprise skid dump . Have  this convo tonight with BF ~the one about how you cannot  be the parent to HIS and HER children. 

 

 

Rags's picture

No, the kids never come first.  No kids ever should take priority over the marriage/adult relationship at the heart of the blended family or the heart of any family for that matter.

Kids are the top relationship responsibility, but never the top priority above the marriage and the marriage partners.  Period!

I agree with everyone else.  Your SO is a PITA and waste of skin as a parent. As is the BM.

I would say that it is time to invoke the "no more" mantra with both of the breeders.  No more notifying you that BM is on the way with the Skids.  No more doint YOU favors by arranging care for the Skids.  

Time to print and post the SPBOR, get it framed, and hang it in a prominant place in your home.

It is also time for DH and BM to get day care for their spawn.   You are a professional who works from home. That does not make you the live iin beck and call girl with benefits for your BF and for damned sure not for BM.  Watching the Skids during BM's time would never happen if I were you and would only happen in a very structured manner with your DH during his time with his kids ... also if I were  you.

Here is the Step-Parent Bill of Rights (S-PBOR).

Step-Parent Bill of Rights

1-I will be part of the decision-making process in my marriage and family at all times.

2-People outside the immediate family - including ex-wives or husbands, in-laws and adult children - cannot make plans that affect my life without my consent.

3-I will not be responsible for the welfare of children for whom I can set no limits.

4-I must be consulted about which children will live with us, when they can visit and how long they will stay.

5-I will not be solely responsible for housework; chores will be distributed fairly.

6-I will be consulted regarding all family financial matters.

7-Others may not violate my private space at home, nor take or use my possessions without my permission.

8-I will never be treated as an "outsider" in my own home.

9-My husband or wife and stepchildren must treat me with respect.

10-Our marriage is our first priority, and we will address all issues together.

11- As an equity partner in the marriage I will be an equity parent to any child in our home regardless of biology. (I added this one).

Dizzyjell's picture

And come in last. And always will. It sucks. I think it's  b.s. that she is bringing HER SICK kids to you, to expose you to illness. If THEIR kids are sick, they have a responsibility to stay at home with them. Would you drop your sick kid off with someone who isn't their parent? No, you wouldn't.  You'd have to stay home from work/not work. You are being taken for a ride, especially when he gets angry at you saying you are displeased by having to watch them. Like ya suck it up, you gotta watch sick kids while you're working. Notice you still have to work at home and are tasked with watching someone else's sick, germy kids. Ugh. I'm angry for you. Put your foot down. It never gets better. Steplife sucks.