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I was dumped and discarded after 5 years together

discardedanddumped00's picture

I was told I was not capable of being a full time mom even though I was always good with his kids and nice to them. I also work two jobs. I am beyond devastated. Our entire relationship has been back and forth and ups and downs because of his temper, my disconnecting and his willingness to get angry and kick me out of his house if I am not perfect with his kids or god forbid I call his kids out on their behavior. I was always nice to them but I do not like entitled people who are not nice to me at times. I blame myself for disconnecting as much as I did and leaving when he told me to and not spekaing to him for long periods of time. However I was hurt. I am a high anxiety person anyways who is prone to depression and anxious thoughts anyways and I am not dealing with this well at all. My ex and his kids were my life for the past five years as I have little family where I live. The final straw was him going off and raging on me after spending the day with his daughter who was snotty to me. He was also mad because I stopped paying for his kids meals and activities and only paid for my own. We were not married and his kids were being ungracious. I disconnected and he went off on me and kicked me out. I am not delaing with this well at all. He has already met someone new and I just don't understand what I did to deserve this when I made my life all about him. We were supposed to get married and have a life together and it makes me feel like everything was fake. Right now my depression and anxiety are threw the roof and I cannot sleep. 

discardedanddumped00's picture

He has already met someone new and has told me I can no longer be part of his kids lives. He has basically cut me out of everyones lives and he unfriended and blocked me on facebook and had his family do the same. I was always nice to his kids and good with them even though it was not always reciprocated. They were my life for the past five years and I cared for them. He always complained I worked too much and I wasn't capable of the full time mom thing because I only saw him 3 times a week (if I went ot his place) but please tell me how can someone be there for you when they don't even live in your state and they live halfway across the country? His new gf lives thousands of miles a way and it's not like he has plane ticket money. He had his ultilites shut off twice when we were together and got irked when I wouldn't pay for his kids meals.

discardedanddumped00's picture

Yes but I feel like I failed somehow. It doenst make it easier. I tried so hard and now I miss him terribly. I do not udnerstand what I did wrong.

Gimlet's picture

I'm so sad that you believe any of this treatment was somehow your fault and that it was OK.  You were behaving as a reasonable person in asking that his children treat you with respect.  What was not reasonable was the expectation that you would be their full time mom.  It's physically impossible to work two jobs and be a full time mom, as well as the fact that you aren't their mother, period.  I'm not saying that a SM cannot be a mother figure, but nothing about this set up says that any of the expectations were reasonable.  Where is their birth mother?

This man is looking for someone to have sex with him, pay for him and his kids, and take his kids off his hands.  He's willing to repay you with abusive and disparaging behavior.  Why would you sign up for that?  No sex is that good. 

Who he is dating now is irrelevant.  Hanging on to anything about this awful man does you no favors.  It does not matter who he dates and why he dates them.  What's important for you is that you figure out why you are OK with being treated this way,  A good counselor should be able to help you get to the bottom of it. 

discardedanddumped00's picture

He wasn't always bad. We had many good times and he could be very nice and caring at times. He just had times where he wasn't and also his expectations were unreasonable. I was ok with being treated this way because I have anxiety and depression and it was an escape. Birth mom is still in the picture and involved in their lives but only on the weekends.

GhostWhoCooksDinner's picture

I've been there. But I realized, once I was away from the situation, that it was more dysfunctional than I thought. I deserved so much better, and so do you! One day- sooner rather than later- you'll thank God you got out of this mess.  Don't let anxiety and depression tell you anything different- they lie.  (((((((Hugs)))))))

Evil3's picture

I think you have posted under another name recently???? Your story sounds very familiar. Anyway, I too ended up in situations where I could not ever do enough to please the other person. I ended up in hospital at one point from physically exhausting myself and even cutting down on sleep to get everything done that I needed to do to get that love and approval that I sooooo badly needed. Turning yourself inside out to do everything you need to do to get that love and approval from a selfish piece of shit never works. I was caught in the abused person’s mindset that once I finally get it right and finally make myself good enough or prove myself, the person will finally love me. That’s how abused people are programmed.

You will have to accept the fact that you will never understand your narcissistic personality disordered ex and you will never understand how he could throw you in the garbage the way he did after you sold your soul to try to be good enough. 

If you are the same person who has posted under other names with the same theme: being discarded and you not understanding, it shows that you are in dire need of validation. You can give that to yourself. Go for counseling so that you can realize your worth. When you learn that you can give yourself the approval and validation you need, you won’t give a shit about your ex or anyone else in your life who has failed you. I recommend counselling so that you can reprogram yourself and accept only healthy people in your life who are worthy of you. Narcissists aren’t capable of loving. Your ex is a loathsome sack of shit. He’s not worth space in your head and he sure as hell isn’t worthy of your love. Healthy people don’t use people and discard them.

DHsfamilyfromhell's picture

I’m very sorry you are going through this, being this heartbroken is not easy.

Some men suffer from grass is greener syndrome. It may benefit you not take what people such as your ex say at face value. 

I hope this gets better for you. 

Curious Georgetta's picture

that you are feeling this pain.  Truth is that you cannot force someone to love you nor can you force yourself to love someone.

Love cannot be held hostage.

The 2 of you did what you did and acted in keeping with your respective characters.  Sadly, that combination of actions and behavior was not sufficient to sustain a relationship between the two of you.

This does not signal failure on anyone's part. It just signals that the two of you were not compatible partners.

Every separation comes with some pain but it also offers the potential for growth and an opportunity for self reflection.

Stop thinking about him and get help in trying to understand why you are willing to accept any kind of poor treatment rather than being alone.

If you do not love and value your self, you will always project the image of someone who is valueless and unlovable.

You will get better when you do better.

 

 

NoWireCoatHangarsEVER's picture

You were with a barbed wire monkey!  You need therapy and to learn how to love yourself and fix your broken picker.

"I use the analogy here a lot of the Barbed Wire Monkey. Did you know bad monkey love was a famous scientific study?

This scientist, Harry Harlow, studied primate bonding by putting baby monkeys in a cage with their real monkey mommies and other baby monkeys in a cage with barbed wire mommy substitutes, which were wrapped in a thin veneer of terry cloth.

The babies with the barbed wire mommies tried to bond with that thing.

I’ve used this as an analogy as to why we keep cheaters.

Even though they get pricked and are bleeding and the entire experience sucks, inside their little baby monkey brains, they must be thinking… something better than this exists. But they haven’t experienced it. So they cling hard to the barbed wire monkey. Of course, the babies with the REAL mommies are thriving.

Moral of the story? Step out of the cage and go find some REAL monkeys to bond with. It’s scary to leave the barbed wire monkey — but if you find the courage to do it, you’ll experience true monkeys. You don’t know what you’ve been missing."

ldvilen's picture

It has taken me many, many years to realize that some people are just arses.  Plain and simple. Usually what they all have in common are: 

They feel special to the point of being beyond reproach, they lack empathy, they need people to admire them, they care about status, they are too self-absorbed to listen to you.  Some people would call them narcissists.  Narcissists, arses, toxic, and so on.  There are many names for people such as these who just need to be recognized for what they are--self-centered nincompoops who wouldn't even know a diamond if they held it in their hand, and they need to be avoided.  No use trying to overanlyze them.

OP--you were a diamond that this arse just threw away because he thinks it is all about him and thinks the grass will be greener on the other side.  He is a sick SOB who thinks nothing of letting you take the fall for his ineptness.  Please recognize him for what he was--an arse--and move on.  

You are much better off alone than you are with someone like this.  You may not be willing to admit this yet, but at the root of your anxiety and depression (or what is making it worse) was him.  Arses, for some reason, always know how to use your weaknesses against you to get what they want.

Take time off, if you can, and do things that you alone want to do and enjoy.  Even simple things.  Lie in bed and eat a pint of Ben & Jerry's, read a book you always wanted to read.  I realize it is much harder to cope with losing the children, so to speak.  But, as we say over and over, SMs basically have zero rights when it comes to a divorce or seperation that involves someone else's children.  Just one of the many risks we take and get little, if any, credit for.

A man or woman with kids almost always means more drama.  Just the way it is.  If you have or continue to have anxiety and depression once you work with someone to move on from this, do not get involved with a man with kids ever again.  When a woman with no children gets involved with a man with children, the relationship is starting out extremely lopsided already, with the gal falling to the bottom of the guy's priority list much of the time.  You'd think a man would realize that any woman without kids who would suck it up and take it for him and his kids time after time must be a diamond, but, instead, a lot of men just take advantage of it and want more, more, more.  Shame on them, if that is the case.  There should be no shame on you.

 

discardedanddumped00's picture

Thank you. I needed this. Even though I am sad about the break up and midly depressed my anxiety has decreased a ten fold already.

daphne_40x's picture

DND - I'm really sorry this has taken such a toll on your self esteem.  I hope you realize that you need exercise to generate serotonin to feel better. If you can at least take a 15 minute walk every day it will help.  You also seriously need therapy to change the messages you are telling yourself.  It's not your fault.  If you do the hard work to letting him go and understanding that he's abusive, he was scapegoating you and that you are better off without him, later you will feel 1000 times happier.  I promise you.  But you have to change your thinking.  You have to decide that you have one life to live and that you are willing to do the work to be happy.  Because this relationship wasn't ever going to make you happy in the long run.  

Rags's picture

Evict this guy from your head and heart.  He used you as a sugar mama and surrogate mother for his prior relationship spawn and when you cut off othe gravy train he replaced you.

You won.  Enjoy that victory.  Do not lament the loss of this shallow and polluted gene pool in your life.  I understand that you invested your time, money and heart into this relationship and did not get an equity return for that investment.  But what you did get was out of that genetic cesspool and your life back.  Relish in that victory and enjoy the start of your new life adventure.

Take care of you.

And do not re-engage, do not take any calls, do not read any messages or emails from him. Embrace your grief and recovery and it will move quickly. If  you re-engage all the pain resets and the recovery has to begin again.

Deep breaths and enjoy your new life.

shamds's picture

He is after a maid, not a partner.

you were never their mum and that expectation and responsibility was never on you. If thr 2 bio parents wont grow up and be responsible for their kids, then why should you

BethAnne's picture

Look up about the cycle of abuse. Just because you love him and had good times together does not mean that this relationship was healthy for you. He probably targeted you because of your mental health struggles and made you believe that he is the only one who would “put up” with them. He was wrong and a bad bad bad partner for you. Him dumping you is the best thing he could do for you. Block all contact with him NOW. 

Reach out to a friend or some family, even if it is online or by text if they are far away. You have people that care about you and will give you some moral support and help you through this painful transition period. 

You can do this and move on to better things. 

Siemprematahari's picture

Wishing you love OP......and that you have the strength and wisdom to realize that you deserve so much better than this. He already replaced you without a blink of an eye. This was never love, he just wants someone to help finance his kids, warm up his bed at night, and to babysit them.....

Hugs!

This too shall pass.

discardedanddumped00's picture

Thank you and I agree. Anytime I mentioned anything at all (his kids behaviors (which were allowed to go on for way too long), his odd social media activity, his mothers invasiveness, his finances, etc.) he would blow up at me, yell at me and call me names. Literally. And threaten to kick me out of his house. I would in return leave and disengage out of being hurt. That is not how adults deal with issues.  Looking back I believe he was looking for someone to help him raise his kids, pay his bills and sleep with him yet they could have no voice, no wants, needs nor desires long term. Basically a doormat. I stood up for myself finally and I was discarded then replaced. This hurt me . I did see the signs a while back and ignored them. He's irresponsible with money, has a bad temper (even with his mother and his kids), is stuck to his phone 24/7, he regularly used other people in his life (his ex, me, his mother, ex in laws, etc) to get things he wanted and needed at the time. He took another mortgage against his house and refinanced his home twice to pay off his credit card debt which he was still accumulating quickly again. He would rarely go into work and got his job through someone he knew. I felt he believed he was above it and above others in general. He is a bonafide entitled spoiled brat who never grew up with narcissistic and sociopathic tendencies.  He would lie about his whereabouts when his ex would call and he was with me and lie to me about his ex being over at his place. He is just a user. The family was weird too. Overly emenshed and overly involved beyond the appropriate age. I believe it was cultural however at least in the case of most cultures with emenshed families all family memebers are contributing in one way or another.  Him and his siblings seemed to be leaching off of the widowed mother yet she allowed it. I have sympathy for his current girlfriend as she has no idea what she is getting into. To live a life where you are just contributing and you have no voice whatsoever would be draining. And I do not believe he is trustworthy either. He lied constantly. He would take things from people without asking. He was shady with other things.When he gets bored or grows tired of her he will be online looking for someone else and putting her down. Give it time. I actually feel sorry for his kids. I can't imagine what it is like to have a parent like that.

2nd wives club's picture

He sounds like a user narcissist type. He probably had GF waiting in the wings when he split up with you. It's what narcs do.

Don't be too hard on yourself. He should've been thanking his lucky stars that he had you.

markwvualum's picture

Good for you for getting away from this abusive toxic Ahole. You won! You may not realize it now but you did! You won the lottery! Congratulations! He needs to hire a nanny to raise his spawn, another job to make more money instead of looking for a woman to solve his money issues for him and he needs a psychiatrist to figure out why he is an abuser and so immature for his age. Be so glad he is no longer part of your life. You are better off. Try and have sympathy for his kids and his new girlfriend. They are in for a life of hell with this loser.  His mother raised him to be this way and she probably still thinks it is ok he acts like this. It is not. She is an enabler. 

CLove's picture

But hopefully by now you are on the road to healing and finding your joy in life.

I reccomend going to therapy however, becaue you absolutely do not want to end up in a situation like this ever again.