My BM doesnt want me to have a good relationship w/her kids.. she even leaves me off the emergency medical letter when my DH and I take the skids away...

I have asked dh in the past.. would she be happier if I was horrible to the skids and beat them??? because I think that she should have no worries and no complaints as we (and I mean ME) take them to things that kids like to do... we taught them how to ride bikes, ice skate and done crafts w/them.. She absolutely HATES all that.. to the point where her 9 yr old twins dont have bikes at their home!!

I am afraid to say.. you are F'd if you do and F'd if you dont. You are in a no win situation. They are mad when you do too much and too little.. and I honestly think they would be mad if you were somewhere in the middle as well.

I say... keep doing what feels right and comfortable to you, and the next time she calls to "ream" you out.. HANG UP! you dont have to listen to her or her verbal diaheria...

I am sure if you were your bf's sister and you painted sd's nails, or called her sweety or honey or said I love you to her that she would have no problem whatsoever! She cant control WHO loves her child.

As many can attest to on this site. With SD only being 2, I'm sure she'll never be able to sort it out later. My SD was 9 when I met her, and she wanted me to be her mom, because her own is mentally ill. BM figured this out and has a whole history of one liners to degrade me to SD. BM tells SD:

"That Bitch is NOT your mom."
"You only have ONE mom."
"Those brats are not your brothers."
"You are the most important and your dad better know that" (In reference to BD being born.)
"Did you tell that bitch that you don't want to live with me????"
"I know you call her mom- how DARE you call that bitch MOM!"
Etc etc etc.

SD may know deep down somewhere it's wrong, but she has decided I'm not her mom now, even yelling that at me a few weeks ago.

This is a tough road for all of us for sure.

Peace, love, and red wine

The next time she calls to bitch you out, there are 2 approaches I would take, either hang up (they stop talking when you do that) or just ask her what does she want you to do? Explain to her that she's mad if you ignore her daughter and mad if you don't. Sometimes putting them on the spot like that helps, sometimes not. I used to tell people, "be strong, it will get better...", I now realize it doesn't, it sucks and will as long as skids are in Dh's life (which is forever). Maybe I am too jaded, but damn, they kinda make you that way!

My SD is 2 years old and BM threw a fit because i too painted her daughters nails, put barrettes in her hair, dress her a certain way and so on and so on. My SD even calls me mommy. I just ignore BM. Nothing she can say or do will make me change the way i am with her. If she didnt want me to do that with her daughter then she should of thought of that BEFORE she divorced her husband. If she is worried about some other woman in her daughters life then that is just too bad. I would continue to show affection to your SD. You need to avoid talking to her on the phone. Avoid any contact with her. Just straight out tell her that she has no authority of what you do with her daughter in your home. That is what i had to do. I find it quite childish and immature. If my ex husbands wife painted my 6 years old nails and did her hair then GREAT! SHe needs to take care of my daughter. I am totally convinced that this is a power struggle. SHe is trying to control what you do for her daughter. Dont fall into the trap. You do what makes your SD happy. If baby mama dont like it too bad. What can she do, take you to court for taking care of her daughter??? You need to remind her that its just not her daughter its "OUR" daughter. Meaning she needs to share with 2 other people other than herself. Good luck with that. But I can totally write a book on all the petty crap BM has done and said to me about her 2 year old.

"Still waiting to get my life back"

I just had to chime in on this one. I can't believe that BM doesn't want you to love her daughter. I'm completely in shock. I am a SM and a BM. My ex's 3rd wife was wonderful to my daughter and I was very happy about that. I was afraid she would be mean to her because of her hatred of me but it was totally the opposite. She hated me and trust me the feeling was mutual BUT she was good to my baby and that was all I really cared about anyway.

I still can't believe some of these BM's that are STILL pissed off that they are divorced and DH moved on....ridiculous. I will probably never understand the logic behind it...I guess it would HAVE to be mental illness.

I would still do everything that you currently do with SD and just don't be a part of BM's pity party or pissy party or whatever she calls the fit she is pitching with you. I would call her out just like robinson said to do....listen to her stutter for awhile....UH UH UH.....

Continue doing what you do. Forget that psycho. She is jealous and insecure. Biologically I do not have children of my own. But I don't think that when I do, I would want someone living with my kids, to be cold and uncaring. She is your SD and you know that. By doing girly things, caring for her and including her in your life this not going to change the fact that you are not her mother. SD already knows that. So she has another person in her life who loves her and treats her well...there is nothing wrong with that.
BM in our situation has told FH in e-mails (of course not to my face) that I need to but out b/c " I am not the mommy". I help her do her hair, buy her clothes and take care of her "like" a mom would when she is in our home. She should be happy that she has a good mother figure in her Dad's home. I could be a bitch and completely treat her like an animal because she is not mine...but why? She can't help that she is also a part of BM too.
Like I said, just smile when you see her and don't get into the habit of not being around when she picks up daughter. Don't let her think your afraid. Swallow the emotion and put on a happy face, be pleasant and courteous in front of SD during exchanges, etc. SD will see soon enough what her mom is really like.

Don't argue with her anymore or ever again. Leave all that up to the DH. And the next time she wants to scream at you or about you, tell her, "I'm sorry you feel that way..." and then give the phone back to DH.

Your SD's BM is terribly jealous of another woman taking care of her child. She's being very immature but it's still a natural reaction. She's a woman who is having a hard time dealing with a new "mother" figure in her daughter's life. I am a biomom and I've been guilty of that same jealous feeling. One time my youngest son wanted to go snowboarding with his daddy's (my ex's) GF because she was "a lot better" than me.....I'm secure enough and mature enough not to call the girl and tell her - "I'm his mom, not you!" but it still tugged at my heart strings. Your SD's BM is just overreacting to a very harmless situation. I would encourage DH to explain to BM that SD has only two parents and no one is trying to change that.

My skids BM was a lot like yours 3 years ago...always upset when I did their hair, took them shopping, painted their nails, that sort of thing. I am the biomom of two boys so I went a little nuts with the girl stuff when I welcomed them into my life. But what's worked for me is I would have the girls ask BM permission to do certain things to show that I respected her as their mother. Like when they want to cut their hair, DH always asks BM what style she thinks or I would give the girls magazines to take to BMs house to pick out a style with her.

I don't want to be their mother, all I want is to help out when they are in my home. The second I got that through BMs thick skull - she's lightened up a great deal.

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass...It's about learning to dance in the rain."

Hi

I think that your are being a great step-mom to you sd. No don't change the way you act with sd as what your doing comes naturally. My sd speaks nicely of mother to me even now I'm 22. How she really feels I don't have a clue but could imagine.

I think she is feeling scared that your taking her place as her dd mother. Your not but whatever you your sd must go home and say so and so done this for me etc. That must make her jealous and think she is not taking my dd away. Not sure if your relationship started as an affair or they broke up before you and dp got together. She most probably thinks she is not taking my dd as well.

I know she may dislike you but to me its more of being jealous. Maybe you should tell her that your not trying to take her place and never will. Tell I'm treating your fine and ask her what stories have you told your sd. Most probably you have said something and sd gone back to her mother and she twisted it up. Or took it the wrong way.

My mother is jealous of my step-mum and our relationship. In my situation my dad started an affair with my step-mum. I get on well with my sm which my mum don't like. What is even more making her feel jealous now aswell is I got a baby ages 1. She asked about if he called her nanny or if she said nanny to him can't remember but as my step-mum was saying that I had to lie and say no. Another thing my step-mum is treating me like her daughter and tell I am her dd which I feel is wrong.

I think its not the case bm don't want you to treat their dd good. Ofcourse they want you to treat their dd great.
Its if you and their dd gets so close to the point she feels she's not needed as her mum anymore.
I'm not sure whether the bm paints her dd nails herself at home or don't do. Maybe if she does at home you done it then maybe your sd says to her mother so and so does these colours on my nails etc and prefers you to do it. This would make the bm jealous feeling that what time she may have with her dd painting nails is taking away. Ofcourse if your being nasty to you sd the bm will love as they know their dd with always love them not you. Calling your step-mum mummy well is a nice thing and one of you say you don't care how she feels. The bm will feel again her own dd don't need her as her mummy anymore.
In my view on this your step-mum need to be the better woman. If you want to paint you dd nails maybe ask the bm for her permission or get your dps to ask. If she says not then leave. At the end of the day you are not her mother at all. When the step-mum calls you mummy you need to say that your flattered my her (sd) calling you this but would perfer not her to call you this. As she has a mother and her mummy will feel upset and not needed a mum. If it was fine by her mother then its okay. When she grows up she will know she got her bio and step-mum and say they both been great to me.

As I said I'm a sd and I call my step-mum by her first name. Because of certain things that happened in the past and still goes on now I feel more comfortable by calling her by her name. Which I know my mum probably happy about.
My step-mum are getting close again and she really loves my baby boy. At the moment though I'm not getting on with mum but we do its great.
Another thing you got to think about is that both the step-mum and bm are different. Like you may eat healthy food and the bm don't and sd maybe prefer your food. All it good be you not eating healthy and the sd likes the takeways or foods you get. You might do things with you sd that the bm can't afford to do. So think you lot are being abit harsh.

If the bm is being out of line don't let her get you mad just tell your dp your not going to speak to her anymore. For me as a bm think I would feel the same to be honest not obviously upset you making up stories. As I you know your not so you know already thats not true. Obviously I would be upset about say my dd nails being done as maybe I like doing them. Whether its the sm or someone in the family maybe she don't want anyone taking her place as her mum. Its could be an aunt or cousin. Stupid really but at the end of the day she is only your sd. If the bm don't agree with her dd nails being done then you need to stop doing it as maybe theirs a reason she don't do it. She may feel she is too young.

If its the case she is just nasty just leave the bm and carry on treating your sd how you normally do.