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I want a honeymoon

wendy5468's picture

My husband and I got married in July of this year, but we didn't take a honeymoon because we had the wedding at my parents' house out of state...and since we had to take time off from work to get there, etc., we agreed to put a honeymoon on hold. We also have some finacial things to get out of the way, and we'd like to pay down our debt before taking a vacation together.

However, the week of our wedding, my husband took his 14 year old son to Virginia for football quarterback training. I supported them taking a "guy trip" together as I'm trying to be the loving and supportive stepmom. I agreed to their trip and the money that would be spent on it (about $1000--money that *could* have gone to our honeymoon). My husband and SS had a great time together and they left the training to drive to Ohio for our wedding. I think that the fact they took this trip together a few days before our wedding "softened the blow" for my SS when we got married.

My husband and I have been married almost 6 months now and we have been doing a great job paying down our debt.

Last night, my husband informed me that his son wants to take another "guy trip" again next summer (to go back to Virginia to that football training center). My husband doesn't get vacation time at his job, but he does get the week of July 4th off (that was the week we got married) and that's when they are taking their trip. I told my husband that it would mean a lot to me if we could be together on our one year anniversary. He told me I could go with them or fly up there to meet them when the football training was over.

I told him I would have to think about it. The thing is, I am sad that he isn't even considering planning a trip--even a weekend trip where he doesn't have to worry about his lack of vacation time--to celebrate as our honeymoon. Instead, he is planning his second trip with his son in a year's time. I can't help feeling sad and jealous of my stepson.

During that conversation, I asked my husband if we could take a short weekend trip somewhere together--just him and me--as our honeymoon. He said he wasn't sure if we could afford it.

I've decided to hold off on furthering this conversation until I've had time to cool off and not be emotional. I just don't know how to approach him with how I feel about this without him getting angry at me for not being supportive of our finanical goals.

Sorry this is so long for my first post. I just found your site today and everyone on here seemed so compassionate and full of good advice. Thank you for reading my post.

happy's picture

past July.. the 29th.. And we did not get to take a honeymoon either.. And today I am not feeling like taking even a look at him I am so angry with him. So I know how you feel.
I would state how you feel about it.. Be totally honest with him about you are hurt at the fact that he seems to have forgtten about your honeymoon, in all actuality you will find that if you do not totally tell him your feelings (when you cool down). But you need to tell him how hurt you are.. I am so sorry to you..

Anne 8102's picture

We didn't have much of a wedding, although I think it was perfect... just us in church clothes on the beach with a couple of family members, the kids and a preacher. We never had a honeymoon, I never got an engagement ring, we never get to go out without the kids (unless a family member is visiting, which rarely happens) and we still don't own our own house. Okay, the house thing is mostly because he was still on his ex-wife's mortgage up until last year and we lived in base housing, but you get the drift. I think we should have made some kind of effort to have a honeymoon sometime during that first year, because after that first year, well, life just took over. He adopted my son, we had a baby together, there were fights with the ex and issues with his other kids. We tried to make plans, but life always intervened and we never got around to it. We really can't afford it now and, even if we could, have no one who could watch the kids. I think we've pretty much given up on the idea. Yes, we could have held off on having a baby for a year or so and taken a honeymoon instead, but most days I wouldn't trade her for a million honeymoons. If it's that important to you, and being a newlywed I am sure it is, then talk to him about it. Men don't think this stuff is important and sometimes they don't get how important it can be to us. If you can't find a way to make it happen this year, well, maybe it never will. But not having a honeymoon doesn't make you any less devoted to each other.

If you talk to him and he still says you can't afford it, then try tucking twenty bucks away every couple of weeks out of each paycheck. (Or more, if you can swing it.) In one year or less, you can have around $500 saved up, which won't buy you a fabulous honeymoon in the Bahamas, but could go towards a romantic weekend at a local B&B. Even as tight as money is for us, I can always find twenty bucks here and there that we've squandered on something totally unnecessary.

~ Anne ~

Nise's picture

Wendy…what state do you live in? I’m sure that like the ladies said you can do something small scale and have a GREAT time! You can even plan it around a long weekend (if possible) and surprise him with it…even if it is driving to the nearest big city and “staging” a the hotel suite before you bring him there (candles, rose petals, fresh fruit & chocolate sauce/whipped cream, bottle of champagne make a CD of his favorite music and have it playing, nice dinner waiting in the oven) pack his overnight bag and blindfold! That’s one of the best parts about a honeymoon anyway!

Make a GREAT Day!

OldTimer's picture

For one thing, I was just elated that we were getting married, so I was happy enough with that, but I did want to have some private away time (away from the family time...), but DH doesn't like to not include SS in any thing. So, what happened was the year before we were engaged, we had a fantastic opportunity to go to Hawaii, but we couldn't take SS out of state with us and we didn't want to go deal with the courts. We got fantastic deals, from some friends of ours that had just gone a few months before us, so we booked a trip- just the two of us. But no, ladies... I didn't get "the" proposal there... but it certainly felt like one!

But, when we did get engaged, and planning our wedding, the honeymoon part was brought up as expected. He wanted to go to Hawaii again, and take SS... that meant going back to court and getting approval from a judge etc etc. We just couldn't afford that. PLUS, he wanted his MOTHER AND FATHER to go...which then would mean that BROTHER would have to tag along with us too... well hell, why not just invite my family too! lol... Geesh... I just bite my lip and prayed NO!!!

So, I came up with a better solution by saying...you know, lets just go to Disneyland. And that's what we did. We took SS with us, had a great time, walked around with disney ear bridal veil and mad hatter hats, while SS wore the 50 anni. hat, wasn't quite the honeymoon that I would have dreamed of, but it was great, none the less. On top of that, I settled for a more private hotel room the weekend immediately after the wedding, which was better than the Disneyland any day!

OtherMom's picture

Wow, that sucks. I am so sorry! When I posted recently about my BF's insensitivity, someone said very wisely, "SOMETIMES MEN ARE STUPID!"

Sounds like your husband just doesn't get how important this is to you. Men as a whole don't intuitively know how we feel about emotional issues unless we tell them in a very clear, direct way. I think you're smart to calm down first, and then sit him down and present your case. You might tell him how supportive you are of his relationship with his son, and that you want them to spend that special time together. BUT-- you are his wife and you have feelings too. You are hurt that the two of you didn't get that special time to celebrate your marriage.

I know several women in second marriages who have had similar problems. The biggest complaints I've heard are no engagement ring and no honeymoon. I don't know which number marriage this is for either of you, but regardless I would tell him sweetly that this marriage is "the one" for you, and is therefore the most significant. You just want to feel that this is as profound to him as it is to you, and you deserve that. If you don't tell him, the resentment will build up and turn to bitterness. Doesn't sound like you would do that, though; you sound like a very supportive, wonderful wife and Smom!

wendy5468's picture

I am overwhelmed by your kind words and positive advice. I talked with him again about it last night and posed the idea that we could take my bonus money next summer and use some of that for a weekend getaway (just the two of us). I told him that I supported him and his son taking their "guy trip" together again this year, but that I wanted a trip alone with him, too. I was calm but firm with him...and he said yes. You all are right that sometimes you miss out on the ring and the honeymoon trip in a second marriage (it's the second for both of us--I don't have any children of my own). We have to make the best of the time we do get to spend alone together...and I appreciate your creative suggestions to make that happen. We live in Mississipi, which isn't the mecca of vacation destinations, but we could drive to Florida and spend a weekend on the beach in Destin or something.

Thank you all again for your warmth and support. I'm so glad I found this board!