I totally disagree with DH. Is it wrong to Bribe a kid to behave in school??
So SS13 is a total rude selfish spoiled Disrespectful brat. Refuses to help around the house or do anything he does not want. This Entitled disrespectful behavior has spilled over into school. SS13 refuses to do certain school work that he does not like. Now that they are all Virtual again SS13 refuses to answer questions when asked by the teacher and skips certain online classes. SS13 is with BM during the day and BM is worthless in getting SS13 to do things on line for class. The teachers are getting really pissed at SS13 and all BM says to the teachers is she will remind SS to do this or that. Never any Punishment. Since SS13 is HIGHLY motivated by money DH is thinking of paying SS13 to do the things at school that SS is refusing.
On one hand I'm SURE this will work and it's probably my best interest for SS to do well in school so he can get a job and not be a bum living in our basement at 30. BUT on the other hand I can TOTALLY see this turning into a disaster where SS will expect to get "paid" through college for doing schoolwork/behaving.
Thoughts on this one and how would you handle this with DH??? Any ground rules??
I'd go for consequences
I'd go for consequences before I'd go for bribery ...
What kind of consequences does he get when he behaves badly?
Basically none!
BM has taken SS13 phone away and no dessert for major things like hitting her but she has NOT done anything for his refusal to behave in school. Not sure if she can't handle him or lazy parenting. DH only has SS every other weekend so can't really do anything about SS during the week. Also since BM Babies and makes excuses for SS DH does not want to be "the bad guy" and punish SS for things he does on BM's watch
I agree that your dh shouldn
I agree that your dh shouldn't be punishing the kid for stuff he does on his mother's time but he absolutely should be punishing him for stuff that he does on his watch.
No dessert for a 13 yo hitting his mother? *facepalm*
What would the payment system
What would the payment system look like? Is DH prepared to pay for SS to demand higher and higher payment as time goes on?
I think DH and BM need to treat whatever is underlying SS's school issues. Does he need therapy? Does he have ADHD? Does he need special ed?
SS13 has been in therapy since he was 7
SS also been Diagnosed with ADHD and on medication. SS has had a IEP in school for the last 5 years. It's not so much SS does NOT understand the information but just does not want to do it. It's not fun. Not sure what the payment plan would look like as DH just mentioned. Maybe a "weekly" allowance for listening to his teachers and getting his HW done.
Honestly, I think it will
Honestly, I think it will work for a week and then he'll quit.
For an ADHD kid, the reward of avoiding the hard school work will trump the money. Seems to me he needs a better therapist and psychiatrist, ones who will help DH and BM with these parenting issues,
See below string
This has been asked before in different ways. Serach "Question about young teens and school | StepTalk.org" (or if someone knows how to link an old topic, can you do that for me?
The short version is many people pay their kids to achieve. Borded kids, gifted kids, misbehaving kids, immature kids - find out what their currency is and use it. Maybe it's punishment, grounding, repercussions. Maybe it's rewarding, motivating, "bribery". I was told as a child that school was my job. If I did well I got paid, promoted, given extra privileges. If I didn't, I lost those privileges. But eventually, when you don't care about what you've lost, you just become a pain in the next. For some kids reward works better than punishment.
If payment will get him to do
If payment will get him to do things, then pay for results, not actions. Ultimately, that's how employment works. Sure, you get paid for the work you do, but if you don't do good work, you don't get to keep the job that gives you the money. Since SS can't be fired from school, it makes sense to pay him for the results of his work.
Or, better yet, implement a dual-sided approach. If he attends all his classes and turns in all his assignments and gets an A/B average, he gets $X. But, if he misses a class forgets an assignment, and doesn't pull in the grades, he not only doesn't get the money but he also gets punished. He's old enough to be able to operate on a dual system of rewards and punishment.
As a SP, I've hit a point where my primary goal is to get my SKs to launch. I may not like the approach that gets taken, but if it works, I'm willing to bite my tongue and let it happen.
In general? Yes, I do think
In general? Yes, I do think it's wrong. Kids have ONE JOB - student. I expect them to do that job to the best of their ability.
However, that only works in NORMAL families, where consistent expectations were established when the kids were toddlers. In broken/dysfunctional families, good luck with that. If your SS is a mess at thirteen, odds are you can't overwrite his programming. His is who he is. Instead, I'd disengage from all things skid, and as lt dad says, focus on planning for the skid's launch. Play the long game NOW, and start planting seeds: how great it will be when SS turns eighteen; how you and your SO will be able to walk around naked and have sex in the kitchen; how much money you'll be able to save; and how you can downsize to your own little love nest. Get your SO on board and excited about the next chapter, while conveying the message that SS will not be living with you, EVER.
If you bribe SS
Make sure NO money goes to SS until you SEE his report card. Set up some system. $25 for all A's. $15 for B's. In major classes. Minuses $10 for days out sick or missed. $5 for each late. $5 for bad reports from teachers. Any F's. NO money Or something like that where there money lost for bad thing.
I think it's fine to have an
I think it's fine to have an incentive program in place for him. If he only gets negative feedback.. it can also color his attitude towards school. And.. I kind of disagree with the "I can't punish for what he does at the other house".. I mean.. let's say the kid is shooting heroin or robbing liquor stores when he is at mom's.. does that mean that dad ignores the abhorent behavior just because the kid isn't doing it at his house? I think it's fine to tell him.. well.. since you didn't do the work at mom's.. let's sit down now and get it done today... better late than never.
I used to be totally against it...
Until DS10 started refusing to go to school. I'd been trying to get him help for behavioral issues for 3 years and things were escalating. Long story short, he was diagnosed with ADHD and ASD. The behavior made so much more sense. We started meds again and started positive reinforcement with the help of the school and he's been doing SO much better! We just finalized his IEP this week so I expect more improvements will follow.
I say do whatever it takes to motivate them!
I think it might work if the
I think it might work if the child is motivated by money. Sadly most of us are motivated by money. Isn't that why we go to work!