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I told DH I want a divorce

flmomma08's picture

Submitted by flmomma08 on Thu, 08/15/2019 - 9:47am

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In my last post I said I was going to wait until after baby is born (I’m 7 months pregnant), but we had another incident yesterday and this morning I couldn’t hold it in any longer.

A bunch of letters came in the mail yesterday about loans my DH got. My dh happened to tell me recently he was opening a checking account with a new bank. These letters said that auto payments were set up on the old bank account. I believe he took these loans out and is now switching banks to avoid paying them back. He’s had a lot of financial issues recently. 

Anyway, I told him I can’t be legally tied to him anymore and I can’t let him ruin me. 

The lawyer I spoke to before said that as long as I can get him to agree to it, we can divorce without property division so I am praying he will just sign the papers and keep our things separate (I have always kept them separate). 

Now I just have to get up the guts to file the papers.

flmomma08's picture

Submitted by flmomma08 on Thu, 08/15/2019 - 10:17am

I know, I was really trying to hold off but things are getting worse and I don’t know what else to do. Being legally tied to him scares me. I don’t care about finding a new place and stuff right now and everything else that goes along with it, I’m just afraid of what I could end up responsible for if I stay married to him.

Oh he acted like he didn’t understand why I would want to do this. 

Winterglow's picture

Submitted by Winterglow on Thu, 08/15/2019 - 10:35am

I would be scared too. I'd like to know the whole truth about what he is hiding from you ... because the more I read, the more I'm convinced that there is something being kept just out of view to you. I'd also be scared that he refuses to sign the papers because he was counting on you to dig him out of whatever hole he has gotten himself int.

flmomma08's picture

Submitted by flmomma08 on Thu, 08/15/2019 - 10:43am

I think so too. His stories and excuses just don’t add up. I’m not sure what I’ll do if he refuses to sign the papers because if we do property division I’ll be completely screwed. I may not even go forward with it at that point. Ugh!!

tog redux's picture

Submitted by tog redux on Thu, 08/15/2019 - 10:44am

He is aware, I assume, that banks don't just shrug and write off loans that don't get paid, right? Is it possible that he's gambling or something like that?

flmomma08's picture

Submitted by flmomma08 on Thu, 08/15/2019 - 10:46am

This isn’t the first time he’s done this so I’m sure he’s aware. I forgot to add there was also a letter from the IRS saying his w4 withholdings are incorrect - he’s claiming he’s exempt! We don’t file taxes together but still WTF

Gambling possibly.. if so he’s not very good at it. 

tog redux's picture

Submitted by tog redux on Thu, 08/15/2019 - 10:48am

No one wins long-term at gambling, it's rigged. But it is often the reason people get themselves heavily into debt. 

flmomma08's picture

Submitted by flmomma08 on Thu, 08/15/2019 - 10:55am

I’m not ruling anything out. There’s definitely something going on he doesn’t want me to know about. At this point I don’t even care if he stays until after Baby is born. It would actually be helpful although I won’t tell him that. I just don’t want to be legally tied to him and possibly responsible for whatever he’s getting himself into.

Winterglow's picture

Submitted by Winterglow on Thu, 08/15/2019 - 10:58am

As he seems to repeat his mistakes, let me ask you a question - what caused the demise of his first marriage?

flmomma08's picture

Submitted by flmomma08 on Thu, 08/15/2019 - 11:00am

I don’t know too much about it but now I wish I did. I know they were very young when they had SD and were never married. But I don’t know the details of he breakup.

still learning's picture

Submitted by still learning on Thu, 08/15/2019 - 10:57am

I would immediately file for a legal seperation. That way your money and property are completely seperate from his and you are protected. He may be more apt to agree to a trial seperation rather than divorce and try to work things out.  

STaround's picture

Submitted by STaround on Thu, 08/15/2019 - 11:09am

I would file ASAP.    YOu need to see a lawyer, but were I live, it is hard to avoid liability for marital debt

flmomma08's picture

Submitted by flmomma08 on Thu, 08/15/2019 - 11:14am

The lawyer I saw said that since we have no joint accounts, we can divorce “without property division” but it has to be agreed upon. She actually recommended I file this way on my own which I’m not sure I’m comfortable with, and then hire her for the custody portion. I think I would feel more comfortable having her handle the entire thing. 

ESMOD's picture

Submitted by ESMOD on Thu, 08/15/2019 - 12:10pm

Is she trying to save you money?  Because in the long run, not doing things properly could be much more costly.  I might consider a different attorney because honestly it doesn't seem to be really great advice IMHO.

flmomma08's picture

Submitted by flmomma08 on Thu, 08/15/2019 - 2:14pm

She said she was trying to save me money and that as long as DH signed the papers it would be cut and dry because we have no joint debts or assets. I wanted to get a second opinion but all the family law attorneys around here charge at least $400 for a consult. Maybe its worth it to speak to someone else though.

ESMOD's picture

Submitted by ESMOD on Thu, 08/15/2019 - 11:49am

Do you think he will try for spousal support since you make 2x what he does? 

I would get a separation agreement set up with him ASAP if he will agree to that.  Do you think he will want a claim to anything acquired during the marriage (despite the fact that things could be in your name).?

flmomma08's picture

Submitted by flmomma08 on Thu, 08/15/2019 - 2:17pm

I doubt it. He's never had the balls to take BM to court. He avoids confrontation at all costs.

The lawyer I spoke to said that even if he did try for alimony, the child support he would be paying would just wash it out anyway (she believes I would get full custody). I am thinking of getting a second opinion from another attorney though.

flmomma08's picture

Submitted by flmomma08 on Thu, 08/15/2019 - 2:21pm

He's definitely hiding something, I just haven't been able to figure out what it is yet. My top guesses are an affair, gambling, or drugs. I've even wondered if he's secretly giving money to BM. But that last theory would make more sense if he actually had SD living here and was paying BM off - SD lives with BM now. I just don't know.

flmomma08's picture

Submitted by flmomma08 on Thu, 08/15/2019 - 3:01pm

It's possible. I have so many things going through my head, I don't think much would surprise me.

Aniki-Moderator's picture

Submitted by Aniki-Moderator on Thu, 08/15/2019 - 4:34pm

I'm sorry you're dealing with all of this caca when you should be concentrating on the arrival of your precious baby. {{{{{HUGS}}}}}

shamds's picture

Submitted by shamds on Thu, 08/15/2019 - 12:35pm

and he spends his salary/money $40,000 annually on useless stuff and doesn’t contribute to bills and when op asks he says he has nothing?? Also has like 20 something credit cards and she was freaking out how he hasn’t contributed to anything towards baby stuff (its been all op), if this is you op i’m sorry this is the only option for you now but deep down, you know you’ve technically been this whole pregnancy and even before a single mum with a deadbeat husband sponging and leeching off of you...

shamds's picture

Submitted by shamds on Fri, 08/16/2019 - 3:26am

With your ”manchild” as thats what he really is.

when you’re pregnant you are already trying to plan for thr future with finances and maternity leave etc how you’ll cope financially and really you’ve not been able to do that. 

You’ve stressed about how to cope with things and know this man is not responsible and cannot supprt you the way a spouse can. You are not in a partnership and thats a big red flag... there comes a point where you need to cut your losses. 

Document whatever you can because my concern is if this man truly claims he has no money for anything to contribute towards groceries, how will he feed your child if he gets overnight visits?

you need to be around those who will support you and this manchild hasn’t and later stages of pregnancy hormones are through the roof and our temper threshold tends to be lower and we see things clearer when normally we might turn a blind eye.

thats how i was

Pinkleton's picture

Submitted by Pinkleton on Thu, 08/15/2019 - 2:42pm

RUN SISTER RUN!!!!

i am in such a similar situation (though I am not pregnant and have no kids with husband). I cannot risk him jeopardizing my financial future. He is a big gambler and extremely irresponsible. I cannot stress about it when I’m busy I g my butt to ensure our bills are paid and he is out gambling and drinking.  I told him I want a divorce Monday. I am filing next week. He was fairly agreeable because we have many other issues as wel. 

flmomma08's picture

Submitted by flmomma08 on Thu, 08/15/2019 - 3:05pm

That's how I feel too. He is going to end up ruining everything I have worked for.

Good for you for being able to stand up for yourself and get out of that situation. I hope I can do it too. Best of luck!

Siemprematahari's picture

Submitted by Siemprematahari on Thu, 08/15/2019 - 2:50pm

Oh honey.........do what you must do and remove yourself from this ASAP. I wish you a healthy and speedy birth and a new start without him in it.

 

flmomma08's picture

Submitted by flmomma08 on Thu, 08/15/2019 - 3:04pm

Thank you so much. I wish I could turn back time and have this stuff happen BEFORE getting pregnant again, but no turning back now. Hopefully the last couple months go quickly.

Rags's picture

Submitted by Rags on Thu, 08/15/2019 - 3:48pm

Don't let the what ifs overwhelm you. You have made your decision, you are ending the marriage, put together your total domination strategy and go win for the home team.

The trashy drama, if it exists, will unfold over time. 

In the case of my first marraige, she was cheating before we married, she was cheating during the entire marriage, and she went on to have three out of wedlock spawn by two different baby daddies. All of her 3 spawn were the result of infidelities on her part... except for #2 who was also out of wedlock with he father of #1. He would not marry her for years. When he finally did marry her, she cheated and had her 3rd child with that cheat partner while going through the divorce from her second husband.

I did not learn of the depth of her cheating on me until nearly 4 years after our divorce was final.   She was pregnant with spawn #2 and ran into a very good friend of mine who used the same OBGYN.  My XW spilled her guts in the waiting room.  What kicked off the discussion was when my friend noticed that XW was wearing the diamond and rings that I had given her when we were engaged and then married.

I learned of her third child and marriage after discovering the XIL's family wide legal drama while doing research for a slide show I was putting together for my parents 50th.  Another friend of mine who is also a friend of my XW updated me on the XW when I called after finding the newpaper articles on my XMIL's embezzlement career.  

I was fortunate to not have to deal with the then unknown cheating drama while our divorce was progressing.  Over the years things that confused me at the time made a whole lot more sense.

Focus on you, protect your child, and move on with life.  Deal with the drama as it unfolds.  One toxic fact at a time.  If your experience is anything like mine was, the epiphanies will keep unfolding for years.

Good luck.

flmomma08's picture

Submitted by flmomma08 on Fri, 08/16/2019 - 11:35am

Thank you everyone for the advice and the well wishes. So after the drama of yesterday, last night SD calls (she has been lliving with BM) and says she is at my MIL's house - come to find out from MIL that BM is back on drugs (of course - I knew that was coming but no one wanted to listen to me) and fighting with her mom (BM lives with her mom) so they asked MIL if she could take SD to get her out of that environment. Umm what? So now DH is wanting to pick up SD today after work and bring her here! I told him for MONTHS to get her back here because living with BM is not going to work out.

So now on top of everything with DH, I have people assuming we are going to bring SD back here (they don't know what is going on with DH and I yet). It's never ending!