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I like one kid but not the other

SusieCue's picture

So awhile back I wrote about disengaging because of SD15. I have tried to like her and be there for her. But she is an awful person. Her father and I have tried having talks with her where we attempt to engage her in the conversation and explain to her why her attitude or behavior in general is off-putting and disrespectful. Even if she shows the tiniest bit of improvement, it is short lived and the root of the matter is that I just don't like her and I can't pretend I do. Her sister, SD10, is a different story. I like her. She's a great kid. She is easily swayed by SD15 however, who is a manipulative bitch. 

Here's my question: is it ok to disengage from one and not the other? I feel bad denying things to SD10 and ruining our relationship just because I dislike her sister. 

Jcksjj's picture

Hmm. Well it could be kind of tricky but the large age gap might make it easier- like if you like bringing the one to do things just make it things the 15 year old wouldn't want to do anyway.

Some things if you have a direct reason to say no to the 15 year old might work also. Like if shes been rude about something I'm particular. I'm not really sure what exact things you are thinking of though. Other things might be harder to disengage from one and not the other.

SusieCue's picture

Basically, I'd like to take SD10 shopping with me for the day, over to my mom's house, out to lunch, or to the movies without SD15. I've tried taking both of them places, as well as one on one and for some reason SD15 always acts spoiled and entitled. I'm to the point that I don't want anything to do with her anymore, other than the fact that she happens to live in the same house as me. Any time she doesn't do what she's supposed to, I make DH handle it. At first he was frustrated at me until I told him he needs to redirect his frustration towards SD15. SHE is the one choosing not to follow the rules. 

Jcksjj's picture

Well if shes acted like a brat, theres your reason.

I refuse to take my SD shopping even for groceries now after an incident where she wouldnt stop grabbing the cart every time I turned around and eventually rammed it into ODS and then started screaming and bawling louder than him to take the attention off of him getting hurt and try to get out of trouble. She was only six at the time, but I was still done with it. Shes 8.5 now and on the rare occasion I go to the store with both her and DH she starts running up and down aisles and in the parking lot like a 3 year old as soon as DH isnt looking. 

SusieCue's picture

In a perfect world, SD15 would move out as soon as she turns 18 and I could just ignore her until then. My main issue is that SD10 is a pleasant kid when her sister isn't influencing her or around her. SD10 is also like a golden retriever and so she will go to great lengths to please her sister. SD15 is constantly guilting SD10 into taking the blame for things and lying for her. SD15 is manipulative but not very smart (for example: this past summer she asked us when the Forth of July is and if it is on the same day of the week every year. This past Thanksgiving she insisted that Thanksgiving is not always on a Thursday, etc.) so we see through her crap all the time. I'm to the point where I don't even want to look at her. The only luck I've had so far is that she's such a little twit that she's always getting grounded so it's been easy to say, "No you can't come, you're grounded." 

I don't mind cooking with SD10 because she's actually helpful and absorbs the information. SD15 asks to "help" and her idea of helping is to stand in my way at every turn and flip her hair around in the kitchen, which is disgusting. I'm not even kidding she will stand directly in front of the food I'm preparing or the oven that I'm about to open and just stand there flipping her hair until I tell her to move. Repeatedly. 

ESMOD's picture

I was semi-disengaged from my OSD as she entered her teen years.  I had tried since she was 9 to let a relationship develop with her... but she just was like a flat glass of soda.. not interested.  Since she didn't really have much appreciation for anything I did for her.. I just kind of stopped making the effort.  As she got in her teens.. she had more social life so she was naturally less likely to come on visitation with her younger sister.

YSD had more interest in going with her father and I.. so she got to go more.  I did more fun things with YSD and she showed appreciation for extras.  Not saying YSD was perfect.. but she was much more approachable and open to having a relationship with me.

Now they are both adults.. YSD and I are still close (just got off the phone with her re some problem with her sister.. she called me)... YSD is going on our Christmas vacation with us.  OSD? she has her own life and still acts entitled.. I don't enjoy her company.  Her dad is a bit sad about OSD's attitude but it is what it is.

I say you get what you give... if one SKID is open and a positive experience.. don't let the other ruin that.

Rags's picture

Absolutely it is fair to disegage from one and not the other.  Make your interface with each of them based on their behavior.  If they behave, engage accordingly. If they don't, disengage appropriately. If one performs behaviorally and one does not then the performer receives the benefits of their behavioral performance and the non-performer does not receive those rewards.

No need ot overcomplicate how you deal with each Skid.  They get of you what they earn.... by their behavioral choices.

Take care of you.

Siemprematahari's picture

I think it's fair if you disengage from one and not the other. I'm disengaged from my H's 27 year old daughter and have a good relationship with my H's son. I don't allow and/or reward people who treat me poorly, they get treated accordingly. So if your SD15 is acting like a lil wench I'd have nothing more to do with her.

Afterall, judging by her actions why would she want you to do anything for her anyway? She shouldn't benefit from you if she treats you with disrespect. 

 

SusieCue's picture

I cannot express how relieving it is to have people that understand and don't tell me I'm a bad person because "kids are just kids and can't be held responsible for the way they act". I've seriously gotten that from people... That I need to do everything for these kids because I agreed to that when I got together with their father. But I DIDN'T agree to that, in fact, I told him from the start that I had never wanted kids and that at most, I would be an adult/good influence in their lives but never their mother. I think he thought he could change that, or that I would change my mind once I spent time with them. But all spending time with them did was solidify my decision to never have kids or be a mother.