I officially hate life
It's been a while seminar being here. I'm still in the same position but seeking therapy. My therapist agrees that my partner continues to put me and our bio last. We come behind skids, and the 'queen like' BM.
Im sick and tired of feeling like my life revolves around the skids and keeping BM happy. DH has no balls and would rather keep her happy and fight with me than rock the boat and ask for what's fair.
We spend no quality time together because he has none left. He runs around at the kids and BMs beck and call but can't help me at all with our bio who needs pick ups and drops off at childcare too. What's most frustrating he argues that BM has to do the running around of the skids through the week so it makes sense he does it on weekends. Meanwhile me and bio wait around for his time, and meanwhile I carry the load for bio. I'm sick to death of it. I'm sick of her calling the shots and him just doing whatever she wants. And then defending the whore when I argue it. He wonders why I don't come near him anymore....seriously. It's so unattractive to be with someone so pathetic.
I'm angry but I can't leave. Not enough money to solidly provide for my baby on my own. The cost of setting up a house again and then having to rent forever. What life would I be providing my baby....but what life am I providing now when he is spending his time as an afterthought with me. It's so sad. My therapist says to just live my life and give him nothing and that one day I will just get up and walk out when I'm ready. I'm waiting for that day now in misery. Would like to win the lottery right now.
I'm glad you are in therapy
Please reach out ot the therapist or close real life person if you are feeling desperate.
Have you thought about making an exit plan? Even if the exit is a few years way, if you are working on the plan it will give you something positive to focus on. Each step could be a positive thing you have ticked of your "to do list". I'm a very task focused person so this is something I use often when trying to tackle aniexty and depression.
My therapist says to just
My therapist says to just live my life and give him nothing and that one day I will just get up and walk out when I'm ready.
If you can't afford to leave, this is really all you can do, while making an exit plan for the future.
Don't let him steal your joy (hard, I know), focus on you and your child, and the future.
Never forget that you won't
Never forget that you won't be the only one supporting your child, your dh will be paying child support
If you make a plan to leave
If you make a plan to leave and start putting it in action. Like hiding money away each week in a seperate account. It will give you focus and you will begin to feel less trapped and helpless in your situation.
You may never live the same lifestyle you currently have. But I can tell you that doesn't matter when raising a child. What matters is providing a healthy and happy home.
When I left my ex I walked out of my 5 bedroom home with nothing but 2 suitcases and moved into a one bedroom apartment. I hated that I worked so hard for everything I was walking away from. But I have also lived with nothing and been happier than I was living with my ex.
Yes I had to rebuild my life again. But that's okay I looked at it as a fresh start a chance to build the life I wanted. To this day I don't regret one minute making that decision. I don't regret living 4 years in a tiny apartment socking money away to buy the home I have now.
DS has never once complained and matter if fact he truly appreciates everything he has because he watched his mother struggle to provide it for him. In the end the experience brought us closer.
You need to get out of this
You need to get out of this situation ASAP for your own sanity. Is there anyone you could live with temporarily? How about searching online and seeing if someone needs a roommate or has a rental property available? I'm so sorry you are in this situation. If nothing else make a plan to leave and start saving money. Stop spending any money on him and his kids. Get another job if you have to. Hugs!
Sounds like you are already
Sounds like you are already living a single mom life. You are the one that basically takes care of your bio already. You can totally do it. Just make an exit plan. Find a possible arrangement. Look at apartments. Stash money away. Open up a card in just your name. Stop giving DH any money at all. I see a lot of local "mom" groups on Facebook. Start connecting there!
I agree...DO NOT GIVE him any
I agree...DO NOT GIVE him any money if you are.
All stop with that.
Next, do you have social services in your country--here in the states they help with housing, food stamps , emergency money? IF you do, have something like that..I would go in and find out everything you can get. Just until you get on your feet. No shame in that, ok?
Do you work? Can a parent help you with first months rent?
I am so sorry you are going through this.
Time to give DH the account
Time to give DH the account balance. You get all of his loyalty and you and your child get him, his failed family progeny get the time with him that is court ordered, and BM gets nothing from him other than the CS that is court ordered.
So many over complicate what is clearly stipulated in a CO. They need to have the snot beat out of them with a rolled up copy of the CO until it is imbedded in their skulls.
Funny that!
She is the court order. They never actually went to court. She just tells him what money she wants, when he will have them, and that she won't be bringing them to him or picking them up. Funny. A court order would be something I would have wanted! Might have put some boundaries and structures in place and I didn't have to always be the bad guy for asking for reasonable and logical fairness. He panders and that is ultimately what grinds my gears and leaves me with nothing. He is emotionally and physically unavailable to us.
As long as the kids are minors…
It is never to late to get a CO.
Time to go to court
Many men/bio fathers are afraid of going to court. DH, when he was SO, he was not yet divorced, because he was afraid of what child support and spousal support would be and that it would wipe him out financially.
It did not. He got his divorce cheaply and easily. Then 3 years ago the child support started. Its not a huge amount (although its now 3 years review it could go up).
I think a CO would change things significantly. I would insist on this. Either you fight for whats yours, or walk away when you can.
Absolutely it is time for court.
A CO is the foundation of managing the blended family experience. If the opposition is at all toxic, GET A CO!!!!!!
Pay not one penny more than the CO stipulates. When the opposition deviates from the terms of the CO... smack them with a contempt motion. As long as your side is lock step in compliance with the CO, bringing the pain is an effective way of getting and keeping the toxic opposition under control.
CLove, I am happy for you that your DH's fears turned out to be not as bad as they could have been.
It was a weird and hard beginning
I was in a bad place, uneremployed. He was supporting me, getting me back on my feet after an abusive ex. He was separated not divorced. He was taking out payday loans to stay in the 3 bed house, and doing 50/50 visitation with crazy baby momma. His job was solid, but he had heard a lot of stories from friends whereby they had lost everything to the ex, whether it be spousal support, child support or child custody. He had no money for attorney fees. So the fear is very real, and in some cases warranted.
Im so glad we are in a much better place now, but the journey was a rough one.
I was just over 3yrs post
I was just over 3yrs post divorce when I met my DW. She was nearly a year post Spermidiot relationship though they were discussing a reconciliation.
When we married we had two apartments worth of crappy college furniture and two 8 year old well used cars, actually she bought hers just after we married. Two weeks after our Lake Tahoe elopement we were in court fighting the SpermGrandHag's attempt to take custody of SS from my DW.
The early stage of creating a blended marriage often seems to be particularly challenging. It is great that as time passes things often improve.
Our journey though not without periods of challenging situations has really not been all that bad. I could not imagine how intolerable it would be if I had brought kids from my first marriage to this one. My XW would be hell on wheels as a toxic BM.
I agree a CO would change
I agree a CO would change thing for the best, there would be a set of rules agreed upon that are fair.
unfortunately DH disagrees and wants to "keep the peace" with BM. He insists I am the problem. He can't see any other perspective or that his constant appeasing is the issue. If we had a fair agreement, he would probably all of a sudden see how ridiculous he has been taking her orders the past 6 years.
I'm not sure what the laws
I'm not sure what the laws are there. But here in the US married or not you can file for CS. Since BM doesn't have a CO that would be a beney. Because here he who files first wins. It's 17% for the first child and the amount decreases for each additional child.
I would file against DH just to make the playing field more even between your Bio and SKs. Then if he continues to be a neglectful a$$ I would inform him that you can file for a seperation and seek spousal support as well.
If there is no CO either can
If there is no CO either can take the kids, leave and not return them. No CO, possession is physical custody. If I were the DH in this situation I would take my kids, file for emergency custody and CS and put the toxic BM on the defensive. The first to file gains a significant advantage and control.
A CO needs to be driven. To both protect the kids and the victim parent from the toxic parent.
IMHO of course.
I’m sorry
Your DH is a sackless spineless chump. I'm sorry you have not been prioritized (and your bio) like you deserve to be. I share some of these feelings with you but for different reasons.
he's going to end up alone in his life catering to an ex ;wtf. You'll be so much happier when you getaway. I'm living seperate with just my bio for about a month. It's been SO much easier and positive.
you deserve happiness and I hope you start making steps towards that. I know it can be really hard. My situation fell into place for me so I was lucky that way. Feel free to message me.
Thankyou for this. I am
Thankyou for this. I am definitely going to find a way to hide money. I'm sure it's hard alone as a SM, but I keep forgetting I'm basically alone now...just with an extra 2 skids to feed and clean up after every wknd, and DH. Without that I'm sure life would immediately be much more peaceful.