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I need to vent

Ueline83's picture

I have been a stay at home mom for 5 yrs and have been lucky enough to have a live in maid. It was a God sent. I have been been without a maid now for 5 months. 5 spoilt kids who have no consideration for anyone but themselves. I raised my 2 bio kids for 3 yrs without interference and before the 3 came to live with us. They were honestly on the right track until the influence of the others. The oldest son won't even cook, I have admittedly been sexist like everyone before me, and and told the girls that they need to know how to take care of the house. My kids are slobs, they father is no better. I wake up at 5:30 "" to get them ready for school and then clean up, laundry, ironing and cooking. Today I actually timed myself, I started at 7 and sat down at 12:30 and I still hadn't done the ironing. I ended up burning the dinner in the over while my 13 yr old SD was standing by the stove cooking. I have punished her by leaving the cooking to her without the sisters helping because she was disrespectful. She continues to say that she she did nothing wrong even though I told her that the pun will be lifted if she acknowledged what she did and apologized and her response was, "it's OK, I'll keep cooking by myself coz I did nothing wrong".  When I asked DH about it he said,  "she'll learn". Basically leaving the decision to me of whether or not this gets sorted. She leaves her room untidy and tells me that I don't understand her, she's her own person and likes her room like that and will only clean when she feels like it dirty. I want to smash something because I know that at 13 my mom could rely on me to have dinner cooked, my school uniform clean and by little brother taken care of when she was working for us. I'm so irritated, I feel like Bio mom, who passed away, raised spoilt brats and checked out. Irrational and unfair, I know but I wish she was here to deal with her kids.

Cbarton12's picture

I mean I'm not sure how making cooking a punishment will encourage any of the kids to learn to cook. 

And if the worst problem you have with SD is that her room is messy then maybe count yourself lucky. There are stepparents and parents dealing with severe behavioral issues. 

I think it's unrealistic to expect to a 13 year old to always have dinner cooked for a family of 7. Yes children need to learn responsibility but with realistic parameters. And I've never been in agreement with children having to be responsible for the care of a younger sibling.

You had a live-in maid for a while so not sure how your kids were to learn overnight to clean up after themselves if someone was always doing it for them.

Take a deep breath. Can you hire a maid again? Even if she isn't a live-in maid. 

Ueline83's picture

The biggest issue with my SD is a sense of entitlement. She's entitled to her room, which I believe that she's not, it's my house and I give you the space to use but you must keep it the that I want it, not how dirty you like it. Any chores she complains about also, she back chats like she's talking to a 13 yr old. Honestly if a grown woman spoke to me like that she'd get slapped a couple of times.

And I don't only expect the girls to do chores, SD actually does it without complaining, it's just the cooking that I have left to the girls 

justmakingthebest's picture

Honestly it is an entire generation of entitled kids. They are the iphone generation. They have always had everything at the push of a button. It isn't just your SD, I think if you can remember that it might help. Also, you are in a house where there are SAHM, live in maid (even if you have had to do it yourself for a while), I am assuming a large home, nice cars, etc- Which is all FANTASTIC! Congratulations, your DH is obviously doing things right! However, that kind of lifestyle is full of entitlement. Private schools full of other entitled kids... it was bound to happen. Keep that in mind. 

Maybe instead of punishments you can look for volunteer opportunities for them. Homeless shelters, soup kitchens, big brothers/big sisters, reading to young kids in a poor school district. Maybe seeing the other side of things would be a bigger life lesson than cooking?

Merrywey's picture

And if she needs laundry or ironing done she is responsible for it.   I am of the opinion that most kids at age 11 or so should be responsible for cleanining their own space, doing their own laundry and contributing to the general needs of the family, I.e., cleaning common areas and making a family meal  weekly". You should never to be the maid.  My kids could do a this and my 11 year old gson and 8 year old gdaughter are capable of doing all of these things and expected to!

Ueline83's picture

I know my post sounds a bit disjointed. 1stly, that's not the problem I have with my eldest SD. Kids from the age of 3, going to kindergarten learn that you play with toys and you pack them away, basic foundation of taking care of yourself. I didn't wait for my kids to go to school to learn this. Then it progresses to putting your clothes in the laundry basket, picking up your shoes and so forth. The behavioral issue here is that my eldest who is 2 yrs younger, is expected to do everything. SD will literally say 'ask her to do it, i
I don't like it'. The punishment here really is
that the chores will get done, acknowledge your wrong doing and they will be shared as they should be. Kids never cook for me and DH, I do that myself. Even the maid didn't cook for us. Let me also clarify that I am a black South African, culturally, things are done differently. The only problem is that DH and I don't live according to the norms of what black South Africans do even in teaching them to cook, which was over a yr ago, I was late as they were already complaining that I won't let them grow up. I am looking for a maid, it's not easy to come by around here.

shamds's picture

As a 4 yr old with supervision of course and if mum knew something might splatter i walked away a bit... i was brought up in this kind of a world. Unfortunately alot of skids are not. As a 13 yr old i could cook a nice curry and rice dinner just like mum did and a few other things like pasta etc but a parent needs to show her a few staple dinners so she learns. If she burns the dinner on purpose just so you give up making her cook, great she eats the burnt bitter charcoal dinner...

all kids need to comtribute to chores whether male or female. My almost 2yr old son has since 1..5 yrs old known how to turn on the vaccum and use it to clean, he likes to sweep with a mop, he helps pick up rubbish or toys into a bucket if he sees me clearing up, he hands me laundry to hang. My 3.5 yr old daughter does the same like my son and as a 8 month old in her walker was going to the laundry basket to hand me laundry to hang on the clothes line, she hands me laundry to fold away. 

I have been told I haven’t let my kids be kids and god help them i put too much pressure on them. They do these things because they imitate and see this as normal and love doing it and i think its great i have toddlers loving helping out. They’ve even shown an interest when i’m cooking and just seeing what i do. My eldest feeds her brother like actually spoon feeds him.

it takes a whole house of people to maintain a home, its selfish to palm 100% of it to the woman of the house... we aren’t living in the 60s