You are here

I need advice Steptalk, and how to get over/through this

goincrazy.com's picture

I blogged about it before but it is literally eating me up that FDH is giving SD16 a car for Christmas. I can't seem to move past it.

I'm trying the whole disengage- it's not your car or your business so don't worry about it, I'm trying to be calm. I've tried to talk to him about it calmly and his answers to my questions enraged me even more and made me not like his ass right now.

Background and facts:
-FDH bought a car for pretty cheap from his buddy ($2000) so he could sell it for a couple hundred dollar profit in August/september. I was PISSED bc he's getting a reversal and we talked about not spending unnecessary $ and saving what we can since $ is going to be super tight the next few months- his whole argument was that we are going to make $ off of it to help with the expenses........
- FDH never sold the car
- FDH decided since SD16 has all A's but doesn't have a license yet that he will just give her the car for Christmas WITHOUT talking to me about it
- FDH thinks that BM is going to go along with his plan, put the car in her name and pay the insurance with the child support she receives- (lol, what a fool)
- FDH thinks I'm crazy for being upset that he is giving her the car
- We agreed (even in front of our therapist) that if and when FDH buys SD16 a car (it's been expected apparently) that he will ask BM for 1/2 on a car they agree on since any big expenses should be split in half- How the F is that gonna work when he's giving it to her as a gift?? He's full of shit
- He plans on giving her weekly gas $
-It bugs the shit out of me that we literally cut down on all amounts for christmas for everyone else but SD16 is so fucking special she gets a car she can't even drive yet.

I could go on but I won't. Can someone please offer me advice to follow on how I should handle this situation because being angry is just wasting my energy. FDH already made up his mind.....I'm tired of this consuming my brain. Either what to say or do or not do. I'm sure someone has been through something similar.....

Thanks

tiredstepmother's picture

Hey I think that is pretty cheap $2000 for a car for a teenager. Thank God it is not a new car!!! Plus a new car would need full coverage insurance!!! It will cost money to maintain the cheap one though! As long as he does not pay the gas,etc. Put your foot down girl, he should not maintain or buy anything for the car once they get it!! Sounds like the mother will drive it anyways until SD16 gets license. Remember he probably only needs to pay child support until age 18 unless the mom takes him to court for more while his daughter is in college.

My SS is 16 with permit to drive. His FDH is so darn nice!! Sad Was thinking of giving him a really nice Truck we own for college in a couple years...I said no!..first it is almost $200 for one tire...really??? What Teen can maintain that in college? Okay, should he get a car at all?..Maybe after 1st or second year of college he can have the new Ford his FDH bought the other day. I am not on the title, or loan for this car since I do not want to make the payments should something happen to my spouse. I know his ex will not pay a red cent and I would be left with the debt. By disengaging, I will not be on any Loans for college or anything for my SS. That is his parents job. His mother pays nothing except clothes and contact lenses.

I am so done with this!! Thanks for hearing me out! Hope this helps! I am going through this too.

tiredstepmother's picture

I agree, you have to pick your battles when it comes to step parenting and there are a lot of battles!!!! :?

PolyMom's picture

I totally agree, pick your battles...and I also totally agree, lift pass is the Christmas gift. I think that's a perfectly good way to handle it.

"Spoil the child watch him go wild. Spoil the wife, be happy for life."

Harleygurl's picture

I'm still stuck on "he put the car in her name and pay the insurance with the child support she receives"?? Really? If he wants SD to have a car that's one thing (as long as you aren't expected to pay for any part of it) but he's a fool if he thinks BM will work with him on this. I know that if my DH bought his son a car and put it in BM's name it would be a HUGE waste of money. She would trash it or sell it and SS wouldn't ever get to use it.

goincrazy.com's picture

Yup, he hasn't even talked to her about it. He said if she doesn't put it in her name then SD doesn't get it and he will sell it like he originally planned (yea right) BM is gonna be a bitch and demand more child support to cover the insurance costs. I said so when it breaks down or needs repair who's responsible for paying? He said SD16............My freaking hea dis spinning from his stupidity

Jsmom's picture

All money needs to be split and share expenses, but not for kids. DH pays for his and I pay for ours. Makes this easy. As for gas, that was always on my kid to figure out. Also, the car didn't go to college. Insurance was too expensive and the parking fees. He can give her the car, but then you need to separate your finances.

As for the car, insurance was expensive and we covered that, but only if the grades were high. For BS that is 4.0, for SS the bar is lower at 3.0.

Let this one go, but definitely start to separate your money, so this doesn't bother you as much. Sounds like he has no conditions for SD and the car and that will bother you on top of this. If you have no money, into it, maybe you won't hate this so much....

goincrazy.com's picture

She does have a pt job which she is working less and less hours at bc "she doesn't like to work" Also there is no court order for child support, they have 50/50 custody we have rules mom doesn't and of course she doesn't like me so SHE decided she wan't coming over anymore. BM jumped right on it and said she's not gonna force her and hit FDH up for $. He writes checks so it can all be tracked but he also pays 90% of SD16 expenses school clothes, activities, shoes, dances, pictures, hair, make up, spending cash etc. So I'm just waiting for BM to "demand" or she's taking him to court....he thinks she will just agree with it all- NOT when part of the $ she's pocketing is going to have to go toward insurance.

Also the $ SD16 makes at her job is her $ to spend, she has no responsibility and spends all she makes at the store she works at. So FDH is gonna give her gas $??? TEACH HER RESPONSIBILITY

goincrazy.com's picture

I have one bio she's going on 10. not FDH's kid. Thats partly why I'm so irritated is who exactly are cutting back on? his stepson from previous marriage is grown, sd22 is grown and sd16 is getting a car so who is left to cut back on?? My bio? I don't want her to be spoiled and entitled but I'm annoyed that it comes down to her to cut back on???

goincrazy.com's picture

I'm not, and I actually want to spoil her even more bc SD16 GETS A CAR!!!!! SD16 can sit and watch everyone open gifts and she can go sit in her car out back bc that is ALL she is getting

Cocoa's picture

if my dh "gave" bm a car, we'd divorce (I don't do the bullshit "it's for the kids"). and, that's exactly what he's doing by not making bm pony up her half. if you intend on staying in this marriage, I agree 100% with Jsmom. IF your dh has any money left over after his share of your joint expenses, savings goals for your and his life, and retirement is taken care of (without one red cent of your money in the pot), by all means, allow him to give to his heart's content.

goincrazy.com's picture

I see what you guys are saying however BM and her bf have way nicer cars then this one. I don't see why BM would drive it. My issue is he is dumber then a box of rocks if he thinks she's gonna take one red cent he gives her out of her pocket to pay for insurance when he bought her a car. This is going to be a battle bc she's gonna want more money.

This is all FDH's $, maybe I'm being petty but it affects "our" finances even though this is all his $. He has surgery in less then a month that is $7,000 out of pocket plus the 3 weeks off of work he doesn't get compensated for. I feel like the effort to cut back and save all went out the window.....thats why I'm frustrated

Cocoa's picture

well, it may be his money he's spending, but it's definitely affecting you. you simply cannot allow him to de-rail your life together like this. the last you agreed, he was supposed to sell it, so that is exactly what he needs to do. it does not sound like the two of you are in a position to just give a car away. he needs some financial sense smacked into him. and, if he goes ahead and does it, make sure he has a way of continuing to pay his bills while he's not working. tell him this is a deal-breaker for you. it would definitely be a hill for me to die on if my dh put us in peril just to be able to spoil his kid. needs first, wants second (and then only when a kid her age is able to contribute financially - unless your dh is wealthy).

goincrazy.com's picture

Exactly!!!! FDH has a decent job but we are not wealthy by any means. We live paycheck to paycheck pretty much and I don't care (I do, but still) if the car is $500 she doesn't have her freaking lisence and she treats everyone like shit including her dad but still gets a car "because she's gonna save the world and she got A's" Fuck my life

goincrazy.com's picture

He won't, his mind is made up and SD16 deserves it bc she's gotten A's so far this quarter..........He just says he's gonna do the same for my daughter when she gets her permit and has all A's... :?

He also said he was gonna sell the damn thing to begin with and make a profit. I just can't stand him right now- I guess he's gonna have to learn the hard way

Shaman29's picture

DH and I have separate finances and it will ALWAYS be that way.

As long as each of us is meeting our agreed upon expenses, then he can spend his money any damn way he pleases.

It works out fine for us and I refuse to co-mingle expenses. His money, my money. It's not our money or we run into trouble when he makes decision to spend money on his kid that I feel is not necessary or due to poor planning on her or Uberskank's part.

You can't do anything about this vehicle. He bought it and put it in her name. It doesn't belong to you and is not yours to sell.

Your FDH made a poor choice and didn't follow through on his commitment to you. That is the real problem. Not your SD and not the car. I would examine this situation very closely before you commit to anything further. Trust me.....it doesn't get better.

QueenBeau's picture

tell him you will need upfront payment of estimated household expenses for the time he is off work for surgery, plus the cost of his surgery.

Then he can pay for cars/gas money/car insurance.

Cocoa's picture

I like this a lot. tell him you're afraid that he won't be able to pull his weight and by him doing this, you will be reassured. and, it is his JOB as a HUSBAND to make sure you are safe.

PolyMom's picture

Both my brother and I had cars our senior years of high school...they were both junkers that got us from point a to point b. They were more out of convenience for my parents than anything. Look at it this way...once SD does get her license, there need be no worries about "exchanging" her, she can go where she pleases between your two homes. (I always try to look for silver linings in things that annoy me.

Beyond that, you've said your piece to DH about it. In the meantime, I would double check all finances, and make sure your money is not going in support of this. I do that when something similar goes on...and even if you don't go as far as keeping a separate bank account, just crunching the numbers will help you to see the reality of the situation. In my case, DH spent WAY too much on SS11, for no reason. SS11 shortly afterwards brought home a report card with a D average. I was super pissed. I crunched the numbers, DH told me SS is getting nothing for Xmas, that was basically it, and I made sure none of my money touches paying that off. It's kind of therapeutic.

Also, venting in these forums for a week really helped too. You have every right to be upset when DH makes $$ decisions for kids without your input...because it IS your money too. And things like this are bound to happen once in a while. It's part of the joy of being married, and raising kids that aren't yours....your money is also going to be part of that equation. And it's frustrating, because you get so little say everywhere else in raising them.

I think taking a step back, a deep breath, and asking yourself, "how fatal is this REALLY"? will definitely help. I'm literally going through the same dilemma with you right now...and when your options boil down to divorce, or letting it roll off you, what's really the best decision for you in the long run?

What's my comfort of choice for the day: Xanax or alcohol?

goincrazy.com's picture

This is what my therapist basically said- keep my focus on the future- it's a bump in the road. It gives me anxiety though just thinking that she could pop in anytime- oh how FDH would love her to just be there all the time. This little wench steals my stuff so now I'm going to be paranoid and have to have my room locked whenever I leave bc she has the freedom to just stop by. The whole thing is pathetic. It makes me really disgusted with FDH and just bc she got all A's mid semester doesn't mean she's responsible enough to own her own car and do whatever she wants. She's extremely immature for 16. I know I need to get over it. I'm just sick of FDH being so defensive over her and not seeing the facts or being realistic.

Thanks for your input. It helps Smile

I'll take a xanax please, My employer doesn't approve alcohol on the job Wink

PolyMom's picture

I'm glad I could help even in a small way Smile There are times we just need to disengage, disengage disengage. (I highly recommend you read that thread, it's super great!!) But seriously, she's not your kid, it's not your problem. If you're worried about your belongings, lock them away. Go out and buy yourself a $2K safe LOL. Your FDH sounds like my ex, who is also terrible with money. As long as you keep your finances in order, and you aren't going to end up starving or homeless because of this, I would simply sit back and watch him fume with surprise when BM says "Wait, you bought her a car and expect me to cover insurance?" It doesn't work that way darling, she would have grounds to up her CS amount with that one. Have you pointed that out to him?

goincrazy.com's picture

Oh yes I brought that up, I also asked him what the plans were if and when she get's into an accident, needs a tow or her car breaks down. Who is responsible for keeping up the car maintenance and who is paying for that? Also, what happens if her grades start slipping adn she starts skipping school???? And what makes him so sure BM is going to be on board??? She's gonna come after him with child support so fast he's not gonna know what to do. I'm done. I give up. NONE of my $ will go toward this nonsense and he will have hell to pay if he can't make ends meet in our home bc of this bullshit

BTW, he STILL hasn't talked to BM about ANY of this AND he told SD16 last week that he is giving her a car for XMAS- I'm pretty positive it's to ensure she keeps her visits up......He's just as immature as she is. I'm done

PolyMom's picture

Oh my lord, good luck to you!!It sounds like you have a really good head on your shoulders, and have extremely valid points and concerns. At this point it just seems like it's building up to a massive case of "I told you so." He's gonna have to learn one way or another, and the shit will hit the fan. I just hope you are able to protect yourself so you aren't impacted too badly when it does.

EvilWickedSM's picture

I find it repulsive that these parents are buying cars for their kids!!! I bought my first car, which was a junker, with money I earned from a part-time job. Neither of my parents paid for my car, nor did they pay for my gas or insurance. I did. If I couldn't afford gas, to bad, I wasn't driving anywhere.

A car and driver's license is a priviledge, not a right or requirement.

I'm in the same boat. DH is giving SDstb16 his old vehicle for her 16th Birthday. He ought to be glad he had it before he and I got together and I have nothing to do with it because she wouldn't be getting it outright. I've suggested he sell it to her for a small amount of $$, because in my mind she doesn't appreciate anything because everthing is given to her. He will have no parts of it. Every time she mentions "her car" it makes me want to vomit.

I don't have any advice...sorry! I'm lucky that DH and I have separate finances so his decision to baby and support his daughter has little to no affect on me.

z3girl's picture

We had a similar situation was SD turned 17. DH bought SD a $6000 car. He expected BM to insure it since he bought the car. She refused, so he insured it himself. So he bought her the car (and she really didn't deserve it.) he insured it, and he had to maintain it. It got to a point where SD would take it to the local mechanic and DH would be mailed a bill by the mechanic, the work already having been done. Spineless that DH can be at times, he went ahead and paid for all repairs. Finally, after a year and a half later, also a court battle with BM later, DH signed the car over to SD. He then stopped paying anything for the car. All maintenance and insurance was on SD and BM (SD never lived with us.)

It took me a long time to get past DH just throwing money away on an entitled, spoiled brat. Especially when he said that our children would not get cars because they would live with us and be able to just borrow one of ours. Uh, no. Now that he set the precedent, my children will be given cars (as long as they are good kids and I feel they deserve them...if they are entitled brats the way SD is, forget it.)