I know zebras can't change their stripes but can a MIL
After 23 years? I've posted a bit about my MIL a while back to give a brief but now she's coming on too strong and I don't know of it's fake, a motive or she has finally realized I'm NOT the problem she thought I was where my DH is concerned.
A little more background, my DH is an only child. And my in-laws loved/loves his EXW. They have never been blatantly rude to me just rejected my attemps to get close. There were several slights though and because of that (talking about the EX in my presence FIL even called her his wife and he corrected him, DH took down their family picture and MIL put it back up when we left, they would just look at me like I had 2 heads when I would try to spark up a conversation and my DH would have to ackwolege it to make me feel unignored, etc. Because of this and more slights, early on I did stopped wanting to go to their house when my (now)DH would ask me. I would just make an excuse and tell him we'd meet up afterwards, 80% of the time he wouldn't go and want us to do something else.
So one day, he asked me why didn't i want to go over to their home and i told him the reason (which he had an idea, he witnessed these things and even put my FIL in his place twice when he went too far). I told him I had never experienced anything like this and that all (3) my ex bf's liked me. So my DH asked me to come and said we were going to settle this. We went there and he practically TOLD them if not welcome in their home, he won't be coming back. This obviously frightened them, especially MIL but they still did/said things outside of my DH presence but in a way that I will know what's being done. We ended up moving out of state 6 years later and 1.5 years after we married.
We have visited back home several times a year and they have a room for us at their home. I still have family so most of the times, I would go to my Mom's but my DH was not happy about that. He thought it was because of his parents and SD's but I wanted to spend as much time with MY family. We still made a way to try to make the visits even with our family but we did spend most of the days with my family, their more fun and accepting of us lol.
FF to the point. 2 years ago, when I disengaged from my OSD, I also told my DH, I was done being around his whole family. And that I would pick when I wanted to with no pressure from him. Unfortunately, my FIL passed (he grew alot of respect for me because I eventually started being myself and we had alot in common)and sadly my DH has to beg me to go. I wanted to show my respect I just didn't want to be around his fake family.
Apparently, since FIL passed my MIL wants to be closer to my DH which I totally support and understand. She has been reaching out to me more via phone and even sent me birthdays cards in the mail. She is finally being the MIL I wanted years ago but I don't know why. Is it harsh that I just want to support her and my DH relationship and be left alone? She has been down here 5 times (and on a trip with us where she said a little too much) and has not only been asking me about my job (a hob I've been at for 6 years), wanting to go to the store with me and insisted on paying for the groceries, etc. Just showing more interest in our BK's and myself. My mom said the death of my FIL may have opened her eyes but I think she is trying to show my DH that she is trying. What is y'alls take? And how should I proceed? I'm not a mean person but I don't like to be around fake people. What should I Do?
If you've read this far, thanks so much! I left out alot and will answer any questions. Sorry for the novel!!
Sorry for the typo's on my
Sorry for the typo's on my phone and can't edit.
Your MIL has had her
Your MIL has had her comeuppance in that she's lost her life partner. It makes sense that she's realized how alone she is, and wants to change that. She probably hasn't changed, but she's making an effort to modify her behavior. I think I'd strive for politeness, but no more.
This makes sense Exjulie! She
This makes sense Exjulie! She snuck in a jab in August and I caught her drift but she was on her best behavior the rest of the trip. She let me know (indirectly) that she thinks I control her BS, my DH. He probably did change towards them when he met me but I was the catalyst not the cause. He was setting boundaries and I think she knows it.
I have a similar problem to
I have a similar problem to you with my DH's birth family - with the only difference being my MIL hated NPD BM, and she also appears to be totally disinterested in me. I have known them 16 yrs and never once has my MIL asked me a personal question about myself or my life. Not once. In addition, she and my DH's step father can be quite rude, and for 4 yrs I didn't go there at all because of OTT rudeness one weekend. After a disastrous weekend with them in April this year, when my MIL told me that I was out of line because I commented on some appalling behaviour by my BIL at a family dinner, we are now estranged from them, because they basically threw us out of the house. I am 60 yrs old and don't expect to be treated that way! Never been thrown out of anywhere in my life. Doesn't help she is only 15 yrs older than me.
Anyway - sorry for the digression - back to your situation. It sounds like your MIL is indeed trying to make an effort - better late than never I suppose. But polite civility is enough for now. If it were me, it would take some years of good behaviour on her part in order for me to put the past behind me and make nice with her.
Gee Kes, your MIL/SFIL are
Gee Kes, your MIL/SFIL are pills! I think that no woman will ever be good enough for your DH to her or she thinks she should be QUEEN B. Like you, my MIL only asked me about myself just recently. Actually she did ask me about my parents marital status (They never married, just 2 teenager who made an oops baby, ME), the day she met me (even frowned and turned her head when i told her that they were never Married) but I believe that helped form her opinion of me.
In fact, on 1 of her 5 visits since FIL passed she met my dad, his now wife, SM (dad's ex who helped raise me, at our BS h.s. graduation (She knows/loves my Mom And SD (he's deceased now) and saw how they all got along great. My Mom said, MIL told her how great it was that they all showed up and have so much respect And love for each other. I believe my MIL lives in a bubble, that you marry first and have kids (they adopted DH after Marriage) and stay together no matter what. If not, the kids are inhumane. However, my DH has 2 BM's and one EXW of the two, but her gkids are the special exception and treated as such.
I will continue to be polite and see what happens for now. "If it were me, it would take some years of good behaviour on her part in order for me to put the past behind me and make nice with her". You're spot on and that's where I'm at with all this. Thanks for your post and perspective from the same but other side!
Sounds manipulative to me.
Sounds manipulative to me. She needs something from DH now that her husband is gone, so she's sucking up. I'd stay on your guard.
Yes Tog! I think so, I wish I
Yes Tog! I think so, I wish I could pin point what it is. Maybe I'm overthinking, I do that sometimes with people who's shown their ass more then once. Thanks hun, I will keep my guard up. I would have dove in head first, years ago with the new and improved her but thanks to age (a little) and ST I will shed lightly!
Sounds like maybe she gets it
i think your MIL has probably seen that she is now alone and better change her attitude or she will lose her only child as well. She may still
have the same feeling she had before but now keeps them to herself. I would remain polite and kind but proceed with caution.
Thanks SM12! I think you're
Thanks SM12! I think you're sadly right.
She wants to move in with you
She wants to move in with you. (Evil laugh)
You owe me a cup of coffee!
You owe me a cup of coffee!
OMG Noasm3, I Pray to God not
OMG Noasm3, I Pray to God not! I will live in separate homes before I allow that, though I got a good chuckle at this post. She has money and good health at her age, so I hope not. My DH has been begging her to move down and she gives him false hopes but I don't think I can handle that and she has a BFF of 50 plus years who she seemingly will not leave (her DH is deceased also).
It's funny.. age and life can
It's funny.. age and life can change us. My dad was the last person who I thought would be nice in his old age.. he was always a bit of an Ahole while we were growing up. But, no.. he loves my DH.. even though my Dad was a harvard educated lawyer.. and my DH doesn't have a degree (he does have a professional certification as a captain.. but not formal education). Who would have ever thought it?
Now, your MIL is older.. she has suffered a great loss and has perhaps realized that her old rigid views and not letting go of the past might negatively impact her relationship with her son.. and now he is "all she has really". So, she is making more of an effort.
Maybe it's a bit like saying don't look a gift horse in the mouth. Maybe the motivation for her improved treatment doesn't matter... as long as it continues. If she reverts back to prior poor or disrespectful actions.. well.. there are consequences for her.. less time with family.
I see no reason to not enjoy the newfound peace. In the end, if you can find it in your heart to not hold the past against her...while not being unrealistic that it could happen again.. I would just go with the flow right now.
ESMOD, my Mom says the same.
ESMOD, my Mom says the same. Age does change us, I just turned 40 and agree as well. I'm happy to hear that your Dad changed and loves your DH!! You should be proud of that, considering....! Your post shedded a new light and I will take that into consideration. Thanks for your reply!
A lot of great advice and
A lot of great advice and insight here, but I agree with tog - stand guard.
I totally feel Kes on how the MIL is with her. Mine’s the same. Totally disinterested, unless she’s making poor attempts to love bomb me. There’s always a reason for their love bombing.
My in-laws are extremely fake. They’re also codependent and tend to be enmeshed a little too much for my liking.
With that said, this scenario would be a nightmare for me. There would be NO WAY, after years and years of bad behavior out of MIL, would I welcome her presence close to my marriage.