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J123's picture

So I have been married 3 years. My husband is 18 years older than me. He has 2 kids from a previous marriage (19 yo boy and 13 year old girl). Currently we only have his daughter every other weekend. The weekends she is here I am in hell. The more time that goes by the less I seem to be respected. I have a 5 month old baby and I am worried for her future around this family. My husband and I have been having tons of issues since I got pregnant. He said he wanted a child with me but it seems like the opposite. It feels like I am on the bottom of the priority list after himself and his other 2 kids. Where does that leave my daughter? He doesn't respect any of my wishes. He didn't respect the fact that I didn't want SD at the hospital after giving birth. I told him she could come over once I was home but he brought her to the hospital anyway. We have tons of fights like this where I try to explain she is not my daughter but he always says since she is his I can't tell him he can't. I can go on and on about our fights. I also don't trust SD to carry around my baby and he is even fighting me on that. I let her do other things but there are limits. My husband never seems to consider where I am coming from and implies I should do what he wants since I knew he had kids. I also feel like he only shows interest in the baby around SD as a way to bond with SD. It drives me nuts. I also don't like my SD attitude or personality at all. I live out in the country and come from a hard working and straightforward honest family. SD is into rap and playing on her cell phone and never working for anything. She thinks everything is owed to her. I know the age difference means she might not have much influence on my daughter but I am still scared. My husband has serious anger issues and has threatened to leave a couple times but never did. About a week ago we had a calmer conversation about separation and divorce. I'm not sure 100% if that's what we are going to do since his parents came and are staying until Sunday so we parked the conversation for now. I don't want to do what's just best for me but what is best for my baby girl. I am deathly scared of being a single mom but maybe I need to do this. Please give me advise! Has anyone been through this?

SayNoSkidsChitChat's picture

Your husband is an a$$hole! No wonder he is already been divorced once! I’m so sorry!

J123's picture

Actually this is his 3rd marriage! Hah! And I didn't find out about his first one until after we were married!

theoldredhen's picture

Yo, SayNoSkids,

Your comment is both direct and truthful. Hmmm... it reminds me of another SM whose posts are equally satisfactory. 

Tinkerbelle's picture

I understand exactly where you are coming from. My DH does same. Has actually told me numerous times that his kids come first and his grandkids second.. It has taken 3 years to get any semblance of fair play, but after stating my case over and over(using I statements instead of you statements) he is finally standing up to them some, and calling them out when they disrespect me. So, there's maybe a smidgen of hope this will get better. Enjoy your new bundle of joy. protect yourself emotionally and financially and keep holding him responsible when he acts like an asshat. Give yourself and him a deadline and stick to it (say, a year or whatever).Get couples counseling or at least counseling for you! Tell him in loving terms what a happy marriage looks like to you, and be brutally honest, but not emotional, and calmly ask, "what can we.do to achieve this?"  I'm not against just bailing if the situation is really bad, but you just had a baby so maybe give yourself a little more time before doing anything drastic. I hope this helps! 

J123's picture

I'm trying to be as rational as possible but we have been trying at this for about a year and it's just getting worse. I begged him to go to therapy but he refuses. I feel like if he doesn't want to go to therapy I want to give up. We can't fix this without help. If he deosnt want to go to therapy that seems like he is not willing to fight for this marriage. All the fights we have had slowly wear away at the love I have for him. And now he is putting SD13 in front of me. 

Winterglow's picture

If he won't go to therapy then he's making it pretty clear that he doesn't consider your relationship to be worth the effort. You cannot save a marriage single-handed ...

still learning's picture

It is unlikely that your husband is going to change. The more you push and beg the more he'll push back and eventually want a divorce.  Why sacrifice his ego when he can throw away yet another marriage and start over with someone new. I watched my exH do the exact same thing to his second wife that he did to me, then he had the gall to rant about how "crazy" she was. He's on marriage #3 and I wish this wife luck.  

About marriage counseling, stop begging and go on your own. DH and I were having adult ss related issues and I asked him to go to counseling with me, he refused and I went alone. Things changed dramatically after that because I changed.  I learned to set proper boundaries and disengage from him and his son's enmeshement, all without saying one word to DH about what I was doing.  

I agree with above posters that your husband is a real piece of work.  Definitely have a backup/exit plan in case you need to leave.  Since you have a child together I'd encourage trying to work it out.  Your marriage sucks right now and divorce is equally sucky. Imagine having to hand over precious dd to him and sd up to 50% of the time and you have no say in what goes on.  You've got some tough choices to make.  Sorry you're going through this.  

J123's picture

Wow you hit it right on the head. My husband used to tell me how his first wife caused the divorce, how his second wife was controlling, a b**** and miserable and now he is starting to tell me that I've changed and I'm crazy. Lol. Apparently all the women in his life are nuts and he's just so perfect!

I have considered going to counseling myself but I think at this point there's not much to fight for. Between his anger, SD13, extreme selfishness, history of poor marriages, no involvement with the baby, etc etc I don't have the motivation to try anymore. 

My number one priority is my daughter. He did agree to no overnights with her until she is a few years old. We agreed that if we split it would be healthier to not ship her back and forth at such a young age. I really have a feeling since he didn't want her to begin with he might be happy to get away from the responsibility. 

I have some savings and am hoping to make money on the sale of the house. The house was bought in my name so I have an advantage there. It's all so much to think about and my head is spinning.

still learning's picture

"I have considered going to counseling myself but I think at this point there's not much to fight for."

At this point the counseling would be for you. Even if you separate or divorce you're still going to have a relationship with him and your dd will be connected to sd. It may be good for you to process everything and set healthy boundaries going forward.  

J123's picture

I agree. Right now with a 5 month old baby and no family close it's impossible to find time to go to therapy. And I got back to work beginning of October. Then my mom is staying with me for a few months to help with childcare. Hopefully then maybe I can find some time. My husband can barely handle watching DD for even 30 minutes. Last time I tried she screamed the whole time and he just gives up. 

2Tired4Drama's picture

Despite your DH's desire to rush into another divorce (his MO, it seems) I would wait until October when your mom arrives.  Not only will it be a comfort to have time to talk things over with her, it will also allow you some time to get back into the work groove and deal with the emotions you will experience leaving your little one for the day.  It will all be a lot on your plate, compounded by this looming decision on your marriage.

Sometimes the best advice is, "When in doubt, don't."  Meaning ... if things are so unsure and unsettled, it may be best not to make any significant life decisions until a clearer path emerges.

In the meantime, I am sure your family/loved one's advice will be to take care of your baby and take care of YOU!  Find a reason to get out of the house when SD comes for her weekend visits.  Even if it's just going to a friend's house, or a church/community event, going to a park or YMCA - whatever.  Get out and get away from the situation for awhile.  

Best wishes on your path forward ...

J123's picture

I don't think anything major will happen before October anyway. His parents are leaving tomorrow and in another week and a half my mother and sister are visiting. We will need to have many more discussions to make sure this is what's best for us. I'm so looking forward to having my family around again. 

Rags's picture

Your DH is the common denominator in the demise of his two prior marriages.

Leopards can’t and don’t change their spots.

If you are leaving leave now, go out of state, and minimize exposure of DD the shallow and polluted end of her gene pool with a long distance visitation schedule.

Though not a strategy in the beginning, this is exactly what my bride did after HS graduation.  It worked wonders in allowing us to protect SS’s best interests and keeping the toxic toothless moron SpermClan crap under control.

Take care of you and the baby.

theoldredhen's picture

Your remark,

Your DH is the common denominator in the demise in his two prior marriages.~

Is one of those observations that should be apparent to anyone in the dating pool yet is most often either marginalized or ignored.

Are divorced folks so desperate for a new relationship that they disregard a potential partner’s track record? Does love truly blind one to a lover’s past?

Your recommendations to OP that she leave the state, while hardheaded on the surface, is the most practical option available to her. Your engineering background may be showing, Rags, but I’ll take pragmatism over melodrama any day. 

Rags's picture

Thanks. As an engineer raised by an engineer I suppose I come by it naturally.  Whatever it is.

Keep it simple pragmatism is my way of avoiding the melodrama.

J123's picture

I've thought about this since my parents live out of state and said I should come stay with them for a year to get myself in a better state of mind if we do sell the house. Part of me likes the idea but the other part is scared to leave everything I am familiar here with (job, friends, environment, etc.) I wanted to try and keep as many things stable so I can try to feel as normal as possible. I'm afraid if I run away to my parents I'm going to loose my job and feel like I'm depending on them too much.

Rags's picture

So start looking for a job now. Make a plan, manage to the plan.  Don’t delay.  Get on it.

Your true friends will stand by you.  The rest don’t matter.

TheEvilStepmomStrikesBack's picture

Don’t give up just yet! My DD is now almost 18 months and DH is just now really getting in the swing of things. 

 

Like you, my husband is 12 years older than me with previous children (and 3rd marriage). I took a lot of conversations and a lot of brutal honesty (as sweetly as you can) but he heard me. Things aren’t perfect but he’s trying. Give him time. Maybe he will come around. Good luck! 

Rags's picture

In and of itself the age difference doesn’t have to be a problem.  If DH would grow up, man up and step up to be your equity life partner.  

I am 12 years older than my wife.  I am 54 and she is 43 (just turned so my math isn’t entirely off). 

While I certainly brought more life experience to our marriage I have made it a firm commitment from day one to respect her as my equity life partner and to embrace the different perspectives that she and her generational peer group represents. ( at least the smart ones)

Note I said that I brought more life experience and not that I brought more maturity.  In many ways she was and is more mature and level headed than I am.  We met during the last semester of my 11yr undergrad plan (I was 29) and during her first semester of college (She was 18).  

We met slightly more than 3yrs following my divorce (adulterous XW).  SS-26 was 15mos old.  We married 8mos later , 6mos after I turned 30 and    three weeks before she turned 19.  We celebrated our 24th anniversary 6wks ago.  Though I am probably pushing my luck with the teen boy brain fart tricks of breaking my leg and globe hopping jobs.

My bride maintains that I am 13 and periodically demotes me to 12.

 

Blush

 

 

 

J123's picture

Yeah it's more than just the age difference. When we met he said he didn't plan on having more kids but he would want one with me. I guess he only said that because he knew I wouldn't be interested if he wasn't planning on having a kid with me. The first year we were married things were great because I went along with him to do all his hobbies. All of a sudden I'm pregnant and can't do all the same things and he starts to get defensive saying I'm trying to stop him from doing his hobbies. I'm actually just trying to spend time with him since I need the support through a very emotional pregnancy! The reality of the pregnancy and new baby sets in and he goes off even more often. Leaves me with my parents to remodel and set up the nursery, etc etc. I get more and more lonely. More and more I wonder what the he'll am I doing trying so hard with SD.

One thing leads to another and here I am. Seems we both want different things. I feel like he finally realized he never should've gotten remarried or have another kid. He's way too into himself for that. 

1wonder woman's picture

When you married this man you married not just him but the children too.... So I do not understand why you would not of wanted his daughter at the hospital when you were giving birth to her half sibling? Maybe you had your reasons for you not wanting her there what would it of hurt? They are a package deal. When you get into a relationship with a man that already has children you know you will have to share him with his children just like his children understand that they must learn to share him with you and now with their new sibling after all he only gets two days off per week to spend with his family every week... You are now in a blended family this is what blended families do.  It is important that your child bond not just with you and your husband but with your step children too.  Now if you want you could always step aside on a day or two when he does have his daughter and just not be at home spend the day out having a "mommy and me day" with your baby and allow them to have a "daddy and me day" together with your SD... this is what my parents use to do and heck we would even switch things up I use to have  a few days called "step mom and me days" where I spent the day with just my step mom doing something fun together a girls day out while my dad had a "daddy and me day" with my step brother. I honestly doubt very much that the SD will be around for very much longer after all she is getting older... normally once the kid turns 15 the kid starts to pull away and sooner or later they get jobs of their own and they stop visiting the other parent all together at least that what I did when I was a teenager when my parents were divorced. But I do think it would be good for your SD and for your baby if she was given the opportunity to bond with your baby. I was musch older when my step mom had my step brother and trust me I never looked at that baby as my half brother no I loved him from the second I laid eyes on him. Plus me being much older I loved helping my parents take care of my baby brother and this really helped us bond as brother and sister. and I even baby sat for them so they too could have a date night out together. My step mom was great she never made differences between us kids and she allowed us to bond and I'm so thankful she did things this way this preventing me from feeling jealous of my baby brother because she included me and made me feel like I was part of the family.... no we were a family yes a blended family and we remain a family to this day even after my baby brother sadly passed away last year. 

Marriage is hard work and in a blended family it is twice as hard and you have a new baby that too adds more stress into your life I remember how stressed my own step mom was after she had my baby brother..but in time as he got older that stress went away. I know I have lived it and I survived but it can be done... Your relationship can work out but it will take hard work from both of you...I do know this much you can not have all of the eggs in your basket nor can he... to make a relationship work there must be compromise and communication... and most of all you gotta have a date night just the two of you a "Hubby and me day"... "a happy wife = a happy life".... my dad always said... to me it sounds like you are not happy but you have the power to be happy again your choice.

J123's picture

I knew he had children but he also knew those children were also not mine. There are certain situations where my wishes should come first, not SD or husband's. I just had a c section and the only people I wanted around were my mother or husband. I doubt even if we had another child I would have wanted them there the next day either. I have seen other couples not having their other kids at the hospital right away either.

The problem is that my boundaries are NEVER respected. If SD was our daughter I would tell her no in certain situations. Problem is because husband says she is his and not mine he decides what she can do even if it's not what I want. I have not been made an equal is decision making while SD is under our roof. There are other rules I would like followed but they go against. My voice is completely taken away.

I have tried for the past 4 years to bond with and spend time with SD but it always bites me in the a$$. She's either playing some game to get something or husband pawns her off on me to take off and do what he wants because he doesn't want to be that bothered by SD. If I remove myself they stick together and alienate me. God I have tried so many approaches. I do think therapy would help but like others said if he's not willing (which he has made clear he isnt) then why am I wasting my time fighting for a crap situation either way. I truly believe if I leave now I can minimize DD exposure to all of this crap. At least better than what it is now. Right now I refer to husband and SD as tweedle dee and tweedle dumb. I have spent months and months crying and agonizing over this. Maybe I'm just completely done at this point.

There's still so much more to the story between me and husband but I'll be typing all night lol.