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I have no more trust left

amy070677's picture

The latest is that we have come to a head over the fact that I want him to not speak of our personal business to the BM and what goes on in our marriage. Things that do NOT have anything to do with his daughter. He wants to be friends with her and believes that he should be able to say whatever he wants. That if he tells her for example that we are getting divorced, which he has done several times, as we are trying to work things out he says well we were/are, and his daughter needs to be prepared or they need to be prepared to help her through it. I have been around since she was a baby.  I feel like it is private until it is a done deal. There have been other things in the past where she then starts cause stuff between us because she knows that we are on outs. He also thinks it is okay if her 15th guy that she has been involved with "breaks her heart" that she should be able to call him whenever to vent, cry etc. because he needs 'to make sure his daughters mother is stable." I say she lost that right when they divorced. Mind you the daugheter is in bed or at school. It isn't even like I am a mess I need help with the daughter. It is like I can never move on because I can't trust due to what happened in our marriage and another relationship is lost. I cannot wrap my head around it. I have put up with it on and off for years. Other things have made me resentful and I just disengaged myself from the situation and periodically I do say something but I used to think I was being helpful. I really think he just wants out, but even if I can wrap my head around okay there can be friends, I cannot let go of the our relationship is private. So when she says am I there? am I home? Instead of saying no we are on the outs she went to her moms for the weekend, say nothing or she shouldn't ask. Or nope we are fighting again. They also talk privately when I am not around I have no idea what is being said, but it is more than what is going on with the daughter and always more when we are fighting or I am not around. He is ready to leave a 5 year marriage over this. If 'I" can't be okay with their relationship the way it is, he will divorce me. The sad thing is our not so good marriage counselor agrees with him. She said I have no right to ask him not to do those things, and I say he needs to respect my wishes! I think our marriage is going to end. Any insight to those in similar situations? I have such a hard time that he doesn't think he needs to respect my wishes, and I as bad as I want to let go of the past things that have happend I can't.

 

ESMOD's picture

 

Your DH is way too enmeshed with his EXW.  Why did they split?  Did he cheat or something and maybe didn't want to lose her?  Did she cheat?  I absolutely would have a fit if my DH was discussing the state of our relationship with his EXwife!  And... if he's doing that.. he is likely talking to others about it as well.  And to be her shoulder to cry on?  Uh no nonononono.  That is way beyond being friendly for the sake of the kids.

If he is worried about his child over your relationship it is HIS job to directly work with his daughter not her mother.  If his EXwife has blown through another relationship.. he should tell her to see a therapist.. HE can't be her only pity party invitee.

What is worse is that it sounds like you have a semi crappy relationship even without the hogwash... you are on the brink of divorce contstantly.  I mean YES relationships take work but there is also a point where you are forcing something that just isn't meant to be and making everyone miserable in the process including yourself.  Maybe it's time to move on and find someone who is more available for you.  You deserve it.

amy070677's picture

Thank you. He cheated on her, twice. And once with a family member. I think he feels guilty so he tries to bend over backwards. Secondly, he lost another daughter over a custody battle prior to this one and I think he is afraid it will happen again! And I think you are right. It's just when it is good, it is really good. And when it is bad, it is horrible. The one and only thing we fight about is this.

Areyou's picture

I’m so sorry that this is happening. You need to feel like you are in a true partnership. If he is spending time comforting his ex and having private conversations with her and telling you that if you can’t accept this polygamous situation then he wants out then it’s time for you to move on. A true partnership is between two people. There is no third person. It’s not jealousy. It’s boundaries around your partnership.

amy070677's picture

His reasoning is that the things I am upset with happen 6 times in the last 5 years and mine affects me everyday or our relationship daily. Which isn't true. I could say man she is out of line and if he thinks she is it is ok. If he is in the mood that she has been okay lately, it is like why did you just say such a negative thing. Why is it even necessary. Also I don't agree with how they do things and I used to be involved and I have since tried stepping back and disengaging wiht schedules etc, but no matter what I say he picks it apart.

hereiam's picture

He is having an emotional affair with BM.

The fact that a counselor thinks that this is okay is flabbergasting.

The fact that he is willing to leave you over it should give you the insight that you need. He would rather end your marriage, than respect your marriage.

amy070677's picture

Something I totally agree and get in my head. My heart wants to believe there is some other logical thing I am missing. 

amy070677's picture

Two fun facts, we moved apart last year because we were about a hour away from his daughter and he wanted to live near her. It was that or divorce then. So I agreed. For a year we split time between two places. Usually together about 5 or so. Now she is moving to another city, and he is following. No point then being yet 40 mins away from his daughter again. The idea was we would move together when my two kids got older. I think that is when the respect really got lost. I don't know you would think he would appreciate the understanding, but gives him alot more freedom to talk or do whatever. He says that it doesn't happen that often I am making a big deal. I think that sometimes too that I need to let some stuff go because he has improved on it. But the fact of the ultimatium, his words, I will not change. I can't stand for disrespect. not from her. FROM HIM!

amy070677's picture

And now that we are at this impass, he is shutting me out. I don't know where we stand for him. He is "processing" his feelings. The therapist did suggest taking a break for a bit, but we never agreed. The whole idea she if you miss them etc.  I feel abandoned. I got some news from the doctor today, not life threatening necessarily, but not good either and I did text him and his response was....... ok. That's it.

Evil3's picture

He sounds like a total asshole. I'm sorry, but he does. He obviously doesn't know what loyalty is if he cheated twice on BM and one of those times was with a familiy member. He's being disloyal to you by having an emotional affair with BM and he's not being emotionally available to you. His response to your news about your doctor's appointment is unbelievable. I wouldn't even be that cold to someone I hate.

I see a complete lack of loyalty. I think your DH doesn't have it in him to be loyal. He wasn't taught what loyalty is or he doesn't care about anyone's needs except his own.

That your therapist hasn't seen this and addressed it is beyond me. I can't believe your therapist sides with your DH on his still being emotionally married to his ex. You are the mistress in this crazy situation and you are being disrespected.

"And now that we are at this impass, he is shutting me out. I don't know where we stand for him." What about not waiting to see what he thinks or feels? Take your fate into your own hands and turn the tables on your DH. Tell him that it is he who will have to tow the line and start being loyal to you or you're the one who's gone. What about what you want? Make the decision yourself.

amy070677's picture

Oh and I guess this is my punishment because we got together fast. The therapist said I should let everything go in the first few years because I choose to get with someone who hadn't been separated long.  But she was already in another relationship as well and we kind of had a whirlwin relationship the first year and half. There was none of this. Maybe a little, but I think I turned a cheek because it was new. But even so NOTHING like it is now. He is so checked out. He says he loves me so much that is the only reason he is staying. ALL OVER THIS? Really, the fact I support him in all aspects of life, take care of his daughter like my own, handle all the kids schedules, pay all the bills out on two houses, work full time, sacrifice some wants for him, connect to him and participate in things he wants to do. I am telling myself now what I need to hear lol! I just really can't believe someone would end their marriage over something so trivial. He says they made a pack noone would come between them. He is soon going to find out what life without me is like.

amy070677's picture

Let me clarify, that no other partner would make them turn into the norm divorced couple co parenting that they would always get along for the child and that includes me I guess!

hereiam's picture

Getting along well enough to co-parent is a lot different than privately confiding in each other and crying on each other's shoulders about their personal lives. They are crossing a line.

Evil3's picture

"I support him in all aspects of life, take care of his daughter like my own, handle all the kids schedules, pay all the bills out on two houses, work full time, sacrifice some wants for him, connect to him and participate in things he wants to do."

What?!!! You pay all the bills out on two houses AND take care of the kid?!!! Oh, Honey! You are being used. Take some of that hard-earned money of yours and go. Today! Is this what you want to demonstrate to your kids (do you have your own?) This is the kind of marriage they're in for because they grow up and repeat what they know.

amy070677's picture

He works and contributes financially, but I make sure everything is covered and paid out, etc. No worries for him he just goes swipe, swipe, swipe!

amy070677's picture

I think I just need to realize he doesn't love me. Thanks for the advice everyone! You talked me off a cliff this afternoon!

futurobrillante99's picture

Amy,

Let him go follow his daughter and pay his own bills for the house near her. I would personally back away and take some time off. He's having an emotional affair with his ex. All his arguments for it are just EXCUSES.

As his current legal wife you are the ONLY woman aside from a therapist he should be confiding in and discussing his marital problems with.

My husband lets his female friend (the heifer) share all the details of her struggling marriage and absent sex life with him, but he expects me to believe he doesn't discuss our issues with her. Yeah, right.

amy070677's picture

How do you let it not bother you to a point that it interferes in your marriage? A female friend would be one thing, I wouldn't like that either. Not going to lie! But, his ex wife takes it to a new level for me! I can't let it go. I guess because of the past I don't really trust him. When we were first dating he went to her and asked if he could come back home. HE justified it by saying he just missed his daughter and I believed him. Here we are 5 years later and I am not sure I believe that. Also, my trust is gone so I am sure there is times when I make something out of nothing or assume they are talking when they aren't. It does not happen often and that is what he uses for justification as well, but he also isn't telling me that he wont do it again either. He wants me to trust him. I really almost think it is more like a thing he just isnt going to agree out of spite and if I acted like I didnt care he just wouldnt do it. But, how old are we?! really wish I could let it go but I feel like he is disrespecting me.

amy070677's picture

Oh, and he informed me that he needs a break this weekend. So I will be not speaking to him or seeing him and taking my own break!

TX2step's picture

You matter, what you want, how you feel matter. You deserve a partner that puts you first and protects you against this type of treatment. So sorry for your situation.

1wonder woman's picture

Hey... There is no way if I were you would I be happy or would I put with the way he has been running to his ex wife talking to her about your marriage problems... sorry he is disrespecting you when he does this..THIS IS NONE OF HER BUSINESS!! . As for this marriage counselor I'd be saying NEXT I'd find a new one... When you are really sick with cancer you go get several doctors options to save your life... no different here you want to save your marriage so I'd get someone another opinion... You are his new BFF you are his wife you are his future... she is his EX WIFE and NOT HIS BFF..she is his past!! THEY ARE DIVORCED AND DIVORCED COUPLES MOVE ON WITH OTHER PEOPLE THEY END THINGS... THESE TWO PEOPLE HAVE NOT ENDED THINGS MAYBE ON PAPER BUT NOT IN REAL LIFE!! . When you have a BFF you talk to that person and you confine in that person and you should be his BFF not her.  I see how his actions have hurt you ... these two people need to set boundaries and start respecting those boundaries and most of all respecting you... No matter what you stick to your guns... you deserve better and you will find better if he is not willing to change... I'd be saying NEXT if he was not willing to change to make me happy!!!  Change sometimes takes time and effort too...  I'd give him some time to change but if he has his mind made up it's over then stop wasting your time... your time is precious!  Sounds like to me she is having a hard time finding herself another man and just maybe they miss what they use to have.  I'd be curious if you did step aside if he would go back to her. Some divorced couples do get back together and by the sounds of things they might be divorced on paper but not in real life not if they are chummy opening up to one another about their relationships with other people.  My man so far respects me enough and loves me enough to do what ever he must do in order to make me happy... we are a work in progress. It is not been easy on me dating a man that was so newly divorced....  He has came a long way and if your man truly loves you he will want to do what ever he must do to keep you happy in order to keep you in his life. Sounds like to me him telling his ex wife you two are getting a divorce he has already made up his mind you two are done. By the sounds of things he wants her to know soon he will be free. You have every right to be mad, hurt and upset...  and what about what makes you happy and what about what you want?  Every month my boyfriend and I set down and we each have a piece of paper ... First we each write down 5 things we love about one another and we also write down 5 things that we do not like about one another... things we need to improve on in order to make the other person happy.  We say nothing... we exchange papers and we walk away and we work on being better partners. He said he loves doing this with me instead of us arguing and getting no where. it makes me feel good seeing him improving and working on these 5 things... being a better partner and he says he sees me improving too... He even said this is what him and his ex wife should of done monthly. That made me feel good... I was married for 30 years before my hubby passed away from cancer and we did this 5 thing every month and we had a very happy marriage. Our church offered us marriage classes before we got married and this is where we learned things to save our marriage... plus they taught us you can't have all of the eggs in just one basket either ... in order for a marriage to be a happy and be a successfully marriage the eggs must be distributed evenly. Makes since and it works! You need some eggs in your basket and he too needs some eggs in his basket too... Sounds like he has all of the eggs in his basket...  I do know this in order for the 5 thing list to work both parties must be willing to work on themselves and and do what they must do to try and change their ways... If he truly loves you and wants to keep you in his life he will want to change his ways or at least try in order for this to work... HE CAN'T HAVE ALL OF THE EGGS IN HIS BASKET.... SURE THIS WOULD MAKE HIM HAPPY HAVING ALL OF THE EGGS IN HIS BASKET BUT WHAT ABOUT YOUR BASKET .... WHAT ABOUT YOUR HAPPINESS?  HE NEEDS TO UNDERSTAND WHAT MAKES YOU HAPPY IS IMPORTANT TOO!  By the sounds of things you are not happy...and you deserve to be happy and most of all you deserve to be RESPECTED!! 

amy070677's picture

Thank you. He says he only told her we were getting divorced because he thought we were in the heat of the moment. But, I think there is more. He says it is in my head and think everyone is out to get me. I know one thing and you hit it dead on. If he doesn't care about me, then he can go. I am usually a strong personality. Sometimes, not so much in standing up for myself. I think he is checked out. Which totally sucks. We have a good relationship except in this area. I appreciate the advice.

1wonder woman's picture

You are welcome... I am against divorce I survived my own parents divorce... not fun! I hate when couples just give up so fast on each other... by the sounds of things you two do have a good thing going he just needs to wake up and realize how his actions are hurting you and you do not hurt those that you love... But I know this if he loves you and he values you because you are a gift and you remember that... if he can't see that you are a gift in his life and he can't value you then some one else will value you the way you deserve to be valued... sometimes these men care more about pleasing the ex wife instead of pleasing their new wife..they have a hard time breaking from the role they use to play.. sorry pleasing her is not his job anymore... pleasing you is his job now... and he needs to remember they are done and if he can't exit his ex wifes life then he will have to exit your life... I tell my boyfriend we are not in a three some relationship here... nope I am not sharing him with her. She gave him up when she divorced him... his ex thought they would be BFF'S after the divorce and honey I set them straight right away... I saw their text messages where they were talking about me like they were BFF'S and she told him to break it off with me and to do it for their kids because they do not like me... heck I met his two older kids one time and we said two words to one another and BAM they exited his life because momma bear got pissed off that papa bear found a new bear so fast..she was boiling inside... she did not want him but she wanted his money and she did not want him to be with anyone else either.. His ex turned both kids against us both.  now they just talk and text about their little girl and that is it. I told them both leave my name out of their conversations we are not married..... I told him she is your past I am your future... exit your ex wifes life or you will have to exit my life... now I get the respect I deserve...  and I am happy... as for his two older kids disowning their Dad I am not going to blame myself... that is their choice not mine!

amy070677's picture

We literally have none of those things. This is solely because I said I am not comtortable with them talking on a personal level about personal things especially things about me. In any manner. And because he thinks I shouldn't have issue with the things she does or comment. He used to appreciate it. So I don't know. He says it is unnecessary negativity, but sometimes it is my opinion. I started disengaging and not saying stuff. But, it is an issue. If she is being a pain in the ass, and I say she is being a pain in the ass. And so why cant he just say whatever it doesnt bother me and we move on. I used to tell him 100 times why he should bother him but all that aside, why does he care. I think it's just an excuse. He checked out. We are spending the weekend apart so we will c. Will he appreciate and miss me or not?? But, solely this is the issue. I love his daughter like my own. I shop for her, I take her to see things and do things with her friends, I go to her activities for school or swim. I signed her up for swimming not them because they procrasinated for months. And yet, he wants to leave me because I don't like the things she does all the time. I could just not say anything to, and I am willing to compromise on that. But, I can't compromise on her knowing my business and her saying rude things in front of me like I am not there and it be okay. He isn't going to stand up for me. I have to!

ProbablyAlreadyInsane's picture

Either he needs to move foreward with you... Or turn back to her. He can't have his cake and eat it too.

If he wants to be that close to his ex he should still be with her.

You've tried talking to him... Mine used to do this... His was because she "burned all her bridges and has no one." To which I reponded "she's an adult, she picked to burn those bridges. I'm your wife, so either I'm treated like the wife and you keep boundaries with the ex or you make a choice on who your wife is." He stopped after that. He realized why it wasn't okay and built proper boundaries. THANKFULLY. She used to call and b*** like no one else... And ask for money, etc...

amy070677's picture

Something happened with his other BM and they were young and he lost his first child for a long time. Long story. I think he kisses her ass because he is afraid that she will do that too, even though he has custody etc. I have told him that time and time again and he said they are just friends, and it is my issue. Guess he would rather let me go if I can't get used to it.

ProbablyAlreadyInsane's picture

That's unacceptable and I'm sorry... He shouldn't be friends, particularly speaking of relationship anything with an ex.... That's all about your comfort level, not his. If he can't figure that out he doesn't deserve you.

As long as he's following the CO she can't say s***.

NotEasy525's picture

I agree with you so much! I just had a similar conversation with my SO about how I want his ex-wife to know NOTHING about me!! DO NOT mention my name to her. EVER. There is absolutely no reason why your name should come out of his mouth to her. Plus, you are right, whatever they are saying you aren't there to defend yourself. I wish these men understood and can put the shoe on their foot, no way would he want you to be talking about him to your ex!!! 

Disneyfan's picture

Your husband and his ex are still in love.  Had he not cheated on her, chances are they would still be together.

Now that they are divorced, she can't keep a man and he can't fully commit to his marriage.

If the two of you divorce, don't be surprised when the two of them get back together.

 

amy070677's picture

Thanks everyone. Looks like unless something significantly changes soon we are getting divorced.

Areyou's picture

Keep us posted. We are here for you. I hope he sees what’s going on and is willing to fix things to save the marriage. Why don’t you leave for a few weeks to see if he changes?

amy070677's picture

We are currently living separately. He wanted to take the weekend off. I struggled it. I couldn't respect his wishes. I also got bad news I don't know if I said that in this forum yet thursday that I was getting biopsy for possible cancer. I had a tough weekend. I text him some. He said I made it worse. Maybe time will change it. I don't know that we can fix it, but I would have liked to try.