I have a 'mini wife' as well..except its my stepson!!!
Ive recently (the past 2 months or so) taken a "step back" to really try and get to the bottom of what is going on in our Family. Boy was I shocked by what Ive uncovered!!! Ive seen other posts on here, about how some of the skids act like "mini-wife" or "mini-spouses".. And then "BAM" it hit me, my stepson (middle boy) acts like a mini-spouse to my DH!! I have three stepsons (8,10,13) and my BD is 7.
I generally have zero problems with my two stepsons (the 8 & 13yr olds), but Ive had nothing but alot of heartache and "bullying" behaviour out of the 10 yr old ss. He's hit me (repeatedly), he's been very vocal about his non-respect of me. He's caused countless fights with my DH. He is rude and disrespectful in many many ways to me.
While Ive taken some time to just watch and study his relationship with my DH, I was pretty shocked to realize what really is going on here. My DH has really created a major problem here!! The child (ss10) will not allow my DH and I to even sit near each other, if I try to sit by my DH the child will honestly do everything he can to annoy me into just getting up and leaving the situation. He gives me the 'death stare' anytime I am even remotely close to his father. Then I realized something, and so I decided that this past weekend I was gonna (secretly) do my own little 'research' into my new found idea of the main problems between SS10 and I.. and I was soooo correct!!!
If I would sit beside hubby, ss10 will throw a fit, and would literally come over and sit all over hubby (like a toddler would)ie..thow his body all over DH in a toddler like manor. I would just get up and leave. As I was leaving the area, I saw that ohhh so proud "haha" look on the childs face!! Grr... If hubby even talks to me, SS10 will interupt and turn the convo to him instead. But, worse of all, Ive realized that hubby IS the problem. Perhaps somewhere along the road, Hubby has sadly and wrongly, allowed this child to have too much "Power" in our home and in my place in this family. SS10 definitely does NOT respect me, at all. In fact, he likes to say mean things to me, infront of hubby and others, and hubby has allowed it!! Definitely a 'guilty daddy' situation. Hubby talks more about SS10, then he does his other two boys. SS10 will argue about everything, whats for dinner down to what we are gonna do next, he always wants his way. If he doesnt get his way, he will then ruin it for everyone, by throwing tantrums and all out fits..which include slamming doors repeatedly, tearing up his room, including tearing out the curtains from the wall and pulling the screws out as well!! He will bang on walls loudly and stomp his feet loudly...and all because he didnt get his way.
Other examples of his behaviour: He wants to always hold DH's hand in public and stand beside hubby..always... he will get mad if Im holding hubby's hand and he will then have hubby hold his instead, ive been pushed out of the way numerous times..he will throw fits, in public too..if i try to even sit by his dad while we are out to eat for dinner. If hubby goes to the bathroom, he litterally freaks out, and will sit outside bathroom door for his daddy to come be with him again. He prevents the other kids from being near their dad as well. If Hubby and I are outside smoking, he wants to come out too, and if we say no, he will sit outside of the garage door snooping on us..he has asked his dad to describe our sex life and had questions about it!! no joke... He used to sneak in our room at night and litterally stand in the dark room and get like two inched from my nose (he has given it away in the past by sneezing or by breathing on my face!!! no joke!! I now lock the door!!! He has told me over and over again that he is trying to break us up and he WILL win!! He has hit me, kicked me and spat in my face all because i sent him to his room cause he was disrespecting me while his dad was at work ...Instead of listening to me, he argues with me. If I ask him to do something, he acts like he doesnt hear me!! The list could go on and on!!
He literally acts like hubbys spouse or something!! Ive even heard him ask his dad to leave me because he doesnt like my personality!!! I just dont know what to do!!
So.. can anyone give me any advice how to explain to my DH that I need him to get SS10 to give up 'spousal' status and give it back to me, where it belongs? There is sooooo much more that I am not even explaining right now..but sadly... this kid, this 10 yr old child has WAY too much power in this family, and whats even worse, is that he KNOWS it too!! Hubby is very sensitive about his kids, so I guess I just wonder how I tell hubby what I see/and what needs to change..
Any and all advice welcome here,
Thanks
Holy crap! Your SS10 sounds
Holy crap! Your SS10 sounds exactly the same as my SD6, literally! Seriously everything you said is exactly what she does, I swear you copied down what I was writing to another user about my SD6... she always had to be sitting by him on the couch, and if I was, she would give me the death stare. She followed him around everywhere, and if he went into the bathroom or the bedroom and locked the door, she would start crying. If he and I went into the kitchen or something, she would follow us and stand in the doorway staring at us, as if to make sure we didn't do anything. If we went out to eat, she always had to sit by him, and her sister and I were never allowed to. If we were in a store, she always had to be holding his hand. If we were in the car and I was holding his hand, she would stare at me the ENTIRE ride, and freak out if I turned around to look at her. She even told him that he had to keep both his hands on the wheel when he was driving and if he didn't she would tell mom. She would pretend like she couldn't do things for herself, like getting dressed, so that he would come help her. She acted and talked like a two year old, and he treated her like one. She was extremely disrespectful to me and would say that she wanted me to leave because she hated me. I know what you mean about the list never ending! And of course he was the classic guilty daddy, so he didn't see anything wrong with it and didn't do anything about it.
I put all of this in the past tense, because SD6 doesn't live with us anymore. Her jealousy issues and behavior just kept getting worse until they got out of hand. I think I drew the line when she started lying to her family that I was abusing her and she was scared to go to daddy's if I was there. Yeah, she really wanted to get rid of me. So, I don't know if my advice is best, but I'll tell you what I think.
I don't think your DH will ever see his son as he really is, that's just how these guilty dads are. They can't accept that their kids could be manipulative brats, so they ignore it or make excuses for it. I agree that he shouldn't allow his kid to act like that, and that he is just reinforcing those behaviors by giving him attention every time. You should speak up, but phrase it without saying bad things about his son, or he might just get angry and defensive. My SO wouldn't listen to reason at all, even when I knew I was right. He needs to realize it for himself, you telling him isn't going to change things. And if you two decide to start disallowing that kind of behavior, be ready for it to get worse. SS isn't going to be happy if you stop letting him hang all over daddy.
I pointed out everything that my SD did that was attention-seeking or selfish, and SO thought I was being ridiculous. And even when we agreed on what was to be done in certain situations, I always had to remind him not to give in to her selfish behaviors. Consistency is crucial, so make sure that your DH is willing to stick to whatever you decide, or it will just make things worse. Trust me, my SO was sending mixed messages to SD and look where we ended up. I think she figured out that I was the one preventing him from giving her all the attention she wanted, so she just hated me more, and refused to change her behavior because she got everything she wanted when it was just daddy. Whatever you decide to do, good luck!
Who cares where he sits or if
Who cares where he sits or if he holds dad's hand? You have bigger fish to fry. You are allowing him to hit, kick and spit on you. Why? If he can get away with now, what do you think he's going to do when he's 15?
Your problem is definitely
Your problem is definitely your DH for allowing SS10 to be the "golden child/mini-spouse/BM do-over" If he's anything like GG (biodad I live with) then you will have to take matters into your own hands. All the behaviour you've described is exactly what Prince Hygiene (SS at the time stb7 but stb 9) was doing.
Start to let SS10 know that YOU are back in the saddle again. Out of earshot and eyeshot of DH. If DH goes into the bathroom (and of course SS tries to follow him in there) stop him and say, "I know what you're doing; I was a kid once too so I know all the tricks kids play" or "In this house children don't tell me what to do"
Keep at it. Then start your "Nanny 911 Boot Camp." Have SS10 start doing chores and then when he complains, ooh and aah all over him "DH, Isn't it WONDERFUL how SS picked up so quickly on how to properly [insert chore of your choice]??!!"
Buy a "special" beanbag chair for SS10 and then YOU sit next to DH. If he tries to wedge himself between you and DH, go around to the other side and hold his hand. Yes it sounds silly and a lot of effort, but what this skid is doing is "marking his territory" IOW "Dad is all MINE and YOU need to just make yourself scarce!"
If he "tattles" (and he will) to DH about you telling him that you are calling the shots, just play it off "Kids say the DARNDEST things!!"
He's getting more and more "adult spousal status" by the minute, thus the questions about your sex life, etc. And DH has NO business telling SS10 YOUR business (but of course they do; GG confided in the then almost 7 yr old Prince Hygiene about any fights we had or ask him "do you like Auteur?" Of course the skid is going to say "NO!" Especially if their is a psycho PASinator BM in the picture.
I would NOT be anywhere alone
I would NOT be anywhere alone with this child. For some reason, I get the feeling that he is going to bring up unfounded allegations against you (all with the helpful glee of the BM, of course).
Get a small video recorder. The type you can wear on a cord around your neck. And video tape his tantrums and outbursts. Especially when daddy-kins isn't around. Sort of a CYA deal.
Maybe THAT will cause the "lightbulb moment" your DH needs.
Why do/say things when DH
Why do/say things when DH isn't around? It implies that what you're doing is wrong.
It sends all kinds of messages to your SS.
*That you know you have no say in how you're treated in your home.
*That you're afraid to stand up for yourself when DH is around. If you do, you know he will side with the kid.
It makes you look weak. It reinforces the misconception that dad has total power and control of the home.
You shouldn't have to sneak around and play stupid games to correct what is going on.
Let DH and the kid know that his crap ends now. You will no longer put up with him putting his hands on you disrespecting you.
The kid needs to know that you aren’t afraid to stand up to him or his father.
In my case I HAD to do it
In my case I HAD to do it when daddykins wasn't around as GG is so defensive of his "angels" that he'd easily put me through a wall if I were to EVER correct his little "munchkins" (who happen to be as tall as I am when they were aged EIGHT)
Some of us have men with hair trigger rage, ESPECIALLY if it has ANYTHING to do with their previously enjoyed families.
So SMs have to resort to self preservation to save their sanity.
Yeah, this is what we see
Yeah, this is what we see happening between my SS and his mother.
It also happened between me and my son during his dads long illness, and after his father's death.
It is hard to control, but it must be done, for the kids sake.
My first husbands oldest brother did this with their mother after their parents divorced (both times).
It is when a son or daughter steps in (or is "recruited" by the one parent - often the mother) to become the "substitute spouse".
My SS sees himself now as the MAN of the family, and he has to PROTECT his mother. The problem is, he is totally unprepared nor capable of doing it maturely nor wisely - or see that this is NOT a good thing to do. His mother is very capable of taking care of herself - and she SHOULD!
When my husband was ill, and when I became a widow, I was told about this possibly happening with my son and me. I tried my best to keep the boundary between me (the PARENT) and him the SON clear. I tried my best, to not put him in a "substitute spouse" role. Unfortunately, he still felt that was his "job". He is still working through the fact that I remarried and my DH has "taken his place". There is jealously there on his part.
Fortunately, he is getting help to deal with this. My SS is NOT getting help to deal with his issues. He is looking to his fiance and his friends for support, and they seem to be consistently giving him BAD, immature advice! So is the EX, for her own devious reasons. }:)
It is a curious situation. I feel for you.
Don't know if you know of this site, but here is a link that MIGHT help:
http://helpguide.org/mental/coparenting_shared_parenting_divorce.htm
When parents of the kids are clear and firm in who is the parent and who is the child, it can help.
Unfortunately, my skids mother (and my DH admits he also) weren't as clear as they should have been as to who are the adults in the family and who are the KIDS. Thus, his kids are acting like THEY are supposed to run the show! NOT!
Good luck.
Thank you all for your
Thank you all for your thoughts and suggestions. I truly appreciate your thoughts. I need to clear something up, I may not have been clear on.. My hubby had to work once when the stepsons were here with us for a week, that is when the SS10 hit me, he did hit me several times and threw things at me. He also spit in my face. The child is as tall as I am unfortunately. I was very unprepared to handle a child who would do these things.
We have made a pact that I will not watch the kids if he has to work!! Im sure you can understand why. Now more that anything, the SS10 just gives me "I Hate You" stares, has told me he hates me, has made up lies about me/or what I did, etc. It just sucks!! I have done sooooo much for these kids!
Anyways, I just wanted to clear that up, about when the child was physical towards me. I really do believe in what the above person said. I was thinking that as well! This child, ss10, is very sensitive and I do feel that DH pehaps leaned on SS10 during his divorce from BM (which was horribly bitter). I had wondered if perhaps now the line between child and adult has been blurred. I think this is definitely possible.
How do you explain to said child that he is NOT an adult, but a child..and that I am DH's Wife and I DO have a say in my own home and I DO deserve respect?? Any and all thoughts are welcome please!!
I DO love my Husband very very much, and I AM committed to this marriage and making it work!
Thanks so much!
You can't TELL him, you need
You can't TELL him, you need to SHOW the kids you WILL be respected. There will be consequences for them bad behavior towards you. Lost privileges, no TV, you leave the room, whatever the situation calls for. etc.... But make sure your DH and you are in agreement with what the consequences will be, or the kids will divide and conquor!
I think it is best if you not be put in a position of being alone with them again. For your safety.
The kids sound young, and they are not mentally nor emotionally mature enough to effectively verbalize their frustration, depression and confusion about what is going on - so they ACT IT OUT - on you.
I got the "YOU SUCK" from my biological son all the time when I set a boundary on him, so it isn't necessarily because you are the stepparent. At that age - especially if they are tall or big for their age - they try and throw their weight around. They think that "might = right". NOT!!!
As even biological parents have to learn do, we say, "Yeah you hate me, but I love you and there's nothing you can do about it." Drives them nuts.
Do NOT take the bait!
His father needs to be the one to tell him, that HE will NOT put up with disrespect from them towards you. It is important though that he says "I LOVE YOU" to the kids a LOT, and reasure them that he loves them - always - but he will NOT allow them to treat you poorly.
Good luck.
How horrible for you. I know
How horrible for you.
I know where this mini-spouse thing was taken as far as incest. I knew a man who attended some lifeskill therapy session and then had to admit to as many people as possible about his incest to clear his soul... His father died suddenly and in her grief his mother turned to her 13 yr old son for support and ultinately 'comfort'. Needless to say this was TMI and I removed myself from that friendship. But I can see where this can come from.
I think you would be prudent to keep the child at arms length. Speak to your DH about how much you love him and how you want to be able to have time with him around the kids like a normal couple however SS10 is making it difficult to be his wife. So you would like the 2 of you to set up guidelines and houserules for everyone. Rules like staying in your room after lights-out unless you are ill or need the bathroom. If you need an adult you can only go to your biological parent. Anyone found out and about at night will have *x* consequence.
If anyone hits an adult in the home or uses abusive behaviour like spitting or kicking the police will be called. No excuses.
Bad language will result an a 1 hr exile from the TV/family room per word. It includes adults as well. That being said I would never be watching TV!
The rules need to be clear and agreed to by you and your DH. Your DH is not doing his son any favours by allowing this behaviour. He will not grow into a good young man. And maybe that would be something to repeat. He is not creating a good environment for his son to have a strong role model for adult behaviours. How he treats you is how he will ultimately treat future women in his life. The building blocks start NOW!