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I have finally left - a bit wobbly, so some handholding please

Tara456's picture

Thank you to those who were helping with my last post, sorry if it looked like I had disappeared but I was processing what it meant and what I needed to do next.

Terrified that the eldest SS would return to the house and the abuse from him would return after he emailed me a miss-the-point "apology" after his violent outburst last year, and after another blowout by my partner, I fled to friends. It has been one of the hardest decisions to make in my life, despite so many awful things happening which you might say should have made it the easiest.

I have now left. I found a little house hundreds of miles away from the abusive stepsons, and I hope and pray that I never see them again.  When I spoke with my partner, I let it all out. About him, his sons, the abuse.  He said he finally heard me, finally listened to me, finally didn't interrupt me when I detailed exactly what they did and the effect it had on me, my work, my life, my health, our relationship, everything. He said he was ashamed and disgusted with them and that he would finally take action.  He confessed that he knew they'd never be there for him and that their behaviour has been appalling towards me.

Finally. But too late. A message to all the biological parents who think it doesn't really matter what your children do to your partner, or it'll blow over, or brush it off, or forget it and focus on other things: you are disrespecting and not protecting your partner, you are demeaning yourself, and you are ruining your children. The more they get away with the abuse and nothing is said, the more they will continue. It becomes about power and a game, which they find amusing to try and destroy a relationship and another person, but which could have devastating consequences on the step parent. 

I will write a reply to the SS at some point. He better be sitting down.

Thank you to the Samaritans for getting me through this too.  And thank you to everyone here.  It feels lonely here, and I don't know what the future holds, so some friendly handholds would be very welcome, but I am free of them. 

 

Tara.

ESMOD's picture

I would also take this as a message to the people like you who have suffered "in silence".. or at least suffered in low voice mode.  You finally bared all with him.. the outcome could have been different if the same conversation happened years ago.. but there comes a point where our feelings are too broken to repair.

Winterglow's picture

I am glad you finally found the strength to leave. A wise person once told me that you know it's time to go when it hurts more to stay than to leave ... Please take care of you, be kind to you, it's the least you deserve.

I'd also like to remind you that your ex's regrets, his contrition, his shame ... are part of a fairly standard reaction when someone realizes (finall) exactly what they've lost. However, all the promises of change, how things will be different, etc. are just lip service. The changes will last until the victim is reeled back in, possible a couple of weeks more and then it will be business as usual. An abuser is aware that it gets harder to leave every time. So, all I'm saying is don't get sucked back in. Leopards don't change their spots. 

As for writing to his spawn, what's your motivation? If it's to get things off your chest and get some kind of closure then, by all means, go for it. If it's to make him understand the pain that he's inflicted on you, don't bother. He won't even read it. Even if he does, he isn't going to see what we all see because he thinks you're the one who's wrong. 

You are now a long way away from your torturers, keep it that way. Look to the future because it's going to be bright! It's time to concentrate on you and where you're going now that you have your life back. You may be lonely now, but it won't last. There must be a hobby that you've alway wanted to do, a class you'd like to attend, so do it! Never look back. 

Heartfelt (((((HUGS)))))

2Tired4Drama's picture

Winter is right in that you will get NOTHING from responding to the SS.  Closure with any of the skids or your SO is overrated in this case.  The most important closure should have been when you walked out the door forever.  Which brings up my concerns.  You said:

"He said he was ashamed and disgusted with them and that he would finally take action.  He confessed that he knew they'd never be there for him and that their behaviour has been appalling towards me. Finally."  

I'm worried because there seems to be a thread of hope interwoven here, buried among the other words you posted.  Do you believe this statement from him at all?  You shouldn't, therefore it shouldn't even be worth mentioning or typing out because it's nothing more than the b.s. he's been dishing out for years. 

I am so glad you made the step to leave but you must be very, very careful of not falling back into the trap. And your own (unconscious) wishful thoughts or hopes can be the grease to doing that.  Trying to maintain any kind of conversation is a mistake. Period.

If you must communicate with your SO about practical matters during this transition then do so by text or email in a very pointed, professional way in as limited amount as necessary. Don't even bother discussing anything about your relationship.  It's over. 

Your SO isn't going to change no matter what he says.  The SS isn't going to change, no matter what kind of rebuttal you write him - so why bother.  But I do hope you see that this line of thinking is problematic and you need to be aware of it.

I do wish you all the best in your new life. 

TheAccidentalSM's picture

You've broken the cycle of abuse.

As others have said, becareful not to get reeled back into the disfunction.

Concentrate on how lovely and drama free your new life is.  

Best of luck

SKIDSarekillingme2's picture

Abuse is so traumatizing it is hard to work through.  The good news is now you can heal.  Now that you have removed yourself and you aren't ever going back to the situation you can begin to heal.  Healing can be hard work, but so rewarding.  The hard truth is that you will never forget this abuse and it will likely come back to you in such strange moments, but you can heal.  You have made the very difficult truth to remove yourself from abusive SS and I'm proud of you, that is not easy!  Your spouse was enabling this behavior and in my mind sometimes that is worse than the behavior itself.  He is toxic as well.  My best wishes to you during the process of healing hugs to you...be kind to yourself!

Stepdrama2020's picture

I am so proud of you.

You just made the best step towards your next chapter. A chapter filled with peace, healing, and growth. 

As lonely as you might get please do not let ex DH back into your world, like ever.

Get a pup, a cat, heck a goldfish ANYTHING you can give love to and watch how it grows.  Most importantly give yourself love and high five yourself, youve got this  Smile

Keep us posted  BLESSINGS girl, you made it!

AgedOut's picture

Please don't do this all alone. Look for a decent counseller and let them help you get through it. You were in an abusive situation and there is damage in you. Fix it. Meet new people, have fun, and remember any of your $ that gets spent...gets spent by you!

 

Rags's picture

Take care of  yourself and enjoy your new life adventure. You will come out of this far better off.  Give yourself time to grieve and heal.

End all contact with your X and his failed family progeny.  Quit serving yourself up  on the alter of martyrdom to this failed mate/father and his spawn.

Give rose

ndc's picture

Don't wobble.  Make sure your departure is permanent, and don't waste your time or effort replying to the SS.  If it would make you happy or be cathartic to reply, write it all out and then throw it away.  No good will come of responding to him.  Take care of yourself - you're doing the right thing, but it's still not easy.

Birchclimber's picture

I don't know you, but I am so proud of you!  You have come a very long way and your future is bright.  I agree with some of the above comments regarding sending SS a reply to his email.  You owe him nothing and sometimes no reply is the best revenge.  Don't second guess anything that you did.  You handled your situation with as much grace as the situation allowed. Continue making your exit complete and final.  You are free from this ongoing pain.  No contact is the best contact at this point. 
Keep Us Posted.  Hugs to you.

CLove's picture

How are you doing today? I hope that things are going well and you are feeling stronger and really great about your decisions.

He is trying to hoover you back in with all the rhetoric about HEARING and UNDERSTANDING and LISTENING. Dont be taken in by all that. Hes lost you, and will say anything to get you back.

((hugs))

relationshipguru's picture

Congratulations on escaping. I want you to know you made the one hundred percent right decision. Do not under any circumstances tolerate abuse again. We are here for you. We are very proud of you. Do not fall for your exes hoover. Things will not change. My advice to you is to invest in yourself now. Start seeing a therapist. Get out and meet people. Do things you always wanted to do but couldn't when you were with him. Do fun things too!  Put on some sunglasses because your future is going to be very bright without him and his toxic family around.

Tara456's picture

Hello,

I became quite a hermit, licking my wounds. Far away from the evil SK, it felt wonderful to not deal with them.

But how do you get over the hatred and resentment?  I found out that my partner never did confront his sons as he promised he would when I left. He chickened out again. They were never read the riot act, never punished for what they did to me and to him, they just got away with it. 

Even worse, one of the sons went into his house when he was away, lied about what he was doing there, invited friends round, they all took a load of drugs and he accidentally overdosed. He survived. You'd think that would finally make the penny drop?  He's treating his sons as if they are Princes again, sees the drug taking as a sign of stress and "poor son, he is so sensitive" rather than a spoiled brat blowing all his money on cocaine.

Meanwhile, I'm here, far away, hearing about this from my neighbour. The hatred I have for them is sky high still, even more now I know about the overdose and the spoiling and pandering that has happened since.  He must be lapping it up and laughing to himself at how ridiculous his father is.

How do you get over the hatred and resentment? Here am I, broke and broken by them. Having to move hundreds of miles away to get away from them and am still healing and traumatised by all they did to me. There they are, without one word of scolding by their father, being taken on holidays and treated until the ends of the earth. It literally makes me sick.

T.

Rumplestiltskin's picture

The fact that nothing changed except for the worse is proof that you did the right thing by leaving! This a-hole and his loser kids will never change. You are so much better off without them. 

Winterglow's picture

The first thing to do in order to heal is to cut all connections with them all - phone numbers, social media, email addresses, block them all. You don't need to have periodic reminders that these feral brutes exist. Stop asking anyone for information (your neighbour) and if anyone offers it, ask them not to talk to you about them. It is of no importance to you whether they live or die.

Are you seeing a therapist to help you through this? If not, please find one. At the very least tell your doctor that you need help with your PTSD ... and insist on being listened to. 

Have you found a job? Do you know anyone where you now live? Have you ever spoken about what you endured to your friends or family? You truly need to get this out in the open so that you can put it behind you. Denying it, keeping it to yourself only lets the whole situation live on inside you. 

Is there a local community centre? A library? Are you in a fairly large town or a village?

Marianne's picture

You did the bravest and most amazing for yourself by leaving. I was horribly abused by my SD for 15 years. I find it hard to let the anger go. My DH was a participant in the abuse for doing nothing about it until he realized that she would never change--never love or respect him...It is some deep anger and pain. I'm learning that whenever I remember it, those strong emotions are relived--again and again. It is time for me to work on doing something about this anger, resentment. I am safe now and far away from her. We are NC and detached from any future relationship with her. To realize that I keep hurting myself by remembering doesn't fit with the new life DH and I are making.  Maybe journaling about how to let it go would be helpful. I am so thankful for this place to learn from those in it with skids too. I have totally vented here. I would really like to let it all go though. I don't know how to do this either.

 

ndc's picture

You moved hundreds of miles away and ended up with a neighbor who knows your ex and the dysfunctional shenanigans of his worthless offspring? That is certainly bad luck. I would instruct that neighbor to stop telling you anything about them.

Also, the karma bus doesn't operate on a set route or schedule - you can't know when it might pull up to your ex's house. Nor do you want to know - put those horrid people out of your mind. I would recommend counseling if you're not already getting it.

Tara456's picture

Thank you.  I am lonely, but am gradually making new friends. Feeling old, feeling I have wasted years and come out pummelled, while those awful SKs have literally come out of the pigsh*t they create smelling of roses. 

When the SS overdosed, and lay on life support for several days, surely I thought, surely surely everyone, including the BM will wake up to what they're like. Not only this SS but his brother who lied all this time about the drug taking, telling my partner I was lying about it, or "just had it in for them" and was exaggerating. He believed them over me. And there he was, standing looking at his son on life support, because his druggie son lied to him non stop and his brother did too, and because I was the only person telling him the truth all those years and he always believed his sons over me.

The idea that someone nearly died, no matter how much I hate him, because of their lies just blows my mind. Now the SS has moved in with him and apparently they're all playing happy families and his deceit and drug has just meant he is being treated like a precious King. You're all right, I shouldn't ask my old neighbour (btw @ndc, it's my previous neighbour back there) and should blank them all out of my life.

But I am filled with rage, and pain, and hatred. It's eating me up, and I know it's not healthy for me. I just wish there was some justice, I wish they had to go through one fraction of the pain they put me through.  But they go through life scott free, with their parents rescuing them from every hint of challenge that is caused by their actions and mistreatment of people.

CLove's picture

about Toxic Troll BM. And feel the same way about SD23 Feral Forger.

I would suggest some therapy, and if thats not available to you, write it out. Pour it out here, and in a journal. Get it on paper. Maybe save it, or alternatively burn it. Have several burn ceremonies.

Maybe study a bit about the addiction dynamic as well as co-dependency. That helped me to understand a bit about my situation.

The anger, and rage go away with time and distance. Just "trust that they suck".

And Im in my 50's. I started over quite a number of times and 2022 was one of those times. Its never too late.

Rumplestiltskin's picture

But - they don't smell like roses and they didn't get off scot-free. SS OD'd and lives with his dad. He is not what anyone would call a success right now. And your ex has his adult child(ren) dependent on him. He is not what anyone would call a successful parent. No matter what anyone says out loud, they are all thinking the same thing about your ex and his kids - thank God that's not me! 

Rags's picture

life.  Keep in mind... living well is the best revenge.

A wise STalker recently shared that you can love and forgive from a distance... and call the cops.

Forgive yourself. They are not worthy and will relive the same shallow and polluted gene pool crap repeatedly.

Do not stalk them.  Those who track will no doubt update you without  you wasting your healing energy to hunt down their crap status.

I have been divorced from my XW for more than 32 years. I still periodically will have someone reach out after running into her.  

I was her 1st DH. At last update she is on DH #3, has thee all out of wedlock children by two different baby daddies, two are cheat babies that she conceived while cheating on a husband. And, my XIL clan was sued by XMIL's employer for the return of $Millions they collectivley embezzled from the company that XMIL worked for.  My XW's liability for pay back was $2Mil. XMIL was arrested by the Federal Marshals as the family was exiting the final settlement hearing of the civil suit.

Karma will deliver.  Give it time. To deliver on your wonderful new life, and on their toxic crap.

reedle2021's picture

First, a big hug to you and kudos to you for leaving!  I know that is hard.  How do I know?  Because I was in a similar situation and left last May, divorce was finalized in September.  I know what you are feeling, but it will pass.  Take some time to put things in perspective with a clear head.  You made the right choice.

Second, avoid any further contact with your partner and his worthless sons.  If you ever mattered to your partner, he would never have allowed his sons to treat you in this manner.  Of course, now he is promising things.  He says he sees it clearly now?  Really?  You didn't notice the blatant abuse before?  This kind of denial makes my blood boil.  My ex was blind to his b*stard son's behavior too.  It's disgusting and sick. And please either distance yourself from this neighbor who knows your ex or politely ask that they not tell you anything.  One word of caution, if they know what your ex is doing and reporting it to you, this neighbor may very well be reporting to him what you are doing.  Please, be careful.  Avoidance and cutting off this toxic situation is the best thing you can do for yourself right now.  Please don't entertain SS with any kind of reply.  You can make your message clear but cutting them all off and moving on. 

Regarding your post:  "A message to all the biological parents who think it doesn't really matter what your children do to your partner, or it'll blow over, or brush it off, or forget it and focus on other things: you are disrespecting and not protecting your partner, you are demeaning yourself, and you are ruining your children."  You nailed it.  That is 100% nothing but pure truth.  Now my ex SS wasn't outwardly abusive, but his daddy was and he followed his daddy's lead.  He was quietly hostile, passive aggressive and frequently told lies to his daddy about me.  And whatever sonnyboy accused me of, his daddy didn't question it.  I was automatically guilty. 

I have a message to all my Stalker friends.  If you are in a relationship with someone who humiliates and degrades you, makes you feel like you are walking on eggshells all the time, allows their offspring and other toxic family members to treat you poorly, please leave.  It doesn't get better and will never get better.  You will waste money, time and your youth trying to have any kind of a normal relationship with a**holes like this.  You will be forever unfulfilled, resentful and constantly trying to work things out, make things better, while all other parties involved do nothing. Apologies and words mean nothing.  It's what your significant other DOES in these situations that really matters.  And when your partner disrespects you, allows his/her kids to disrespect you, always puts you and your relationship last, then there should be no discussion.  Leaving is the best thing.  

Tara456, my heart goes out to you and I am here for you as are all of the other posters.  You can message me any time on here if you need to talk.  Trust me, you will start to feel better after a few days.  You should read my posts - I have been through a bad situation and came out on the other side much better, much freer, and feeling much more myself.  My only regret is not leaving my situation earlier.  I would also try to get some counseling to help you deal with the trauma because that's what this situation is for you:  trauma.  I used to think that was too strong a word for these situations but it isn't.  I was in denial about the horrid way I was treated.  Denial of the horrid nature of what you went through is the only way to deal with it in the beginning until you can be helped to process what you have gone through.

And yes, it can feel lonely at first.  Take care of yourself.  Do things for yourself.  Take a long walk, make yourself a dinner you love or go get some of your favorite take out.  Take a nice hot bubble bath with candles.  Read your favorite books or watch your favorite movies.  Journaling can be nice as well and help you start to process those emotions.  Cry if you need to but speak kindly to yourself.  Go get a massage or a pedicure.  Just do YOU.  To hell with everyone else.  Whatever you do, don't start "what if'ing" yourself and be tempted to go back to your ex partner.  There may be some thoughts of "what if I left and shouldn't have," etc., in the aftermath of your departure.  Be strong, those feelings will pass.

Rags post was well-said as usual, especially his last statement:  "Karma will deliver.  Give it time. To deliver on your wonderful new life, and on their toxic crap."  Again, I speak from experience.  This is true!

Please, take care of yourself, keep us posted.  We are here for you! 

**HUGS**