I hate being a stepmother

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Hi i am new here and just need to vent and tal to someone about this.

i have been with my fella for nearly 2 years and i love him dearly BUT he has a 6 year old son, hes not a bad child or anything but i just hate being a stepmother i dont have any of my own kids im 30 and my partner is 24. i dread it on the weekends he has to have him i hate him being around and i dont know why i wish i was like a normal women and could embrace it but i cant i literaly hate being around him and having in my life i know i sound horrible but im not i cant wait to have my own children but i just dont want someone elses thing from a one night stand 6 years ago why should i suffer from there mistake? if i ddidnt have to be involved i would be fine but my partner wants me to do things with them and spend time with him whwn i dont see why? he has a mother he doesnt need me as long as im pleasent when hes aound i dont see the issue, so at the moement i avoid him as much as i can because being around him depresses me and puts me in a mood i just cant be bothered for it and my partner literraly just lets him do what he wants he never dicsiplines him which also irritates me, we have had many close break ups over this and my lack of interest in his son. i just dont know what to do oh and the other thing which has left me furios, we are looking at getting a house within the next few months and as his son only stays one night in 2 weeks i assumed he was going to have the smallest bedroom as to me it seems like a complete waist of a room but no apparantly he wants him to have the seconf largest room!!!!! WTF like cant he see the logic, so what when i have a child who will be leaving there 24hrs with us they have to have the smallest room??!! NO.

i just dont want this child in my life as horrible and evil as it sounds i wish he woud just move away permenantly with his mother and we never had to see him again i literaly cant stand it :(.

please dont think i am this evil step mother because i not i spoil him rotten and im always nice to him even when he is a brat sometimes and have realy tried my best over the past year or so in many many ways and its been hard but my partner doesnt appreciate my lack of interest or if i had rant like this i dont think he would be pleased and obviosuely i dont want to hurt him by telling him all this. please someone give me some advice on what to do.

thanks x

It's not your job to be

It's not your job to be another parent, your BF's expectations are unrealistic. As long as you are nice to his kid, that's all he can ask for. But if you two can't get on the same page about that, it might be time to end the relationship.

thank you for your reply,

thank you for your reply, this is what i have thought all along and now i will literaly walk out if the room and make an excuse not to be there if his son is there now because ithe situation irritates me and i worry that he will ask me to do something with him. im always nice to him i would never make him feel unwanted but i dont understand why my BF expects me to stay in the same room as him while hes playing on his xbox or play happy families with him, i have asked him before if he expects this from me then he needs to respect it will be all or nothing he cant expect me to be the fun step mother and put up with the crap too. e.g i have asked multiple times can you ask (H) his son to put his toys away after him and take his plates to the kitchen etc because he leaves the house in a total disgusting state and i dont believe in having other clean up after you. his reposne was he is only 6 but dobt worry il get him to start cleaning up, this was about 2 months ago and its no different the kid runs riot makes a mess everywhere and all him and his family can do is laugh and leave him to it its realy stressing me out i love my BF very much but cant be bothered with his child anymore *dash1*

You are wise not to get

You are wise not to get involved in cleaning up after his son and picking up the parenting slack for your BF.

If you continue in this situation, you will resent BF and the love you feel for him will decrease. After all, he's the real problem, not the kid. If he were a good parent, you'd like feel less resentful of the child.

THANK YOU :)

Thsnk you because i did at first and then had enough of doing it. i am starting to resent him because he is just way way to soft with him and i think he does it because he feels guilty because he didnt want him he was unplanned and unwanted. and its hard because i dont feel like i ave the right to tell him how to parent because im not one so im stuck between a rock and hard place

You can't tell him how to

You can't tell him how to parent, but you can tell him what you will and won't do, and what are deal breakers for you. Then he can decide whether he wants to change his parenting or not.

I do not agree. You have an

I do not agree. You have an absolute right, not only the right, but the duty to parent any children in your home regardless of kid biology.

Spouses are equity life partners and that makes them equity parents to any children in their home and marriage. Regardless of the biology involved.

If the BioParent in the marriage won't step up, parent and discipline then they forfiet that position to their spouse. If they don't like how the Sparent/Spouse parents then the BP can step up and get it done before the Sparent has to.

Well - to be fair, you think

Well - to be fair, you think you have the right to parent children in the grocery store.

Everyone has the right to not

Everyone has the right to not have failed parents interfere in their day.

Until one of them calls the

Until one of them calls the cops.

It hasn't happened yet.

I have a friggin plate and

I have a friggin plate and glass on the coffee table been there 5 days now, waiting for him to pick it up lol.

I have told him im not picking up after his kid, if its still there tomorrow its time for only 2 of everything out so he has to bring his own cups as daddy cant clean up and i am not a slave. lol

This is what I have atm. I

This is what I have atm. I got nothing against the kid but my SO wont clean up after him. Leaves it to me like some slave. Gets defensive if inask him to clean it up. I dont know if we will ever get to marriage and i know for a fact i couldn't have kids with him if i wanted as he wouldn't pull his weight and I would do it all. Not accepting his kid as he wants is probably why I dont tbh.

Maybe see a counsellor to

Maybe see a counsellor to really get to the bottom of why you resent him so much. Don't struggle alone. Get professional help. Read books and websites. Start soul searching by writing all your thoughts and feelings into a journal. Also, try staying with friends and family when he stays over. It works brilliantly. If your SO complains that you're not spending any time with SS, tell him that he needs to lift his game with discipline before you'll consider it.

i have been thinking of

i have been thinking of seeing someone tbh my friends have also said the same thing to me. i use to love children but my ex husband didnt want any and i recently found out he has had a baby with his new partner so i know thats not helping but this has been going on for alot longer than recently. i have suggested not staying there when his son is there but then he starts a massive argument and just says that i have to soend time with him and should so i start to get a bond with him but i have tried and i just cant. xx

If your SO wants you to have

If your SO wants you to have a bond and relationship with his child, he needs to step up and parent that child to make that child a person that you can bond and have a relationship with.

Far too many parents are of the opinion that the world should adapt to and accept their child when it is the child that should adapt to and accept the world. It is the BP's job to deliver a tolerable child. It is not eveyone else's, including the SParent, job to accept the product of failed parenting.

you are spot on i couldnt

you are spot on i couldnt aggree more TBH. i think he thinks im just picking on his son or something but its not i just dont want a brat i ahve told im this before too. i am a blunt person and dont mean to be and i know there are certian things you can and cant say but i say them anyway i cant help it:( xx

Remember only one BM accident

Away of having this child 24/7/365. Or BM getting arrested, of find a new BF and moving away alone with BF. Or, ..or..

If you can't stand being

If you can't stand being around the 6 year old, your partner is a weak parent and he expects you to be involved with his son, it's time to re-evaluate the relationship. The child is 6 - he's going to be around a looong time. And without strong parenting, his currently acceptable behavior will probably get worse. It's almost guaranteed to get worse during the teen years. If you have a child with this man, your options become more limited. And if you want kids, you don't want to waste time in the wrong relationship. Plus Harry is right - at any moment your partner could become a full time parent. If you hate it now . . . .

^^^This

Time to re-evaluate the relationship. Being in a relationship with someone that has children is not for everyone. Not wanting that does not make you a "bad" person. And, just because you tried to have a relationship with someone that has a child does not mean you can't change your mind about it. Do not let anyone make you feel otherwise.

Billy hedge if your SO tries

Billy hedge if your SO tries to start a massive argument, just shut the conversation down and say "Stop. I'm not going to argue with you. I'll be staying elsewhere on SS weekends until you improve your discipline. That's final."

And then walk away.

Your SO will feel frustrated, but he'll pretty quickly see that there's no point in arguing with you. Trust me. I've been on the receiving end of partners who have SHUT the conversation DOWN. Take it from me. There's nothing that can be done when that happens.

I dont believe you should

I dont believe you should have to take care of or pay for his son... but honestly...if you cant figure out how to be accepting of his presence... you owe it yourself and everybody else to be in a relationship that makes you happy. It's really early enough and no shame in admitting that this life is not for you. Having your own child will only make it harder.

thank you all for you

thank you all for you responses i appreciate all opinions thats what i need im ao confused i hate being in this situation, at first t did not bother me in the slightest it just meant a few times a month i wouldnt see my SO which i just thought great it means i can get some time to myself take myh orses out etc but no he wants me to be involved i dont understand why but maybe thats because i dont have my own children, i do want children realy badly but its not the right time and i know that. i know i need to stop thinking of my ex and tbh i realy dont care if he dropped dead tommorow im just angry over it lol. i have tried to ask him to discipline him in certin things but like i said i feel like i have no right to do so. i resent the kid because he is a spoilt brat he realy is so ungrateful for everything his birthday has just gine and my SO spent days making a fortnite drop box for him and filled it with presents for him and told him a helicopter droppped it off etc and all he could say was aww well wheres the guns then my SO was so upset he felt like a bad parent so then i resent the skid because hes upset my SO and really annoys me thast 1 of about 50 examples some are worse. theres other cracks appreaing in our relationship now and im at breaking point i think and i cant take any of it much longer. if he did become a full time parent i would be gone or he would have to go bording school as horrible as that sounds.....i think i need a nice long holiday with the girls to clear my head XX

Clearly this is not the right

Clearly this is not the right relationship for you. Please leave before you get any further down the rabbit hole with this guy. You all deserve to be happy and you just can't get past the fact that he has a son.

Unfortunately, this would be one of those "non-negotiable" fatal flaws in a mate for you.

Please don't struggle on and get married.. and then come back to a group like this with "They say you knew what you were getting into.. but you can't ever really know."

YOU KNOW. You don't like his kid.. you don't want to be around his kid. You know it's selfish and unfair to expect a father to ditch his child. You know it's unfair to consider shipping a child off to boarding school for your comfort and convenience. So.. you know what you are getting into and you don't like it. Why torture yourself and everyone else? This guy may be "great".. but he has a deformity that you can't get past.. a child.. Do you really want to fake your life and spend it avoiding your home?

Unfortunately, I think that people who marry people with kids.. "DO" know more about what they are getting into.. maybe not all of the nitty gritty.. but they usually do understand and ignore multiple red flags and STILL go further because they want what they want.. circumstances be damned. They hope it will get better.. will change. News flash.. it generally doesn't.. it gets harder and more complicated. If you can't stomach the kid now.. you are likely to not figure out how to do it later on.

yeah i understand what your

yeah i understand what your saying and i think iv been in denial thinking it will get better i just dnt want to be without my partner.

Unfortunately, his kid will

Unfortunately, his kid will always be a part of his life.. a priority.. an obligation.. a person that shouldn't be marginalized. It isn't like not caring for an inlaw where you can manage exposure.

If you think you can go to therapy and get a different mind-set towards the kid.. by all means.. give that a shot. If not.. and you feel like you do.. it's a kindness to let people move on (including yourself).

I know and i realise that. im

I know and i realise that. im just so cinfused and dont what to do when its just me and my BF its amazing but then if he mentions shis son i instantly just want to tell him shut up i dont care but i dont i just sit and listen:( thank you for your response

"his guy may be "great".. but

"his guy may be "great".. but he has a deformity that you can't get past.. a child.." This really made me LOL

You don't want to be without

You don't want to be without your partner but unless he changes his parenting style you will evenutally get to a place where you can't tolerate being around him any more, not only the child. Change will not take place unless he makes that effort so you have to ask yourself what are you willing to live with....

1) Stay with your partner, accept his sh!tty parenting and be miserable or

2) Leave, cut your losses and date someone that knows how to parent or who has no children.

its hard because i realy do

its hard because i realy do love my partner snd i never thought being a step parent would be so hard. i dont hink he appreciates how difficult it is and when i tell him that it is all he has to say is you knew i had a child when we met which yes he is right but doesnt mean i want it hes not MINE without sounding harsh i dont realy care about the kid hes just another kid to me

What you are feeling is

It is not your job to be the other parent. Your boyfriend's expectations are unrealistic. What you are feeling is normal. All I want is my own children too. I did not dislike my ex's kids however it was definitely not the same as having my own children. What did not help matters is my ex would also rarely discipline his kids and they were very entitled. His kids were nothing like me and I could not relate to that type of mentality. I can't imagine my own children having that type of mentality. I would not want to raise them to be entitled and would try my best not to do so. You cannot raise somoene else's kids as yoru own. You can try but you will most likely fail. I got tired of being told that I should want to spend more time with his kids constantly (they have a mother and a father, why was this being put on me ?) and tired of of the ex coming and going, calling, etc when it was not necessary. Why should I make the sacrifices for kids who are not my own when they were not respectful and no one would do the same for me? Just because he made the wrong decision with whom to have children with does not mean you can use someone to be your free nanny, babysitter, provider, and they should just accept your poor parenting style in the process. Being a step parent really sucks the life out of you and if you break up you will never be allowed to see those kids again. That is how much these people really value you. You are being used. You should have your own children and not look back. Or you can stay with him, accept his crappy parenting, accept his kids poor behavior and accept that you never will be valued for who you are but only for what you can provide for them.

no i agree thats why i have

no i agree thats why i have taken a huge step back now and dont see his son harldy ever anymore but then if i ask him to come see my parents with me he just says something like well you wont make an effort with my family so why should i with yours and i try to tell him theres a huge difference between staying there and entertaining a child that i dont want to parents. i see his parents, sister, nan all the time but if i dont spend time with his son i feel like i get ounished then because he wont visit my family.

so you have had the same problem then with your ex step kids? can i ask was that the reason you broke up (sorry if thats a bit personal) im just trying to get some understanding. you have the exact same views as me why does this kid need me that already have a mother and father! your absoulutely spot on its a horrible situation to be in i hate it and your right it does make you feel used too. its realy simple i just dont want a child thats not mine ecspecialy when he is spoilt and can do whatever he wants all the time no matter what it pisses me right off and i know when we get our own place soon i know i am going to be seen as the evil step mother because i will get annoyed and wont put up with his tantrams etc which he has realy bad like a brat il end up puting him i the shed lmao(joke). its even harder because the kid realy likes me but most kids do and i dont know why *ROFL*

We broke up because I was

We broke up because I was tired of feeling used and being mistreated in general. The final straw was (and there were many) when I took his kids trampolining and paid for both of them (nearly 50 dollars) while he was at work because they begged to go and I thought it would be fun to get them out of the house and they would enjoy it. As soon as we got there his daughter said she did not feel good and wanted daddy(they both have a history of faking sick when they want attention). This was after a morning of her feeling fine and being very energetic. I tried to get her to use the restroom, to eat something, to eat a tums, etc. but she refused and wanted daddy. I called him and asked him what to do and he choose to leave work and come and get her instead of dealing with it otherwise. I recommended he not leave work and that I could handle it but he disagreed. When he showed up he had an attitude with me and was angry with me. All of a sudden she felt better. It was obvious he did not want to leave work so why offer? I could've handled the situation myself but he choose to leave work. Suddenly he gets very angry with me and starts blaming me for the fact that he had to leave work and that I don't know how to deal with things. I had enough. He took everything out on me and I guess he forgot the fact that those are not my kids. Nevermind the fact that he never offered to reimburse me anytime I took his kids places, which was not a big deal because it was my choosing but looking back I think he should've at least offered even if I did not accept the offer. This happened during the entire relationship where I would take his kids places and he would never offer to reimburse me. Long story short he also had a history of going off on me and taking things out on me. I had enough especially since I am not their parent and am not legally responsible for them. Why put up with someone being an A hole to me and their entitled kids? I don't have to. They have a mother and a father. They can deal with the situation, not me. He can find someone else to play free nanny. Looking back he shoud have hired a sitter and paid them to take his kids places. Then when he gets angry because his kids do not behave he will not be able to go off on them like he did me. In the end nothing I did was right or good enough for him and his precious kids. I also got the speech about being one big happy family. blah blah blah. What is happy about being drained of your money for entitled whiney kids, being told you never do anything right constantly, and a spouse who blames me for everything and has anger issues? He was not reasonable whatsoever.

OMG this sounds almost like

OMG this sounds almost like my situation, im sorry you had to have a life like that its not fair on anyone and know one deserves to have this burden out in them. he sounnds like a horrible ungrateful manchild TBH your better off wihtiut him and his brats. i feel a little better over the situation as my BF had his son last night and i made surei went out in my horse and had a bit of me time i got up to his house baout 20 minutes before he was due to take him home did not see him until he had to take him home which suited me fine and my BF didnt press me about it oor mention anything so i have the feeling hes learning to leave me out of it now but its still annoying me that he wont clean up after himself my BF is doing it for him and doesnt say anything surely by now he should start teaching him to out his toys away/ take his plates to the sink etc or am i just being to picky? but as long as i dont have to do it im just going to stay out of it. im outing the house move off at the moment and told him we will look again maybe in a few months so we shall see how it goes x

You should not be expected to

You should not be expected to pay for anything. That child is not your responsibility, financially or otherwise. He has two parents. That is who should be covering his expenses, not you.

Start setting your boundaries now

First, your feelings are VERY normal, but there are ways to help you deal with them. (Doesn't mean you stop disliking the child completely, but you find ways to live with it if you want to build a life with his father.)

The child is your bf's responsibility, and I hope he knows that. That means, all the child's need are met by him, and then you HELP at your VOLITION. This includes entertaining your SS. You are allowed to have your own time, do your own things...and you know what? When you feel better, you will start to feel better about your SS. When you let steplife consume you, you're going to get angry and resentful fast. You may be doing too much already, so take a step back and think about the things you actually WANT to do for your SS, and not the things you feel like you HAVE to. Bc you don't HAVE to do anything - that's dad's job.

As for your bf wanting one big happy family, blah blah blah, that's something he's going to have to learn to let go of too. You can either work on that together, or help expedite the process with couples counseling.

Do not marry him

Or buy a house with him it only gets worse over time . you're 30, so young. Free yourself.

i worry that i will do that

i worry that i will do that and regret it just because i couldnt suck it up and be a step mam like everyone else i know can and then i would have ruined my chance with the love of my life

Reread your post

If you hate being a stepmom and dont want to he around the kid you will resent him even more after buying a home, a major investment for someone elses kid to live in. The resentment will turn to hate. Trust that.

i was just hoping there was

i was just hoping there was some way i could get passed it or if its ok i stay out of the childs life because my BF makes me feel like its my job to be around his son and i should so i bond with him but i just dont want to, you cant force someone to llike someone and i feel liek thats what he is trying to do

You have a partrner who

You have a partrner who believes that forcing you to do things is acceptable. How is that acceptable to you?

Move on. Put this non partner and his baggage behind you.

Darlin' the only thing you'll

Darlin' the only thing you'll regret is not following your instincts and leaving this situation. You don't have to suck it up, that's not love nor a relationship. I think moving in with him and/or getting a place is not the best move right now until you see significant changes.

yeah you could be right and

yeah you could be right and i found some messages on his phone last night back from last year mind but his son was saying he seen me naked and some other load of crap and im thinking i definately dont need that sort of shit in my life, im going to speak to him about it tonight so i will let you know how it goes. yes i definately think your right about the changes x

But you are normal OP.

Id make a bet quite a few us of feel this. My fiances child is not a bad kid but i dread him coming and get exited when we have a sunday off and can actually do something. Your not evil or wrong. Its hard to accept a mistake like that, one that never goes away. With me i have no ex baggae or drama but sadly him a past of it because of the kid. She too was a fling and nothing serious so maybe that is what annoys us. A mistake they couldnt reverse. Ill admit im a little pissed off she trapped him into the kid as tbh, he could have really done without that in his life. Its hard to hear sometimes the drama he had to endure and didnt even want it in the first place.

yeah its a horrible feeling i

yeah its a horrible feeling i hate feeling like it tbh i wish him and his mother owuld just dissapear. no i have an ex husband no baggage it was a clean divorce and all done within moinths never spoke to each other again. i feel like that towards the mother too because she only wanted a child to have a house basicaly and to be a bum on benefits all her life and she was 16 when she fell pregnant and just had another baby with another boy so she still doesnt have to work its unbelievable! oh i can imagine its a horrible prediciment to be in for both i understand that, but i was just telling one of the other forum writers that i found some messages last night on his phone to her where his son said he seen me naked etc which i know is a load of crap so im thinking is he just trying to cause trouble now or is she. she also said he said he doesnt like me haha which tbh i realy dont care i realy would be quite happy if i never ever have to see him again. i just dont know what to do because i never ever wanted this in my life anyone who knows me was shocked when i said i was with someone with a kid but you cant help who you fall in love with its just i love him and not his son i barely tolerate him everything irritates me about him i know its horrible to say

well we had a huge argument

well we had a huge argument friday over it all. im getting to the end point now. he is saying i make no effort to see his son bla bla bla but again why should i asked him this and said why do i have to he doesnt need me in his life and he said that if i dont we are over! if i cant acept him then we are done but its not that i dont accept him at all i just dont know why i have to be involved he told me its becuase he wants it and wants us to be a family and i told him hes dreaming we will never be a family because hea not my child i dont know what more i can do surely as long as i dont interfere with there time together whats the issue? im lost here because i love him so much but he just will not see sense in this situation its breaking my heart he told me i was always be second priority his son will always come first i just feel like crap and at the moment even seeing him never mid his son is upseting me i dont have the same looks on him he said some realy hurtful things to me and i dont think i deserve it he said he will always be there for me you wont!!! hahahaha dull bastad sorry but no your kids grow up and get there own families at the end of the day the person who is there for you is your life partner the person you wake up with everyday and share your life with and raise your children with i think he is just so niave to it all but i just cant tell him he wont listen

Do not give him another minute of your time, life, or effort. Leave now. Move on.

And for all that is obviouse, do not pollute your gene pool by spawning with this asshole.

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I hate being a stepmother