I got married to be a single mom?!??
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Hi. I'm married almost two years now to husband. He has 10 year old daughter. He has her full time. I have no kids of my own. Husband works crazy hours so I end up waking SD up doing mornings and breakfast taking her to school picking her up from school doing dinner homework entertaining her and putting her to bed I am exhausted. I've become full time sole parent. Remember I have no kids of my own and this is my first go round w having a SK or kid in general. I love my husband but he doesn't change despite the many discussions we've had. I've told him he might lose his family over this. I didn't marry him to be a single mom. BM is loser and can't be counted on ---help advice!!!
I also work full-time.
I also work full-time. Husband makes OK money but not great. Not nearly enough for the hours he's putting in. I've tried to tell him that I need him to step up and I've even given examples but he just says he can't bc he's working to better our family. I would LOVE to go to couples counseling but when would we go? He's always working. My stepdaughter does go to the afterschool program as I cannot pick her up until after I get off but then I still have her all evening by myself. I wish we could afford a nanny or that her birth mother would step up and take her some during the week but that is not the case. I also get frustrated because hudbsnd acts like my job is so much easier than his just because I don't work 17 hours a day. I still work full-time and my job is actually quite stressful. It is just added stress to come home and take care of a child that is not mine.
Heck no the money isn't worth
Heck no the money isn't worth it. Barely more than he got at his 8-5 job
^^^^This^^^^ He is going to
^^^^This^^^^
He is going to keep blowing you off until you put your foot down. Men respond best to actions, not words.
Sit him down and tell him that the current arrangement doesn't work for you and is not in the best interests of his kid. Give him a specific deadline for finding employment that allows him to parent. Use as few words as possible, be unemotional, and be clear that you will not be available after the deadline. And be prepared follow through.
Did he have his daughter full
Did he have his daughter full time when you met and were dating?
Yes he had his daughter when
Yes he had his daughter when we were dating. However he had an 8 to 5 job when we were dating also. Two months before we got married he got this new job and he works a minimum of 13 hours every day. I had no idea that it would be like this. I guess I should've asked but I really assumed it would not change this dramatically. His daughter is a nice girl and I care for her but again she's not my child and I am exhausted by the additional responsibility dumped on me
I like the idea about going out of town. I might go visit a friend for a few days and see how he handles that.
I do want go have bio kids w
I do want go have bio kids w him but I need him to be home more first. I'm
Already overloaded!
I make similar money to what
I make similar money to what he makes.. We're pretty equal but his hours are way more. So I
End up w his daughter alone bc he's at work
Let me preface this comment
Let me preface this comment with a fact that I am a cynical person.
Are you sure he is actually working all those hours. If his paycheck is not that great, then I would be checking those pay stubs. And I would help him with a new job search.
You aren't the kids mom, so he needs to get another job to accommodate being a parent. Single moms do it all the time, so can he.
Well he's not paid hourly.
Well he's not paid hourly. He's salary. So there's no hours listed on pay stub. I guess I could stop by his job to be sure he's there?? Would you? I do trust him and have met his work people. He also works an hour away so add travel time and traffic
You're right. I guess we need
You're right. I guess we need to have a serious talk and he needs to know there's a possibility that I could leave if he does not change his schedule. He has interviewed for one other job so that would be good. It would have better hours. Although I know it is hard to change jobs sometimes too. I appreciate everyone's advice. I think I might do the thing where I go out of town for a little while too. He needs to realize through experience what it takes to raise a kid. He's clearly forgotten.
Girrrl.. I feel your pain as
Girrrl.. I feel your pain as a new stop mom with no bio kids and step mom to an 11 yr old. Fk that schedule! He has a perfect live in babysitter/nanny - You!
The hell with that! It's HIS kid. PLease please please, for the love of god..Do NOT have a child with him until this is resolved PERMANENTLY.
Why would you want to do that? Then you will be saddled with TWO kids all day. His AND a baby! Please don't think a kid will make it better either. It will NOT.
So many women think that. I wish you all the luck. I hope he listens to you and hears you really soon and things get easier in your life.
A reasonable amount of help
A reasonable amount of help from you as his wife is a reasonable expectation. Handing off his spawn to you to be the primary and mostly full time parent is far from reasonable.
There are things that you can do to resolve this for the most part. SCHOOL BUSSES are a viable resolution to droppin off and picking up kids from school. SD-10 can wait for and ride the bus in both directions if you live where there is school bus coverage. Before and after school care is another resolution to your struggles. I suggest the YMCA. In may districts the Y offers pre and post school support on campus. We used it for a number of years when SS was in 3-5th grade. Since daddy is abdicating his responsibilities he gets no say in how you dispose of his spawn.
Get creative. Don't feel guilty. As they say... not your circus, not your monkey. Tell DH where his kid is and when his kid has to be picked up and let him know that making it happen is on him. Then let him miss a pick up and see how he likes the consequences. Marriage and raising a family, even a blended family, requires an equity partnership at the core. There is no evidence of equity in your partnership with DH. Quit letting him take advantage of you.
Good luck.
I don't care if you're his
I don't care if you're his wife, you don't owe him childcare. He should have discussed this with you ahead of time, before the wedding, and made sure you knew his expectations of you and what your new married role would bring.
How did he juggle this 13-17 hr day schedule before you were living together? He needs to go back to that. Or he needs to hire a part-time nanny for evenings when he's not there. Sounds like you want children of your own- If you do, when and how will you take care of your infant on this schedule? Will your SD then be expected to provide you with all of your free childcare since he won't ever be there and she will?
I'm not trying to be inflammatory here, but this doesn't sound right. He's not respecting your time or autonomy. You're working too, and no matter how much time you spend with his daughter, she's not yours.
Show him this:
http://www.stepmothersupport.com/secrets-keep-10-things-stepmoms-wish-hu...
He didn't have this crazy
He didn't have this crazy schedule before we got married. He got this new job right before we got married. He says its my job to be the mom since her mom won't step up. I told him i want to be a support- a stepmom. I'm not the girls mom. I'm her stepmom. Of course a fight ensued.
Your job to be the mom
Your job to be the mom since her real mom won't? WT actual F??? "Gee, I knocked up one woman but she won't take care of the kid. I'll marry this woman and she can do it. Women are interchangeable, ya' know!" I don't know how you managed to control yourself after hearing that. I would be getting a job and letting him either find day care or handing her to the woman he chose to inseminate.
Hi, I'm am kind of similar
Hi,
I'm am kind of similar myself. Living with but not married, with his daughter living with us (mum not about). I work part-time at home and so ensure she gets up for school and do evening meals - bedtime most nights.
How do you feel? I must admit I feel unrecognised at times, and I have a fair bit of grief to deal with from her. How old is your SD? I would say, in hindsight, try your best to have a conversation about your feelings if possible. Xx
I feel taken advantage of. Sd
I feel taken advantage of. Sd is 10. She's good mostly but needs help w school and it's just me there most times. Also she's very immature s d wants lots of attention. It's hard. I feel very resentful sometimes.